to return this letter to sender unread?

[cheddarcheeselover]

My mother rang yesterday to say she'd sent me a letter, I wouldn't like what was in it, but she didn't want to have an argument and she didn't want to discuss it.
the letter just arrived.
aibu to send it straight back, and when she rings to tell me I'm being childish to tell her she's welcome to talk to me about any problems but I won't be reading her letters?
I predict it's either a criticism of my parenting, weight or housekeeping.
I love my children and treat them very well (too well in her eyes), our house is messy but clean (her's is totally spotless and always has been - we were ignored in order that the house was immaculate) and I am overweight, always have been, but am trying to change that.

Self obsessed?

Yes, when she is in control then everything's ok. If we go to theirs then the idea that the DC might need feeding at a reasonable time and to go to bed before 11 causes arguments. We never ate before 9pm and never went to bed at a normal time. We were used to that, my girls aren't. Suggesting that they don't have to clean their plates is heresy.
When we're there everything has to be done her way, I'm not a mother, I'm another child to be ordered around.
The nice things she does are all about control. They came to us after Xmas and brought every item of food we would eat with them, along with crackers etc. we've just moved and I was quite looking forward to hosting people our way in our lovely new flat, and said to her that I'd like to do everything, but no. It's her way or the highway. Dh dared to bring out some chutney to have with cheese and it was sniffed at, as they consider chutney to be very uncouth.
Gosh, this letter has been a real catalyst for all this to come pouring out. It feels great to tell people who's response isn't well there are many worse off than you.

Cheddar Out pour love, any counsellor would say its better to be said even to strangers rather than let it fester, the more you say, then less the impact will be.

Chutney is uncouth?!

I have heard it all now. What a total doink! She knows nothing and you sound ever so lovely.

Oh God, the mother of course.

Chutney is not uncouth, being obsessed with what is U and non U is though.

Imogen, yes.
She would love nothing better than if me and DH split up/were out of work and had to move back 'home' she has actually spoken about what would happen. In the absence of drama she creates a bit in her head!
She also loves it when I have occasional disagreements with my mil.
Sadly for her our life is mostly boring and happy.

Cheddar Is there not an Am Dram society you could direct your mother too, help her with her love of drama.

my mil sounds like your mum. I' m sure she has NPD and loves a toxic letter. I used to get upset but now find it very amusing! We have been waiting for a letter so we could send it back unopened but sadly she hasn't' done one for ages. I think now she has accepted she has no control (my husband has cut her off) the letters have stopped. So glad you are nit giving her head space!

Yes Imogen, of course I agree, I have had opportunities in life that most of the world could only dream of. I am lucky, and I remember that every day, I have a wonderful husband, two amazing and healthy little girls and a warm and comfy home. I just wish my mother would recognise that she's pretty lucky too.

Cheddar She wont though, because you have something she didnt, until you have what she deems lower than her, only then will she be nice.

Ha ha at chutney being uncouth!

The only retort to that is 'Mother, if they sell it in Waitrose, it's not uncouth!'

Someone ought to mention to her that the Panto season is over.

Oh yes it IS!

She sounds horrible. Can you meet them in a neutral place (perhaps not a stately home!) in future to take the control totally out of her hands? That way your DCs can keep contact with your DF.
Although frankly she sounds like poison, and would probably taint any meet up. She seems emotionally immature -giggling at a christening and sniffing at chutney is all done to try and undermine you for being different to her. Well, you should be really proud you are not like her!

Cheddar if you want to really wind her up maybe you should say that you're too busy working to read the letter .

just a thought.

Lord, she sounds terrible. These types are predictably awful in their behaviour, though. Years of therapy has finally got me to a place where I can cope with my horribly toxic, manipulative, narcissistic mother. Mostly by disengaging. It's the only way with these types. Give them an inch and they are right in there, trying to wreak havoc and cause damage.

Mind you, I would be tempted to steam it open, read it, re seal it and send it back to the old witch. But that?s because I?ve got a bit of distance from her crazy and it might sting a bit but I?d mostly use it to reassure myself that I?m making the right decision in staying the hell away from her as much as possible.

If you?re not in that place ? and you really don't sound as though you are - then, yes, just bin it. Sending it back is kind of playing her game - it's not really the best way to handle it.

I would stop telling her when you have a disagreement with your MIL. Not fair on your MIL and not useful as your mother clearly doesn't want to help, just bitch.

OP i am so glad to hear that you are feeling better about things and that this thread has helped, just wanted to wish you well for the future too.

I have also (many years ago) received letters from my mum eg. unhelpfully telling me that I am my own worst enemy, blah blah and that she has always been there for me (she thinks she has but in reality she's the last person I'd go to for support/sympathy). I agree with the posters who have said not to read the letter as you will only have her voice ringing in your head.

Personally I think that what abbierhodes said is amazing, it gives you back all the power and will leave your mother wondering why you didn't react as she expected. I wish I could have been on mumsnet for that advice several years ago!

Even though you can tell her you will read it one day, there's no need to actually do that but she doesn't know that

Cheddar, can I just say you sound like such a lovely, inspiring person. What a great role model you are for your dd's.

Not much to add to the advice you've had already. Although I wanted to say well done for pursuing and not giving up on your art career. I'm a full time illustrator and was told by so many people when pregnant with my first dc that I would never manage to keep working. Not did I manage, I had another dc and my career has thrived over time.

Just wanted to let you know I admire you. I didn't have the crap from my mum that you have. Well done you!

Sorry that should be "not ONLY did I manage...."

I agree the comment about reading the letter out at the funeral is a VERY interesting move.

LineRunner

But your question: "Are there any mothers on MN who send their grown-up daughters critical letters, who can explain why, just why? and who can explain their supposed purpose?"

Reminded me of something that occurred to me yesterday. I have that book Toxic Parents. This summer when I was feeling particularly stressed it occurred to me: SHit, now I look at that and hope my kids are never reading it.

These threads are so important to remind ourselves to look at our own behaviour with our children and think WHAT NOT TO EVER F*** DO. To take an audit from time to time on how we behave...

I don't believe I'd ever send a letter like that. But:

I bet OP's mother does think in a weird way she is doing some useful parenting.