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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why people blame their dc for lack of sex

150 replies

BabysPointlessPocket · 08/01/2013 17:58

Seriously, I can't!
Is it just an easy excuse for women to use when they can't be bothered?
I have young dc, one also that I bf'd. It never affected my sex drive.
Maybe its just me and I shouldn't speak for others.

OP posts:
ledkr · 09/01/2013 12:11

Maybe for some people their relationship is about more than sex so a drought is a mere hiccup in the grand scheme of things.
We do it less since dd2 who thinks sleep is for wimps but its mutual tiredness for us.

dontaskforthe99 · 09/01/2013 12:39

Bit of an astonishing attack on the OP here. She does sound a bit smug in her posting but there are a few important thoughts it brings to mind.

How much energy do you actually need to have a shag ffs? How thin do you need to feel? How attractive? Have you seen Jeremy Kyle's guests? You aren't being asked to take part in a marathon. Re: teenagers and thin walls. Move the bed away from the wall, keep the gasps, grunts and moans to a minimum. Shades of grey....try a ball gag! Put a lock on the door.

If you're in bed anyway why not cuddle up with your partner for 20 minutes? Sex doesn't have to be a big set piece scenario. It relieves stress. Your sex life is about the only thing the government isn't taxing you for!

When you got together with a partner you probably had a mutual sexual attraction and habits. Writing your sex life off or putting it on the back burner isn't good for a relationship. PND is a different situation but the OP wasn't talking about that. The less you do it the less you want to do it. I bet if a few of you took the time, gave a bit of attention to it and had 3 x 20 minute shags over the next 2 weeks you might cheer the fuck up.

No stealth boasting here. Had regular sex through pregnancy, resumed after about six weeks despite hideous stitches. Breastfed 3 kids, didn't sleep through once in 7 years and now have teenagers. Yes your sex life ebbs and flows but there is always time for a quickie.

PenelopeChipShop · 09/01/2013 12:47

I can't believe how many times I see a post saying in effect 'well if I can manage it why can't everyone else'. How ignorant can you be! We're all different that's why! Fwiw I didn't expect any particular problems with sex after birth as I had an elcs but it was incredibly painful, I haven't really figured out why. Possibly dry due to bf-ing. But despite wanting to, on the rare occasions we both had the energy it was agony! Someone is bound to come along now and say that's rubbish because they had 20 stitches and still had sex at 6 weeks but what can I say. That was only one of a thousand things that weren't what I expected before having ds! Didn't expect to want to sleep with him in my arms for six months either, both these things affected out sex life. But hopefully over the course of our marriage it will only be a blip.

dreamingbohemian · 09/01/2013 12:57

OP, genuine question: do you often struggle to understand why other people do things differently than you?

I say this as someone who, like you, does not have any real problems in this regard, but also has no real problems understanding why other people might. I mean, it's just obvious, and I genuinely wonder why it's so hard for you to understand.

nickelbabe · 09/01/2013 12:59

bucket fanjo, no feeling in certain places down there, worry that it might feel a bit "weird" after having a baby dragged out of it, worries over the scar, worries that i won't feel sexy. etc etc.

nothing to do with lack of sex drive in my example.

WhitegoldWielder · 09/01/2013 13:02

Op - do you require local anaesthetic for stitches, minor procedures or dental work? I don't on account of my pain threshold so presumably according to your post I can be superior and smug to others that do require it?
And there's me thinking it's all down to individuality. Sniff.

Flobbadobs · 09/01/2013 13:14

I am outraged that the qustion even needs to be asked!
Scone rhymes with gone.
Obviously.

nickelbabe · 09/01/2013 13:20

ooh, but yes, I do get the "touched out" example!
being constantly in demand, being touched and grabbed and boobs being taken control of, etc etc all day makes it very hard to feel sexy in the evening.

scone rhymes with phone.

feelokaboutit · 09/01/2013 13:35

Is it just an easy excuse for women to use when they can't be bothered? Is this the stone age?????

MurderOfGoths · 09/01/2013 13:38

"I bet if a few of you took the time, gave a bit of attention to it and had 3 x 20 minute shags over the next 2 weeks you might cheer the fuck up."

Hmm Wow, just wow.

Thumbwitch · 09/01/2013 13:39

"dreamingbohemian Wed 09-Jan-13 12:57:35
OP, genuine question: do you often struggle to understand why other people do things differently than you?"

