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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think 12 weeks after having a baby, it's not unusual to still not be interested in sex

63 replies

missrobin123 · 03/01/2013 12:43

I have a really good husband, he is lovely and so kind and caring. He supported me through a really emotionally tough pregnancy, I couldn't wish for someone more supportive usually. I had our beautiful baby 12 weeks ago by ELCS and have been recovering very well, but I just don't feel ready to have sex yet. it's not that I'm exhausted, or anything, I feel pretty good. I'm starting to feel more confident being a mum now, I love my DD to bits and breastfeeding is going well. I don't hate the changes that have happened to my body but I'm still getting used to how I look now. I love my husband so much, even more so since we had our baby. But he thinks that because I don't want to have sex right now that I must have gone off him. I have told him that isn't the case, I've tried to explain I just don't feel ready yet and I have no sex drive, I did read that breastfeeding can affect libido but don't know if that's true, even if it is I'd never give up bf as it's so important to me. The lack of sex is just causing arguments now and it is destroying our relationship, it feels like I'm under pressure to have sex now and I know my husband thinks things should be back to normal by 12 weeks. Im so sad that this one aspect of our relationship is ruining everything else. I can't help but be angry at him as I think he is being selfish, I am trying my best with everything. AIBU to think that I am normal to not be thinking of sex or be interested in it only 12 weeks after having a baby? I just wondered what other women's experiences were.

OP posts:

QuietNinjaTardis · 03/01/2013 12:45

I didn't have sex till ds was 6 months. I didn't have much sex drive for a long time. Your dh needs to stop thinking of his needs wants and start respecting your feelings.

millie30 · 03/01/2013 12:46

YANBU. I would question how lovely your husband actually is if 12 weeks after a CS he is causing arguments about this.

applecrumple · 03/01/2013 12:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

applecrumple · 03/01/2013 12:48

LTB

ItsALongWayToPickAWilly · 03/01/2013 12:49

I struggled to find the drive for it after having DS for the same reasons. I think I was just too caught up in being a mother for the first time, I didn't think of myself as a sexual being.
However I had to give myself a shake and realise that DP was obviously not feeling any of that and needed some attention. We eased our way back in with foreplay for a couple of weeks, after that I found I had much more interest in having sex again.

SmileyPenguin · 03/01/2013 12:51

Yanbu. I had caesarian and didn't have sex for six months after! There's nothing like a baby to stop your libido.

Pooka · 03/01/2013 12:52

Sex drive was non existent for some time (way more than 12 weeks) with all three of mine.

CloudsAndTrees · 03/01/2013 12:52

YANBU!

I found that breastfeeding had a lot to do with how interested I was in sex. When I stopped at 10 months with each child, both time it was like someone had flicked an internal switch in me and a week after stopping BFing I was up for it again. I had done it before that, but I can't say I particularly wanted to or enjoyed it that much, and I didn't notice how little I had wanted sex until I started wanting it again!

HollyBerryBush · 03/01/2013 12:54

Depends on your libido - frankly I was up for a bit of rumpy pumpy when the anaesthetic had worn off

However, if you suddenly go all 'mumsy' forgetting that you are a woman in your own right, with needs then your relationship will ultimately fail because you have pushed away the one person you should remain close to. If you aren't ready for penetrative sex, theres lots of otherways to be close to each other. Of course your body has changed, didn't stop Shirley Valentine though did it?

Forester · 03/01/2013 12:54

Breastfeeding definitely put a dampner on my libido. We still had sex though less frequently than normal and I didn't initiate it - but once we got going I enjoyed it. If I was you I would compromise and start having occassional sex as you'll probably both end up happier.

Fakebook · 03/01/2013 12:55

First baby we didn't have sex for 10 months. Second baby 4 months and it didn't feel right. So we had another break and started again when I was confident.

This shouldn't be creating fights between you. He should understnad. Your husband sounds like a doofus.

blondiep14 · 03/01/2013 12:55

My DD is 13 weeks and I'm sadly not interested in sex at all either!

I shall try and make the effort soon tho as I feel it could go on indefinitely if we don't break the cycle!

I know DH is probably fit to explode but he never says anything or tries to pressure me.
I think you should explain to your DH that you are perfectly normal, and he is killing any spark you may feel by being pushy and demanding about it.

For me breastfeeding kills my libido. But it is about the only con to it.

AmberSocks · 03/01/2013 13:00

it is true about bf,i found withmy daughter(whoi bf exclusivley.the other three i stopped ater a few weeks then mix fed then formula)i had no libido at all,luckily,kind of anyway,my husband was having a busy period at work so didnt really want sex either,though i have to say he would never pressure me to.

