Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 8 9 10

Original poster

To make dh choose-me or his mother?

237 replies

ariane5 · 28/12/2012 16:18

11 years ago when I was 18 and very silly dh (then dp) persuaded me to get an £8000 loan out for his mum as she had a bad credit rating but needed one to pay loan sharks.
Being silly and in love I did and she refused to make the repayments, dh and I split up and I had to raise dd1 with virtually no money as I had to pay the loan.I went to small claims court and mil had to pay it back (but it took years.

We now have 4 dcs and the money situation with dhs family worse than ever.dhs brother owes us 200 pounds his sister 390 pounds, his mum has borrowed here there and everywhere from dh-how much I don't know as its all so secretive.dh works for his brother and some weeks does not get all his wages.I am in control of all the bills now as I cannot trust him and we have no money Iam really struggling and we never have treats and it is really difficult.

Dh family on the other hand ALWAYS have nice stuff-hair/nails done, sil planning a huge expensive wedding for next year and a honeymoon yet she won't pay back what she owes us? I keep asking and texting and phoning even 5 pounds a week as thatd buy a pack of nappies I'm that desperate but they ignore me.

The last straw came today when we got a debt recovery letter for dh.his mum had opened a catalogue in his name (from when he lived at home) had not paid it so now we have got the letter.I have always paid my bills and don't want to be blacklisted.

I asked dh to phone mil as its her debt she has to pay.He lost his temper saying he will not fall out with his family no matter how much they owe us.

I tried to reason with him saying that because of them me and the dcs are going without its just not fair but he will not tell his mum to pay he says she has no money etc etc.but WE have no money I cannot make him see that they are taking the piss out of him.

I'm so angry I told him to choose me and dcs or his family I can't do this any more.

He said Iam out of order making him choose and trying to tell him he can't be friends with his family he cannot see that they are just using him and he would rather see his wife and kids go without.

OP posts:

FestiveFiggy · 29/12/2012 15:39

Oh my god just read latest posts and I'm another one who doesn't say these things likely but I too hope for u he doesn't come back .......stay strong!!!

peaceandlovebunny · 29/12/2012 15:49

i hope you are rid of him now and can have a decent life with your children. has he actually left?

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 29/12/2012 15:52

Your husband is a cunt and I don't use that word lightly.
You are very brave op, stay strong

Astelia · 29/12/2012 16:13

Can you look to do a house exchange to get away from them? Can you move nearer your family?

You need to get away from them and build a new life.

pigletmania · 29/12/2012 16:30

Omg I have just today he is a nasty abusive bully. He needs to leave, you need to call the police if he does not. Really what you can do is empower your children to be assertive, good with money and encourage them not to lend any r be garantours for their grandparents and ther aunties and uncles.

AllOverIt · 29/12/2012 16:31

You're doing brilliantly op. good luck with the party. Keep strong

pigletmania · 29/12/2012 16:39

You have to be open and honest to them about your ex and his parents, they are going without as dad has lent them the family money

Original poster

ariane5 · 29/12/2012 16:57

The party was not great.dh came as he "had PROMISED ds he would be there" .It was at my mums house as my house teeny.My mum thought it was fine for dh to be there and was telling me how dh must be feeling so bad and that he will change.

I sat in the box room with the baby for a bit, couldn't even look at or speak to dh.Rest of the party I pretty much ignored him then he went back to his mums and said he will phone me next week to "talk when things have calmed down"

I will not be changing my mind.and so what if he is embarassed like my mum thinks.So he should be.

