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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if there is any truth to "middle-child sydrome"?

107 replies

FromHereToNextTuesday · 05/01/2013 22:48

I'm having my third child, and am hearing more and more of the problems facing a middle child. Am I really exposing the 2nd to a lifetime of disadvantages by giving her a a younger sibling? Really??

OP posts:

sausagesandwich34 · 05/01/2013 22:49

what sex is DC1?

makes a difference IMO

Original poster

FromHereToNextTuesday · 05/01/2013 22:52

*syndrome, obviously.

DC1 is a boy.

OP posts:

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 05/01/2013 22:55

I am middle child.
I have only 2 DC .

The only advantages being a middle child has given me is:
I can compromise. Because you have to.
I can cook. Because my older Dsis used to disappear to the bedroom (we shared) and my younger DBro got sent outside to play "because he'll just play about".

And my mum was only too keen to foist off delegate any housework to any willing or unwilling volunteer (ie me)

gimmecakeandcandy · 05/01/2013 22:55

I hear a lot of friends who are in a family of three that it was one against two etc so maybe you just need to keep an eye on things? Do you have one of each now? If so, there may be issues with the children who are of the same gender.

BestIsWest · 05/01/2013 22:57

Not necessarily. DM is a middle child (Older brother, younger sister who was very sick as a child). She is the most well adjusted, evenly balanced, considerate person I know. Very soothing, always the peacekeeper. She says it comes from being the middle child and sorting out the family battles.Having to fight to be heard as the middle child has also made her quite outspoken and a true campaigner against injustice.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 05/01/2013 22:57

The book on epigenetics I am currently reading says, "no". No effects found in decent, recent research. IM unscientific O it is seen in families where it goes...girl...5 years... girl...9 months...boy. Like the second girl wasn't wanted and the boy was (or vice versa).

gordyslovesheep · 05/01/2013 22:58

oh my middle one is lovely - her big sister is uber competitive and a bit of a bossy cow - DD3 is the baby Diva - DD2 is chilled and a bit mad but actually very loving and funny - hopefully she wont grow up to be a crazy cat lady or anything!

*NB I love all 3 equally and unequivocally - they are all wonderful - but number 2 is closest to me in many ways

vjg13 · 05/01/2013 22:59

I am a middle child and would happily have had 3 children if my circumstances had been different.

missmatched · 05/01/2013 23:01

I think it does,I felt/feel generally unloved sometimes growing up and now.My sisters always have a fuss made of them on thier birthdays mine passes by quietly.I would say though I am very independent because of this and I sometimes wonder if I made more of an issue of needing my parents would I still feel this way.but I feel its to late now so I will just get on with it alone (well with my family I created myself).

tiffinbaker · 05/01/2013 23:02

It does make a difference yes - I think it can be stronger in families where there are 3 the same gender. e.g. - eldest one is the "brainbox", little one is the good looking one - middle one not as brainy as eldest, not as good looking as littlest, struggles to find an identity and various issues that spring from that. It's avoidable though - make sure that each DC has 1:1 parent time sometimes and gets praise and encouragement as an individual not just as one-of-three.

NotAnotherPackedLunch · 05/01/2013 23:02

Like 70isaLimit I am the middle of 3 and have chosen to have 2DC.

sausagesandwich34 · 05/01/2013 23:05

I'm middle

we go girl, girl, boy

I always felt totally sidelined like I didn't matter

I obviously don't think it was intentional but it was definitely how it felt

as a result I'm a pleaser and try to be peace maker
I've really struggled with adult relationships because of that

it could of happened if I was one of 2, I've no way of knowing but I made a choice to stop at 2

I do think the order of the dcs is important though and if I had an older brother rather than sister I think things would have been very different

MerylStrop · 05/01/2013 23:05

DD is a middle child between 2 boys.

She is definitely the most highly strung of the 3, and I sometimes sense there is something about needing to assert her position in the family through being high maintenance. She is also a very happy child and is always laughing.

But I would say that DS2 has been the most brilliant thing for her. They adore each other and play together all the time when she is not at school.