Back2Two · 03/01/2013 13:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

AmberSocks · 03/01/2013 13:03

after thinking about it i really think bf definily makes a difference,just look at my age gaps

ds1-feb 2008-bf for a week then formula
ds2 april 2009-bf for few days then mix fed then formula
dd1-march 2010-ebf til 2
ds3-october 2012-bf for 2 weeks,mix fed,now formula.

i guess i am due another soon arent i?

FlojoHoHoHo · 03/01/2013 13:04

It sounds more like you are scared to have sex than simply have no sex drive?
If you simply have no sex drive then you need to compromise like others have said and have it infrequently.
If its more about some fear of something being or going amiss then you need to take it gently.
Either way you need to do something!
Once you start I'm sure you'll get in to it and enjoy it and wonder what the fuss was about and your DH probably thinks this too and that's why he's getting frustrated (as well as the obvious frustration!)

Original poster

missrobin123 · 03/01/2013 13:05

Thanks everyone, it's good to hear people's experiences.

I think he gets upset that I don't even have a shower with him now but it's only really cos half the time, baby needs me. also, I like to have a shower alone just so I can get a bit of time to myself, and so my body is my own for a bit!

Am I wrong for feeling that? I just think maybe breastfeeding and just having a baby really affects your libido cos it's nature's way of making sure the baby gets everything they need.

Forester I know what you mean as have thought about just having sex but I just know with me, if I don't feel like it, there's no way I can fake and that will hurt him even more, especially if we start and I then have to stop.

OP posts:

BelleoftheFall · 03/01/2013 13:10

You're not wrong for feeling like that. 12 weeks is still early, very early in fact. He has unrealistic expectations of you and honestly, while it's good to talk about these things I think if he's pressuring you so much that it's got to the point where you think it's destroying your relationship then he needs to back the hell off.

VisualiseAHorse · 03/01/2013 13:17

You are not wrong for feeling that way. I love having showers by myself, it's true time I get to myself!!

I personally didn't find BF stopped my libido (but mine is very very high normally) - I did however find it hard if the baby woke up for a feed while we were having sex. Switching from sexy woman to BF mummy in the time it takes to walk to his room was very weird and hard.

Skiffen · 03/01/2013 13:24

There is nothing more crushing to a spluttering spark of a libido than being hassled for sex.

Causing arguments about this and making you feel this bad is diagnostic of your DH being an arse.

I have been pg and/or bf for nearly 4 years and whilst we do have sex, and quite often by some people's standards, there have been definite fluctuations. And, I still can't really deal with being over-touched - after a day of being so available to the DCs, I feel like you - I want my body for me for a while. DH has understood and respected my feelings (as I do his).

NolittleBuddahsorTigerMomshere · 03/01/2013 16:03

Hollyberry, that post is not very helpful or supportive really in parts is it? It seems that OP has asked the question because she is worried DH will feel pushed away.

OP, don't worry you will feel like getting physically close again it will just take time. IME, when you are BFing you don't feel up to it, which I always thought was your body using your nutrients and reserves to feed your baby rather than make another just yet! With me, I didn't like the 'organized' approach to trying to do the do after a baby, by this I mean getting someone to sit, having a special bath and so forth -- too much pressure. With DH and I it was really spontaneous, in the middle of the night I just woke up and really fancied him and wanted to be close to him like that again. That was after about 7 months.

Spuddybean · 03/01/2013 16:19

i don't know about 'usual', i only have recent anecdotal figures, but ds is 15 weeks and we've tried 3 times and i'm still too sore - had lots of stitches. i do fancy it a bit tho. not as much as before but ds co sleeps and i am very tired.

Everyone else from my nct group (8 women) have been doing it since 6 weeks.

But if you don't feel up to it then don't feel bad. Do you think you are apprehensive? i know i am fucking terrified!

AreYouADurtBirdOrALadyBird · 03/01/2013 16:23

Similar story,bf dampened my libido,once I stopped,I was like a dog on heat for a while.
Can you be intimate in other ways?

AreYouADurtBirdOrALadyBird · 03/01/2013 16:25

Spuddy take what is gloated said in nct group with a pinch of salt.

FobblyWoof · 03/01/2013 16:31

YANBU.

I had it the other way around. I was desperate for sex but my body wasn't ready and neither was my DP. It made me feel really rejected but I'm sure my hormones played a part in that!

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