to return this letter to sender unread?

[cheddarcheeselover]

My mother rang yesterday to say she'd sent me a letter, I wouldn't like what was in it, but she didn't want to have an argument and she didn't want to discuss it.
the letter just arrived.
aibu to send it straight back, and when she rings to tell me I'm being childish to tell her she's welcome to talk to me about any problems but I won't be reading her letters?
I predict it's either a criticism of my parenting, weight or housekeeping.
I love my children and treat them very well (too well in her eyes), our house is messy but clean (her's is totally spotless and always has been - we were ignored in order that the house was immaculate) and I am overweight, always have been, but am trying to change that.

[Proudnscary]

Thank God most of the advice is don't read it!

I get so frustrated when posters don't have experience of or understand toxic parents and the way they operate.

My mum is a Letter Writer and has sent endless infuriating and hurtful letters and emails to family members including myself over the years.

I'm fucking hardcore these days so she wouldn't dare send me anything anymore, she's a bit scared of me because she knows I have zero tolerance fro her shit. Even so my dh admitted intercepting and destroying a letter a few years back!

Do not read it. Don't return to sender - you are just playing her game. She won't get the message whatever you do. Bin it, ignore it and ignore her. She will get herself in a right stew over why you've not responded or mentioned it. But just don't. If she brings it up say 'I thought you didn't want to talk about it'. That's the most I would say.

Sorry your mum is an arsehole. There's a lot of them about.

[HappyNewHissy]

"If you don't read it, I wouldn't send it back - that in itself is a reaction. I would just ignore. Perhaps if (ha - when!) she brings it up you could say "oh, I didn't realise you meant you'd SENT it - gosh, must have been lost in the post". That'll annoy her!"

^This.

I've been wavering the whole thread about what you ought to do.

Let's look at the actual nuts and bolts of what has gone on here:

1. She has thought at length about what she needs to say to you, how awful you are etc etc ad nauseum.
   

1. She then actually wrote them down
   

1. She folded the paper
   

1. Found an envelope
   

1. Put the poison letter in it (and I'm guessing read it more than once before she did do.
   

1. Addressed it
   

THEN

1. Got up off her arse and went to a red box and actually Posted it, knowing that it was goddawful.
   

NOT content with that she got home and did the following:

1. Sat her arse down
   

1. Switched and logged onto the computer
   

10. went to her email

11. Composed an email

12. Read it

13. Addressed it

and lastly

14. HIT SEND.

Points 1 to 7 = she could have checked herself at any one of these stages. She could have had a little voice in her head suggesting that this was not right to do to her own DD. But no. She chose to forge ahead in her poison pen letter, spitting and frothing bile onto paper knowing that every word is designed to sting and hurt the recipient. She could have stopped all that by just putting it back in her handbag and going home.

Points 7- 14 were just her getting a HUGE Narc hard-on, impatient for her fix, she HAD to let you know that she was about to devastate you and what is more she is telling you have to STFU and just take it.

Well FUCK THAT!

She has NO right to do ANY of this. At the very least, where are her fucking manners? If you have nothing nice to say, then say precisely THAT.

I was thinking you ought to send the letter back, but no, indeed it IS a reaction, and will give her a percieved right to ring you up and tell you what the letter said ANYWAY.

I say again FUCK THAT!

Burn the letter, then bin it.

Tell yourself that she has deliberately decided to attack you and that if this were anyone else you would be looking at the Malicious Communications Act.

Get Caller ID and screen your calls. Take a break from this dreadful woman for a while and see how you feel.

No woman who would do that to their own child has the right to be called a Mother.

Think about what you would have to feel for someone to want to do this to them... let alone ACTUALLY going through with it.

Come join us on Stately Homes, please?

[Proudnscary]

Oh and by the way, you sound like a really great mum. You are so right, of course, that your kids come before a spotless house. Your mum, deep down, knows you are a better parent than her. You hold a mirror up to her failings, so she has to attack you and drag you down. Ignore her fucking cowbag.

[shockers]

I would ask your husband/partner to read it, just on the off chance that the news is something about her that she would prefer not to discuss with you after, but she feels you ought to know... she's left your dad and run off with a drag queen... that sort of thing.

