To make dh choose-me or his mother?

[ariane5]

11 years ago when I was 18 and very silly dh (then dp) persuaded me to get an £8000 loan out for his mum as she had a bad credit rating but needed one to pay loan sharks.
Being silly and in love I did and she refused to make the repayments, dh and I split up and I had to raise dd1 with virtually no money as I had to pay the loan.I went to small claims court and mil had to pay it back (but it took years.

We now have 4 dcs and the money situation with dhs family worse than ever.dhs brother owes us 200 pounds his sister 390 pounds, his mum has borrowed here there and everywhere from dh-how much I don't know as its all so secretive.dh works for his brother and some weeks does not get all his wages.I am in control of all the bills now as I cannot trust him and we have no money Iam really struggling and we never have treats and it is really difficult.

Dh family on the other hand ALWAYS have nice stuff-hair/nails done, sil planning a huge expensive wedding for next year and a honeymoon yet she won't pay back what she owes us? I keep asking and texting and phoning even 5 pounds a week as thatd buy a pack of nappies I'm that desperate but they ignore me.

The last straw came today when we got a debt recovery letter for dh.his mum had opened a catalogue in his name (from when he lived at home) had not paid it so now we have got the letter.I have always paid my bills and don't want to be blacklisted.

I asked dh to phone mil as its her debt she has to pay.He lost his temper saying he will not fall out with his family no matter how much they owe us.

I tried to reason with him saying that because of them me and the dcs are going without its just not fair but he will not tell his mum to pay he says she has no money etc etc.but WE have no money I cannot make him see that they are taking the piss out of him.

I'm so angry I told him to choose me and dcs or his family I can't do this any more.

He said Iam out of order making him choose and trying to tell him he can't be friends with his family he cannot see that they are just using him and he would rather see his wife and kids go without.

[HecateQueenofWitches]

Well, he WILL go because he is not a tenant. So you can call the police and have him removed.

[SaraBellumHertz]

And to clarify he absolutely has been violent and threatening with his reaction to you today. The police will support you.

[HecateQueenofWitches]

And Sleigh is right - you have been brainwashed and manipulated.

He's turned on you now because he sees his cash cow disappearing.

Please call the police right now. He is turning nasty.

[ariane5]

I can't believe it has got so bad him telling me I have the problem not him.

I'm so glad everybody on here can see my point of view as he clearly wants to break me down untill I doubt myself.hearing here that I deserve better is keeping me sane and focused on sorting this mess out.

But I am so so sad I feel such a fool

[DorsetKnobwithJingleBellsOn]

Agree with Hecate, call the police who can remove him and change the locks.

[HecateQueenofWitches]

You are not a fool.

Just remind him that he is not on the tenancy agreement and has no right to be there if you don't want him there.

And call the police.

OR. If you think there is the slightest chance that he is going to physically attack you now, pretend to drop it, to keep yourself safe and phone the police secretly. Have them arrive to help you without him knowing they are on the way.

But whatever you do - get him out.

and PLEASE get the details of the fraud as soon as you can, any way you can.

It may be the only thing that will save you from harrassment from his family. Them knowing you have something on them that proves they committed fraud.

[DorsetKnobwithJingleBellsOn]

You might want to mention the fraud to the police as well.

[Lueji]

He's damaging your property and your belongings.

Call the police and get him out.

I did.

[glastocat]

He is a bully and a thief, and yes, you have been a fool. But you need to sort this out for the sake of your kids. Get rid of your useless leech of a husband and make a new better life away from his robbing sponging family! If you stick around for more abuse, well you can't say you didn't know what you were getting into, I can't believe you have let this drag on so long! So, time to woman up and stop being a fool!

[Brycie]

I agree completely with Hecate and glastocat - police. So many offences being committed here. And whoever said don't doubt yourself - I agree with them too. Do not doubt yourself.

[ariane5]

He has told me I am mental. That I am a piss taker because he does so much for me, things like... Folding the dcs clothes???

Also I have ruined ds bday his words to me were "Its bad enough ds only got 1 present but the arguing as well-youve just ruined his whole day you have serious issues"

I told him to get out.he has gone and it doesn't take a genius to guess where.

