To make dh choose-me or his mother?

[ariane5]

11 years ago when I was 18 and very silly dh (then dp) persuaded me to get an £8000 loan out for his mum as she had a bad credit rating but needed one to pay loan sharks.
Being silly and in love I did and she refused to make the repayments, dh and I split up and I had to raise dd1 with virtually no money as I had to pay the loan.I went to small claims court and mil had to pay it back (but it took years.

We now have 4 dcs and the money situation with dhs family worse than ever.dhs brother owes us 200 pounds his sister 390 pounds, his mum has borrowed here there and everywhere from dh-how much I don't know as its all so secretive.dh works for his brother and some weeks does not get all his wages.I am in control of all the bills now as I cannot trust him and we have no money Iam really struggling and we never have treats and it is really difficult.

Dh family on the other hand ALWAYS have nice stuff-hair/nails done, sil planning a huge expensive wedding for next year and a honeymoon yet she won't pay back what she owes us? I keep asking and texting and phoning even 5 pounds a week as thatd buy a pack of nappies I'm that desperate but they ignore me.

The last straw came today when we got a debt recovery letter for dh.his mum had opened a catalogue in his name (from when he lived at home) had not paid it so now we have got the letter.I have always paid my bills and don't want to be blacklisted.

I asked dh to phone mil as its her debt she has to pay.He lost his temper saying he will not fall out with his family no matter how much they owe us.

I tried to reason with him saying that because of them me and the dcs are going without its just not fair but he will not tell his mum to pay he says she has no money etc etc.but WE have no money I cannot make him see that they are taking the piss out of him.

I'm so angry I told him to choose me and dcs or his family I can't do this any more.

He said Iam out of order making him choose and trying to tell him he can't be friends with his family he cannot see that they are just using him and he would rather see his wife and kids go without.

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

Stay strong. You have done the right thing. Yes sometimes things will get tough, but at least it will be things you have control over, not worrying about your DH/family taking your money.

As other have suggested I really think you need to make a list - you have a lot of things to sort out and a list makes things less overwhelming. As a start, and I'm sure other MNers will help with details and prioritise :

Get your DPs name removed as an occupant
Get locks changed
Pack your DPs stuff (can you send it to his mum's in a taxi?)
Check your credit rating
Speak to DWP re benefits
Speak to tax credits
Speak to CSA regarding maintenance payments
Speak to solicitor re initiating divorce proceedings, and
Speak to solicitor re formalising contact arrangements with your children

[MalibuStac]

You can do this ariane its just a lot to take in. Hope dd2 is better soon.

[aamia]

As a mum with children who receive dla you will probably qualify for carer's allowance if they get the middle or higher level. I have a friend with a child who gets dla for one dc, so she gets carer's allowance, housing benefit, council tax benefit, child benefit, dla for that child. Think that is it but there is a benefits calculator on the government website www.gov.uk/benefits-adviser . Anyway the point is that she manages fine for money and so will you :) .

[festivelyfocussed]

Ariane5 you have been amazing through all this.
You're dealing with a very difficult situation admirably and this becomes even more difficult as things appear to calm down. Ppl might suggest that you give him another chance and it can be easy to start to feel sorry for your dh,clouding your judgement. I think you'dget good advice and support from women's aid. Look them up online and you'll see links to local services.
Your children are very lucky to have you on their side.

[ariane5]

I wouldn't give him another chance.I can't do it I know the dcs would suffer it has been bad enough lately how much they have had to go without.

Tomorrow after taking dd2 to gps I will be phoning everybody I need to and sorting things out.I had carers allowance before when I was living alone (and I was much better off then as a single parent so hopefully it'll be the same now). I really thought marrying dh/living off his wages/being a family was the right thing to do, I had hoped he would change and I gave him chance after chance but he just used me for money.

I am trying to think about things in a practical sense as I don't want to feel overwhelmed and get upset as I need to keep things calm for the children but it is difficult.

[pigletmania]

You are so doing the right thing. Look forward now and makes list of things you need to do and tck them off as you go along

[pumpkinsweetieMasPudding]

Well done op, you are making positives steps in order to make a happy future for you and your dc.
Don't let any of them get you down, you are doing brilliantly x

[Jux]

Hope dd2 recovers quickly. You are doing really well. I've no doubt you'll be better off without someone leeching money off you.

Do you not get carers' allowance when you're married? I had no idea.

[Isabeller]

Read the start of your thread with concern then jumped to last page and so impressed you are dealing with the situation and being practical.

Your DCs are really lucky to have such a wonderful and determined Mum, good luck with everything x

[AllOverIt]

You're doing brilliantly OP. I hope your DD gets better soon.

[peaceandlovebunny]

keep going, ariane5. its so hard but you can do it, for a better life for yourself and your children.

[ariane5]

Having such a difficult day.

Dd still really unwell so getting anything done is a struggle.phoned council but couldn't speak to my housing officer.made couple of other phoinecalls so getting there.

Will keep trying to get things sorted and hopefully dd will get better soon so I can get properly organised .

[swallowedAfly]

just keep chipping away at it. fingers crossed for dd getting better quickly.

[ariane5]

Thankyou-off to gp again now as she has to have a blood test. So busy and overwhelmed.still no contact from dh which surprises me.

[MamaMumra]

Well done ariane5 - hope your dd is better soon.

[blackeyedsusan]

keep going. you will do it, a bit at a time.

[DPotter]

ariane5 - very best wishes for you and your children for 2013 ! Stay strong

[Jux]

Well done, ariane. Take one step at a time. You do have a lot on your plate, but this is the worst time and will be over. Just remember that "this too shall pass" mantra!

Happy new year to you.

[redexpat]

Happy New Year Ariane. I really hope things develop in the right direction. Kep us posted.

[ellee]

Thank god you've kicked the bastard out.

Thank

GOD

(And I don't say that lightly)

[ICBINEG]

happy new year and good luck with all this!

[ariane5]

Dd2 is in hospital.she has been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes

Dh is staying in with her as I couldn't stay with ds2 (he's still bf).
Has been an awful day she was so poorly and on top of all the other health problems dcs have this is just awful.
I am so unhappy.

[drjohnsonscat]

Oh so sorry. What a horrible time for you and DCs. Have no constructive advice but just posting for moral support. You are doing the right thing and things will get easier because you are obviously strong and doing all the right things although the universe is throwing all it's got at you right now. Love and strength to you and DCs.

[Jcbmgb]

Hi Ariane, I'm really sorry to hear the news about your dd, it must be a huge shock for you all and no doubt your dd must have been very poorly prior to her being admitted.
My dh has type 1 diabetes ( diagnosed quite late when he was admitted with ketoacidosis in his mid 30's)
As scary as it seems now, you and your dd will find your way through this and learn to manage the condition.
I know you must be feeling as though life is very unfair and that perhaps you can not cope but you have already proved that you are a survivor and you are able to cope with many many different challenges and still come out the other side.
You have already coped with an unhappy marriage, debt, 4 children, children with disabilities and ill health and you will find the strength to confront this new challenge too.
You need to surround yourself with people who can love and support you and for the time being close yourself off to any people who 'take' from you or drain you - concentrate on each challenge as it comes your way, deal with one thing at a time and as it occurs, you are too exhausted and fragile to try to attempt to make too many huge changes so just focus on the small ones, one at a time to make the situation more manageable.
HTH

[Pooka]

Oh poor you, and poor dd - so overwhelming for you at the moment.

No advice really, just sympathy and best wishes for a happier 2013. This time next year, things WILL be better.