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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to return this letter to sender unread?

300 replies

cheddarcheeselover · 08/01/2013 12:16

My mother rang yesterday to say she'd sent me a letter, I wouldn't like what was in it, but she didn't want to have an argument and she didn't want to discuss it.
the letter just arrived.
aibu to send it straight back, and when she rings to tell me I'm being childish to tell her she's welcome to talk to me about any problems but I won't be reading her letters?
I predict it's either a criticism of my parenting, weight or housekeeping.
I love my children and treat them very well (too well in her eyes), our house is messy but clean (her's is totally spotless and always has been - we were ignored in order that the house was immaculate) and I am overweight, always have been, but am trying to change that.

OP posts:

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 08/01/2013 13:59

Read it. From what you have said she has no problem criticising you to your face, so why would she write your a letter?

Maybe it is really important and she is dying or something?

KenLeeeeeee · 08/01/2013 14:01

*I would put the unopened letter in an envelope and enclose a note saying something like:

I am returning your letter unread as I refuse to engage with your game playing.
If you have anything useful to say to me, please feel free to speak to me in a reasonable, respectful way.
If you do not feel able to speak to me reasonably or respectfully, then I suggest you keep your thoughts to yourself as I will simply ignore you. It would be a shame if your actions caused a permanent breach between us.*

^That is excellent.

roguepixie · 08/01/2013 14:03

Am so sorry you have a mother like this. What people do to each other, like this, never fails to horrify me. There seem to be no lengths to which some people will not go to make themselves feel superior, validated and vindicated when, in truth they are the perpetrator.

I would suggest that you return the letter, unopened and, obviously, unread. Whatever is in it is irrelevant. Whether your parenting is wrong, your house is messy or you are overweight - it doesn't matter. The letter has one aim and that is to demean you, to criticise and put you down and make you feel less than.

Ask yourself - who is she to criticise you? Was she the perfect mother? No. Has she succeeded in raising her children without fault? No. You have suffered because of her parenting and you continue to suffer.

What has already happened is something you cannot change. It is set. However, your present and definitely you future are yours to determine. You decide how you parent, how you clean, what size you are. Your life is your own, don't let her determine how you live.

I say this as someone who has a highly toxic sister and a mentally ill MIL, both of whom never fail to tell me where I have gone wrong, failed them, taken the wrong decision etc etc. I have ended up in counselling to try to overcome very low self esteem. I am, thankfully, receiving help and am coming out of such damaging relationships. Please, remove yourself from this woman - she will not bring you peace, joy, calm or support.

I am thinking of you and sending you {{{{{hugs}}}}

DontmindifIdo · 08/01/2013 14:03

If you are tempted to read it, could you steam it open so if you still want to reseal and resend to her you can?

pluCaChange · 08/01/2013 14:04

When I was getting letters from a cheating ex boyfriend, I started binning them, and it felt great! There he was, writing whining at length, paying international postage, trusting to the postal system where I was (think South America or East Asia), and I binned all that. Fantastic. Even better when I could find a wet, faggy street bin that a drunk could be hoped to throw up into.

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 08/01/2013 14:05

This:

*piprabbit Tue 08-Jan-13 13:54:04
I would put the unopened letter in an envelope and enclose a note saying something like:

It's a letter from a grown up, which you are, not some child she can remotely bollock and as another poster said not give you the opp to reply as she's doing it.

It stops her just sending it back to you.

It makes it clear you got it and didn't read it.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 08/01/2013 14:05

Oh, OP .

I don't have any advice but I wanted to say that you sound like a lovely person and a lovely parent.

Now open the darn letter so we can give you some pithy phrases to use in response.

More seriously, perhaps just bin it.

ConfusedPixie · 08/01/2013 14:06

As stoner others have said, you're best off binning, or better yet, burning it and not giving her the satisfaction of a response at all. She will push for a response later but for now it will do. I do like the idea of sending it back on an installed argos catalogue though :)

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 08/01/2013 14:06

FWIW years ago I had a document like this I decided would harm me to read. I have NEVER regretted not opening it. When I think of it it's with a : "Whew! Close shave!"

momb · 08/01/2013 14:07

I'd second Steppemum's suggestion. Let someone else read it in case it is important, but do not do so yourself.