Well done mil your cash machine is coming home

[DorsetKnobwithJingleBellsOn]

Right, so the next step is to pack up all his stuff and have it ready fro him to take when he comes back.

[Brycie]

How can you stop him coming back if he has a key? Can you put his stuff outside for him and call the police and tell them you're worried about his reaction and have someone there?

[bigbuttons]

Oh Op you are a strong, strong woman. He is very, very abusive. I recognise alot of the twisted logic he is using. he will blame you for everything. I fell for it too. Be proud that you have woken up and taking these first steps to getting rid of him.

[swallowedAfly]

well done for getting him out OP! and well done for seeing that these are venomous lies coming out of his foul mouth. this is all him and them.

if i was you i would talk to the council and ask if there is any way they could rehouse you to another area. i would love for you to be able to start afresh away from his family. there's also the council house exchange lists and stuff. know all this is a bit 'big' but just want you to see you have more options and choices than you realise.

he is financially and emotionally abusive imo. i think you have to get rid of the idea of him as a victim of his family and you simply get hurt as part of the fallout - it is HIM! he is hurting you directly. he's an adult. he's as fucked up and toxic as the rest of them and he has been financially abusing you and bullying you since you were an 18 year old kid, pregnant and vulnerable.

yes you're in a huge mess, yes your life so far has been very messed up but it can get better IF you get rid of the source and the source is him. your life has been a nightmare for 11 years because of his presence in it. undo that and you can start again.

[Brycie]

"PLEASE gather the evidence of the fraud before you do anything and put it safe. Out of the house. Safe deposit box. This can be your protection. If they know that you have evidence of a crime and that you will turn it over to the police if they harrass you, they are more likely to leave you alone."
I agree with this.

[swallowedAfly]

i don't - he will simply say that he applied for it for her and it is totally fine with him. ergo no fraud done.

[swallowedAfly]

in terms of evidence i would log his violent behaviour today, his financial abuse historically and every single incident that occurs from now on from him or his family as proof of harassment. write down every threat, phonecall, visit etc.

[swallowedAfly]

yes - i would actually phone the police today OP - get it logged that you are scared and that he has damaged your property and his family has a history of harassing you. also call the council and beg for a locks change giving these reasons.

i think you need to act! and keep acting! you can move forward but you have to be canny and do all you can to protect yourself. no more being a mug or assuming it'll all be ok.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Well done.

There must be a financial benefit to being married, it's often advised for this reason (someone?). Does he have an obligation to you that he wouldn't otherwise?

Anyway, things will work out and at least you'll have control of the family finances.

I just feel so sad that he and his family have shown such contempt for his children for so many years.

[HecateQueenofWitches]

Good point. If it is just in his name and she can't prove he didn't agree. I suppose yes, he would lie. Although an account in his name at someone else's address? Or his name, billing account his address - but all goods to someone else and where have the statements been going? It's a grey area but you could still argue fraud. But if he says he did it, then yes, probably nothing would happen. Which is a shame.

She should get copies of her credit files and make sure there is nothing on there in her name. If there is, then she can act on that.

[HecateQueenofWitches]

I can't BELIEVE he dared to use the one present thing!

Whose bloody fault is THAT?! If he wasn't giving all the money to them, your children would have more and he DARES to throw it at you like it's your fault?

Get angry, OP. Get very bloody angry indeed.

[ariane5]

I give it 24 hours before mil starts up about their rights to see dcs.

Dd1 is 12 next year so not long just a few years till mil can brainwash her into getting a loan out as well. I don't know what I will do I don't want the same thing happening over and over again.

Would suit me if I never saw dh ever again or his family but they will insist on contact and the dcs will want to see dh but I worry for them being dragged in with this family

[swallowedAfly]

it was an account at his mum's address using his name from when he was living there. the bills have turned up at OP's address as she hasn't paid and it's now debt collection services and they've tracked down his current address. if i'm understanding it right.

[swallowedAfly]

yes but less chance of that with them living with you and you being a strong counter message to their fucked up ethos OP. your action of ending it with them will teach them clearly that no it is not ok to use and abuse people.