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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how sex can be "unnatural"? TMI alert

142 replies

PepsiCoco · 05/01/2013 00:44

Been with DP just over 12 months, we only ever have sex in the missionary position. I have tried to instigate other things but he somehow manages to veto them.
Normally I sleep in his arms but last night I wanted more space and turned over to sleep. DP snuggled in to the back of me and used this as a perfect opportunity to take control and put DPs thing in from behind. It wasn't going particularly well but DP didn't move away. But just as it seemed to be getting in the right place DC woke up and needed tending to.
When I returned, DP got on top as usual and said "this is better, that other way was unnatural" Confused

OP posts:
cynner · 05/01/2013 01:20

Damn it...I have already been flamed tonight..
OP, I know finding the right words can be difficult in the sex arena (I could speak sex all night, money is my fright inducer..)
Maybe think of sentences that will get your needs met in a non threatening way..

Casmama · 05/01/2013 01:21

Some people don't respond we'll to hints. When he begs you to come that's when you tell him you want to change position of not before.

WeAreEternal · 05/01/2013 01:22

My mum always used to say to me "if you can't have an adult discussion about sex with your partner, taking about anything from contraception to what positions you would enjoy, then you shouldn't be having sex with that person in the first place"

I know that it is a statement aimed at teenage me but for some reason reading your posts it just jumped into my mind.

You really should be able to talk about this with your DP, I don't think just trying to initiate a new position is enough, I really think you need to figure out why he finds missionary the only acceptable position for sex.

And your faking enjoyment has probably not helped the problem, if he is convinced anything other than mitionary is unnatural then your faking it will only have cemented on his mind that mitionary is good and fine and enjoyable.

thornrose · 05/01/2013 01:24

Feel free not to answer but does he like/allow oral sex (giving or receiving)

InNeedOfBrandy · 05/01/2013 01:24

I completely understand you faking it op, I would of to just to get him off me Grin

Again tell it to him straight and give loads of appreciation when he does something new.

cynner · 05/01/2013 01:25

^what WE said^
I actually may borrow your very smart mum's words to use with my teenage daughter...

Sunnywithshowers · 05/01/2013 01:29

Pepsi, the comment about consent was more about the fact that you hadn't explicitly consented, not that your DP hadn't. Did you mind that he was sticking his penis into you when you wanted to go to sleep?

Original poster
PepsiCoco · 05/01/2013 01:29

I played coy and said I have no idea how to please myself you will have to show me. To which he replied well I'm hardly going to have experience of making a woman come using a toy am I?
I said I don't see why not. He looked confused.

OP posts:
auburntrees · 05/01/2013 01:30

possibly a fantasy night? What he would enjoy, what you might enjoy? Very gently introduced? One of my favourite sayings is 'if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got'.

Maybe just a gentle step at a time, no pressure, just something very subtle. But do talk to him.

thornrose · 05/01/2013 01:30

I read it that OP used the opportunity to guide her dp's penis into her!

Stonefield · 05/01/2013 01:31

Oh my god! He really needs to listen to you. Start making him work for it, if he genuinely cares about whether you come or not then he should be willing to try something new.
How about asking him about his fantasies and then telling him yours, women are always more imaginative than men, maybe you can open his eyes.

Original poster
PepsiCoco · 05/01/2013 01:32

I have given it him once but he looked very uncomfortable and he would never do it back.

OP posts:
Original poster
PepsiCoco · 05/01/2013 01:33

Thorn well put

OP posts:
showtunesgirl · 05/01/2013 01:34

OP, never, ever fake anything during sex. It's absolutely pointless.

It does sound like there are some underlying issues here.

thornrose · 05/01/2013 01:34

Pepsi, someone asked up thread, do you know much about his previous partners/experiences?

Original poster
PepsiCoco · 05/01/2013 01:35

Stone I have tried and just got "dont know" reply but I will try again and maybe think of one of my own that won't scare him.

OP posts:
Original poster
PepsiCoco · 05/01/2013 01:35

He was married for 20 yrs, single for 5.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 05/01/2013 01:36

How much do you know about his past and do you think he could have had a bad relationship?

An abusive relationship perhaps or just a strange one?

showtunesgirl · 05/01/2013 01:36

Jeez, imagine married to someone for 20 years and they only want to try it one way! Shock

Do you know what happened with his marriage?

Stonefield · 05/01/2013 01:37

Can I ask what sort of man he is? How does he relax? Is he affectionate? Is he talkative about other things?

WorraLiberty · 05/01/2013 01:37

X post

Do you know much about his 20yr marriage?

Perhaps he's bottling something up?

InNeedOfBrandy · 05/01/2013 01:39

This would be a deal breaker eventually for me OP. The thought of crap having to fake it to get him off me sex for the rest of my life would fill me with horror.

You really need to talk to him.

Original poster
PepsiCoco · 05/01/2013 01:39

She was a SAHM and then got a job and left him for a colleague. Don't know much more than that.

OP posts:
thornrose · 05/01/2013 01:40

It sounds like he has lost confidence and has become afraid to try new things. After a 20 year marriage it had probably become quite routine. Are you a lot younger than him?

Casmama · 05/01/2013 01:41

DO NOT BE COY. Apologies for shouting but not you see that your lack of assertiveness and playing he little inexperienced woman who fakes it and coyly hands over books suggesting you might learn something is in large part responsible for this situation?
TELL HIM that what you are doing is not working for you and you want to try something else. Parts of this thread sound like you talk to him like you would someone you met at a bus stop not someone you are intimate with.
You are both responsible for your sex life life so take some action and dear god please don't refer to it as his "thing".

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