To not feel rich even though husband earns £250k a year

[whoovian]

I don't feel rich - I scarcely feel comfortable on this level of income.

Why is that - I grew up in a very poor family (not enough food at times type of poor) so I know what poverty feels like.

We are not extravagent spenders - we have one 1 week european holiday a year, no savings however we do have 4 children in private school(!) and live in London.

I feel unreasonable when I consider how little income others survive on but what do you think?

JustAHolyFool to me rich means to be able to afford what ever you want, when ever you want. Not having to check your bank balance when making a big purchase, but knowing that you will have enough and more money!! - that is my personal opinion on being rich!

bumble those things are not priorities, but just nice things to have. Our mortgage is small because we was very lucky when buying.

DH and I may have worked hard to earn our wages , however lots of other people work far harder and each much less .

We were just lucky to be born clever and be in the right place at the right time .

Have come at the end of this thread, I haven't read it all, I do understand the OP though, our post-tax income is 12-15,000 a month. Which is ridiculous.

I never feel rich though.

I know we're extremely fortunate but with four DCs at independent school & living in London I'd feel pretty skint compared to the people around me.

Luckily I live in the Welsh borders & have two DCs.

Still don't feel rich..

Comfortable, but not rich.

Whoovian - for a bit of perspective, I live in a Northern ex-mining village. Our income is probably on the high side for the village, since DH is an IT professional. Up here, that simply means he earns above the national average income. To put it in perspective, only 280 families in our area of Co Durham have lost their child benefits, today.

Even in areas like this, there are some people who are "aspirational" in their buying choices, though. There are people who aspire to the posh and becks lifestyle as they perceive it, with "designer" clothes and just the right phones. So many people have Audis and BMWs and even though there are a lot of battered, dirty old 4WDs that belong to people who really do drive on muddy bits, there's plenty of smart ones, just a few years old, that belong to people in the same terraces that we live in. Next door had a lovely extension built onto their house, which increased it to over 1000sq ft, funded by a remortgage. A year later next door but one (Audi owning types, formerly into burberry check, latterly into small dogs in knock off designer handbags) got exactly the same one built by the same builders. Their garage had to be taller though (Idiots - they got the roof made so steep that it leaks). And they ran out of money and didn't finish it for a year.

I suspect that you do feel rather bulldozed by the school issue and what it's costing you, but you need to be aware that, if you are prone to the effects of peer pressure, you will feel it in any walk of life. I'm sure even the shallowest wives of the wealthiest footballers feel inadequate about the size of their bling compared to others.

And while people around you might have the bigger house, others might have more holidays, others might dine out more, I doubt if any with comparable income AND school fees can do all of that. The ones with more holidays might live off Sainsburys basics fake weetabix, Richmond sausages and pot noodles. The ones who dine out might only take the kids to the library to occupy them at weekends. You, however, are seeing a sample of what lots of families do and lumping all of those together. And it makes you feel like crap.

And you've not reacted to any suggestions, but I'm wondering whether you really do feel equal in your marriage. I might be getting the wrong end of the stick, but your DH's hang ups and priorities seem to be trumping yours. That's probably why you don't feel comfortable and secure.

I don't think auntypittoatt meant that other people don't work hard. But just that people on high incomes have usually worked hard to get there . I do think it is a lot to do with luck though as well

We were just lucky to be born clever and be in the right place at the right time.

Well said, Arisbottle :)

Justread - [gasp]! Would you like me to help you with that? I'm on the Welsh border! I'm ever so good at spending money helping people feel better about themselves

Have not read the whole thread but my response to the op

You are not "poor" by any stretch of anyones imagination, your lifestyle choices meant that your cashflow is stretched that is an entirely different thing. One of my siblings complains of being broke but brings home WAY more than we do, chose to buy a massive house and fritters money on crap.

We survive on probably less than 5% of your income, own our home, kids in state education, 6 year old car...holidays are our only extravagence.

I do think growing up without money can exaggerate your need to know you have it in later life.

We live in a very snobbish area - I could double my friendships if I drove a merc and wore designer clothes...not a place I chose to go but I comfort myself with the knowledge that we probably have WAY more money in the bank than many of the "ladies" I see on the school run.

You could be very well off if you re-assessed your lifestyle.

Ooh. Link fail!

here is an article on whether Britons feel rich or poor.

Sorry about that.

Lol, Doodles, I thought that was a photo of a Mumsnetter looking at Mr Whoovian's pay slip.

I earn in a year more-or-less what your DH earns in a month.

It's plenty for us.

There are two ways to feel rich: have more money... Or want fewer things.

Arisbottle - I like you!

I dont doubt that a high percentage of people who earn a lot work hard but I have known plenty of fat old chaps who are earning stupid money on the board of this or that and do bog all for it. Having the right background, going to the right school, fostering the right contacts all helps.

I was told at 15 that "girls education is not important" by my parents, I did 1 year at college, was accepted for a 2nd and was then heavily encouraged by my parents to discontinue my education and get some money coming in. As a result i have spent the majority of my working life bored out of my head and earning not a lot.

