To not feel rich even though husband earns £250k a year

[whoovian]

I don't feel rich - I scarcely feel comfortable on this level of income.

Why is that - I grew up in a very poor family (not enough food at times type of poor) so I know what poverty feels like.

We are not extravagent spenders - we have one 1 week european holiday a year, no savings however we do have 4 children in private school(!) and live in London.

I feel unreasonable when I consider how little income others survive on but what do you think?

[NorthernLurker]

I think a big part of the issue the OP has is, as others have said, that she isn't happy with how the money is being spent. For many people being able to send your dcs to a posh private school (must be for those fees!) would make them feel rich. It doesn't do that for the OP as she didn't want to use that school in the first place.

[Justfeckingdoit]

OP

If the below offends you, me and my DP earn a bit more than you..

I keep trying to write something polite, but words fail me.

Get a grip.

Times about 1 billion.

You are so lucky and pivillaged you don't know what has hit you.

Be very, very thankful for what you have in material terms, but don't ever equate that with what matters, nor what other people actually judge you for.

If you are not happy, you may well need to think about what is really important in life.

As some one who has had money, and been beyond skint, the difference is, well nothing really other than a nice sofa. And who the feck gives a toss about that?

Well, you obviously, but if you care that much, I feel a bit sad for you.

[PacificDogwood]

Ok.

I think the posts are now getting repetivie:
OP, you are VVVVV unreasonable - she knows that.
OP, I have some sympathy for your feelings, here is a suggestion etc etc
OP, work on a bit of mindfulness and counting your blessings.

Does that sum it up?

whoovian, as somebody else asked: Why did you ask? What question are you asking yourself?? Are you looking for more meaning in your life? Financial (start saving) or emotional (start talking with your DH) security?

There is no need to answer me (or anybody on this thread) of course, but these might be some questions to ask yourself.

I can only repeat how glad I am not live/work in such a socially competitive environment - being a 'rich' fish in a 'poor' pond makes for feeling v flush indeed IYKWIM.

[SirCliffRichardSucksEggsInHell]

I offer life appraisals for the one-off bargain price of just £10k by the way. It will be money well spent

[Mouseface]

Most people live off their 'disposable' income, whether that's £100k or £100 (or less).

We live within our budget, carefully planned for each month. We're not loaded but we're not on the breadline either thankfully.

DH has his own business, DS has complex SN, which requires me to be his full-time carer, and our DD is at the local state Academy. I don't work because of DS and also because I am disabled also. So I guess that I'm living off the state, especially as I have a 'free' car.

We've both been in the financial shit individually in the past but clawed our way out of the mess, and now budget for as much as we can, not having a crystal ball and all! We try to go on holiday in the UK each year, we don't eat out often if at all due to the lack of support (no family nearby to help with babysitting etc) for DS and myself.

But, when we can, we do treat ourselves to a nice take-away, bottle of something lush etc.... we make time for each other and our children.

Whoovian - I, like others, don't understand why you posted and what you wanted to hear.

I do think you need to start saving some of the £42k each month. We don't have a lot but we'd be able to get the boiler fixed should it break.



I get the impression that this is more than about money.... you have the status but what about the emotional side of things, emotional security as Pacific says?

What's missing? Why do you feel there's a gap in your life.

Clearly the saying money can't buy happiness is very true in your case

[Arisbottle]

according to the mail 4.4k a month needed to live a life of luxury

There was a study recently which quoted the amount people need to earn on average to be happy and it was lower than one expected , which supports what LaQueen said. I think money can make you happy to a certain extent , because you can buy things and experiences that make you happy.

About 8 years ago we took a drop in income as I went into teaching and my salary dropped by about 2/3. I did miss the money at the start although I am not sure if I became unhappy as a result . However one of the things that had to go because of my wage drop was our cleaner. As a family now we have slightly less leisure time and DH and I have very very long days which does affect our happiness . We also had to cut back on holidays although I am just as happy going on a camping holiday to be honest.

As I said earlier money does enable you to buy those moments that give you a golden glow . In particular I love watching my children being able to pursue hobbies and being able to take them on holiday .

I grew up poor and frankly it was shit and stressful and I just don't want that for my children . Many of the things that I spend money on are the things that I missed out on as a child. I never went to any classes or extra curricular activities , all of my children , down to my youngest, do activities and I am chuffed to bits that we can do that . We never had a holiday as a family , as a family we have some kind of holiday every school holiday . Usually not abroad and often camping . We never ate out as a family growing up , not surprising we do so most weeks now . I also had cheap clothes as a child and was bullied for it, all of us , children and adults have wardrobes that are bursting.

Interestingly the one time when my parents did splash the cash is Christmas, my parents went catalogue crazy. We spend very little on Christmas presents and DH and I don't buy for one another at all . I am sure Freud would have a field day with me .

