To ask if there is any truth to "middle-child sydrome"?

[FromHereToNextTuesday]

I'm having my third child, and am hearing more and more of the problems facing a middle child. Am I really exposing the 2nd to a lifetime of disadvantages by giving her a a younger sibling? Really??

I think there is - I have 3 under 5 and tbh, I am thinking of having another specifically for this reason.

DH had 3 in his first marriage and I dont know if its down to middle child syndrome, but his middle one is your worst nightmare come true.

I was middle of three girls. My older sister was the clever one, I was the quiet one and younger sister was the funny one, according to my mum. Both my sisters were tom boys and bullied the shit out of me. Any chores fell to me as big sister was studying and little sister was too young. Even now, we are all in our forties, my mum will take older sisters veiw on things and disreguard mine and she is forever bailing younger sister out financially.

I have two children . I am long over it but it makes DH mad that I am obviously the least favourite. Both my DSs think they are my favourite and they are.

"both my DSs think they're my favourite and they are."

Love that jelly, it's what I aspire to, but am conscious that DD (eldest, actually) tends to get told to get on with it too often as DS2 had heart problems and now autism, so has been alot to deal with. She has started becoming a foot-stomping diva to get attention, so I know I need to nip it in the bud.

I'm eldest of 5 and rather than being golden child would say that I was more left to get on with things/ignored (had my head in a book the whole time so I guess it was path of least resistance as involving me would have been hard work); also had to do alot if childcare etc esp for the youngest one, as he's 14 years younger. I would say in our family both me ad next down DB split the elder child role, but don't think the middle ones suffered from middle child syndrome particularly - DB2 scapegoated a bit; DB3 if anything is the foot-stomping youngest; DB4 was again quite ignored as parents a bit fed up of parenting by that point - I would say I and DB1 did more of the parenting!

So, in my family I don't think there was such a thing as middle child syndrome as such, but definitely parenting issues that could have been avoided.

FWIW I have 3 DC - would have loved to have had another but DH (one of two) felt three enough; glad now I didn't have a fourth though as DS2 alot of work so the fourth wouldn't have had enough attention.

Apologies if this has already been covered (in bed with flu so skim-read) but what if the middle child is a different sex?

We have girl boy girl, so our ds does not get overlooked. He is calm, generous and funny but fights like mad with his older sister. Him and dd2 are good friends.

However, I totally get what another poster says about other family members labelling them. According to the GPs dd1 is the clever one (even though the other 2 are just as bright), ds sporty and dd2 the pretty one . The last one particularly annoys me.

Sorry if rambling. . .feel like crap

Killed the thread with my germs

Loquace. Do you think we should look around as as well as listen to science.
And do you agree that some science can be flawed?
And do you have children yourself?

Loquace. Do you think we should look around as as well as listen to science

Not the extent that we fail to look at the result of gobs of research at all, cherry pick the results that support our belief (resolutely ignoring the bulk that doesn't), and give far, far greater credence to what we "feel" to be true and anecdote.

And do you agree that some science can be flawed?

Scientists are human and therefore flawed. Scientists make flawed hypothesis. Scientists can fail to create quality studies that allow for their bias or confounding factors. Scientists can be blinded by bias and conveniently ignore that correlation is not causation. Scientists can even look at data and write an abstract/conclusion that is directly contradicted by their results. They can also hide the studies that didn't get the answer they were looking for and just keep going, tweaking their study till it spits out what they want to see, and publish just that one.

That is why there is peer review and why they look at a whole group of studies that ask the same question to see what the entire body of work produces. In the case of "birth order" hypothesises was put forward. Much of the work done by people who had some bias towards finding a positive result. Yet the body of work relating to said "syndromes" has failed to confirm that hypothesis as valid.

Yes science is flawed because scientists are people, but is it as flawed and unreliable as anecdote, cod science, "common sense" and pop psychology?

No, not by a long chalk. At the very least thanks to the reality that science has some checks and balances , and is prepared to change it's mind in light of new information and data. Unlike "anecdote" based beliefs that are almost iron clad resistant to any change.

And do you have children yourself?

Yes.

My daughter is the middle child between 2 boys. She is by far the most confident and go-getting of my 3, (although they are all very clever)...but she can be little madam when she wants. She is 16 ,not old enough to do the things her 20 year old brother can but old enough to boss her 12 year old brother about. (He gets the worst deal out of the lot). She thinks I don't parent well...ie I stand up too much for the younger one, and let the older one have his own way too much, when in reality, she gets the best of all worlds.

Glad you wrote that about science. One of my sons is a researcher.

I'm the eldest of 4, G, B, B, G. I suspect gender might make a difference but not as much as parenting. DB1 and I are both 'eldest children' academic and awkward and demanding', DB2 is probably the most classic laid back middle child and everyone's favourite, BSis is no longer the 'baby' but was for a long time.

