to return this letter to sender unread?

[cheddarcheeselover]

My mother rang yesterday to say she'd sent me a letter, I wouldn't like what was in it, but she didn't want to have an argument and she didn't want to discuss it.
the letter just arrived.
aibu to send it straight back, and when she rings to tell me I'm being childish to tell her she's welcome to talk to me about any problems but I won't be reading her letters?
I predict it's either a criticism of my parenting, weight or housekeeping.
I love my children and treat them very well (too well in her eyes), our house is messy but clean (her's is totally spotless and always has been - we were ignored in order that the house was immaculate) and I am overweight, always have been, but am trying to change that.

Yes. Send it back to her unopened. And then ignore her phone calls - how horrible she is, to want to upset you like this.

write 'I dont want to discuss it either' on the back and return to sender.

I think don´t read as it will upset you.

Can you safely burn it?

I wouldn´t bother to send it back-too much effort.

Do you think you know what it will be about ?

Similar to nickel , get a friend to read and judge whether you want to know, and summarise for you.

The thing is it might subconciously drive you loopy, not knowing, if you burn or return.

eg DM: Well I opened my heart to you in that letter but you didn't want to know. It was all about X,Y and something else, but I'm not going to talk about it ever.

OTOH she sounds evil .

On balance I'd go the friend route.

another one advising you to return to sender here!

It's not going to be anything other than criticism. If it were difficult news like her ill health then why would she say 'I don't want an argument'.

This is the equivalent of her having her say and then putting her hand up to prevent you having yours.

Does that happen generally when you argue? that is a really 'symptom' of my mine and my mother's communication. She can tell me my flaws. Eg, I'm too impatient, I'm too this or not enough that, but I can never tell her what her own flaws are. Funnily enough I have no right to tell her her flaws but she has every right to tell me mine. And this has been 'the script' for the twenty years since I've been an adult. She's not constantly criticising me every minute of every day. We get on well generally.

Don't send it back - that's another form of engaging with her.

Burn it. Then never mention it again.

I couldn't not read it - I'm not saying you should, just that that is my personality.

If you don't read it, I wouldn't send it back - that in itself is a reaction. I would just ignore. Perhaps if (ha - when!) she brings it up you could say "oh, I didn't realise you meant you'd SENT it - gosh, must have been lost in the post". That'll annoy her!

I think you have to decide if you want her in your life, and on what terms, separate to this decision about the letter.
If you are on the verge of seeing her for just being too much to include in your life, the crap in this letter might help you to be firm in your resolve.

If you still have a place for her, I would call her and say it won't get read, because you will not be told that you cannot discuss things. And that she is NOT to behave like that. And mean it.

My mother sent me a short, unsigned letter last year accusing me of humiliating her. I found it satisfying to write back "you may have felt humiliated, but that was your choice, not my doing, your emotions are your own responsibility". I haven't heard from her since. I have siblings, so actually being able to share this letter was a good thing for me - not in a shitstirring way, but just to remind them that I was the reasonable one.

If you know you cannot deal with what is in the letter, get a counsellor. Because whether you read it or not, you have to move on from her shit.

I think you should return it unopened. I also think you should answer her every criticism with 'I know, its a result of poor parenting'. Whatever she says, just keep repeating this parrot fashion. Done enough times and on every occasion, it might just work.

I really don't know, most likely either my weight or the fact that a baby blanket she gave/loaned me (she's taken it back recently) had a mark on it, so a lecture on how I don't take care of things properly.

and yes Mu1berry, that's how it works here too. No one is allowed to suggest that any way but her way is best. Even down to the fact that she's angry with me not potty training DD2 yet because all of us were potty trained by 18m and doing it differently is taken as criticism of her.

Do you have a dog or cat, or one that you could 'borrow' from a friend or neighbour? Or even a neighbour's car who might have got into your house via an open window.

Cue a cheerful conversation to your mum saying "such a shame, your letter came, but the dog/cat chewed it up/ peed all over it so I had to throw it straight in the bin. If you write it out again I will definitely read it". It may well give her pause for thought if she has to write out her toxic bile again. If she does bother to send it again, then you can continue to come up with ever more elaborate excuses as to how the letter never seems to arrive to you in one piece (DC was sick, wet themselves by the door. Postman got hit by a car. Pranksters stole the sign with the name of the road so the new postman delivered it to the wrong address).

I'd ask DH or a highly trusted friend to read it for me. I would leave it to their judgement how much, if anything, to tell me about it. My response after that would depend entirely on the contents.