[Mouseface]

Arisbottle - I am sure Freud would have a field day with me

Great post. Your childhood was similar to mine, and most who have posted here about having no money. And of course the OP herself.......

I too would never want my children to 'go without' if we can afford something they want, within reason. I think those who have lived through poverty at some point and to whatever degree, are sometimes the ones who fight that little bit harder to try to prevent history repeating itself for their own children.

I know that I do. I'm grateful of course for hand me downs from a friend who shops at Gap, Boden and various other labels I could never afford, but she told me only recently that she only ever buys in the sales and that the other stuff is from a little boy she used to child mind for.

[whoovian]

So many really pertinent posts.

I originally posted because this is not something I felt I could speak to any one in RL about. Either my friends on comparable incomes would lack perspective or family who would be resentful (not of the money but of my view on my 'problem').

So I posted here and I got a wider range of opinions that I anticipated.

Lots of people pm'd me and although not all were sympathetic of my dilema all were kind and constructive and I appreciated that.

My husband's insistence that our kids are at private schools is not something I feel I can question if only because they are happy and settled and that decision can not be undone unless forced upon us. We are (happily) not in that position.

We do need to save more and that means budgeting. This was not something I expected to have to do. I do have to do it.

As a child I knew that it was down to me to escape from the grinding poverty I grew up in. I dragged myself out by becoming a professional in a lucrative industry. I expected that to be the end of my money worries and to the most part it is but I didn't appreciate that financial reponsibilities remain.

I have not gotten to the bottom of my feelings around 'satisfaction' but it seems clear that money is not the key to how I am feeling.

[amillionyears]

Woo hoo you have come back.
Well done.
Glad you have found posts helpful.
Perhaps we can help you about the finding more satisfaction, perhaps on another thread?

[Catchingmockingbirds]

As a child I knew that it was down to me to escape from the grinding poverty I grew up in. I dragged myself out by becoming a professional in a lucrative industry.

And by marrying a very high earner .

You need to change your expectations OP. As I said up thread, DP and I felt comfortable on 18k. We haven't ever been on holiday and we shop in Primark when we can afford it but our expectations at far different, comfortable to me means not worrying about where I'm going to get money for the weekly shop, being able to buy a new uniform and jacket for DS and paying the gas and electricity bills on time.

[AitchTwoOhOneTwo]

good luck, and well done on this thread. maybe some talking therapy might help, it seems a shame not to be able to enjoy how well you've done in life.

[angel1976]

whoovian I think you have remained remarkably calm and dignified in the face of some of the comments you have received here. I have wanted to post on here earlier but probably doesn't feel quite eloquent enough to articulate how I feel.

I don't think it's always about the money as such (and as proven here many times over how people can feel rich or poor however much they earn...) but our attitude about money is a manifestation of how we were brought up, childhood issues, self-esteem issues etc.

I was 'left' as a child by my parents who left me to be brought up by my grandmother and auntie's family (they both worked and culturally this was very the done thing in those days and in my culture) and we were 'poor'. I didn't have a barbie doll till I was 11 and I won her at a lucky draw at my dad's work party! I was also abused by a family member in that time. I moved back in with my parents at 11 and felt tormented as I should have been happy but I 'grieved' the loss of my other family (my auntie had 5 children and I remain close to all of them to this day, they are my 'sisters' in every sense of the word).

When I was 18/19, I got a sense of freedom and went on a self-destruct route. Finally ended up seeing a psychotherapist who helped me see a lot of my issues. One of the big issues I have is with money. I NEVER feel I have enough. And he linked it to my feelings of abandonment as a child and how I feel I need to have money so I will survive should I be 'abandoned' again. I am also fiercely independent for that same reason. I was meant to take redundancy and stay at home for a bit but I just couldn't do without my own money so I am now working PT and earning peanuts compared to my DH but I love having my own money. I also am one of the weird women who do not have a joint account with my DH as I cannot give up that control. And my psychotherapist is right, I can have £1,000 in my bank or £10,000 or £100,000, I will never have enough. Not because I want to spend it all, but because knowing I have X amount of money makes me feel safe.

When DH and I met, we were earning £18k each as interns (this is London BTW!). Our combined income is now a few times that and we are very comfortable. DS1 has started school and even though we started him at a private school (as there were no school places for him locally), we took him out of there straightaway when a local school place came up as it was what we wanted for him (local friends etc). We have a nice home and do nice things but I NEVER feel comfortable with the amount of money we have. I always worry about spending the money. It's crazy but I do recognise it's a psychological issue and I try hard to deal with it. I did the same amount of worrying when we were on intern wage, which just goes to show...

And trust me, I know how lucky we are. My boys are healthy and happy. Like I said, we don't worry about food. We are not extravagant but we also have the freedom to book a holiday if we wanted etc. We are for the most part, happy and contented. It doesn't make my worry about money (however unjustified) any less real though... And I try every day to live in the moment a bit more and not worry so much! I think you need to try and dig deep and find out where those feelings originate from so you can try to deal with them. Best of luck!

