to return this letter to sender unread?

[cheddarcheeselover]

My mother rang yesterday to say she'd sent me a letter, I wouldn't like what was in it, but she didn't want to have an argument and she didn't want to discuss it.
the letter just arrived.
aibu to send it straight back, and when she rings to tell me I'm being childish to tell her she's welcome to talk to me about any problems but I won't be reading her letters?
I predict it's either a criticism of my parenting, weight or housekeeping.
I love my children and treat them very well (too well in her eyes), our house is messy but clean (her's is totally spotless and always has been - we were ignored in order that the house was immaculate) and I am overweight, always have been, but am trying to change that.

That letter can't be kept in the house! it's poison will bugger up all the positive energy you need in your home, it's presence will be a cancer on the home.

Shout at it, shout all the replies you want to tell her, scream at it, all the injustices you suffered at her hands.

Then Burn it and bin it.

at shouting at a letter like a total loon!

I know what you mean though, Hissy - good advice I reckon

at ladyindoors, I got a stealth attack in the form of a letter hidden inside a christmas card too. xfil. deluded ol tosser.

he he he

What a fabulous image I now have of people shouting at stationery!

Cheddar, I just wanted to say that you sound like a great person, and a lovely Mum and I agree with those who've said that your Mum is extemely jealous of that.

Please don't read the letter unless you think it does contain some important info such as 'I have a terminal illness'. Bin it, don't mention it and enjoy having the upperhand. I'm saddened but not surprised a Mother would treat her child in such a way.

A very unMN-y (((hug))) to you.

whether you chose to read the letter or not is a very personal decision and there is no rush. you have control here whether it feels like it or not at the moment. and you can take your time over it. and if she asks you can tell her you haven't decided whether to read or Chuck yet - that should let her know that you do have a choice and Don't have to jump when she says jump.

I opened mine and showed it around. cos it was written proof for the first time of stuff she had only said in private. the mask had slipped and I could prove her behaviour. I broke the silence and behind closed doors aspect.

however I had already broken contact and was confident enough that her claims were bollocks and I would have the support of those I showed it to. I didn't respond to the letter.

there is no right or wrong answer - only what you feel will be best for you.

I have a nice shredder that gets emptied onto my compost heap at regular intervals.

Sounds like a good place for communications from your Mother.

I couldn't resist reading it, but I agree you should not.

It should be burnt, shredded or put in a smelly wheelie bin out of temptation.

Writing nasty letters is bad enough, letting you stew over what might be in them is toxic.

You are a great mum and with every hug and every positive comment you give your DD you move her childhood away from yours.

Dear OP I have a slightly left field suggestion based on the way I dealt with a couple of toxic things a few years ago.

Get a really lovely, large card and another envelope big enough to put your mother's unopened letter inside. Seal her letter in the small envelope and write 'do not open' on it. Write yourself a lovely message on the card, address it to yourself and put it with the sealed envelope inside the big envelope and put a second class stamp on it. Post it when you get round to it.

I wrote myself a card once saying "Dear Isabeller, Whatever happens, I'm on your side, love Isabeller"

You are putting off any final decision, putting the toxic thing out of your house and taking care of yourself.

The second part of my suggestion is to tell us what you would like to have in your fairymumsnetter's letter of love to you, I'll start

"Dear Cheddarcheeselover,

You sound yummy, cheddar cheese is one of my favourite things ever. I bet your children love being in their warm caring home and I bet they love having friends to visit too and no one ever feels intimidated or uncomfortable when they are there.

..."

Speaking from experience I would burn it wether you read it or not or it is just a negative energy in your home.... & while you are at it get rid of anything else that is a toxic reminder....
It is very hard to do the best for yourself as these type of people are highly practised in making others feel guilty etc...they thrive as it were on the drama surrounding themselves.... They will NEVER be happy people whatever you do for them!
But - you are a lovely person and Mother and deserve the right for a peaceful life and to be surrounded by loving people who care about you! If this wasn't a family member would you let them treat you this way and keep them in your life?
Someone else mentioned forgiveness is not putting up with other people's shit that hurts you..... You can forgive for your own peace of mind... Forget and move on.... You can do it with no guilt...no need to have them in your life while they are doing nothing but bringing misery to the table...

You can't change people... But you can choose to remove yourself from them.
You sound such a kind caring person I hope everything works out... Keep in contact on here and at least you will get some support and kind words xx

Do you actually see her?! Why haven't you cut her from your life?!

OP you sound like a lovely mother.

Happynewhissy speaks a lot of sense. I agree now to just bin it - sending it back is a reaction. But don't read it. Don't have her voice in your head saying the things she has written - don't give her that power.

