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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is not an unreasonable request?

151 replies

Selfishsil · 29/12/2012 11:22

I have NC as in have a feeling that SIL may actually be on here, although I hope she reads this!

SIL is 8 months pregnant, due to her age and health circumstances (high blood pressure) it has been decided to induce her early. SIL has private health care and got a choice of 2 dates, one of these dates being my mum's birthday and me and my brother have organised a party for her on that day.
So without consulting my brother she booked that day Angry, I'm sure she did it out of spite because this is how she is. She makes it no secret her dislike for my brother's family.

Now my brother will not be able to attend my mum's birthday and this has been the first christmas and birthday without her husband and she has been finding it really hard and wanting family around her.

I'm really pissed off at my SIL and this is just one of many things she has done to upset my mum and I.

The thing is WIBU to tell my brother to come and see my mum for an hour on the day? SIL would obviously have to wait a while in hospital before she is induced and my brother could slip away then and quickly see my mum before coming back? I now my brother really wants to see mum on her birthday and is secretly a bit pissed off that SIL has done this.

Thank you if you got this far.

OP posts:
Mockingcurl · 29/12/2012 12:47

If my husband chose to go to his mothers birthday party when I was in labour, I would never ever forgive him.
Don't put him in the impossible position of having to chose. His place is with his wife. End of.

bluebiscuit · 29/12/2012 12:59

Op, I'm sorry but you have come across rather badly.

You should move your mum's birthday dinner or party or whatever it is forward a week so that everyone can come. I cannot believe an adult would get so wound up about a birthday thing being on the actual day. FGS my 6yo understands that you don't have a party on the actual day if it is not convenient.

Having said that, it is of course possible (but not probable imo) that your SIL chose the date out of spite. If that is the case, the best thing would be to move the party anyway.

It is ludicrous to suggest your brother should drop SIL at the hospital and go and see your mum. It isn't pleasant in hospital, it makes things a lot easier to have someone there to support you. By asking your brother to do this, you unfortunately sound deranged.

Astelia · 29/12/2012 13:03

YABVU and unbelievably selfish- who cares about a party? A baby is far more important. Your DB must be with his DW at all times- don't emotionally blackmail him over the party as it doesn't matter.

HopAndSkip · 29/12/2012 13:04

I doubt at 8 months pregnant, and with that much to worry about, that she's even remembered the date of your mums birthday.

The world doesn't revolve around you/your DM.

Her grandchild being born should be a lovely birthday present for DM anyway.

maddening · 29/12/2012 13:06

Either date would have impacted yout mum's bday - the later you go the higher chance of not needing intervention like forceps and emcs - so earlier sil might need db if she is recovering.

And it is nice as next year your mum will share a bday with her gc which will be special - and I am sure she would love to get news of the new arrival while with her family so you can all toast together.

Your op makes you sound like a brat tbh and v self absorbed.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo · 29/12/2012 13:07

This is insane! I'd book the latest possible date so that they baby had as many extra days to lay down fat etc as possible!

your bro is a twat if he doesn't stay with her BTW

MammaTJ · 29/12/2012 13:09

You can be there for your DM, so it's not as if she will be alone.

Leave your DB out of it, he has more important things to attend to.

You say your SIL doesn't like you. I can't think why. Hmm

Alisvolatpropiis · 29/12/2012 13:14

Also OP- you say in your opening sentence you hope your SIL is actually on here and reads this.

Do you have any idea how bad an argument that could cause? I mean seriously?

You are utterly lacking in perspective.

Fakebook · 29/12/2012 13:14

I've never heard of women getting given 2 dates for an induction. That's strange to me in itself. Are you sure it's not a date she was just given? Why would they let her choose one early or one later date if the whole point of the induction was because of her ill health?

I think your hatred for sil is not letting you see how unreasonable you are being. Yes, she may have done it to be spiteful (who knows) but if you cut her out of the scenario, you'll have a new niece or nephew by the end of that day, and imagine how happy your brother will be.

Just step back and stop "fighting" for your brother and let them get on with their lives. It's not worth the hassle and it just makes you bitter and resentful. Get on with your life, make your mum happy by glossing over things if she gets upset. I've been there, and life is too short.