[noddyholder]

Yes laqueen that is why you do not need that coat because the longing will be much better for you than the purchase and owning it

[whoovian]

Catchingmockingbirds - He wasn't earning that amount when I married him - I was the major earner for the early part of our marriage.

I gave up the my professional income because the kids needed someone at home - something I don't regret but I am very pleased to be back at work now.

[whoovian]

Thanks for your story Angel1976 - my attitude to money is not something I have considered much before but this thread has given me lots to think about.

I am glad that your story has worked out well given your beginning.

[angel1976]

whoovian I have hesitated to share my story as I know most people will find it hard to feel 'sorry' for me and it's really not a 'woe is me' type of story. I was very lucky to have met the psychotherapist at that stage of my life when I badly needed perspective/guidance in and on my life. He has given me skills and a lot of self-awareness I would not have had at this age if I had not met him 18 years ago! But I still struggle with the relationship I have with money and what it represents to me on an every day basis (I check my online balance every day on my mobile, it's as if it gives me a sense of 'everything's okay' because I still have X amount in my back). I am a very generous person too, just not to myself. I will happily spend £££ on the husband and kids but debate over and over again in my head if I should buy a £12 dress at TK Maxx the other day! I try every day to try and live in the moment and be happy cos I know I have a lot to be grateful for. But it's not always that easy and straightforward as having XXX amount of money in the bank. I really wish you all the best. :)

[PacificDogwood]

whoovian, you do sound insightful and keen to address your discontent, so I'd v much second Aitch's suggestion of considering some kind of talking therapy. Seems to have been v useful to angel .

Re 'I did not expect to have to budget at this level of income': I bet Richard Branson budgets . At a very generous level, but I bet he does. He'll know were every penny is and what it's doing at any given time. And so do lots of Very Rich People. Or their Almost As Rich accountants .

I am glad you got something from this thread. I think you were brave to start it and to stick with it. I suspect you are a resilient and resourceful person - use these abilities to get some enjoyment out of all you have achieved in life.

[Arisbottle]

I am also impressed the OP has returned and posted without feeling the need to snipe back at many of the comments on here. She is a better woman than me.

I have had to learn to budget, when I earned my first wage I spent most of it in an afternoon. I just went mad, in the early days of our marriage DH was constantly having to ask me to calm down. It was something I was never taught and I was also very unrealistic about the amount of money that I was actually earning and how far it would go.

[Daisy1977]

Hmm husband and I earn £200k less than you and I feel we are well off, compared to others. You say your husband earns ... But what do you earn? I am not just talking financial, money isn't key to feelings of well being in my opinion. Maybe you could find something to occupy your day by giving something back to others, volunteering with some truly disadvantaged? Having seen people who are having to choose between heat and food I find your comments quite offensive and self absorbed.

[Lueji]

Everyone has to budget.

Look what happened to Sarah Ferguson or Michael Jackson, for example.

You have to know where you spend your money on, and make sure there's something left, particularly that can be used for emergencies or costly events.
It could be something that's not covered by insurance.

There is no limit to the level of dissatisfaction.
Eventually because you can't afford to buy that Pacific Island, for example.

Being satisfied or not can be the difference between happy and unhappy people.
Not money.
Some people will be happy no matter what. Others will be miserable regardless (eg. my exMIL).

[HenryCrun]

Hopefully this will be the 749th post, which is propitious, because 749 divided by 7 is 107. If it is not, then there is a likelihood that it will be the 750th post, which is even better, because 750 is three one-thousandths of £250,000.

[Abitwobblynow]

Laqueen, funnily enough your friend is showing her humanity. We all need to know that we are making a difference to the world, and her dissatisfaction is telling her she is worth more than this.

I hope she finds a great project that really makes a difference, like mentoring inner city kids, or some activism that she is passionate about.

[SirCliffRichardSucksEggsInHell]

750! Woo hoo.

I think I'm poorer than my parents, despite both of us working and she had 6 kids to feed, I only have 2. Wages just aren't high enough to pay the bills these days. Everything has gone up but our salaries haven't. Dh took a major pay cut 3 years ago (either that or be made redundant) and we're still paying the price for that. He's applied for countless other jobs but hasn't even had a reply to his applications.
I work for myself after around 6 months of filling in applications for jobs I was qualified to do and not hearing a dickie bird. So I started to work for myself but progress is slow and I'm constantly being asked to work harder for less money, which I do because that's better than the client going elsewhere and me losing work.

I wonder if my kids will look back at their childhoods with as much resentment as people here that they didn't have enough? I'd like to think they were happy and we provided for them but judging by some of these posts, they may well end up completely dissatisfied when they are older.

You can't win can you?