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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take my children to Australia?

255 replies

Andro · 04/01/2013 19:48

I never thought I'd say this, but I really need the views of someone not connected to my situation.

Background: My DH and I are the adoptive parents of his sister's children (DS 9 and DD 5), we took them on after their parents were killed in a accident and the adoption was finalised just over a year ago. I couldn't love them more!

Problem: My in-laws live in Australia and are demanding that we take our DC to visit in the summer holidays, I've said no and now we are heading for war.

DS has a serious phobia of flying; not long before is DP died they were on a flight that had to make an emergency landing, he was bumped around pretty badly and he now has some serious problems. We didn't realise how bad his fear was (I don't think he knew either tbh) until we tried to take a flight to Ireland, the panic attack he had was so bad he had to be taken to hospital by ambulance, sedated until his vital signs stabilized and spent a few days there for observation. DS is now having treatment for his phobia, he is making progress but it's slow going and his therapist agrees that any flight right now would be counter-productive. My in-laws know all this, it has been explained to them in detail and both have acknowledged that over 24h of flight time for a phobic child is, and I quote "less than ideal".

Let battle commence: They have suggested that I should drug DS for the duration of the journey...I just about hit the roof! I have no problem with an adult choosing to take medication in order to travel, but to suggest I do that to a child? I don't even know if a doctor would agree to but in truth I don't care! My DH is in a lousy situation, he really wants to support me but is being emotionally blackmailed by his parents. I feel sorry for him really because his Mother really does know which buttons to press. She had tried everything from 'we haven't seen them since the funeral and we miss them terribly, we might not see them again if you don't bring them over' to 'it's not as if they're her (my) blood family, why should she have any say?' and just about everything in-between. DH is trying to hold strong but his Mother is getting to him and it's causing some heated discussions between us.

Summary: AIBU to refuse to consider drugging my DS in order to take him on a long haul flight?

(sorry for the mammoth post)

OP posts:
MrsSchadenfreude · 05/01/2013 18:34

Your story is awful - what terrible inlaws. Sad As you're in England, how about meeting them somewhere on mainland Europe? Italy is probably a bit too far to drive, so how about northern France or Belgium? I used to live in Belgium and the coast there is much under rated, in my view. I don't think the Ostend ferry runs any more (which is a shame as I am a big fan of Ostend) but you could go to Zeebrugge, and within a short drive you could be in Ostend or Knokke, with day trips to Ghent and Bruges. Or northern France - there are some lovely places within spitting distance of the chunnel or ferry ports. It might be nice to go somewhere "neutral" - and Flemish Belgium has the advantage of everyone speaking English. And great food!

But I wouldn't blame if you decided to give them a wide berth, as someone else has said here, at least until some sort of apology is forthcoming.

MiraWard · 05/01/2013 18:37

Oh - the Belgian coast is lovely. And no extended flight for your ds!

Maryz · 05/01/2013 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlecloud · 05/01/2013 18:39

Mira I chat to friends on FB in the evenings and they are usually just getting up or going go to work. So is plausible.

Op you sound great BTW and NU

Maryz · 05/01/2013 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skatebauble · 05/01/2013 18:48

I appreciate, as obviously so do you, that mil has suffered greatly by losing a dd and sil.
However, she needs to step up to the plate and stop hurting her dgc by calling you names and by putting her dgc in an even more difficult situation.
Totally selfish.

Diddydollydo · 05/01/2013 18:48

I am late to this thread but I just wanted to say to the OP that you are right, they are wrong and you sound bloody lovely. :)

voddiekeepsmesane · 05/01/2013 18:58

All has been said that I would say but want you to know op that you and your Dhaka are handling this in totally the right way imho. your PIL'S are totally selfish Sad

voddiekeepsmesane · 05/01/2013 18:59

DH* bloody phone

Teapot13 · 05/01/2013 19:11

YANBU. I would also not be providing GPs with documentation from therapists about the problem. If they ask for it out of concern, of course I would share it, but not to back up your argument that he can't come. You are the parents, end of.

I also agree that these people are incredibly traumatized and need sympathy. (I think the OP is being sympathetic, but some of the posters are being a little harsh.) Suggesting an alternative destination is very reasonable.

specialsubject · 05/01/2013 19:24

the GPs are traumatised, of course - but how does forcing a phobic child on a long flight help?

there are no direct flights to Oz as far as I am aware. Even if the child was forced on to the first plane, the likelihood is that they will get stuck in Singapore/Dubai/wherever with someone who cannot fly back. Long walk.

not happening, end of. Phobic people do not fly. Flying is never essential and it will be hell for everyone on the plane; the OP and her children most of all.

EleanorCuntBucket · 05/01/2013 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome · 05/01/2013 19:35

The GPs may well be traumatised (and sustaining such a horrific loss no matter how long ago will never be "gotten over") but I find it difficult to accept that as a valid reason for telling an already distraught 9 year old that his mother is "a selfish, unreliable bitch".