DH was the youngest of three, B, G, B and I think being a different sex helps distinguish a middle child. His sister is adored by her Dad and is definitely not ignored (I'd say DH suffers more from that).

We have three G, G, B. DS is only a few months old but at 3 DD2 is delightful. We always wanted three so hopefully she won't feel forgotten.

i suppose its how u spend your time between the 3 ie trying to spend the same amount of time with all 3 and making them all feel special in their own ways .I am a middle child of 3 girls and never felt left out but i have other issues with my upbringing (or lack of really lol) I myself have 3 kids boy/boy/girl but my middle child is a twin, ds1 is 10 and ds2/dd are 7 the boys will happily play fight together whilst dd does her own thing or ds2 and dd will play whilst ds1 does his own thing ds1 and dd hardly ever play together but i think its an age/gender thing as they all seem to get on most days ds2 is the easiest chilled out kid i know dd can be a madam when she wants to be and ds1 has his moments too so in my case ds2 is my easiest child compared with the other 2

I'm the middle of three, and we are definitely only having two DC, in part because of that. We are G, G, B which is probably the worst combination. Mind you, things like having to be the peacemaker (then and now) can become useful skills in adulthood, so it's not all bad

I suppose parents can create a middle child syndrome by typecasting their kids, and other parent ways of affecting dynamics.

I don't believe it's inherent to being in the middle. I don't see any such pattern in DC.

I'm a middle child and I think it has had an effect in me. I'm between 2 boys.
Older brother is 'golden child' who can do no wrong despite always getting in bother growing up. Even now I feel he gets let off the hook too early. There is a 2 year age difference between us but we do get on well.

Younger brother is the good looking witty popular one that everyone loves. There is 9 years age gap between us so I was expected to look after him a lot. We are very close.

I'm the independent confident one. I'm very sensitive and need lots of reassurance. I'm just like my dad and have always felt closer to him than my mum. I always felt that I was overlooked when growing up. There are very few photos of me as a baby but lots of the first child and the miracle youngest child. I wasn't planned - they where.

I don't think it did me too much harm. I'm theist settled and well rounded out of the 3 of us.

It also depends on the personality genes that each child has.
!st born B - very intelligent but contrary/ fearless, non-competitive and laid back
2nd born G - timid, shy, fearful.
3rd born G - diva, show off, strong willed, competitive, fearless.

I was the one in the middle !!

There is no truth to middle child syndrome in my family. I have 3 DS with 2 year age gaps between each. All 3 with completely different qualities and personalities.

What would happen in a family with 4 DC would they have 2 with middle child syndrome? Or in a family of 2 DC would one get more attention that the other? I think its all down to the parenting and making sure each child has equal amounts of time and attention and not having 'favourites'

My heart goes out to you utterly because thats what happened to me. I was/am DD2 out of 3 girls, and was in and out of hospital for a while too as a baby, and was constantly reminded of the hardship my mother went through to take me to hospital and back, even though the hospital was only a mile away.

I was made to feel I was different to the other 2 , and still have problems forming friendships/relationships ever since, apart from my husband who understands me, but he is a second born (not middle child) so not sure if this is linked in any way.

I am the middle child of g g b apparently the worst combo?
I feel the luckiest in my family I have always had a great relationship with my brother & sister whereas they have often fallen out, me & my dad also have a great bond, I never felt unloved or sidelined but I do compromise a lot & am a major people pleaser

I have 3 kids will possibly have another but I would happily stop at 3, I just think it us so much more to do with how you parent & the personalities within the family

Oh dear. Thank you all for replies, much food for thought here.

I do think in general birth order matters. I am a typical oldest, married to a typical oldest and it is scary how similar DS is to us. We are all unwavering and control freaks, but DD is already so different. She is so laid back and chirpy. I suppose I don't want to ruin her.

utterly I can't believe how vile your mother's words were.

Any tips on helping to neutralise the effects of birth order?

Any tips on helping to neutralise the effects of birth order?

Well if stopping believing in it doesn't work for you, maybe try believing in a version with a more postive slant?

Nelson Mandela was a middle child. And Ab. Lincon, JF Kennedy. Plus The Dalai Lama. Madonna for those who value performing arts.

Nelson Mandela and Madonna both have several or many siblings as far as I am aware.
Thinking about it, so does JFK.

Nelson Mandela and Madonna both have several or many siblings as far as I am aware.

Hey, I never said the book in question was accurate and the people touting the theory on the money. Just as an alternative to a woman worried she is going to "ruin her child", perhaps believing in an optimistic unproven therory is better than an umproven doom filled one?