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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take my children to Australia?

255 replies

Andro · 04/01/2013 19:48

I never thought I'd say this, but I really need the views of someone not connected to my situation.

Background: My DH and I are the adoptive parents of his sister's children (DS 9 and DD 5), we took them on after their parents were killed in a accident and the adoption was finalised just over a year ago. I couldn't love them more!

Problem: My in-laws live in Australia and are demanding that we take our DC to visit in the summer holidays, I've said no and now we are heading for war.

DS has a serious phobia of flying; not long before is DP died they were on a flight that had to make an emergency landing, he was bumped around pretty badly and he now has some serious problems. We didn't realise how bad his fear was (I don't think he knew either tbh) until we tried to take a flight to Ireland, the panic attack he had was so bad he had to be taken to hospital by ambulance, sedated until his vital signs stabilized and spent a few days there for observation. DS is now having treatment for his phobia, he is making progress but it's slow going and his therapist agrees that any flight right now would be counter-productive. My in-laws know all this, it has been explained to them in detail and both have acknowledged that over 24h of flight time for a phobic child is, and I quote "less than ideal".

Let battle commence: They have suggested that I should drug DS for the duration of the journey...I just about hit the roof! I have no problem with an adult choosing to take medication in order to travel, but to suggest I do that to a child? I don't even know if a doctor would agree to but in truth I don't care! My DH is in a lousy situation, he really wants to support me but is being emotionally blackmailed by his parents. I feel sorry for him really because his Mother really does know which buttons to press. She had tried everything from 'we haven't seen them since the funeral and we miss them terribly, we might not see them again if you don't bring them over' to 'it's not as if they're her (my) blood family, why should she have any say?' and just about everything in-between. DH is trying to hold strong but his Mother is getting to him and it's causing some heated discussions between us.

Summary: AIBU to refuse to consider drugging my DS in order to take him on a long haul flight?

(sorry for the mammoth post)

OP posts:
MiraWard · 05/01/2013 20:46

Astley, normally in the UK - you would nominate guardians for your children until the age of 18. You can choose if they would also manage the finances, or if you would prefer a 3rd party to do it.

Astley · 05/01/2013 20:50

Can I state that I wouldn't want them to be adopted? I do not want their surnames to be changed and if it were DH's sister adoptng it would mean my family were no longer legally related to be children which is totally unacceptable to me!

Astley · 05/01/2013 20:51

To my children, not be children Hmm

DontmindifIdo · 05/01/2013 20:52

Your PIL don't really give a shit about seeing your DS &DD or they would snatch your hand off at the compromise of using your parent's holiday home - they want to win. That isn't a caring mentality for the DCs. At best, you could say your MIL is still grieving for her DD and in her grief she isn't seeing what she's asking is making her DGS suffer to slightly reduce her suffering, however understandable that is, it still doesn't mean that her grief is your priority, your DS's mental health is your priority.

Maryz · 05/01/2013 20:54

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Astley · 05/01/2013 20:59

I guess I'd never really considered it might happen! DH and I have planned for our joint deaths and who would have them. I had, possible naively, assumed they would be happy enough to be their guardians and their Aunt and Uncle and would not actually want to adopt my children and become their Mummy and Daddy. I also hoped that they would have the respect for us, if we were dead, to not legally adopt our children.... But now I wonder if I should make that extra clear to them? Hmm

Maryz · 05/01/2013 21:00

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MrsDeVere · 05/01/2013 21:00

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Astley · 05/01/2013 21:05

Thanks Maryz and MrsDeVere. It's such an emotional topic. It's just that feeling that you didn't give them up, you died! Of course I would want my DC to be happy and loved, but I do think our siblings love them already so I hope it could be less final than adoption.

Original poster
Andro · 05/01/2013 21:07

Can I clear a few things up here?

We went through the adoption process because my DH's Dsis and her husband were very clear that if anything ever happened to them, it would be their preference for us to adopt. Her husband's family were in agreement with that because they thought it would give the children a greater sense of security - they did want to maintain regular contact though...understandable and I really wouldn't have expected anything else. This is a subject that had been discussed at length for several reasons (mostly to do with BiL's family) but the wishes were discussed with my PiL before being put into writing.

At no time did I ask, suggest or actively encourage DC to address me as anything other than Auntie. DS came to me, they use a different set of titles than they did with their mum and dad...I did as I was advised and let the children take the lead with what they felt the most comfortable with. I am in no way a replacement.

The accident was over 2 years ago - this is the first time there has been a problem with respect to the children.

OP posts:
EchoBitch · 05/01/2013 21:23

Gosh they were lucky children to have you and you were so lucky to get it all sorted so quickly,especially when the DC would have been so traumatised at losing their parents.

ThereGoesTheYear · 05/01/2013 21:24

FWIW if I died I'd hate my DCs not to have a mummy. I would actively want to be replaced. Especially if they were very young.
OP I think your children have chosen a very clever and sensitive solution in calling you and your DH new names for mother and father.

DamnBamboo · 05/01/2013 21:26

OP you sound like a good person and an amazing mother.
Unmumsnetty hugs to you

MrsDeVere · 05/01/2013 21:30

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EleanorCuntBucket · 05/01/2013 21:34

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clam · 05/01/2013 21:39

Can we stop with the sarcasm please?

ILoveSaladReallyIDo · 05/01/2013 21:45

huh EleanorCuntBucket? DH and I set out our wishes for our DCs, both in a will and in a letter to the guardians held at our solicitors, when I was still just pregnant with DC1 in our 20s! we have added amendments since then. We were/are fit and well and have no intention of popping our clogs.

We discussed what we were writing in our wills with family members so they all understand what's in there.

To us its just one of those things you get sorted when expecting a child, will, life insurance, nappies, car seat... tick tick tick tick

gotthemoononastick · 05/01/2013 21:49

everything miraward said.All mothers of a daughter, try and put yourselves in the shoes....

MrsSchadenfreude · 05/01/2013 21:49

We have formally appointed guardians for our delightful children in the event that we croak before our time. Adoption was never mentioned as being a possibility at any point by the solicitor who drew up the papers, and our guardians are the same relation to our children as you and your DH, OP. I wonder now if this is something we should have asked about, but I think we will just stick with the guardians.

notmyproblem · 05/01/2013 21:53

I'm a mother of a daughter... I can only hope the chosen guardian for our child (should something happen to DH and me) is as intelligent, thoughtful, sensitive and frankly amazing as the OP is.

Mira is making a mountain out of her own perceived molehill here.

saffronwblue · 05/01/2013 21:55

I think if you choose who will look after your DC in the event of your death, then you are giving those people the right to make the best decisions as they go. If adoption is the best way forward then that is what they will do. There is no suggestion that the OP's DC's birth parents are not loved, mourned and missed. It is clear that the OP is prepared to stand up for her DC's best interests even in the face of family conflict.
I don't think she opened this thread to have her status as an adoptive parent judged and doubted.

slinkyboo · 05/01/2013 21:59

EleanorCuntBucket Shock are you for real??

EleanorCuntBucket · 05/01/2013 22:02

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McNewPants2013 · 05/01/2013 22:07

I think I better update my will. I would rather the person appointed to have DC in the event of a joint death adopted them.

onedev · 05/01/2013 22:08

Completely agree Saffron.

I also agree with the other poster re getting it all sorted, in writing & agreed with all family as we did that before we had our first & then checked with all involved when we had no 2 & then again after no 3. We have done our best to try to make it all sorted should the worst happen, although we're not planning on going anywhere Grin

I think you sound like you're doing a great job Op - well done & you are definitely not unreasonable to not go to Australia. All the best with everything.