I would have suggested meeting them somewhere else (France, mainland Europe etc) but if they're going to undermine and upset your already vulnerable DC, perhaps it's best to sit it out until they find a heart see the error of their ways.

MiraWard · 05/01/2013 19:42

Surely OP needs to be a little sensitive to the fact that these are not HER dcs - but her SILs dcs. The GPS will be VERY aware of that fact. I am a bit concerned that OP will do herself no favours trying to blank out the existence of the birth parents. She should be talking of them ALL the time. OP is NOT their mother, and should not be portraying herself as such. I lost my mother young. This sounds like a potential head fuck.

MiraWard · 05/01/2013 19:44

OP needs to be very conscious, as a legal guardian of these children, of what their parents would have wanted for them. I would expect the executor of the estate or someone who controls their trust, if they have one, to ensure that the parents' wishes are adhered to.

shesariver · 05/01/2013 19:45

It doesn't matter how upset your MIL would be (and no doubt it would be upsetting, as it was her DD at the end of the day) or that she thinks you are selfish (and you're not obviously) what really matters is your childrens well being - which should come first and foremost over the adults feelings. Its really sad that she cant see this or seem to take this on board - all "me, me, me"! Insulting you to your DS is completely wrong and bizarre, I just dont get her reasoning.

FeltOverlooked · 05/01/2013 19:46

Mira,

I am sorry for your loss but do not really see where the OP suggests she is blanking out the birth parents?

She is now their mother, of sorts, hence mama and not mum. I sense she is very careful to maintain the distinction.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 05/01/2013 19:49

I have enormous sympathy for anyone losing a child and I can understand why they may not want to visit the UK at all. However, their lack of understanding/sympathy for your son is just plain wrong.

I'm so glad your DH has seen the light and that you've both laid down your family boundaries now.

There is another job your DH needs to do, though, and that is to make his mother aware that you both know what she called you and that, not only are you both disgusted by her behaviour, but that she has also upset her grandson.

You sound like fab parents by the way. Smile

rechargemybatteries · 05/01/2013 19:51

Oh my goodness. I have nothing useful to add to this except that your son should definitely not travel none of you should go and your MIL was seriously out of order in what she said to your DS. You suound lovely.

MiraWard · 05/01/2013 19:52

No, OP was very clear on that. She is not going to "lay down the law". My point is that she does not have the right, legally, morally or otherwise to interrupt the children's relationship with their GPs. If that was YOUR children, would you be happy for a brother's wife, say, to dictate these things?

Op needs to manage this in a different way. She cannot cut the GPs off.

TheBOF · 05/01/2013 19:55

I don't think the OP would be insensitive enough to blank out the children's deceased parents, at all. But maybe that impression is coming through this thread because so many posters are talking about their relationship as parent-child as though it were as uncomplicated (relatively) as a from-birth adoption. It really isn't, even if enough time has elapsed since the accident for the OP to actually complete the adoption process, rather than assume legal guardianship. And I agree with Mira that you can't just power through as though the situations are the same.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo · 05/01/2013 19:58

the OP wanting to supervise the calls while the GPs are using UR language is facilitating the realtionship, just doing it sensibly

I know someone in similar dynamics to the OP and the child bereavement specialist said that actually the child needed to be allowed to call someone else "mum" even though the female guardian thought it'd be wrong and be seen as "replacing" etc.. the specialist assured her that it's not and its actually unhealthy to back away from it too much

CheeryCherry · 05/01/2013 19:59

YADNBU. Poor DS, they must think of him, not themselves. Your DP's cottage sounds the perfect compromise, as does the suggestion of meeting in France if you go by ferry. Stick to your guns. As a parent I don't think there's a choice, you can't go to Australia just yet. But luckily there are other options. Good luck.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 05/01/2013 20:00

MiraWard - I'm sorry for your loss.

I lost both my parents in my early 20s [medical reasons] - so I was not a child. But I am a mother.

I think you have been very hard on the OP.

I have been very careful to make all possible provisions for my children in case history repeated itself. While I was doing this, I tried to set out wishes/guidelines/rules but after going round and round in circles, I decided in the end that what I wanted most for my DCs was to be loved and to be part of a close family. Preserving their memories of me was very much secondary to their new parents making them as happy as they could. If that meant that my kids hardly remembered me then so be it - their happiness was much more important. DH agreed absolutely.

I wouldn't want my sister and her husband constantly talking about us etc if that made my kids unhappy. I would hope they would take their lead from my kids on this.

They would not be left without advice on this from charities like Winston's Wish etc.

LtEveDallas · 05/01/2013 20:02

Legally she has every 'right' to cut off the GPs if she so chooses. GPs have no legal 'rights'.

And the OP IS the mother of these children. She adopted them, her husband adopted them. They ARE their parents. They are not 'legal guardians' they are Mama and Papa.