GrumpySod · 29/12/2012 13:15

I'm the lone yanbu. But there are some good suggestions elsewhere, if you can rebook the party for another date, especially.

FestiveElement · 29/12/2012 13:20

It's a private hospital Fakebook. They are usually as accommodating as they can be about when they schedule things, within reason. It's completely reasonable that they would be in a position to offer more than one time slot.

Fakebook · 29/12/2012 13:22

Oh ok, just re-read OP.

TalkativeJim · 29/12/2012 13:23

She will have chosen the later date to give the baby the maximum time inside which may help avoid breathing problems etc. Presumably this will have been partly based on medical advice.

Your mother's birthday is absolutely negligible in this situation. Even if it wasn't, it's still none if your business and between your brother and his IMMEDIATE family how they handle he birth of THEIR child.

Butt out or be prepared to permanently damage your relationship with them.

cbeebiesatemybrain · 29/12/2012 13:24

Maybe she booked that date because she was hoping for her baby to share a birthday with his/her dgm, that would be a wonderful birthday present for your mum. Or maybe she chose the later slot because she wanted to give herself chance to go into labour naturally before the induction or to give the induction a better chance of working and being less likely to need intervention.

At least you know in advance so you have chance to plan around their absence.

Hopeandbluebells · 29/12/2012 13:24

Haven't read the whole thread so apologies I this has already been suggested but couldn't your mum go and see her new dgc in the evening? That would be a nice birthday present I would have thought.

You do realise this means the baby and your mum will share a birthday and there may be many more birthday celebration issues in years to come? I think you need to just accept it and move on tbh, a birthday doesn't have to be celebrated on the day.

ILoveSaladReallyIDo · 29/12/2012 13:26

my four year old can cope if his birthday isn't on his actual birth date and some other more convenient time during his birthday week - usually nearest weekend! you MIL is an adult! have it the day before!

sudaname · 29/12/2012 13:28

I'm with you Grumpy. You are not alone Smile. She didnt consult the father of the child about the date he/she could be born yet diversely she (quite rightfully- dont get me wrong ! ) wants his presence and support throughout the induction/birth. Does make me wonder why she didnt consult him.

Grin
MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 29/12/2012 13:36

If she booked the earlier date (and its presumably not much earlier) then your brother wouldn't be sodding off and leaving her to go to a party when his child a few days old.

I think selfish SIL is exactly the right name for you.

IneedAsockamnesty · 29/12/2012 13:39

Wtf is going on around here at the moment?

It's all gone to the dogs THE DOGS I say Grin

Oh op yabu

apachepony · 29/12/2012 13:40

Yabvu. But then I don't really get adults who make a huge fuss about their birthday, everyone I know is well capable of moving birthday celebrations a few days depending on what suits. Childbirth after a high risk pregnancy is manifestly a much bigger priority! No wonder your sil doesn't like you, and if your mother seriously has an attitude about this, I wouldn't hold great hopes for her relationship with her grandchild.

Original poster
Selfishsil · 29/12/2012 13:43

For those of you asking yes I do have children myself.

My brother was the one who organised the party (he asked me to help as I would have a better idea of what my mu would like). He got in touch with family members and was really excited at the prospect of making mum feel special on her birthday. He even laid down a hefty deposit on the restaurant because I couldn't afford to go half with him. SIL knew about the party.
My brother is rightly annoyed that she booked an induction date without him, he didn't even know she was having a consultation that day! He really wantd to be there to see mum's face when she found out that she would be seeing certain family members she hasn't seen in a long time.
I still don't see what is so wrong with him leaving her for an hour in a hospital before the induction takes place, SIL's mum will be there and he will be back before the consultant even gets round to seeing her!

OP posts:
Yama · 29/12/2012 13:43

Why, thank you BaronessBomburst. Smile

Original poster
Selfishsil · 29/12/2012 13:45

My mum doesn't know what is going on for her birthday

OP posts:
Toomuchturkeyatendofthedinner · 29/12/2012 13:46

I notice the VU OP has not returned to the thread .....

CheckpointCharlie · 29/12/2012 13:46

YABU. Very much so, I don't think I would want to be your SIL to be honest.

She is having a BABY! Of course her DH can't slip out for a bit, what she's doing is so much more important, I can't believe you are serious? Have you got children?