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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to return this letter to sender unread?

300 replies

cheddarcheeselover · 08/01/2013 12:16

My mother rang yesterday to say she'd sent me a letter, I wouldn't like what was in it, but she didn't want to have an argument and she didn't want to discuss it.
the letter just arrived.
aibu to send it straight back, and when she rings to tell me I'm being childish to tell her she's welcome to talk to me about any problems but I won't be reading her letters?
I predict it's either a criticism of my parenting, weight or housekeeping.
I love my children and treat them very well (too well in her eyes), our house is messy but clean (her's is totally spotless and always has been - we were ignored in order that the house was immaculate) and I am overweight, always have been, but am trying to change that.

OP posts:

orangepudding · 09/01/2013 09:50

I would bin it, she rang to tell you it was coming as she wants a reaction. Bin it without reading out so she doesn't get one.

Homebird8 · 09/01/2013 09:50

After all, who wouldn't want to feel that at a funeral the real person was being remembered?

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 09/01/2013 10:03

I like the idea of saving it for the funeral, maybe even having the best line engraved on the tombstone.

Original poster

cheddarcheeselover · 09/01/2013 10:30

Morning!
I'm feeling so much 'lighter' today. The realisation that I don't have to read it is amazing, and even better that I don't have to react in any way.
She will ring at some point, the point of her telling me I'm not allowed to react is so when I read it and get riled up and phone her she can make out I'm being silly, because she told me not to get upset... I'm sure she is fully expecting me to phone, and when I don't she'll stew until she can't bear it anymore.
Then she'll ring and ask and I'll breezily say I haven't read it.
I'm pretty certain she is jealous of my life, she trained as a teacher, then gave everything up when she married and had us, she's very creative but never used her talents, but ensured that we children always knew that any talents we had were not as good as hers. I have gone on to be a professional artist/designer. I have worked throughout my children's babyhoods (flexibly from home) and DH takes on 50% of the childcare. I'm reaching a point where I am getting quite successful, and my mother HATES it. I did an arts degree, then travelled while working, and self funded (through getting a scholarship) an MA, my mum thought I'd end up just like her. I got pg quite young, but just kept working. My mum would be much happier if I'd moved back home and got a job in a shop, but that wasn't for me, and she loathes the fact that I have talent equal to hers and that I'm doing something with it.
gosh it felt good to type that out!!
I don't think I can cut her out, because I don't know how I'd do that whilst keeping in touch with my dad. He was very distant through our childhoods, but seems to have realised that things weren't right and now is wonderful with my girls, I couldn't bear to stand in the way of that because of mum.

OP posts:

nickelbabe · 09/01/2013 10:36

she could have becoem depressed herself then, after she gave up everything for her family.

of course, she didn't have to, but she might have felt forced to by your father, or even by her own family.

you're definitely right to ignore it - it's not fair that she should take out her own problems on her children.

diddl · 09/01/2013 10:37

And when she asks why you didn´t read it-you can tell her because you weren´t interested in it.

Original poster

cheddarcheeselover · 09/01/2013 10:39

I know, I feel very sorry for her when she was a young mother, but alot of it was her choice, when she did eventually start work again she had the support of my dad and my grandmother.
I just wish she were more self aware.

OP posts:

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 09/01/2013 10:42

Cheese in that update lies the answer, Its pure jealousy that something she made had outdone her in life, and she hates that fact, as Diddl says, when she breaks and rings, say, I just havent got the time in a breezy manner, and drop it right there.

SpicyPear · 09/01/2013 10:43

That's really great news Cheddar. So glad you are feeling better. I really hope that you can carry on with that lighter feeling now you have your strategy in place for when she calls.

I'm not usually one for being weird and gushy to strangers on t'interweb, but you sound amazing! It is very sad when family members resent your success and I think this happens at a various levels in a lot of families, much more than we would like to admit.

diddl · 09/01/2013 10:46

Oh that does sound like jealousy & resentment.

Still doesn´t excuse it though imo.

HighJinx · 09/01/2013 10:51

De-lurking to add my thoughts.

My family has form for sending toxic letters.

Many years ago my sister send me the most hideous letter and against my instincts I read it. I sobbed for hours after that and I could sob again now if I thought about it.

Very soon after I had read it DH burnt it (with my blessing) and I can't really remember that much about what she actually said in it. I can recall the odd line and the gist of it. What sticks with me is that my sister took the time to sit down and write a long letter and then walked to the post box to send it never once reconsidering and softening her words. It feels like she went to a great deal of trouble to really hurt me. Maybe some of it was justified but any genuine attempt at being constructive was lost in the harshness of the letter. The very fact that it was a letter and not a conversation made it seem more brutal too, as if designed to deny me any right of reply. (I know I could have written back but it is not the same) FWIW I have never spoken to her or had any further contact with her since that day.

Years later my father sent me a letter and I knew it would be similarly toxic so I didn't open it. It sat hidden in the bookcase for months until one day I found it and threw it away. I have never wondered what it said. It doesn't matter. It wasn't going to say anything that would help me or my relationship with him. It was going to be about him and what he thought about me. If I think about that letter now I feel very detached from it. Certainly it has never caused me the distress that the one I read did.

I don't know if any of that helps or not, I just wanted you to know my experiences of having received these letters and treated them differently.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 09/01/2013 10:54

High Letters and emails are a favourite tool for toxic people, because as you said, it takes the reply factor out, and denying someone there response is a control tactic, you learned from the first letter and it helped you shield yourself from the second.

But a persons determination to really hurt someone, makes me wonder if they arent mentally ill.

SarahStratton · 09/01/2013 10:55

What I would do is this: Put the letter away. be honest with her about the reason. tell her you're not in a good place right now and you're not going to read it yet, but one day you will. Mention it in passing every now and then. How soon, you're going to climb into the loft and get it back. So that you can read it when you're feeling stronger. Now, if she has any conscience at all, it will eat away at her. Knowing that it's there, and that you're going to get to read it.

This will not work, you will be playing right into her hands, and . admitting you are weak. NEVER let them see you're weaknesses, they'll remember them, and use them.

HighJinx · 09/01/2013 10:58

NEVER let them see you're weaknesses, they'll remember them, and use them.

This makes me shudder. So utterly and horribly true.

nickelbabe · 09/01/2013 10:59

and your mum is bitter and angry at herself because she didn't make the choices you did.
It doesn't excuse her taking it out on you - that's her decision, not yours. you have done everything in your power to make your own life one that you love.
she could have done the same, but chose not to. none of that should be put at your door "no one has the power to make you happy except you "

CuriousMama · 09/01/2013 11:02

Glad you feel lighter today.

I'll be your mum Cheddar I'm so very proud of you for turning out to be a great mum and for the success you've achieved. {{{hugs}}}

I may actually even be old enough to be your mum, I'm 44?

Enjoy the rest of your day and try to distract yourself with mn work or whatever.

Original poster

cheddarcheeselover · 09/01/2013 11:10

NEVER let them see you're weaknesses, they'll remember them, and use them.
This is true sadly.
I had a patch of pnd/anxiety after I had DD1, and I told mum, it took alto of courage to do so, but I thought she might be kinder to me if I did. She just took to asking at the beginning of each phone call "are you better yet?" in an accusatory way, until I just said yes one day. She's since waxed on at family gatherings about how people who are depressed just need to pull themselves together.
I started going to church when DD1 was about a year old, because we have no roots where we live and I was often alone on the weekends, so it was somewhere friendly to go, I ended up doing a sort of alpha course and getting confirmed, which my mum thinks is ridiculous and pokes fun at. We got the girls christened and my mum and sister did turn up, but spent the services whispering and sniggering. They know I'm self conscious about church, so they pick at it.

OP posts:

Original poster

cheddarcheeselover · 09/01/2013 11:13

I may actually even be old enough to be your mum, I'm 44?
maybe just, if you were a gymslip mother!
you've made me cry (in a nice way)
I must go, I have to go to work!

OP posts:

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 09/01/2013 11:16

Cheese take pride and be smug about the life you made, sister and mother are just horrendously jealous, if she tries to pick or criticize, loudly and abruptly change the subject.

unobtanium · 09/01/2013 11:21

Hi CCL, you can be proud of the way you've turned out considering the terrible start in life you have had.

My advice would be burn the letter in a little ceremony, and dance on the ashes

And laugh and laugh like a loony

Hugs

JustFabulous · 09/01/2013 11:21

No no no no no.

Even if she was forced to lead the life she did that DOES NOT make it okay for her to be a bitch to you.

nickelbabe · 09/01/2013 11:26

oh cheese, please don't think like that - it's not wrong to show "weakness" - it's not weakness - it's humanity. it's what brings us closer to other humans, it's what makes us communities.
Just because your mum and sister don't understand you and the way you tick, doesn't mean it's wrong. it just means it's not the way they are.
they're wrong to be like that towards you - fine, have their own thoughts and feelings, but don't take it out on other people.
you have done nothing wrong

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/01/2013 11:28

"She's since waxed on at family gatherings about how people who are depressed just need to pull themselves together."
The evil part of me wonders how she would react if you 'innocently' asked her either 'is that what you did?' or 'I'm not so sure, you never seem to have got out of that pit?'. Not that I'd recommend actually doing it, but it might amuse you to think it, and that might allow you a bit of detachment from her having a dig.

So glad to hear your feeling better today cheddar - a trouble shared is a trouble halved as it were. Sometimes our problems can make us climb into ourselves and that's not good. Coming on here to vent, or to get opinions from people unaffected by the situation, or to just check that you haven't actually fallen into The Twilight Zone, can make an enormous difference .

PessaryPam · 09/01/2013 11:35

This thread reminds me of my GM, she was absolutely horrible to my DM, her daughter. Luckily my DM was nothing like that with my sister and me. I still hate my GM although she is long dead for what she made my Mum suffer.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/01/2013 12:07

See, most of us would be totally chuffed if our children went on to make better lives for themselves. If we made bad choices, we gave them better advice so that they wouldn't repeat the mistakes. If they have talent, that's our talent too. We did the first crucial part in making these real human beings, who have gone on to learn and do more than we did (see ). That's such a privilege! Not something to fear and destroy.

Pity the broken creatures for the joy they will never feel in you, your achievements, your very existence. But don't trust the buggers as far as you can throw them.

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