((((OP))))

It sounds like you're doing a fine job of being a good person, a great mother and a good partner to your DH.

go on the stately homes thread, too :)

Or even a neighbour's car who might have got into your house via an open window

Am now envisaging Chitty Chitty Bang Bang loose in the OP's place!

She sounds like a disgrace. I totally agree with you that to send it back unopened would be best, and don't comment on it.

She sounds completely poisonous. Some mothers are useless, it is heartbreaking but there it is. My life has been a lot better since I stopped speaking to mine. I don't have that stomach churning guilt and obligation every time I see her now.

There is a really good helpful thread on here (stately homes). You don't have to put up with this. She has buggered your self esteem as it is.

I too wish I had a mum - someone who I could have lovely days out with, or just cooking in the kitchen in companionable silence. But I will never have that. My mum could never be a mum. It has been difficult to accept but better that than accepting someone who constantly criticised and ground me down.

I think sending that letter back would be a strong statement. You don't have to put up with someone putting you down all the time. Make a stand.

Cheddar - I just think if you don't read it it will be another "hold" she has over you. Unless you are ready now to cut her out completely then I really think you should be brave and read it and respond by letter. It sounds as though she half expects you not to read it which she would find gratifying in a "told you so" kind of way.

If the letter is full of criticisms of you, don't defend yourself, just say what you have told us here ... that all you wish is that she could be kind and supportive and let you live the life you choose.

Then if your relationship is still difficult or becomes non-existent at least she can't accuse you of ignoring her/failing to engage/not making an effort.

Actually cross posts with someone - yes sending it back would be a reaction wouldn't it. Is she the type of person to come marching around, open it in your face and screech for you to read it?

Perhaps binning it would be best (bin it in a public place so you are not tempted at 3am to rootle through the bin to open it and know what she said).

But don't allude to it in conversation.

Oh you poor thing. This is really horrible, isn't it.

I rather like the idea of the ever more bizarre reasons why the letter yet again failed to hit it's mark! I can imgaine that being extremely annoying to the sender!

Definitely don't read it as you are too vulnerable to her comments so it's a choice between bin it or return unread and I personally would bin it.

If you return it she will take this as some attempt at an argument and will probably generate another horrible letter or angry phone call. If you bin it she'll probably be amazed at your dignified silence and realise she is losing her power over you.

My gut instinct would be to read it because curiosity would get the better of me.....but going on your other posts and reading other comments i think in your situation returning it unopened would be the best plan. She'll know for sure you haven't read it, and it gives you some power back - you are choosing not to get involved.

It does sound like she has too much involvement in your life OP - perhaps this is the time for you to step well away from her. Getting "angry" with you for not potty training when she did, for example. NONE of her business.

return it to her unopened. Perhaps send a text saying you have done this and if she wants to discuss whatever's on her mind like a grown up she can, if not it can't be all that important.

I would put the unopened letter in an envelope and enclose a note saying something like:

I am returning your letter unread as I refuse to engage with your game playing.
If you have anything useful to say to me, please feel free to speak to me in a reasonable, respectful way.
If you do not feel able to speak to me reasonably or respectfully, then I suggest you keep your thoughts to yourself as I will simply ignore you. It would be a shame if your actions caused a permanent breach between us.

Bin it! DH's family do all this nasty letter sending stuff. It's toxic and pathetic and ge only way to escape it is to refuse to engage with it.

Returning it to her is just playng along with her game. So what if she thinks you have read it?

If you don't mention it, then you look like you are doing as you are told, she's told you to read it and not discuss it. She will think you are doing just what she said.

my aunt sends my mum toxic emails. Now they all go straight to my dad's computer and he reads them. He never tells my mum the content. He doesn't always tell her he has even received one. He has to let my aunt have the email address as he is executor of my grandparents estate and there are bits of paperwork regularly he has to tell her about.

This way if she ever emailed to say she was ill etc, we would know. But he acts as the gatekeeper for my mum

Is there anyone who could do that for you? You can tell your mum you haven't read it, but dh has just incase it was important. As it wasn't he has put it in the bin!

You know you don't HAVE to have her in your life, don't you?

It's ok to say that she is just so awful to you that it's affecting your mental health and you're done now. Bye bye.

It's hard to cut someone off when we are conditioned to believe that an accident of birth means we have to have them in our lives - but sometimes it really is for the best.

Or at least to refuse to allow them power over you.

What's the worst that can happen if you, for example, tell her to shut the hell up?

You can deal with it. Honestly, you can. Get support from people around you who actually love you.