If he feels that you need to know that she's leaving all her money to a home for retired poodles in tutus, he can tell you. If not, he can burn it.

[littleladyindoors]

I got a horrendous letter myself hidden in a christmas card.
I read it.
I was on my own at the time, but my family was there within about 3 minutes of me ringing them. DH was at work, but he was on the phone. This was the first of these for me so it was a shock. Personally I could not have not read it. I still have it actually. Not that I will be re-reading it.

The one thing that we agreed on when we read it was that the person writing it wanted a response. Therefore I havent given them one. Actually I suppose I have because I changed my phone number and have gone no contact. Not the response they wanted from the letter. If anything it gave me the impetus to do what I wanted to do for ages. I have changed my number, no stress now, no looking at my phone every time I get a message in case it is them. Couldnt open a christmas card but still!!!

I could not have not read it, it would have been taunting me until I did. But thats me. If you can, ignore its presence. In fact if she asks, tell her it hasnt arrived. The post office do seem to be losing more and more these days

[MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel]

If you feel strong enough to read and disregard everything she says then I would do that, or give it to a friend or your DH to read and then pretend you didn't get it if she mentions it again and casually ask her what was in it.

Next time she critisizes anything about you just remember what a shit parent she was, and still is, she has no grounds to be telling anyone what they are doing wrong.

[Badvoc]

Everything that happynewhissy said! ^

[ThreeBeeOneGee]

Have not read the whole thread, but I would be very tempted to type the contents of her letter as an email, send it to everyone you know and pray it goes viral. Then everyone in the world can see what sort of person she is. If you do decide to do this, then I'm sure the collective power of MN would help you.

[ThreeBeeOneGee]

When I was pregnant with my first, DM went through a stage of leaving messages on my phone that were so critical / toxic that DH had to screen them first, so I sympathise.

[ifancyashandy]

What Hissy so brilliantly said.

Also, as others have said, once you know what's in this awful letter you cannot un-know it. DO NOT READ IT. It will add nothing to your life - indeed, it'll be detrimental to your well being. If a friend of one of your (say) adult children did this, would you advise them to read it?

Burn it. And never mention it to her. Get caller ID and disengage from this relationship. Concentrate on those people who DO support and love you.

[Lilka]

Either bin, burn or return unopened, whichever you prefer

Then don't mention ever again unless she brings it up, in which case just tell her that you never read it.

She set this game up with her rules, and she designed it to have one winner (her) so if you play along, you can only lose it. She will always be one step ahead of you. Disengage and withdraw

[ThatVikRinA22]

i agree with no response is the best response.

i have experience of toxic parenting as its called these days. Having had no contact with a manipulative bitch of a mother for 12 years it floored me last year when i got via facebook a personal message from her. She spent years allowing her partner to abuse me, she then spent years denying it, and then, eventually i think she felt what it was like on the receiving end, (i put up with 8 years of it - she put up with 2 years until he dropped dead) she then wanted to play happy families. fuck that for a game of dominoes.

i had no bloody option than to see it.

i deleted it. i simply didnt respond to it. and i blocked her from fb. i had moved and changed phone number.
i have a script at the ready should she ever turn up here.
but i just wont engage. easy peasy.

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

I'd send it back, and block any form of contact, sending it back will say, Not this time, Mother.

[thefirstmrsrochester]

threebees my 'd'm wrote me a series of the nastiest letters, filled with venom & spite when I was pregnant with dd1, and left horrible horrible voicemails. My DH also screened calls and went through the mail so I don't suppose I ever got to see the worst of them. It's astounding that someone can be so vile towards their own child.
I'd bin the letter and get on with your life your way and be happy.

[whattodoo]

Get someone else to open it and let you know the contents if appropriate.

If you send it back you are putting the ball back in her court.

If you destroy it there is a (small) chance the contents were important.

If you read it, it will almost certainly upset you and be of no help to anyone.

Don't let her know what you've done with it - let her stew wondering whether it's had her desired affect. Will drive her bonkers

[KatyPeril]

Sent it back unopened with the message 'Grow the fuck up'

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

What Has a point, ask someone you trust to read it, if its bile, they can burn it, dont speak to her, it'll drive her crazy, i suspect shes gunning for a showdown.

