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AIBU?

to return this letter to sender unread?

300 replies

cheddarcheeselover · 08/01/2013 12:16

My mother rang yesterday to say she'd sent me a letter, I wouldn't like what was in it, but she didn't want to have an argument and she didn't want to discuss it.
the letter just arrived.
aibu to send it straight back, and when she rings to tell me I'm being childish to tell her she's welcome to talk to me about any problems but I won't be reading her letters?
I predict it's either a criticism of my parenting, weight or housekeeping.
I love my children and treat them very well (too well in her eyes), our house is messy but clean (her's is totally spotless and always has been - we were ignored in order that the house was immaculate) and I am overweight, always have been, but am trying to change that.

OP posts:

Report

Imaginethat · 09/01/2013 23:07

Thanks linerunner

LineRunner · 09/01/2013 23:20

Imagine it's a whole separate thread...

Hattifattner · 09/01/2013 23:25

cheddar, I think you are right about WW2 - my mum was born towards the end of the war, and she was a ray of sunshine to the entire family - when you've been surrounded by death, what could be more uplifting than a new life. As a result she was spoiled rotten by my GP, and my great aunties (granny was one of 5 girls) and her every whim indulged because they were celebrating life and the return of some normality. By the time she was a teenager, it was the start of the sixties and she was allowed a lot more freedom than her older sister ever had been - she maintains that my mum should never have been allowed to marry so young (just turned 18).

Homebird8 · 10/01/2013 04:55

Heavens, that rings some bells here too. GM was always known as Peace Baby because she was born around the WWI Armistice. DM was born during WWII when her DF was away at war. DAunt was born on his return.

If GM was as messed up as I think (poss in part by being that ray of sunshine you mentioned Hatti ) and struggled alone with baby DM who had little relationship with her unknown DF (because he was away) and then had an easier time with DAunt, doesn't that set them up to be scapegoat and golden child? I have plenty of evidence to support that as a scenario.

Then in turn DM was screwed up herself and now, after her death, DSis and I are travelling our damaged journeys and trying not to let history repeat itself with our own DCs.

Yikes

CuriousMama · 10/01/2013 09:26

Aww sorry to hear that Homebird8. It's good you have Dsis to help you on your journey though.

CuriousMama · 10/01/2013 09:27

How are you today Cheddar?

cheddarcheeselover · 10/01/2013 10:38

I'm good, still no phonecall from mum, and he letter is out of the house.
My mum wasn't born till a long time after WW2 but her mother lived through the blitz and her dad fought in it, and there's no way that can't have affected them.
It's my youngest's birthday soon so I'm guessing she'll ring before then. It makes me very sad to think that she might not.
Off to work now.

OP posts:

NoGinorWine4Mu1berry · 10/01/2013 12:20

@cheerfulyank, i remember when i was pg and didn't want to know the sex, but my x knew, my xmil tried to get my x to tell her. LUCKILY he didn't but she couldnt see what was wrong about her knowing but me not knowing! i wanted to keep it secret and it was my secret! and in fact, only for technology are you even put in the position of it being a 'secret'. It's ridiculous that we now have to feel pressured by technology into revealing information that is not really known yet (in the traditional nature sense). iykwim!

CuriousMama · 10/01/2013 13:43

Let her stew cheddar she'll ring eventually.

Can I ask something? If she wasn't your mum would you want to be involved with her as a friend? It's just sometimes we can be so wrapped up in the family thoughts we forget that they're people first, family second. Like we don't have a choice because of blood ties.

Anniegetyourgun · 10/01/2013 14:03

OK, kind of a day late on this comment, but Fortnum and fucking Mason sell chutney. You can't get posher than that. Sometimes when people are scrabbling around for something negative to say, they end up saying something really silly.

CuriousMama · 10/01/2013 14:12

I can't find the chutney comment? Is it OP's?

Homebird8 · 11/01/2013 00:14

cheddarcheeselover Wed 09-Jan-13 12:30:14 CuriousMama and thanks for your kindness. A DSis in these circumstances is a blessing even if she's 12,000 miles away.

I second the 'letting her stew' Cheddar. Hope you had a good day at work.