I do hate frilly people who think having spent tons of money means they are "poor"

Whoovian, what do YOU earn? Do we just assume that women earn less than men, or is just women who tell us how much their husbands earn who clearly don't work in the real world themselves??

You maybe don't have savings or cash left at then end of the month becuase rather than driving a Nissan Micra you choose to drive a BMW 4x4; because rather than the bus you choose to get a taxi, because the clothes you choose to buy are boutique not jumble sale, you choose to have 4 (four???) privately educated children....whatever. Frankly, more fool you.

I really don't think the OP needs financial advice or more savings to make her feel better (although putting money in a pension would be a rather good idea). Counselling/therapy would go a lot further to explore her feelings about what constitutes 'security' and whatever may be going on between her and her husband wrt to life goals and decision sharing.

Another perspective on feeling rich or feeling poor.

I left my ex well over a decade ago. We had a gross income of over 60K between us and no kids - mortgage was £500pcm. ExH let money slip through his fingers and spent it like there was no tomorrow and we were always in heavy debt, despite my best efforts to make sure that cards and loans were paid off. Usually out of my income

The spending was one of many reasons why I left him.

I got pregnant not long after getting together with DH and our income halved. it soon became clear after DS1 was born that he was somewhat demanding. My health had suffered through my pregnancy, too, and the combined issues meant that I took a lot of sick leave through pregnancy and never went back to work. I was now in a relationship with a baby included on half the income to a few years previously. Mortgage 260pcm for a slightly smaller house in a quiet village rather than a trendy suburb.

BUT, apart from the mortgage, which is almost paid off, and despite food bills comparable to the OP per person and a second child who also turned out to have SN, we've never overspent, despite always being able to buy small luxuries that we've wanted. We save and we overpay the mortgage. We have no car payments because we save ahead for the car we know we'll probably need to change every 6-7 years (DH has a 50 mile round trip to work and back and I don't drive, so we have one large, economical, reliable car).

I still struggle to understand why and how finances were so tight, 11+ years ago. We should have been rolling in it.

My only answer is the fact that my priorities now are so different. Plus I don;t have a DH who would rather spend £200 on Folio society books so he can act learned than pay off some CC debt. Before i left him, I simply put his bills on his desk, rather than dealing with them myself, then he got angry at me because they hadn't been paid towards that month.

Another question, OP - is your husband aware of how your income and outgoings match up, or is he happily oblivious and hoping it all matches?

What a very interesting thread. Lots of food for thought.

OP: well done for staying level-headed and polite despite the aggressiveness of some posters.

I agree with those who wonder whether your insecurity might come from lack of a back up plan and a ack of a say in how the family money (not DH's money) is spent. I would recommend chatting o DH and making sure you both save more and put money into pensions: unless you have put away a lot before, 6k is nothing- it should be more 25-35k and you should def be contributing to a pension and savings account for yourself.

If we were in your situation I would probably not sleep at night worrying about DH losing his job. It s the curse of the single income family (or dual income, but with one salary much smaller than the other...

Well, some people are never satisfied.
I feel sad for them.

i do feel for the OP here, she's being very decent. as i understand it, she does understand rationally that she is rich, she just doesn't feel it. that's not her moaning about her finances, that's her wondering why she doesn't have peace of mind. totally different. we all struggle with what we struggle with... for her, it's the fact that her dh is away working heaps, and presumably she is too, and for what? (the answer, to pay for their kids' education and a farking brilliant retirement). hey ho. she is lucky, but it's okay for her to wonder why she doesn't feel lucky, surely?

she is lucky, but it's okay for her to wonder why she doesn't feel lucky, surely?

but that is not what she is saying! she is saying she doesn't feel rich - not lucky.

I don't feel rich, but i do feel lucky!

I guess anyone can feel poor if they spend it all fast enough

I can understand why there is resentment to OP, not above feeling some myself but we all know surely that mental ill health does not discriminate between rich and poor?

You seem to feel tremendously insecure OP, even though rationally you have no reason to. Even if your DH lost his job and you got divorced, there'd be enough assets there to stop you going back to that, don't know if you can pay the rent, lifestyle. Some people think that when they get to a certain weight they will be confident and secure in themselves for instance, then they are not - hence we similarly can get annoyed when a size 10 woman tells us she does not feel good about her body. Are there class issues making you feeling insecure too maybe? Is it perhaps even hard sometimes to relate to your expensively educated children who have never experienced the financial adversity that you went through?

Why not find yourself a good therapist and get to the root of all of this? What a waste to live with unhappiness when there is no need to....

marking the thread to read later.

AIBU to be completely ed at this thread?

I am returning to work soon to earn £30k before tax, ins, huge % pension.

After paying the mortgage and child minder, I will not have enough money to pay the bills. Or...pay the bills but not have enough money to get to work...hmmm er...

I do feel for you OP, having shit-loads of money isn't always brilliant.

It's better than having none.

But it brings its own difficulties.

I think it can be a mindset. We have roughly the same though no kids at private school. We have a good life, better than most and i appereciate this. But i never think of myself as rich, maybe it's our poor wc backgrounds. Rich is the mega millionaires.