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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take my children to Australia?

255 replies

Andro · 04/01/2013 19:48

I never thought I'd say this, but I really need the views of someone not connected to my situation.

Background: My DH and I are the adoptive parents of his sister's children (DS 9 and DD 5), we took them on after their parents were killed in a accident and the adoption was finalised just over a year ago. I couldn't love them more!

Problem: My in-laws live in Australia and are demanding that we take our DC to visit in the summer holidays, I've said no and now we are heading for war.

DS has a serious phobia of flying; not long before is DP died they were on a flight that had to make an emergency landing, he was bumped around pretty badly and he now has some serious problems. We didn't realise how bad his fear was (I don't think he knew either tbh) until we tried to take a flight to Ireland, the panic attack he had was so bad he had to be taken to hospital by ambulance, sedated until his vital signs stabilized and spent a few days there for observation. DS is now having treatment for his phobia, he is making progress but it's slow going and his therapist agrees that any flight right now would be counter-productive. My in-laws know all this, it has been explained to them in detail and both have acknowledged that over 24h of flight time for a phobic child is, and I quote "less than ideal".

Let battle commence: They have suggested that I should drug DS for the duration of the journey...I just about hit the roof! I have no problem with an adult choosing to take medication in order to travel, but to suggest I do that to a child? I don't even know if a doctor would agree to but in truth I don't care! My DH is in a lousy situation, he really wants to support me but is being emotionally blackmailed by his parents. I feel sorry for him really because his Mother really does know which buttons to press. She had tried everything from 'we haven't seen them since the funeral and we miss them terribly, we might not see them again if you don't bring them over' to 'it's not as if they're her (my) blood family, why should she have any say?' and just about everything in-between. DH is trying to hold strong but his Mother is getting to him and it's causing some heated discussions between us.

Summary: AIBU to refuse to consider drugging my DS in order to take him on a long haul flight?

(sorry for the mammoth post)

OP posts:
ILoveSaladReallyIDo · 05/01/2013 20:06

when thinking about who to list in our wills as prefered guardians for DS, we agreed that we had to let go of our individual parenting preferences, we wouldn't want potential guardians living a stifled life trying to "follow our wishes" all the time, all we want is for DS to go somewhere he'll be loved and secure. The people we've listed are SOOOOO very different to us that trying to impose any of our wishes would be like swimming upstream for them and hinder the settling in there for DS IMO as it'ld be unnatural. So we have no requests at all, have given them full rein to do what they think is best.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo · 05/01/2013 20:07

in other words, we DO want people who would consider them their own.

TheBOF · 05/01/2013 20:15

Oh yes, I'm sure that is all true. I just don't think that psychologically approaching this like a from-birth adoption without being sensitive to the fact that the children have lost their actual parents and have memories of them is going to be for the best. But I think the OP sounds like she is thoughtful and doing what she feels is right.

Original poster
Andro · 05/01/2013 20:15

Mira, I am not trying to blank out the birth parents...I would never do that!

Do you really expect me to do nothing when my adoptive son's Dgm is using abusive language in a conversation with him? He's 9yo, still grieving, still traumatized and doesn't need to be pulled into the disagreements of the adults in his life. We considered that supervision by either myself or my DH would be the best option.

DC have a wonderful relationship with their DF's parents and I encourage it, I've encouraged their continued contact with their Mum's parents, but I'd have to be pretty irresponsible (and in my opinion a lousy parent) not to try and protect my DC from more pain!

OP posts:
TheBOF · 05/01/2013 20:19

How long has it been since the accident, if you dont mind me asking? I'm just wondering how long you have had to avoid the issue of the children actually physically spending time with their grandparents? How did the visits work before their parents died?

ILoveSaladReallyIDo · 05/01/2013 20:20

"I just don't think that psychologically approaching this like a from-birth adoption without being sensitive to the fact that the children have lost their actual parents and have memories of them is going to be for the best"

of course not, but I don't see any of that going on with the OP

DamnBamboo · 05/01/2013 20:20

YANBU and regardless as to the circumstances, you are their mother.
I feel your MILs pain as she is probably still grieving and wants to hold onto a part of her daughter but all things considered, unless she is prepared to come and see you, she will just have to wait.

TheBOF · 05/01/2013 20:21

(apologies if 'avoid' isn't quite the right word- maybe 'deal with' is better.)

TheBOF · 05/01/2013 20:23

ILoveSalad- no, me neither. Just that some replies can create the impression, that's what I was trying to say.

McNewPants2013 · 05/01/2013 20:25

Mira of course op is these 2 children mother.

That what happens when you adopt a child regardless of the age of the child.

To suggest otherwise is insulting to the many thousands of adoptive parents.

MiraWard · 05/01/2013 20:27

But children in this situation are NOT adopted - Aunt and Uncle would become their legal guardians and potentially trustees of their estate. OP is saying that they are HER children now. This is potentially extremely damaging to the children who have real memories of their parents. Something is very wrong in this scenario.

rechargemybatteries · 05/01/2013 20:28

The OP says in her first post that she and her DH have adopted the children.

Maryz · 05/01/2013 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo · 05/01/2013 20:29

Mira that's just not at all what the specialist advice given to (non adopting) parent's of a bereaved child similar age to the OPs was!

Having parent's now doesn't belittle the birth parents that are lost, making the new parents calling themselves as much taboo is much more damaging (according to the experts)

MiraWard · 05/01/2013 20:30

OP is saying that yes.

saffronwblue · 05/01/2013 20:31

The OP and her husband have legally adopted the children. More importantly they are clearly prioritising the children's emotional well-being in a difficult situation. In every way they are the children's parents. This does not dishonour the birth parents but puts the DC's needs first. As a parent, this is what I would want for my DC if I were not around.

McNewPants2013 · 05/01/2013 20:31

Mira read the 2nd paragraph, it clearly states they have adopted thier niece and nephew.

ThereGoesTheYear · 05/01/2013 20:32

OP you and your family sound absolutely lovely. Your ILs are not. They're putting their own feelings before their grandchildren's, and as for their comments about you Angry.

Can't they see that the children need stability and security and that they need to support your relationship with the children rather than risk undermining it with insulting comments about you? (It doesn't sound like this is the case; it sounds rather like these comments will damage the children's relationship with the GPs instead, which is still hard and unnecessary for the children.)

FiveGoMadInDorset · 05/01/2013 20:33

But she has adopted them.

BOF as far as I can tell, OP stated up until the accident GP's were coming over once/twice a year over here to see family.

DamnBamboo · 05/01/2013 20:37

Mira OP has adopted them!

Maryz · 05/01/2013 20:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiraWard · 05/01/2013 20:40

Exactly Maryz - this is not normally the way it is done in the UK - hence, that and the spanish made me think OP lived elsewhere.

Astley · 05/01/2013 20:41

My first thought when reading the OP was that if DH and I died and our siblings took on care for our DC, I would be very distressed at the idea of them becoming 'Mummy and Daddy'.

I hope that our siblings love them enough as their Aunts and Uncles not not try and become their parents. I don't think it's the same as a normal adoption at all.

Actually, I just asked DH and he was equally horrified by the idea of anyone else being called Mummy and Daddy, but doesn't believe any of our siblings would do that. It's actually really upsetting to imagine my DC being called someone elses children. Is it really not possible to love children as your niece and nephew and raise them but not become their 'parents'?

But I do agree the flight does not sound right at this point. Hopefully the therapy will work and he'll be able to travel to see his GP's at some point in the future, but clearly it's too much for him right now.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 05/01/2013 20:44

It was their adpotive son's choice to call them Mama and Papa.

MrsDeVere · 05/01/2013 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.