CuriousMama · 11/01/2013 01:02

Thanks Homebird8 Will you get to see your dsis anytime soon?

ComposHat · 11/01/2013 02:47

Wasn't sure what you decided to do but good luck and I am glad you can see your mother's motives for what they are.

I would be tempted to write 'return to sender: no one who gives a flying fuck at this address.'

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 11/01/2013 04:38

There's no way I wouldn't have been able to resist opening it. I can't stand 'not knowing' something, Drives.Me.Nuts. I was even a bit when you said your letter was out of the house However, I am proud of you for doing that and for not letting her have any power over you - try to stay strong when she does ring.

I am always very impressed when people who have had such terrible childhoods as yours (and yours was terrible - you don't measure how great you childhood was by material things and the show she put on in front of others :( ) and don't follow the same pattern themselves.

Be happy - you deserve it :)

Homebird8 · 11/01/2013 05:58

Maybe CuriousMama. DF is planning a wedding (not set a date yet) so hope that we will all be together for that. Maybe this year, maybe next.

Cheddar, great to get that item out of the house. Not relevant to your life any longer even if it is still on your M's mind.

CuriousMama · 11/01/2013 08:21

Hope you get to see her soon Homebird8? I don't see my dsis much she only lives 25 mile away but we do keep in touch. My other one died she'd have been here all the time she loved a run out i moved away 2 years ago and dsis lives 8 miles from my home town and is busy with her mil and dgcs. My brother rings now and again but we see each other rarely keep threatening to meet up but hasn't transpired for ages.

How are you today cheddardd

cheddarcheeselover · 12/01/2013 18:09

Well, still not had a phone call.
Both dd's have asked to phone grandma and grandad today, I've put them off for now. How do you deal with children who want to talk to grandparents you're not talking to?!

OP posts:

CuriousMama · 12/01/2013 20:01

How old are your dds? They may not ask so much once back at school? Just say they're busy?
How are you feeling?

cheddarcheeselover · 12/01/2013 21:32

They're 5 and 2.
I'm feeling a bit lost tbh. This has made me realise just how miserable I was growing up, I've always joined in the story that I had a great childhood. Now I don't know what to do, I so want to keep up the pretence that I have a lovely mum, because I almost convince myself when I do.
I keep thinking about dd2's birthday in a couple of weeks, what if she just doesn't phone? What if she just sends a card and puts an even worse letter in the envelope?

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/01/2013 21:50

" I so want to keep up the pretence that I have a lovely mum, because I almost convince myself when I do."
Almost convince. Almost. So not really, when you think about it. Oh cheddar, be kind to yourself and stick to the truth. She's crap. Maybe soften it for the DC - 'granny is in a bad mood just now, let's wait until it's over' (and it never will be). And get your OH to open whatever she sends DD2 so that neither you nor DD2 have any nasty surprises.

CuriousMama · 12/01/2013 22:03

cheddar that's up to her really isn't it? She's in charge of her own destiny, she had a chance to be a good mother, she shouldn't be trying to make you feel bad, quite the opposite.
Your family is you dh and dds and you need to make a stand. Or you should but whether you do it up to you.
Your 2 year old won't notice and the 5 year old can soon be distracted.
Have you thought of asking at age concern if there are any lonely old people nearby who may like a visit from your and dds? I know you work but sometimes even once a month helps? Your mother probably isn't old.
What's your mil like? Do they have a nice gran?

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TreadOnTheCracks · 12/01/2013 22:07

Feel the card before you open it and if it seems like there a letter in it get D to open it.

Surely she wouldn't stop that low?

What you do with the children's questions I don't know. Could your DH supervise a phone call while you are out?

cheddarcheeselover · 12/01/2013 23:02

MIL is lovely but dotty. she's 10 years older than my mum.
The girls don't really talk much to mum on the phone, but they do talk to my dad a lot. DD2 picks up the phone and brings it to me and says "granma grandad?" mumis always there though, there's no way to just ring my dad.

OP posts:

CuriousMama · 12/01/2013 23:04

That's a shame about your dad. Let's hope he makes a stand for his gdds?

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