to return this letter to sender unread?

[cheddarcheeselover]

My mother rang yesterday to say she'd sent me a letter, I wouldn't like what was in it, but she didn't want to have an argument and she didn't want to discuss it.
the letter just arrived.
aibu to send it straight back, and when she rings to tell me I'm being childish to tell her she's welcome to talk to me about any problems but I won't be reading her letters?
I predict it's either a criticism of my parenting, weight or housekeeping.
I love my children and treat them very well (too well in her eyes), our house is messy but clean (her's is totally spotless and always has been - we were ignored in order that the house was immaculate) and I am overweight, always have been, but am trying to change that.

Please don't engage with this process. Destroy the letter.
She is going to call you either way. If you read the letter her words will have hurt you even before you have the conversation. If you return the letter you're joining in the "fight".
Your reason for not opening the letter, should you need to give one, is that you were told you wouldn't like it and it wasn't up for discussion. Why would you open something you wouldn't like?
Sending you a virtual hug.

It doesn't matter what actual words she's used in the letter. What she's really saying is "Look at me... LOOK at me.....PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEE!!!!!!" Which is why just sending it was not enough and she phoned you up to tell you it was on it's way.

This is all the more reason why you're doing the right thing by not responding to it in any way and not giving her the attention she wants.

I think you should destroy it so you won't get annoyed/ upset when you come across it in the future.

It would be too bitchy to send it off to someone she knows, with "Tales of a Toxic Mother" written on the front.

That sounds familiar. I was a stupid little mouse, apparently. Too stupid to be worth schooling.

She's never forgiven me for getting better grades than my expensively educated, highly intelligent sister.

Sarah I will never understand why parents pick a golden child, its disgusting to know that parents do, whats so damn different, i wont ever understand it.

I don't have any experience, thankfully. But I think the unread letter has to go back. Otherwise whatever you say she'll think deep down that you really did read it. If she won't talk to you and you won't open her toxic letter then she has no power at all over you.

The written word is far more powerful than spoken I think. You can re-read it over and over, you can picture it. Once you've read it she has you even if you burn it afterwards.

I have one of those letters, tucked in my knicker drawer, MIL sent it to Dh and he gave it me and said read it cause I won't them tell me if I need to know anything. So I did, and it was full of the usual whoa is me, you don't understand me, I didn't do anything wrong, you all have the wrong end of the stick crap, so I told him and he said toss it. I kept it in case she tries to deny saying what she said in it (that's her m.o.) So I suggest shoving it away somewhere or having your Dh skim through incase it's anything you need to know, but I doubt it is.

what a crap load of mothers we had, birth mother abandoned me on Paddington Station aged 6 sisters we can rise above it

Oh sweety, I'm in tears for you.

My DS is 7, he was born in the hospital next door to where you were left! I could no more leave him, than I could ever understand why she did you.

I'm so sorry. (((hug))) I wish I knew what to say to make it right for you.

OP, I want to give you a suggestion that I don't think has been made yet. I have a mother a bit like yours, and I know that i will never cut her off, despite 'things' she's my mum, and when she's nice things are fine. But over the years she has been absolutely toxic. She has made the hardest times in my life worse, every single time, by orchestrating a big row with me at the worst possible times. (Like the night before I went into a c-section where she was due to be birth partner, for example).

I'm telling you this because my advice would only work if your situation is similar to mine. I have got wise to her now and do not let her manipulate me, and on the whole, things are good. I do not, however, forget. that is important, I think, as she can blindside me now and again if I get complacent.

What I would do is this: Put the letter away. be honest with her about the reason. tell her you're not in a good place right now and you're not going to read it yet, but one day you will. Mention it in passing every now and then. How soon, you're going to climb into the loft and get it back. So that you can read it when you're feeling stronger. Now, if she has any conscience at all, it will eat away at her. Knowing that it's there, and that you're going to get to read it.

If you read it, and react, then your reaction will become 'part' of the row. If you bin it, and send it back, then you will never know what was in it, and she will lie. If you do my suggestion, then you have all the power. Not only do you decline to read it now, when you don't feel up to it, you also have her words as proof of what she is like. And she has this hanging over her. She cannot decide to move forward at any point. Any attempt to be nice to you will always be overshadowed by the fact that you have the letter. She can't apologise or explain or make excuses, because you haven't actually read it. She will be the one waiting, waiting, waiting for the dreaded phonecall, not you. She will be the one lying awake at night wondering if you'll read it today.

After all that, if you're a total bitch, like I am you could invite her round for dinner one Sunday and bring it out with the apple crumble!

What abbier said sounds good.

And 2old really?? How? Why? Poor you! Really poor you.

I'd be tempted to read it.

Then, if it's the pile of toxic nastiness you seem to suspect it is, to photocopy it and send a copy to all her neighbours / colleagues / friends (if she has any) and also to each member of your family. With a little note attached saying you'll no longer be in contact with your mother from this point on, and this letter shows why, in case anyone was wondering; also, that no-one is to try to contact you on her behalf.

Then I'd wash that bitch right out of your hair, before she ruins your daughter's self confidence the way she's destroyed yours.

please dont read it!! it will only harm you, you cant unread it once youve read it and you will never forget the contents if it is toxic

I'm seeing the power in abbie's post. Might be good to consider this.

... Or bin it anyway but TELL her it's saved for later. :D

I don´t agree with Abbie-purely because I can´t imagine that a mother who can do something so awful has a conscience.

Also, as the mother has said she doesn´t want to discuss the letter-it doesn´t matter to her if OP burns it/bins it/reads it anyway, does it?

And if the mother wants to discuss in future, OP can refuse & hang up.

My mother is a toxic writer and I no longer have any contact with her.

The thing is, her thoughts on my life are irrelevant to me. I don't need to know what she thinks, I don't want to know what she thinks, I don't care what she thinks. Her thoughts about me are pointless.

When you get to the point that you daren't read letters from one of your own parents, you also need to think about keeping them away from your DC.

I'm glad you've decided not to read it. No good can come of being assailed by your mother's carefully worded criticism.

I have a mum letter that I kept to remind myself how horrible she is anytime I started to doubt myself and for that purpose it has been useful, but even better would have been to never see it.

Stay strong and don't let your mum destabilise you.

Are there any mothers on MN who send their grown-up daughters critical letters, who can explain why, just why? and who can explain their supposed purpose?

Any psychologists?

My experience of psychology, is very limited, but its either a deep seated resentment of women, or more possibly a hatred to think that an extension of yourself has succeeded your lifes achievements, or just plan old fashion control and manipulation, I made you, therefore i have a right to judge your life. But it just boils to resentment, of who you are, what you are, what you have, and who you need in your life, its the same as Mums who are obsessed over there Sons, Im the only woman in his life compared to Im better than my daughter.

Based on the extreme mother of the friend I gate keep for, and my own, who brought each of us up very differently, and eventually took to inflicting wounds with sharp things to remind of the fragility of life, (sorry, kindest way I can think of phrasing what happened) I?d suggest it?s about ?ownership,? believing children are blank canvases owned and moulded by the parent, being disappointed in the result, and feeling the fault lies with the child as a faulty canvas, and not recognising your children as separate beings with independent right to life, or lives, other than how, if, or when, they choose.

That's really interesting, GregBishop and JustGettingOn. Thank you.

I'm wondering, for the OP (and other recipients of toxic letters from mothers), is the best tactic then to recognise the resentment for the immature emotion that it is, and visibly reject the 'ownership'? i.e. by sending the letter back or binning it or mocking it?

Personally I bin all my mother's crap and got a relative to tell her it was being binned, and it finally stopped arriving.

Firstly, I second all those who are saying not to read the letter. It hasn't got anything important in it (and, if it did, it would eventually become obvious without being forewarned like an illness, or leaving her teapot collection to the ant trainers association )

I can't help but think she believes herself to be in a Harry Potter book - sending a howler to get you into line!

My advice is keep but don't read the letter. Put it somewhere you won't be tempted to open it and don't mention it to your mother. She won't be able to resist asking (especially when you don't suddenly lose 20 stones, beat your DD and eat your meals from your kitchen floor). Then you tell her that yes, you did receive it, and have kept it safely to be read out on the sad occasion of her funeral to remind you of her.

Reading a letter like that is never a good idea, because the aim is the get the toxicity in, and reading it will do that, OP's mum wants desperately to have her criticisms noticed, to validate her behaviour, by not reading the letter the criticism dont exist, OP wont be effect by them, and the mother left with her resentment and manipulation.

That's an intriguing idea - ' 'I'll have it read out at your funeral'!

op how are you feeing today? Did you sleep well last night?

I hope you are ok.

The letter is meaningless to you. I still advocate sending it back with a note on one side. Something like...

As if!
Really!
Twat
Dissed and Dismissed!
Meaningless Drivel
Do feel free to carry on dearie
As you were
Spendid
Have a nice day!

Think of something light and mocking, or strong and decisive. Make some lists. Have a laugh, get your DH to help you. Be outrageous! Then send the letter back.