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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how sex can be "unnatural"? TMI alert

142 replies

PepsiCoco · 05/01/2013 00:44

Been with DP just over 12 months, we only ever have sex in the missionary position. I have tried to instigate other things but he somehow manages to veto them.
Normally I sleep in his arms but last night I wanted more space and turned over to sleep. DP snuggled in to the back of me and used this as a perfect opportunity to take control and put DPs thing in from behind. It wasn't going particularly well but DP didn't move away. But just as it seemed to be getting in the right place DC woke up and needed tending to.
When I returned, DP got on top as usual and said "this is better, that other way was unnatural" Confused

OP posts:
Stonefield · 05/01/2013 01:42

Hmm, think she left him because she was bored and no doubt started having wild crazy sex with someone new.

Original poster
PepsiCoco · 05/01/2013 01:42

Hes quite affectionate in other ways. Likes to snuggle and watch a film. Likes a good snog but as soon as I go to touch him he sees it as a green light as I am instigating sex and starts stripping off and climbing on top. Despite me laughing and saying "do you think of anything else?" "its not all about sex". He seems to think touching = missionary sex = end result.

OP posts:
Stonefield · 05/01/2013 01:44

No need to shout Casanama, OP is trying to make a change.

SinisterBuggyMonth · 05/01/2013 01:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PepsiCoco · 05/01/2013 01:44

I can't tell him "its not working for me" he'd be gutted and most likely go in to his shell more.

OP posts:
showtunesgirl · 05/01/2013 01:45

Then OP, you'll have to resign yourself to crap sex forever if you don't tell him.

Original poster
PepsiCoco · 05/01/2013 01:46

Lots of people don't like oral though it concerns me that it indicates he's not that interested in pleasing me.

OP posts:
thornrose · 05/01/2013 01:47

So tell him you have a treat for him and want to blow his mind?!

thornrose · 05/01/2013 01:48

I think it suggests a fear of "losing control" rather than not pleasing you.

Original poster
PepsiCoco · 05/01/2013 01:48

He's lovely in other ways.
Just not driven by sex but enjoys it at the time, if only I can open his eyes to try other things. Surely he sees other things on telly or in the media? and wonders what they are like?

OP posts:
SinisterBuggyMonth · 05/01/2013 01:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PepsiCoco · 05/01/2013 01:49

What treat though?

OP posts:
Casmama · 05/01/2013 01:49

I know she is, I just think this softly softly approach may leave her still wondering in six months what she can o to improve this. It may well be that he lacks confidence to do anything other than missionary and OP taking a grip of the situation, if you'll excuse the pun, may be the best thing she ever does.

thornrose · 05/01/2013 01:51

Ask him to lie back and let you spoil him. Give him a massage with lots of oil then just jump on Grin

Casmama · 05/01/2013 01:53

OP that's why I suggested you tell him it's not working for you tonight- not a major issue, let's be spontaneous and try something else. If you feel the need fake it occasionally in other positions to encourage experimentation but try to stop faking it completely.

Original poster
PepsiCoco · 05/01/2013 01:53

Grin that made me laugh!

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 05/01/2013 01:55

I think maybe you're giving him mixed signals by acting coy, and pretending to orgasm, what's that about?

Some people are just not sensual beings either.

Stonefield · 05/01/2013 01:55

I agree OP that if he's not willing to consider oral then he's not committed to pleasing you. You've just got to lay it on the line. If he carries on, thinking that more speed = you coming then tell him to get off so you can finish yourself off, make him watch, maybe he'll learn something.

thornrose · 05/01/2013 01:58

Pepsi, I'm off to bed now, sadly alone, seriously I hope you can find a way to express your needs, all the best.

Original poster
PepsiCoco · 05/01/2013 02:00

Thankyou, I will update!
Best get to sleep myself. Didn't realise the time. Night all!

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 05/01/2013 12:10

Every time you fake it OP you are reinforcing his weird fixation on missionary. It's as much your fault as his.
I think you should be brave and read out this thread to him so that he can realise he must change his behaviour if you are to stay together.

showtunesgirl · 05/01/2013 12:21

I agree that you have to be honest with him but I think that letting him read this thread would IMO tip him over the edge. This is a man who won't entertain the thought of any other position rather than missionary. Now imagine his response that you've told the whole of cyberspace this!

Original poster
PepsiCoco · 05/01/2013 13:32

I won't be reading this out. He would end it. He is a very private person. Too private that is half the problem.

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 05/01/2013 15:45

I do understand your reluctance. It's natural. But you can only solve the problem by being open with him. Otherwise you are going to carry on the same way forever. His ex lived with him like this for 20 years.

girlynut · 05/01/2013 16:45

You need to lay it on the line for him, not make subtle hints and suggestions. He's brushed all your previous hints aside. I'd suggest an honest chat about how you're feeling about your sex life, with the emphasis on how it makes you feel, rather than blaming him for being so repressed.

If he then makes some changes and tries out some new things, all well and good.

If he doesn't, that speaks volumes about how much your happiness means to him.

FWIW, I have a similar partner. Very disinterested in anything other than getting to "the end" and very boring. Happy to receive but not give and won't consider going down on me as that's "too near the bumhole"!! I bought him a book called She Comes First which he discarded. Suggested counselling which he refused. So now we don't have sex. And I'll probably leave if someone better comes along. Sad