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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to return this letter to sender unread?

300 replies

cheddarcheeselover · 08/01/2013 12:16

My mother rang yesterday to say she'd sent me a letter, I wouldn't like what was in it, but she didn't want to have an argument and she didn't want to discuss it.
the letter just arrived.
aibu to send it straight back, and when she rings to tell me I'm being childish to tell her she's welcome to talk to me about any problems but I won't be reading her letters?
I predict it's either a criticism of my parenting, weight or housekeeping.
I love my children and treat them very well (too well in her eyes), our house is messy but clean (her's is totally spotless and always has been - we were ignored in order that the house was immaculate) and I am overweight, always have been, but am trying to change that.

OP posts:
LadyHarrietdeSpook · 09/01/2013 14:11

OP I also think reading your comments today your mum may well be depressed and grieving for a career/life/whatever that didn't work out the way she wanted. It doesn't excuse her behaviour and isn't your responsibility. It's just that I bet she has nowhere to go with her feelings apart from being nasty (like sniggering at you in church with your sister as well.)

Original poster
cheddarcheeselover · 09/01/2013 16:06

Ladyharriet I do worry a lot about unconsciously repeating what my mum did to me. When things are stressful and the kids are being less than perfectly behaved I have found phrases coming into my head that are straight from my mother. I also cannot help but be hyper aware of the DDs weight and have checked where they are on BMI scales, but I do everything I can to ensure they are not aware of my weight/eating problems. I try to be self aware and aware that everything I do has an impact on my children, I think a lot of the things my mum did were just a result of her reacting to situations without thinking, so I was overweight and she took that personally so thought bribing me with money would solve the problem. She didn't take the time to think that I was 9 and lived on the country, had nothing to spend money on, and everything I ate came from her.
She has an undiagnosed eating disorder, was a plump child who lost weight on some hideous diet and has been painfully thin her entire adult life. Watching her eat is painful, it's like watching some being forced to eat sick or something.
She started a year or so ago to make comments about DD1 being chubby, I cut the off and was as harsh as I've ever been to her about that, I won't have her poisoning my beautiful little girls mind. (DDis no where near overweight because I encourage her to snack on carrots and nuts and oatcakes instead of cake and bread and butter)
Thank you all so much, you have really really helped me.

OP posts:
soulresolution · 09/01/2013 16:41

Just checking back to this thread - thrilled to read your upbeat posts OP! Ironically it looks like that poison letter might be the catalyst for finally freeing you of her overbearing influence. It's clear she is a very sad messed-up person and also clear that you are a happy fulfilled one.

Agree about not repeating the same mistakes with our children and also think we have to be careful not to allow that to skew our parenting and end up making some other mistake by deliberately doing the opposite iyswim.

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 09/01/2013 16:42

I know it's tempting to snigger at the 'inner child' theories/comments but really you have to remember with parents like this, this is what is generally happening. Their needs aren't being met/weren't met and inside they are still children too in a way and this is how they approach the world. Self-centreed, immature/juvenile, erratic and unmoderated emotions, even full on 'temper tantrums' etc towards you.

Good on you though OP for taking her on with the weight comments re your DD - you are strong and you can manage this letter episode too.

CuriousMama · 09/01/2013 16:47

Cheddar then yes I am your gymslip mum.

I had you after a brief affair with a the son of an artist from France. I was holidaying in a gite with my family I wish and he lived in the village. I looked older so told him I was. We'd talk and talk for hours his English was excellent. He introduced me to fine wine instead of my usual Woodpecker cider. We went for long walks in the countryside and found ourselves at a farm one day, went into the hay loft and made sweet love TMI He was so very handsome and also very artistic. As am I. So it flows through your genes. He was such a sensitive soul and it broke his heart when I told him we shouldn't keep in touch. Your grandfather would've killed him! I was so very sad too. I'm glad I met him as I got you my only dd and I adored you from the minute I saw you. It's been so hard not telling you who he is but now you know. Jacques Leger (accent missing from e on Leger)

Smile

I am artistic btw. Never was as a child but I started painting for pleasure (classes) as an adult and have a gift for it. I'm amateur but people like my art.

Oh we all worry about being like our parents. I worry I'm like my dad at times. But I'm aware of it so stop myself being like that.

JustFabulous · 09/01/2013 17:07
CuriousMama · 09/01/2013 17:08

JustFabulous it's been hard but I have my memories, and the cats bring me comfort.

ResolutelyCheeky · 09/01/2013 17:19

Cheddar you should nc to 'cheddarandchutney' Grin

Original poster
cheddarcheeselover · 09/01/2013 17:23
Grin
OP posts:
JustFabulous · 09/01/2013 18:10

I am very pleased to hear that CuriousMama Smile.