So, I suppose, in answer to your question, I am not sure.

MrsKeithRichards · 05/01/2013 23:10

Gordy That's how it worked with my sisters and I. Three of us, my big sister is a bossy mare, middle is placid, eager to please and very thoughtful and generally perfectly lovely, I'm a foot stamping diva.

Overthehillmum · 05/01/2013 23:12

I was one of 5 children but the second youngest, between two sisters, i certainly feel like tiffin said, my eldest sister was the clever one, my youngest sister was the cute baby one, i was pretty much ignored, sometimes referred to as the difficult moody one. But i do think it is down to the parenting, out off all of us i have been the most successful, but in family gatherings i am still seen as a bit different, but i think that is because i have never needed any of my families validation, i have my own friends and my own life, but they rely on me to swan in and fix anything that goes wrong!! Funnily enough, i chose to have only two children, but both feel the other is the favoured child!!

gordyslovesheep · 05/01/2013 23:14

I am the baby of 2 - also a foot stamping diva MrsK - I think that's a youngest child thing

Happypiglet · 05/01/2013 23:15

I have three (very close in age) and it goes boy, boy, girl. DS2 is fabulous, bright, funny and certainly a peace keeper. He is a good loser (which helps with his uber competitive siblings) and a great negotiator and can talk his siblings round better than me! He adores his little sister and remains close to his big bro. They are both much much higher maintenance than him. I refer to him as the jam in our sandwich which he adores. I truly hope I never overlook him. And that he feels as special to me as they all are. Just go for it!

wannabedreams · 05/01/2013 23:20

My middle child who is now six has been an amazing big sister and she was actually a bit difficult before her baby sister was born, I think she is happier now and has more purpose, I don't think she liked being the youngest and we focus more on her being 'a big sister' now than on the fact she is now a 'middle child'.

Utterlylostandneedtogo · 05/01/2013 23:21

My mum would tell you there is but then again my mum is the woman who sat and told a total stranger (to her) whilst discussing the possibility of me adding to my brood

"I really fell in love with my first ( my sister) she was the perfect baby, beautiful, charming, kind natured, everything. I knew i had to have another. Then I had my second (me) and it was the worst experience of my life. I had the demon child, everything about her was hard work, it still is, nothing about her was enjoyable. I knew then I would need another (my brother) to make amends to myself and prove that it wasn't me that was at fault and I was lucky to be blessed with a second perfect child"

My mum is a cunt.

gordyslovesheep · 05/01/2013 23:22

I tell dd2 she is special as she is the only one who is both younger and older sister - she rolls her eyes I am so stealing the 'jam in the sandwich' line!

gordyslovesheep · 05/01/2013 23:22

ph and Utterly :( that is horrible x

dizzydixies · 05/01/2013 23:23

Oh god I have 3DDs and its exactly like mentioned above. DD1 no problem, excellent at school and DD3 the pretty princess diva strop. DD2 desperately wants to be a boy and won't wear girls clothing etc - has been this way since she was 3 She is kind, funny, loving and has the biggest heart of all of them. I tell her how happy she makes me every single day and how proud of her I am. I have no clue how to avoid 'middle child syndrome' but my god they'll all know how loved they are!

Utterlylostandneedtogo · 05/01/2013 23:24

Sums her up really. I had a lot of health problems as a baby and was in and out of hospital until I was about 3 and I paid the price for tearing her away from her precious first born ever since

gordyslovesheep · 05/01/2013 23:26

Oh I hope none of my girls ever hear me say such spiteful things Utterly I am sorry she was so cruel

Dizzy My middle one says she is a 'tom boy' and plays football as gets muddy - she is my little odd ball and has a wicked sense of humour

Utterlylostandneedtogo · 05/01/2013 23:29

Thanks gordy you don't sound like the same type of parent so I doubt your dcs will ever hear you say such things. Just wish shed have the balls to apologise herself!

But yeah. Ask my mum and shell tell you middle child syndrome exists...he'll even I'd say it exists if you're the unfortunate middle child brought up by my mother!

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