Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to think 12 weeks after having a baby, it's not unusual to still not be interested in sex

63 replies

missrobin123 · 03/01/2013 12:43

I have a really good husband, he is lovely and so kind and caring. He supported me through a really emotionally tough pregnancy, I couldn't wish for someone more supportive usually. I had our beautiful baby 12 weeks ago by ELCS and have been recovering very well, but I just don't feel ready to have sex yet. it's not that I'm exhausted, or anything, I feel pretty good. I'm starting to feel more confident being a mum now, I love my DD to bits and breastfeeding is going well. I don't hate the changes that have happened to my body but I'm still getting used to how I look now. I love my husband so much, even more so since we had our baby. But he thinks that because I don't want to have sex right now that I must have gone off him. I have told him that isn't the case, I've tried to explain I just don't feel ready yet and I have no sex drive, I did read that breastfeeding can affect libido but don't know if that's true, even if it is I'd never give up bf as it's so important to me. The lack of sex is just causing arguments now and it is destroying our relationship, it feels like I'm under pressure to have sex now and I know my husband thinks things should be back to normal by 12 weeks. Im so sad that this one aspect of our relationship is ruining everything else. I can't help but be angry at him as I think he is being selfish, I am trying my best with everything. AIBU to think that I am normal to not be thinking of sex or be interested in it only 12 weeks after having a baby? I just wondered what other women's experiences were.

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 03/01/2013 16:33

Perfectly normal.

With DD I had a 3rd degree tear and BF her until she was 7wo, we were still back in the saddle after 2 weeks.

With DS (now 9mo) he's still BF and co-sleeping at night and I still don't feel remotely interested in sex. I absolutely get what you say about needing your body to be your own for a bit, without anyone else needing a bit of you first!

ChocHobNob · 03/01/2013 16:39

YANBU

As for the NCT group members all back at it by 6 weeks, I still had the lochia loss then.

rogersmellyonthetelly · 03/01/2013 16:40

Tbh, at 13 weeks after a day of being sucked on, sicked on, demanded constantly by a small baby, the last thing I was interested in was sex. I wanted to be left alone to sleep and do what I wanted to do for a change!
Bf affected me quite dramatically, my libido picked up within a couple of weeks of stopping feeding at 6 months. Before then I just wasn't interested at all! Dh thankfully didn't push things, or he would have got fairly short shrift from me.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 03/01/2013 16:45

YANBU at all, it's perfectly normal to not be interested in sex at 12 weeks postnatal

It's also perfectly fine to be shagging almost straight away, all that matters is that you do whatever you are comfortable with and only when you're ready for it

I was having sex a week after some of my babies (entirely my choice) but with one who was a very traumatic emergency section I didn't feel ready till after four months

catgirl1976geesealaying · 03/01/2013 16:47

It wasn't for me

I nearly died laughing when the MW talked to me about contraception

9lb 1 baby, delivered by forceps and an episiotomy seemed plenty contraception for me

whois · 03/01/2013 16:51

This will be very unpopular on MN, but can you just give him a bit if attention and a blow job? Won't take much time probably if he's been going without, he'll feel ace, you'll feel closer, arguments will calm down. Everyone's a winner.

OxfordBags · 03/01/2013 16:55

He really does not properly understand that his penis is waaaay at the bottom of all priorities in your family right now, does he? Upset because you won't have a fucking shower with him? What are you, one of those super-realistic sex dolls, ffs?! Sounds like he think he owns your body and doesn't like seeing someone else, even his own tiny baby, using his possession.

Having a selfish man-child who thinks his sexual needs are top priority is a bigger passion-killer than allthe Bfing in the world, IMHO. However, I do think most men feel naturally a bit sad at suddenly not being their partner's no. 1 priority anymore,, especially physically - the thing is, most men also tell themselves to grow up and stop being such a whining bitch, not pester and guilt-trip and start arguments over getting their end away.

If it's destroying the relationship, then it's because he's being a twat.

Has he heard of this new-fangled trend of masturbation, out of interest... ?

OxfordBags · 03/01/2013 16:56

But why should she give him a BJ, whois? This unpleasant behaviour needs shutting down, not pandering to. Why doesn't he think about HER,huh?!

Horsemad · 03/01/2013 17:02

I did it for the first time 13 weeks after the birth, next time after that was another 7 weeks, so twice in 5 months - and I got pg again that second time!

EasilyBored · 03/01/2013 17:11

I found BFing to be the biggest mood killer. I just felt like I spent 90% of my time using my body to look after my baby, every moment that it was just mine was precious to me in the first couple of months. Once I stopped, I did feel pretty much back to normal in that respect. Have you explained all this to DH? He's allowed to have his feelings too, but if he knows all your reasons and still causes an argument, that's a problem.

rogersmellyonthetelly · 03/01/2013 17:12

No, you don't have to give him a blow job! He is quite capable of seeing to his own needs, he has hands after all.

Fakebook · 03/01/2013 17:13

Whois, that is just some really really bad advice. How they'll feel closer after one is beyond me .

VerityClinch · 03/01/2013 17:16

12 weeks? I didn't have sex for FIVE MONTHS.

Then I got pregnant again.

Original poster

missrobin123 · 03/01/2013 17:22

Thanks everyone, appreciate you all sharing your experiences.

