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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think 12 weeks after having a baby, it's not unusual to still not be interested in sex

63 replies

missrobin123 · 03/01/2013 12:43

I have a really good husband, he is lovely and so kind and caring. He supported me through a really emotionally tough pregnancy, I couldn't wish for someone more supportive usually. I had our beautiful baby 12 weeks ago by ELCS and have been recovering very well, but I just don't feel ready to have sex yet. it's not that I'm exhausted, or anything, I feel pretty good. I'm starting to feel more confident being a mum now, I love my DD to bits and breastfeeding is going well. I don't hate the changes that have happened to my body but I'm still getting used to how I look now. I love my husband so much, even more so since we had our baby. But he thinks that because I don't want to have sex right now that I must have gone off him. I have told him that isn't the case, I've tried to explain I just don't feel ready yet and I have no sex drive, I did read that breastfeeding can affect libido but don't know if that's true, even if it is I'd never give up bf as it's so important to me. The lack of sex is just causing arguments now and it is destroying our relationship, it feels like I'm under pressure to have sex now and I know my husband thinks things should be back to normal by 12 weeks. Im so sad that this one aspect of our relationship is ruining everything else. I can't help but be angry at him as I think he is being selfish, I am trying my best with everything. AIBU to think that I am normal to not be thinking of sex or be interested in it only 12 weeks after having a baby? I just wondered what other women's experiences were.

OP posts:

fraktion · 03/01/2013 20:09

Oh and I had an easy birth, BF went well but we coslept and APed and DS had reflux.

ivykaty44 · 03/01/2013 20:15

I didn't have sex until dd2 was 4 months - but that was because I didn't want to have sex on a first or second date and I only met him when dd2 was 2 months old my new b/f was very considerate - it was v.good though, we did it lots

poshme · 03/01/2013 20:16

Foxsake what a stupid thing to say. Why should there be a 'normal' timescale? Some women are so badly damaged (both mentally and physically) by childbirth that they get PTSD.
Some women have to have extensive reconstructive surgery months later because they are doubly incontinent caused by childbirth (see the ragged bits threads on here).
Some women have PND and don't want sex.
Some women just don't want it.
If my DH had pressurised me that would have made it worse.
FWIW I can't remember how long each time after my 3 kids. It wasn't as long as 12 weeks I don't think, but it may have been. I'd not had a bad time (2nd degree tear and good stitching) but it was still quite traumatic the first time.
IMO just like the first time you have sex, every time you have sex BOTH partners have to want to, and be ready. And after childbirth, that can take some time.

catgirl1976geesealaying · 03/01/2013 20:18

My DH would not want to have sex with me if I was doing it to keep him happy.

Fairylea · 03/01/2013 20:18

I don't think there is a normal to be honest.

I've heard so many different stories.

But something I have grown to learn as I get older is that I won't have sex to appease anyone. If I don't feel like having sex then it's just bloody tough and if my dp at the time doesn't like it he knows where his hand is or failing that, the door.

After being a single mum for 9 years I am absolutely unwilling to put up with any man making sexual demands of me. They can understand or they can fuck off.

There's so much pressure to get back to normal and have sex after birth. The thought of being made to feel like I had to have sex (not raped, but subtly pressurised which is just as abusive in my opinion) is enough to make me want to be a single parent. Honestly.

In fact that IS part of the reason why I left my dds dad and became a single parent. I was absolutely fed up with him going on about it. He was never directly bullying about it but he'd always be making a comment it wasn't enough and I'd had enough.

poshme · 03/01/2013 20:19

And 'the norm' might be every day pre-baby, and then the new 'norm' might be totally different. Or different for a while.
TBH I'd be more worried about my relationship if sex was sooo important that a time without it was considered so awful.

poshme · 03/01/2013 20:20

Totally agree with catgirl and fairylea

SirBoobAlot · 03/01/2013 20:30

We had sex as soon as the bleeding had stopped post birth Breastfeeding never effected my sex drive (thankfully, no way I would have got through nearly three years of no sex ).

However, he shouldn't be pressuring you into something you are not ready for. And trying to persuade someone to have sex is about the biggest turn off out there.

Back2Two · 03/01/2013 20:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

NumericalMum · 03/01/2013 20:40

Fox do you have children? My baby wouldn't let me put her down. Ever. I showered with her in her car seat and had to jump in and out between hair wash etc to stop her crying. She never slept. Ever. I have no idea when we had sex after she was born but I almost certainly would have been happy to never have sex again when she was 12 weeks old!

FoxSake · 03/01/2013 20:53

Yes I have 3, I'm sorry if I offended anyone, that wasn't my intention and I didn't think my post came across like that. I'm just curious and perhaps haven't got my point across very well.

My relationship, I don't think, is fragile but sex is a good barometer of what's going on, sorry if this bothers you. I think the catty remarks about my relationship are a little uncalled for. I haven't put any pressure on op or ordered a blow job.

choceyes · 03/01/2013 21:01

BF definitely affected my sex drive. We only did it a less than a handful of times before my period returned at 14 months. Before that I was pretty dry inside (tmi!!!!) And wasnt much fun. After my cycle returned my sex drive came back stronger than ever. We have more sex now than pre dcs and I'm still bfing 2.5yr old dd!

My dh did pressure me a bit and moan about the lack of sex which not very understanding of him and our relationship definitely suffered. He was a great dh in all other ways though. I understand how you feel OP.

Gintonic · 04/01/2013 15:04

Like choceyes the BF hormones have not just affected my sex drive they have also affected my bits (either that or my clitoris got tired of waiting and curled up and died)

I do partly understand where your OH is coming from, because mine was scared to go near me for a while as I was quite messed up physically. I got quite upset about it and told him he didn't love me any more. Though clearly pressuring you is totally unhelpful and not very nice.

I hope your argument has helped him realise that and he can be more supportive of you now.

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