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

I'm another one for not reading it or getting a nice person to read it.

The most important thing in this situation is to protect yourself. You are lovely and loving and determined to be a good mum, that means that without knowing you, I know you have VALUE. You are a person and deserve love and care and respect. But this letter will not bring that. I hope you can really do something to care & protect yourself - you do deserve it & you don't deserve nastiness & cruelty, so please don't expose yourself to it if you don't have to. Be kind to the little girl who had to suffer the cruelty & hypocrisy of a mother who failed to love her child, and be kind to the grown up you who is so caring & so brave.

Sorry to get slightly gooey there, but I do think that if you've had a horrible upbringing it can leave you with no sense of your own worth, & without knowing how to look after your inner self. You don't deserve whatever is written in that letter, you don't need to expose yourself to more poison.

[HappyNewHissy]

Ah your DM rang you... not emailed... but still, my points 1-7 still applies and the Narc Hard-on too.

Vile, vile, vile woman.

Please leave her for dust.

[HappyNewHissy]

there will be NOTHING in that letter of importance. Trust me.

[cheddarcheeselover]

She's definitely not dying, or running off with a drag queen, or telling me where the diamonds are..
I don't think I'm going to send it back, and I'm definitely not going to read it. I don't think I want anyone to read it, and actually as the day's gone on I've cared less and less what's in it, the people who've said it makes no difference what she say are right.
thankyou all so much, it's quite something when you get more care and kindness from mn than from your own mother.
It's very difficult to admit that I had a crappy time growing up, I had a nice house, and music lessons, and homemade cake every friday. Oh and they took me to many stately homes! But I also spent hours hiding in the downstairs loo just crying my eyes out, and hid in the park and ate a kg of chocolate, and was just so so lonely. She didn't tell me about sex because I was unattractive and wouldn't need to know I see alot of me in DD1, we're both sensitive souls, I cuddle DD1 and tell her how wonderful and clever and beautiful she is and how proud we are of everything she does. I feel like my mum saw me as weak and took the opportunity to crush me.

[JustFabulous]

Is there a reason you still allow this woman to have any part in your life?

So much of what you said snapped with my childhood.

Don't read the letter and I wouldn't even be speaking to her anymore.

She is your mother, she should love you more than anything. Why are some women such bitches to their children. Jealousy I wonder.

[Hattifattner]

Cheddar, you are doing the right thing. I had an OK childhood to the outside world, if you discount the abuse, the emotional neglect, the put downs.... But to the world, we were a loving family. Only we weren't. No-one knows what seethes below the surface of family life.

If you did respond, she would no doubt turn anything you say into another critique of you (Oh you've always been so sensitive) or make it all about her "Im only trying to help you...." or throw a hysterical wobbly that will necessitate the rest of the family ganging up on you.....

Meh, its just not worth it.

You could do what I do - have another member of the family that you like and trust, and ask them to keep you in the loop of any IMPORTANT developments in your mothers life, and then just quietly withdraw contact and get on with making your own family secure and happy.

[whattodoo]

I'm glad to hear that you're caring less and less about the letter as the day goes on. Put it somewhere out of reach (metaphorically) and put it out of your mind.

So sorry you had a shit childhood, but you sound as though you are determined that your own DD will have a wonderfully happy, loving and healthy upbringing. Lucky her

[HappyNewHissy]

:( ((((HUGS))))

You poor love! How awful she really is.

We had horses, stuff, stately homes, forrin holidays etc. But I was continually criticised and belittled.

Latterly abandoned when in most need, left for emotional dead while my abusive Ex got a Goodbye and goodluck phone call...

MN has given me more love and support than RL anyday. I try as best I can to give back.

This is your day to make a change. to say to yourself that never again will you allow this to happen to you. Please just rid yourself of her poisonous letter, then change your numbers. You have a right to be really bloody angry with her, about your childhood AND this letter. Let yourself feel what you need to feel. It's really important for your own health.

Go NC for a while. don't call her or take her calls. cancel your voicemail too. Your network provider can do this. Delete any text she sends without reading it.

Once the Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) has cleared a little, you will know what you need to do going forward.

Speaking of Forward... Toxic Parents is a great book. Author is Susan Forward IIRC.