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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP given £1000 for Xmas but he hasn't told me

238 replies

BetteDavis01 · 28/12/2012 21:22

DP's DF came over Christmas Day and we all exchanged gifts. He gave me and DC's £100 in cash. I noticed that DP was given a cheque. He quickly glanced at it and put it in his pocket.

Later on, he took all his gifts upstairs, so I went up there and started have a nosey. The cheque was for £1000. DP hasn't said a word. I feel really pissed off. Not because I 'only' got £100 but because he hasn't told me. I hate that he is withholding something from me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
skratta · 30/12/2012 11:52

DH once got a cheque for £1500 as a shared gift from both his parents.

He didn't tell me. I found out, but didn't mention it.

Come my birthday he'd booked a great holiday for the whole family. It was a surprise and he didn't want me to say how he could have spent the money on something else etc;

Clutching at straws here, could it be something like that?

Or does he feel embarrassed?

If he looked at it and quickly put it in his pocket, then I might lean towards him being embarrassed about it?

Pantomimedam · 30/12/2012 11:54

I think the amount matters. My Dad gave me £50 for Christmas and that's definitely mine to spend. But if either dh or I got £1,000, that's something that could go towards family stuff - a holiday or a car or something really significant (probably not a whole car, but towards). The person who got the money would have the casting vote, of course, but the money is enough to give the recipient the chance of doing something that benefits the whole family, not just themselves (although I'd expect either of us to have some money for a treat for the recipient as well, unless they would really prefer it all to go on a holiday or whatever).

happyinherts · 30/12/2012 12:05

I think this thread has turned quite sad actually. Once married or in a stable partnership your Christmas gift from your father is communal knowledge. You have lost your identity, everything has to be shared or talked about or discussed. You are not allowed to have your own money as a gift from your parents to do exactly as you want with just for once because heck you have a partner. How very sad.

It's his Christmas present - amount irrelevant - it's his Christmas present. His and his alone.

jellybeans · 30/12/2012 12:10

In my family parents spend roughly the same on us both. I think it is mean for them to give your DH £1000 and you ten times less. Why not give you both £1000? Mean! YANBU.

jellybeans · 30/12/2012 12:11

'If he looked at it and quickly put it in his pocket, then I might lean towards him being embarrassed about it?'

I agree. It could be he feels bad his DF gave him all that and you much less? Most people would realise it was unfair/mean.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 30/12/2012 12:13

"You have lost your identity, everything has to be shared or talked about or discussed."

:o

What's tragic is that you think sharing your life with someone else means losing your identity.

Some of us are not so insubstantial.

happyinherts · 30/12/2012 12:15

It's not unfair or mean. If I wished to give my son £1000 for Christmas to allow him some financial freedom OR to spend on family as his wish - I would do so. I would also hope my daughter in law would welcome a £100 gift for her to do the same with. A gift is a gift without all this analysing.

tittytittyhanghang · 30/12/2012 12:19

I think amount is relevant. For those saying that they wouldn't expect their dp to share, if your dp, by some miracle (think lottery) was given a gift of a huge amount, maybe a million of half pounds, you would still be saying that it was your dp's gift to do with as they wish, and none of your business?

tittytittyhanghang · 30/12/2012 12:19

million of half? A million or a half million lol

tittytittyhanghang · 30/12/2012 12:21

And i also agree that it was mean to give you substantially less than your dp.

happyinherts · 30/12/2012 12:22

tittytittyhanghang - it was a Christmas present. Would you really feel obliged to share your Christmas presents. Lottery win is a different kettle of fish really which I think would be a bit selfish and unfair not to mention. I do feel sorry for people that have to share their Christmas gifts, don't you? It's the one time of year that something can be yours and yours alone.

ssd · 30/12/2012 12:23

of course he should tell you about it, how weird to be married and have secrets like that

jellybeans · 30/12/2012 12:24

I would give my future DILs the same as my sons. No wonder there are so many MIL/FIL issues! They are your family once they marry! Treat them equal! Even my meanie MIL gets us both something now of simelar expense. I wouldn't give MIL 1000 and FIL 100!

Binkybix · 30/12/2012 12:26

I agree that the more it is, the more likely it would be shared. For us, 1k, although extremely generous, would not be life changing. Half a million would, so we would discuss it because it would be difficult to change one person's life without the other. For example, I would probably put it towards a house, so clearly if we are to still live together I can't make that decision in isolation.

NamingOfParts · 30/12/2012 12:26

I dont see that it is sad to share, talk about or discuss something like this with your partner. That is why you are partners, because you want to share, talk about or discuss things with your partner. If not, why have a partner? Might as well just take in lodgers.

happyinherts · 30/12/2012 12:29

Aren't you allowed one day in the year, or even one day in your life (if you never got a financial gift again) to just be yourself, not a husband, a wife, a father, a mother - just you - and receive something from your parents for your Christmas present alone.

Yearly wages, budgets, outgoings, purchases of course should be shared discussed, but why a personal Christmas present from your dad.

tittytittyhanghang · 30/12/2012 12:33

What i meant was that if your pil won a life changing amount of money/was just really really rich and gifted a huge amount to your dp at Christmas, you still wouldn't expect them to share since it was a gift to them? Like i said, the amount is relative, £1000 may not be a lot to you but certainly for my family it would be treated as a huge amount.

happyinherts · 30/12/2012 12:37

£1000 is a lot of money, it's nearly a tenth of our household income but I still see a gift as a gift and not anyone else's business apart from the giver and recipient especially as a Christmas gift.

bamboostalks · 30/12/2012 12:51

I would have had a nose because I am like that. Also find it strange he didn't mention it. Would ask him though, I think. Really want you to ask him!

DontmindifIdo · 30/12/2012 13:10

no, it's not like a lottery win, that I would treat like wages, and are communal. A gift is something different.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 30/12/2012 13:14

"Aren't you allowed one day in the year, or even one day in your life (if you never got a financial gift again) to just be yourself, not a husband, a wife, a father, a mother - just you - and receive something from your parents for your Christmas present alone."

This makes no sense to me.

I'm always myself. Being a wife and mother is just a part of that, and not one I feel any need to switch off.

This is my life, that I chose, and I love it. I love the people in it, and having stuff that is mine and that I refuse to share is just totally alien to me.

If my Dad gave me a grand as a present and I kept it a secret from my family and spent it all on myself, he'd be Shock

tittytittyhanghang · 30/12/2012 13:15

DMIID, i didnt mean if dp had won lottery, but if pil had won lottery, or had a very propserous endowment, or some other financial investment came up trumps, and then at christmas gifted to their son a huge amount. Would say a gift of half a million receive the same attitude that it is dp's to do as he wishes?

Binkybix · 30/12/2012 13:21

I am always myself too. Sometimes I decide to spend money on joint things like a holiday or towards the mortgage. Sometimes I don't. Same with DH.

Doesn't it come down to the fact that whatever arrangement a couple has is fine as long as they are both genuinely happy with it, and any children don't go without?

In the OP's case there's a possibility that they don't take the same view, and that's the issue, rather than one view being wrong or one right?

Pantomimedam · 30/12/2012 13:28

Just asked dh about this and he agreed, it's very odd behaviour for someone not to tell their dp or dh/w how much the cheque is for. He always tells me if MIL has given him some money, and I do the same if my parents have given me something. If it's a small amount (and this all relevant of course, £1k would be significant to us, may be mere pocket money to the wealthy) the recipient gets to spend/save it however they like, if it's a large amount we'd discuss it between us.

Pantomimedam · 30/12/2012 13:28

not relevant, relative!

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