This.

YABU. You are not the same as everyone else, and it shouldn't take much understanding to be able to work that out. Hurrah for you that you never suffered loss of libido! What a shame that other people are different, hey.

Thumbwitch · 09/01/2013 13:40

*don'taskforthe99" - Ugh. Just ugh.

Witchofthenorth · 09/01/2013 13:50

OP I would very much appreciate if you could, possibly, bugger off into your fabulous, oh so smug, look at me I can still shag why cant you lot world!

Everyone is different, but hold on....after cleaning, shopping, rubbish tip runs, school runs, velcro baby, needy toddler, homework with the older ones, tea time, ironing school clothes, dishes, bedtime routines, fitting in mumsnet time I shall release my inner vixen and drape myself seductively across my sofa (co-sleeping) and fit in a quick shag Smile

as a disclaimer, seductively draping myself across my sofa for a quick shag roughly translates to falling into bed shattered whilst quite possibly drooling into my pillow.

Stop being so judgemental...sometime life gets in the way, people being holier than thou does not help.

Dahlen · 09/01/2013 13:51

OP - how much sleep were you getting on average while your DC were small?

How long did it take you physically to recover from each birth?

Did you have any long-term complications as a result of pregnancy/labour?

Did you have PND?

How did you feed your DC and how often were they being fed until fully weaned and on three meals a day?

How much help and support did you have from your partner/parents/relatives/friends/childcare professionals?

How much of a social life did you have when your children were small?

Did you have any other caring demands on your time, such as an ill elderly parent?

Did you work out of the home?

Is your partner a man who sees parenting and domestic chores as something that is equally his responsibility and did he live up to that?

PrettyHairClips · 09/01/2013 13:51

Is OP breastfeeding?

PrettyHairClips · 09/01/2013 13:53

Here's another slant:

Going from 'mummy' mode to 'slut' mode is difficult for a lot of women. Myself included. When I've finally put the kids to bed, I can't just switch to being a nympho.

MurderOfGoths · 09/01/2013 13:55

Another thing that I don't think anyone has mentioned, those with PND will likely have been put on anti-depressants. Anti-depressants tend to squash/eradicate your libido.

Even without PND a huge amount of people (women in particular) are on anti-d's.

Even without kids anti-d's would harm libido, but with kids you've got the addition of all the things mentioned in the thread so far.

There are so many reasons.

Dahlen · 09/01/2013 13:55

It is commonplace for new mothers to go several months without sex after giving birth. It is not unusual. Anyone who can't hazard a guess as to why that is probably possesses a penis or a complete lack of understanding that for most women it's not a case of dropping a child and tings returning to normal in the same way that a bruise heals in a few days. The 6 week limit is usually the bare minimum guideline, not a recommendation.

Did you know there is a direct link between how much sex couples have and how fair the division of labour is concerning housework?

MurderOfGoths · 09/01/2013 13:56

"Going from 'mummy' mode to 'slut' mode is difficult for a lot of women. Myself included. When I've finally put the kids to bed, I can't just switch to being a nympho."

Oh god yes.

Also, when I get a moment to myself, there's always about a million other things I want to do. Sex just isn't the priority.

AmberSocks · 09/01/2013 13:56

yabu

we have 4 aged 4 and under and we manage it 2 or 3 times a week,however,people,jobs,children and circumstances are all different,i can totally see why some arent interested.

AmberSocks · 09/01/2013 13:58

dahlen thats really interesting,and true in our case,dh does his fair share which is whyi am not too knackered for lurrrve.

Witchofthenorth · 09/01/2013 14:00

thumbwitch Im with you on dontaskforthe99 comment. Quite disgusting...

AmberSocks · 09/01/2013 14:03

I wonder how 50 or 60 years ago when lots of women had loads of kids plus full responsibility of housework and parenting minus the mod cons we have today managed to have the energy for sex?

Dahlen · 09/01/2013 14:04

Amber, I think it's as much about respect as it is time and that's probably why you're not too knackered as well.

Feeling loved and respected is quite conducive to desire.

But nothing kills desire like picking up your H's dirty socks, cleaning his shit off the toilet, or carrying his plates out to the kitchen because he can't be arsed to do it for himself. What does that say about how a man views women.

Dahlen · 09/01/2013 14:05

Rape within marriage was commonplace.

Women didn't realise they could say no.

And there was no TV and internet... Wink

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