Imaginethat · 09/01/2013 21:28

Me too cheddar with the weight comments. She started on my daughter when she met her at 2 weeks saying she was funny looking and "those cheeks!"
I was so worried/crazy I cut feeds down until nurse pointed out some weeks later baby was v little. Looking back I can't believe I did this to my beautiful daughter.

Dd now 10 - recently I let her go with my mother to choose a new top. Mother returned triumphant saying she needed a size 12 ie she is big for her age. I was so angry. My dd is 10, if anything she is petite and there is my mother spitefully working to undo her wonderful self esteem.

I worry too about being like my mother and tbh I must be in some ways but surely the fact we have insight and ensure our children know how cherished they are must make us different?

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 09/01/2013 21:45

OOooooo Mama what a lovely romantic story and cheddar is a love child now :D
I was singing "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves" but yours is much better Mama!

CuriousMama · 09/01/2013 21:48

Yes think I should change my name to cheddarsmama Wink

Don't worry cheddar just joking Grin

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 09/01/2013 21:50

Oops, got carried away with the romance and forgot my point Blush
Cheddar if ever you really want to give the owld cow your mother something to think about, I will come and visit her with you, and we can hold hands and snog and tell her we are getting married in Holland, in an opium den, with an honour guard of drag queens, and honeymooning in Bognor Regis, and will be adopting 27 orphans, each one from a different nation of the world to go with our own beloved spawn, of which we want 11 (for a footy team) and brandish a turkey baster.
I shall cut my hair off short like a skinhead almost but spiky on top and dye it green and blue, and wear a pair of dungarees like Dexy in the Come on Eileen video, and expose all 20 plus stone of my pasty white flesh and every single one of my correctly spelled and perfectly grammatical tattoos. At intervals I shall scratch my crotch and burp and fart and say "listen to this too good to miss" and leer at her.
Grin

greencolorpack · 09/01/2013 21:53

I had this and I read it and it destroyed my mental health and self esteem for a good year or two afterwards, and our relationship still hasn't recovered.

So burn the letter or send it back, but don't read.

LineRunner · 09/01/2013 21:56

Imagine that's crap. Glad you saw through it. Good on you.

Original poster
cheddarcheeselover · 09/01/2013 21:56

Can we go on holiday all together to the gite and find my long lost dad living a humble but honest life, painting beautiful pictures that all feature a beautiful young girl who broke his heart decades ago?

OP posts:
Original poster
cheddarcheeselover · 09/01/2013 21:57

Oh my PomBear, now that would be fun!

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 09/01/2013 22:07

I'd get to wear a hat Grin Can you make it Amsterdam for the wedding as lots to see there, love Van Gogh museum. Ooo I'm starting to be a rather controlling mother now aren't I? Wink
Of course we'll need to fit in the French trip first to find Jacques. He may own the vineyard by now?

cessie322 · 09/01/2013 22:11

Cheddarcheeselover, you've described my mother to a tee, it's uncanny!

I've had plenty of poisonous letters in my time, I read one and was totally devastated. Since then I've got DH to hide them. I didn't throw them out as she denied sending back a Christmas present of pyjamas one year that she'd slashed with a scissors. I threw them out so had no proof, she'd also scrawled a vicious message on the gift box.

You are right not to read it.

Original poster
cheddarcheeselover · 09/01/2013 22:16

oooh yes, he could supply the wine for our reception Grin

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 09/01/2013 22:18

He could and will, I can be very persuasive you know Wink

Original poster
cheddarcheeselover · 09/01/2013 22:18

it's quite shocking how many of these mothers there are out there cessie. Is it a generational thing? people brought up by parents who were messed up by WW2 have turned into rubbish parents themselves?

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 09/01/2013 22:42

Lovely Jacques. :)

Ugh, toxic family members. My mother has her moments, but it's my brother who takes the prize. His latest trick is trying to bully me into telling everyone what the sex of my baby (due in May) is. DH and I know but have decided to keep it to ourselves. My brother hates secrets and surprises and has been messaging me about it constantly..."is this some 'thing' people are doing now"..."it's just weird, I don't get it"....and on and on and on.

It's not a HUGE deal as such, but he constantly criticizes and belittles my choices, as well as exaggerates and flat out lies about aspects of my life to make his seem normal.

I've learned to just say "because 'this is the way I want it' is a valid enough reason" and then ignore, ignore, ignore. There's nothing that makes an attention seeker more angry! :)

mum382013 · 09/01/2013 22:56

i vote for a third party to open it and let it go viral via email to everyone