I would call her though, (once you know the letter is rude) and let her know that you didn't read it as anything she has to say should be said to your face...if whatever she has to say is too rude to say to you directly, then it's too rude to say at all. No need for a discussion, but if she wants to bully you then she at least has to look you in the eye as she does it.

TreadOnTheCracks · 08/01/2013 14:08

I want to know what's in it.

But I think you should send it back unopened.

She sounds toxic, don't engage.

pluCaChange · 08/01/2013 14:10

Sorry, I ought to add that in your circumstances, I'd definitely return to sender, since that will have a more beneficial result for your relationship, and it's easier than finding ways to destroy the letter. However, I really do recommend a bit of voodoo transference, as it is a great relief and a lot of fun to burn photos or shit on letters (or get a random dog or stranger to do so). Seriously, it is enormous fun, and it sound like you need a catharsis which will be pleasant, unlike tears and shouting

SarahWarahWoo · 08/01/2013 14:12

Read it, otherwise she has the power in her court......

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 08/01/2013 14:12

I think I'd bin it and say nothing, but quietly think about the relationship and how I wanted it to progress. Don't make yourself open to attack if you're feeling vulnerable. It isn't worth it.

MumVsKids · 08/01/2013 14:12

I'm with nickel!! Send it back but only after an MNer has steamed open, read and resealed!

mamamibbo · 08/01/2013 14:20

im in the minority here but i would open it and read it because i think it might be the straw that breaks the camels back and you shut her out of your life.

my mum sounds like yours, perfect to everyone else, i have very little to do with her now and its much easier

Anniegetyourgun · 08/01/2013 14:35

Unless you can bring yourself to send it back with a short, sharp covering note, bin is the way to go. You know it's going to be something critical and unfair which will make you feel like shit. Reading it won't tell you anything you don't already know, other than what precise shade of shit she is currently painting you. But the good news is she can't talk to you about it because she doesn't want to discuss it, right?

"Hi Cheddar, it's Mum, have you had time to read that letter I sent you?"
C: "You told me you don't want an argument, so I'm not going to talk about it."
M: "Now don't be huffy dear, I did say you wouldn't like it."
C: "You said you didn't want to discuss it, so I am not going to discuss it."
M: "Well if you're going to sulk about it..."
C: "You said you were not prepared to discuss it. I am obeying your request."

And so on until she gives up in frustration.

FreudianLisp · 08/01/2013 14:42

If you want to take a lower-key approach than sending it back, could you just say "Oh, your letter? I haven't had time to read it. I'm really busy at the moment."

valiumredhead · 08/01/2013 15:24

Just bin it unread.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 08/01/2013 15:34

I would either do what lady suggested or read it and use the contents to decide once and for all if you want her in your life.

I sort of think that not reading it is not only protecting you but also her from the fallout of her words.

LaCiccolina · 08/01/2013 15:38

Tell her it's been received. You have decided not to read it as clearly there's nothing there pleasant or worth reading else why do it this way?

You will not be reading. Then burn it.

firesidechat · 08/01/2013 15:38

I would burn it. Think that would be very therapeutic.

LoopsInHoops · 08/01/2013 15:51

I think you should write a list of all the things you expect might be in it, along with reasons why she is talking bullshit. Then play bingo with it, knowing full well it is all bullshit. Then don't speak to her again.

This has the added advantage of, in the unlikely even it actually contains the whereabouts of her diamond supply or an invitation to her wedding in Vegas, you will have read it.

Longdistance · 08/01/2013 15:53

Send if back with a sheet of toilet paper works every time.

knackeredoutmum · 08/01/2013 15:56

I have been in this situation with DM. My sincere advice to you would be do not under any circumstances read it, because someone stands to get hurt, and that someone is you. You will never forget what you read and you dont know how toxic it could be.

I would rip it into tiny pieces and put it in someone elses bin, burn it or post it back - as soon as possible to prevent curiosity from getting the better of you.

Then phone and say you havent read it and have no intention of doing so.

We have received countless toxic messages and it was such a relief to bin the last one unread. It made me feel in control for a brief moment !

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