And if I were you I would make steps to try and break away from her. Bloody hell it's hard, and it may take you time. But you deserve better. Having NO mother is a better state to be in than having a mother who is so cruel to you.

Are you sure we don't have the same mother cheddar my stepmother was vile but was sweetness itself to the outside world. Like you I was told I was so ugly no one would want me.
Do what I did burn the letter and sever all ties. I didn't see her again until the day she died and I felt nothing
You sound a lovely person I know I am a million times better mother than the old bitch and you know you are too
XXX

Actions like this letter are a sign of needing attention - whether you scream your head off at her, break down sobbing in her arms or slim to a size zero. Any response from you (even if you return it unopened), is fuelling her fire. Ignoring it is the only way you could even attempt any sort of punishment for the years of emotional turmoil she has put you through.

Returning the letter unopened may leave her of the opinion "OP is too insecure/weak/not prepared to hear the truth" (This isnt my opinion!!) and writing a response is as I say fuel.

She will be left wondering if you received it, if youve read it, if you agree with any of it, if you are acting on it.

If you want, put it away. Read it in the future - once you have closute on your feelings. You sound like you are doing really great, and you sound like a lovely mum.

My last letter was sent inside my birthday card. She also sent my DDs hideous letters, DD1's was worse than DD2's as DD2 was always the favoured one.

I still say send it back, and send back any further communication. My mum rang twice. Each time we just left the phone on the side, and let her rant to herself. My sister sent emails to all of us, I deleted mine, and we forwarded the DDs to their father, who wrote back and did a complete character assassination on her.

We've not heard a thing since. If she sent cards they got lost in the post, but possibly she's got the message now.

I still get hideous panic attacks if I have to go anywhere they might be. :(

I am guessing that because she sent a nasty letter, then rang you to tell you she'd sent a nasty letter, she is desperate and all on edge waiting for a reaction from you. Because that what she wants, - you to be hurt and upset.

So my advice is to bin it, and when she rings or asks 'did you read my letter' say 'oh that? - no of course not, I binned it, I'm not interested in your rantings'. Then breezily change the subject.

Good luck x

Sarah thats awful, to abuse an adult is awful but to start on children is just evil, how old were they at the time?

Sarah that is unbelievably cruel - I am so, so sorry. What an absolute disgrace. How utterly awful. I can't imagine how you felt when she started in your daughters.

It was this summer, whilst DD2 was ill with whooping cough. DD2 is 15, DD1 is 19.

That is a terrible thing to do Sarah - you must have been utterly livid, and so upset.

I am a bit worried actually. I have had no contact with my mother since 2009, however dd has remained in touch as they have always been very close. And my moither hasn't done her act with dd like she did with me. But lately dd has been saying that she has made some comments, calling dd ungrateful, various other things. DD wanted to travel to Devon to see her before Christmas, she said she was too busy. I want dd to stop seeing her as I am worried my mother's behaviour is going to become steadily more poisonous - but how can I tell a 17 to stop seeing her grandmother?

Pressed post too soon. I meant to add that, if the OP's mum works like mine, she will consider silence to be weakness. That the letter has been read, and has done it's job. The only way to get through is to make sure she is fully aware that all firms of communication have been cut, and the letter needs to go back, unopened, to emphasize that.

That's a rhetorical question btw - I know I can't really.

Sorry for hijack OP.

:(

Oh GetOrf, they are hideous beings. Does your DD know how your mum treated you? I can't imagine any child of yours not having the nous to realise she's doing a number in them too.

It sounds like the mothers in these cases, have a real deep seated resentment towards women, even women in their own family, i wonder if it would have been different, if the abused were males.

Yes, I agree that the mother could see it as a sign of the OP;s weakness and of her strength, the mother possibly being of the ghastly 'I speak my mind, I am admire for my honesty' types, and she may consider that her dd 'can't face up to reality, couldn't even open a letter because she knew what I was saying was the truth'

Letters are dangerous. I sent an email to my mother after we had been non speakers for a year, she forwarded it to my btother and edited the email to make out that I said horrible things and was abusive. Just bloody used my own olive branch to try and beat me with.

I really think the OP should try and break contact - but that is so hard to do. Especially when that person had tried to erode your self esteem and self belief over years.

They are. Yet my mother would never believe she was anything other than perfect. Professional victim. She does the whole crying, storming off, losinjg temper thing when challenged.

DD is starting to know. I never told her before, it was hard enough, as she was so much younger when me and my mother stopped speaking. Actually today I was talking to her about why I can be a bit up and down, just talking about my mother calling me fat and a ginger twat when I was in my teens and 20s, and I had never told dd that before, and she was pretty shocked.