DH feels awful for how things have been, after the argument this morning we've now discussed it all and he apologised loads and said he will wait until I feel ready, however long that is. He really is a good person, I don't think he ever intended to make me feel pressurised, but he suffers with low confidence at times and I think he really believed I didn't want him anymore. I think he now understands that I haven't gone off him, it's just all my hormones and the massive impact of having a baby. So I'm hoping things will be a bit better between us now.

OP posts:

Fairylea · 03/01/2013 17:24

Normal.

I had an elcs and at first I felt great about 7 weeks after and we had a lot of sex. Ds was sleeping for good chunks etc. Life was good for sex timing!

Now 7months on I have completely lost all libido completely. Haven't wanted sex in weeks and no desire or whatever for it to return.. dh is sad but what can I do?

I was the same with dd now aged 9. Sex drive didn't come back for about a year by which time I'd left my dds dad for various reasons and met someone else !

MrsHoarder · 03/01/2013 17:28

Hope things are do improve then. And don't worry about how long you intend to ebf for: my libido started to return as the number of feeds decreased and then my periods came back, boo. The demands your baby makes on your body will be less constant too she says as the neglected child plays with her foot instead of the pile of toys.

poshme · 03/01/2013 17:37

I think the thing about wanting your body to yourself is massive. I think often men underestimate how physical BFing and looking after babies is. I used to sometimes feel that I had been giving of myself and my body all day long, and I really couldn't give any more to DH.
But I had to explain that to him in words of one syllable. (and after each child - we have 3).
I still loved him the same, just couldn't do physical love for a while (not even hugs sometimes).
Don't forget to articulate as much as possible how you feel. Good luck OP- it will get easier.

DontYouJingleMyChristingle · 03/01/2013 17:51

5 weeks with my first EMCS, 9 with my second.

Was a bit sore starting out both times, but improved as time went on.

I found that the more I made time to be sexual with DH, the more my libido kicked in.

It is tough when your breasts have become milk providers and you are short on sleep to feel like a sexual being and not just a mum, but a good orgasm and the oxytocin hit made me feel good and closer to DH.

Don't rush it, if your not ready you are not ready and he needs to respect that.

Badgerwife · 03/01/2013 17:58

I think that however you feel, you just need to be really open and honest with your other half. Whilst it may be usual not to feel up to having sex for a while after having a child, he would have any way of understanding that unless you communicate clearly with him. 3 months may not feel like a long time for us after giving birth (understatement of the year, that) but it might appear long enough to him. I don't know how any man could fully understand the long-term implications, not being able to physically know what it feels like, including the hormonal changes we go through!

Personally I felt up to giving it a go after 6 weeks and we did so very gingerly for a number of weeks thereafter, mostly because I wanted to bite the bullet and not let it become a huge thing to overcome later on. I am still breastfeeding with DD now 17 months so if I'd waited until the end of that we'd still not be having sex! But it's so hard at the beginning, I can't judge whether my experience is 'usual' at all or not (doesn't sound like it if I go by the responses on this thread!)

So basically, if you need more time, take the time, but don't underestimate your husband's need for affection and intimacy, just make sure you communicate it to him in other ways!

diddl · 03/01/2013 17:59

He thinks that you´ve gone off him as you don´t want sex atm??

You´ve just had his bloody baby FFS!

I had no tears or stitches but was still bruised & it took a few weeks to feel "in the mood" & have the courage!

We found that cuddling/being close/holding hands helped to feel like a couple still iyswim.

spiritedaway · 03/01/2013 19:30

Will he be happy with a 10 minute quicky? If so i would just get on with it. . much like stacking the dishwasher when you really can't be arsed. But that's just me and the rather cynical attitude i have developed over the years :)

applecrumple · 03/01/2013 19:42

Am shocked at the posters who think its ok for OP to "service" her DH. Has the feminist movement made no progress at all ffs!

FoxSake · 03/01/2013 19:58

God I'll get slated for this on MN, I don't think you should have sex until your ready but I do think it's important to maintain an adult relationship, I'd be upset if dh didn't want to be intimate with me. Put baby down have a glass of wine get dressed up, that sort of thing.

It's really really hard if you go from feeling needed by a baby all day to having to meet dhs requests, you can definitely start feeling under pressure. Feeling sexy is hard. Instead of dh putting on pressure on you he should be arranging to support you to feel sexy, maybe have some time to yourself, put the baby down, run you a bath etc. Demanding sex is not ok but perhaps see where he is coming from too?

FoxSake · 03/01/2013 20:02

Can I just askmother posters how long is ok not to have sex after a baby, not a rude question just wondering if there is an acceptable time limit? To me 12 weeks is a long time but that's based on the fact that if we went much longer than a week under normal circumstances I'd be worried about my relationship but I'm guessing if the norm is every month then post baby that number is pretty normal post baby?

fraktion · 03/01/2013 20:08

12 weeks? Heck no I wasn't up for it. We had sex once in the first 6 months, a handful of times in the first year and only after 18monrhs was it anything approaching regular.

BFing is draining, you feel touched our, your body is changing relatively rapidly in all sorts of ways and a man who thinks he can have his sexual partner back just because the baby's out is being selfish.

Unfortunately there isn't an easy way to say this. You just need to repeat a million times that you're not ready, you still love him but physical contact is too much right now.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread