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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to take my children to Australia?

255 replies

Andro · 04/01/2013 19:48

I never thought I'd say this, but I really need the views of someone not connected to my situation.

Background: My DH and I are the adoptive parents of his sister's children (DS 9 and DD 5), we took them on after their parents were killed in a accident and the adoption was finalised just over a year ago. I couldn't love them more!

Problem: My in-laws live in Australia and are demanding that we take our DC to visit in the summer holidays, I've said no and now we are heading for war.

DS has a serious phobia of flying; not long before is DP died they were on a flight that had to make an emergency landing, he was bumped around pretty badly and he now has some serious problems. We didn't realise how bad his fear was (I don't think he knew either tbh) until we tried to take a flight to Ireland, the panic attack he had was so bad he had to be taken to hospital by ambulance, sedated until his vital signs stabilized and spent a few days there for observation. DS is now having treatment for his phobia, he is making progress but it's slow going and his therapist agrees that any flight right now would be counter-productive. My in-laws know all this, it has been explained to them in detail and both have acknowledged that over 24h of flight time for a phobic child is, and I quote "less than ideal".

Let battle commence: They have suggested that I should drug DS for the duration of the journey...I just about hit the roof! I have no problem with an adult choosing to take medication in order to travel, but to suggest I do that to a child? I don't even know if a doctor would agree to but in truth I don't care! My DH is in a lousy situation, he really wants to support me but is being emotionally blackmailed by his parents. I feel sorry for him really because his Mother really does know which buttons to press. She had tried everything from 'we haven't seen them since the funeral and we miss them terribly, we might not see them again if you don't bring them over' to 'it's not as if they're her (my) blood family, why should she have any say?' and just about everything in-between. DH is trying to hold strong but his Mother is getting to him and it's causing some heated discussions between us.

Summary: AIBU to refuse to consider drugging my DS in order to take him on a long haul flight?

(sorry for the mammoth post)

OP posts:

CloudsAndTrees · 05/01/2013 23:07

Do you have suggestions Mira?

I'm not sure what else the OP could do to facilitate the relationship between the children and their grandparents. She has provided access to Skype, is willing to meet the GPs somewhere that won't involve making her ds fly, what else is there?

clam · 05/01/2013 23:09

Like what, mira? Any suggestions, other than those she's already tried? And that don't involve drugging her ds.

NorthernLurker · 05/01/2013 23:10

The OP and her dh are the children's primary caregivers NOT the GPs. If the OP had forced the boy on the plane she would in all probability have damaged her relationship with him and frankly he needs her far more than he needs three weeks with grandparents on the other side of the world.
The gandparents need to make some of the running here - by working out how they - fit and able adults - can travel to see their grandchildren and sons in the UK.

Mira - sorry but you ARE taking this personally. I'm very sorry to read of your loss but your bereavement has nothing to do with the OP's situation.

MsHighwater · 05/01/2013 23:12

Also, Mira, it should not be solely about maintaining a relationship between the dc's and the gp's. It should be solely about what is best for the dc's, and that goes for all the adults. With all due respect to yourself, you know what it was like for you to lose your mother. This situation is different.

TheCatInTheHairnet · 05/01/2013 23:18

Why not suggest that the Grandparents can stay at your parents' spare home on the coast and they can have the children to themselves, so soften the blow?

I do think the GPs are getting a bit of a roasting here. If someone was calling themselves the mother of my daughter's children just two years after she died, I would be struggling to be nice about it too. Even though, I would realise deep down it was the best for the children, it would hurt my very core.

MiraWard · 05/01/2013 23:23

With respect to myself, I kinow exactly what it is like for the adults to put themselves first in this situation - feelings and all that - and ignore the feelings, rights, future relationships of the children - the ones who should come first.

If that is wrong of me, to feel for these children, whilst the grown ups "lay down the law" and otherwise decide what they will and will not do to facilitate contact etc.

HildaOgden · 05/01/2013 23:23

Mira,you seem to be completely ignoring the fact that the childrens birth parents chose op and her husband to raise the children should anything happen to them (and any of us who have made a will,have faced that scenario and put in writing our wishes for our children),they did not chose the grandparents.

The bio parents of this children entrusted OP with their care...and that care involves making decisions that won't please all the people all the time.

Op isn't trying to distance the GPs,they are doing a good enough job of that themselves by demanding a terrified child be drugged up to cross the world to see them.No negotiations,no middle ground...it's their way or nothing.

Op hasn't looked to wipe all traces of bio parents out of the kids lives...she has done all she can so that they are treated as any child should be.Loved,and equal,regardless of circumstance.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo · 05/01/2013 23:25

What are you suggesting Mira? that she drugs the child and takes it on a traumatic trip? that she doesn't act on inappropriate phone calls?

what exactly should she do differently? and what should she do instead?

CloudsAndTrees · 05/01/2013 23:26

TheCat, I totally understand what you are saying, and tbh, I can't even begin to imagine the pain of losing a child so I might well be completely wrong. But I think if my adult child had died and left children, I would be eternally grateful to the person who was unrelated but loving my grandchildren as her own. I think I'd be practically throwing rose petals on her pathway to heaven I'd be so grateful.

HildaOgden · 05/01/2013 23:28

Mira,answer the question......what solution do you have to offer to this?Apart from trying to do a Miss Marple on the Op and her timezones...what constructive advice do you have to offer as a solution to this situation?

TidyDancer · 05/01/2013 23:34

Oh dear. This is a very emotive subject so I'm not surprised it's splintered.

Mira, might I suggest with the greatest respect, that you step away from the thread? Your comments are deeply offensive. I know where they are coming from and I understand why this upsets you, but your personal experiences seem to be clouding things here.

The OP is not in the wrong at all, the GPs are. One would hope they will come round and understand what they are asking of a phobic child.

NorthernLurker · 05/01/2013 23:38

Mira you're just sounding daft now. The OP is primarily considering the feelings of the child. The child who is so frightened of flying an ambulance had to be called last time they tried it. Did you miss that?

TheBOF · 05/01/2013 23:41

I don't think Mira is suggesting at all that the boy should be forced to fly, but just that the OP should bear in mind the mindset of the grandparents.mwhich she is, and which is fair enough.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo · 05/01/2013 23:46

yup she is, and she offered a comprimise of meeting at a holiday home away from the site of the accident. its the GPs that are refusing to see the GCs unless its in Oz, the OP has tried to facilitate it by offering a plan B. There really isn't much more she can do if the GPs would rather fall out than find a solution in the middle ground.

clam · 05/01/2013 23:48

Oh ffs, she IS bearing in mind the mindset of the grandparents! Which is why skype has been set up so they can have weekly video calls. Yet the gm thinks it's appropriate to abuse that by saying dreadful things to the boy about his adoptive mother, with whom he has bonded.

maddening · 05/01/2013 23:49

Mira - these are the decisions that all people caring for orphaned children have to take. Yes - as is life some things won't be done right as they don't in "normal" families - to hold those decisions against your caregivers is your perogative but taking a step back and looking at it from the adoptive parents' or caregivers pov you can see that it isn't an easy path to tread either.

Here the op is only considering the dc - she is doing everything right by them. It most definitely the gp's fault - they are extremely unreasonable and the op is still maintaining contact and looking for solutions.

clam · 05/01/2013 23:50

And remember this post? "We have invited them to my family's holiday house but my MiL threw a strop and shut off the connection"

Who's being obstructive here?

frogspoon · 05/01/2013 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

catsrus · 05/01/2013 23:51

I don't think the idea of adopting rather than simple guardianship is odd either. when my dcs were little they did ask who would look after them if anything happened to their dad and I - we told them who it would be and they did then say things like "X and Y would be our new mummy and daddy" - and we said yes they would be and they would love them and look after them. Even now, as adults, my dcs adore these two people because they grew up knowing that they would be there to care for them if need be.

OP all your instincts to protect your son are definitely maternal I would have been overjoyed if the woman we chose to look after our children was like you.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo · 05/01/2013 23:52

I wouldn't tolerate my DParents or DILs slagging either of us off like that on skype to DCs either, it's not fair on the DCs

"laying down the law" and providing boundaries is part of the caring role whether you are guardians or birth parents or temporary foster parents or whatever.

TheCatInTheHairnet · 05/01/2013 23:52

To be fair, we have no idea if the GPs are wholly in the wrong, as we only have the OPs side. Just as we have no idea if ECB's verdict that this is the plot for a book is the more accurate opinion (tbh, I thought that too). For all we know, the OP has, whether she meant to or not, given reason for the GM to call her a selfish bitch.

This is one of those threads where I would LOVE to hear both sides of the argument!

ILoveSaladReallyIDo · 05/01/2013 23:55

she might be a selfish bitch, but still not right for GPs to say so to the child

TidyDancer · 05/01/2013 23:57

frogspoon - report if you think the OP is a troll.

Original poster

Andro · 06/01/2013 00:13

I probably should have left this for tonight, but still...

Weekly contact between DC and DGP has been in place since they returned to Oz after the funeral, there has also been extra contact on special occasions (birthdays/exciting results/prizes/etc). This contact has very rarely been missed (I can think of 2 occasions, both unavoidable - one on our side and one on theirs) This is the first time there has been an issue.

Mira, what else can I do? Contact is in place and encouraged. I know MiL is hurting beyond measure and lashing out, but should we (DH and I) accept her cursing about me to a 9yo? A compromise has been offered, with no response. DH is going to talk to his parents tomorrow, but right now I don't know what else I can do to help the situation.

With regard to our relationship prior to the accident, we got on alright in general. There was 1 area of tension I never really understood, when DH and I were married my parents accepted DH as a son - they never use the 'in law' bit...no-one in my extended family does or ever has so far as I can remember (on either side). She really doesn't like that. If there's any other deep seated resentment, I'm not aware of it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Andro · 06/01/2013 00:21

frogspoon - I'm not Mira.

I am new to the forum though and lurked for a while before joining and asking my original question. I have no reason to troll.

OP posts:

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