OP posts:

mumagain38 · 29/12/2012 16:58

Hope ur ok ariane! This part is very hard to deal with, to stay strong and when the dust settles its even harder to keep that resolve when he comes back with his tail between his legs..which he will do and genuinly mean it totill the next time! I understand of a sort what ur going through after being in a emotional and physical abuse relationship. leaving was the hardest thing ive EVER done in my whloe life as i still actually loved him but knew deep down things would never change. I think the grabbing of the stair gate sounds like sheer frustraition that u cant see his point-which is why u need to seperate as ur both on different pages and what ever u say wont be absorbed. When u do emerge from this (albeit emotionaly battered and bruised) u will feel like a new woman and wonder why you put up with it for so long. I promise! As for the kids...set up a court order for every weekend or what evers best. Tell DP MIL that ur just letting the dust lie with the kids are they are upset. change ur mobile and just contact Dp on email and change locks. There is light at the end of tunnel honey!! pick urself up brush urself off and start new year year as u mean to go on.....free! xxx

pigletmania · 29/12/2012 17:03

There is nothing to talk about he is an abusive bully, he has shown his true colours. If you want your wretched situation to change for the better a life without him is best, so please don't go back to him

Original poster

ariane5 · 29/12/2012 17:07

I will not be letting him come back.

I think I will have no choice but to let him see dcs.I can live with that but it will be strictly on my terms.

I do not work (dcs have health problems) not sure what I will do about money.I have been on IS previously but was not married then so not sure what I will need to do as obviously will need proof we are no longer together? Or is dh expected to support us? I don't think he would be able to given his interesting finances?

OP posts:

MalibuStac · 29/12/2012 17:16

Read all the thread and totally agree with your decision to tell him to leave. He's never going to change.

Regarding benefits you have to call dwp (number online) apply for income support/housing benefit/council tax benefit. Due to your children having a disability you will be entitiled to carers allowance. You'll have to contact tax credits office but you will also be entitled to money from them. To be honest given that your scrimping so much you'll probs find your better off.

Good luck with the future and stay strong. He doesn't deserve you all.

swallowedAfly · 29/12/2012 17:22

that's why i said call the council and get his name removed as an occupant - tell them you have separated and you need a new lease proving he does not live there as he has been running up debts. you can call tax credits people, benefits office etc on monday and tell them you have split up and he is no longer living there and they will make the adjustments to your benefits - tax credits will go up and you will be entitled to (presumably full) housing benefit and council tax benefit. make a list of people you need to call monday.

i've lived on incapacity benefit and child tax credits, HB etc before (for quite a while, only recently gone back to work) and it's doable with a child - yours will all be far higher because you have four children and they all qualify for disability elements and you won't have to go on to income support if you are their carer -but if you do you have children under five anyway so there'll be no hassle to work for now. you have your hands full enough.

i promise you finances will be ok - i'm willing to bet you will be far better off once you're up and running and in total control of the finances.

Shelby2010 · 29/12/2012 17:30

I'm sure other posters know more about this, but I think you should see a solicitor (or Citizens' Advice) due to you being liable for DH's debts if you are married. My understanding is that you may need to become legally separated before you can untangle your finances from his.

Moominsarescary · 29/12/2012 17:30

I remember when me and xh split his solicitor arranged some sort of financial thing for me to sign so exh wouldn't be responsible for any debt I got into.

Funny as he was the one in debt not me

ratbagcatbag · 29/12/2012 17:38

My dad was like this and he left us with tons of debt (20k plus) even though mum was married to him but as she was on disability benefit the only debt she was liable for was the one shed jointly signed for, everybody else left her alone.

Agree with other who say go onto experian later and download your report, it will show you your stuff and ex DH stuff too, so at least you know if there's anything else lurking.

My mum was and is tons happier now she has control over everything. Good luck

Jux · 29/12/2012 18:24

Yes, get a solicitor as soon as you can to get finances untangled. The experian report will help with that, you will see exactly what has your name on it. Try to get that done before you speak to xh.

Add up all the debts his family have racked up with you, and any other debts there may be which are brought to light by your credit report. Once you know the full scale of the damage you would be able to talk to your xh. Personally, I would tell him that until all of it is repaid you will not even start considering any sort of reconciliation.

I would also be talking to the solicitor about supervised contact for the children. Remember too, that it is their right to see yheir father, not his to see them. (And the rest of his family have no rights at all, so don't let them bully you. If they try, just hang up. If they continue, call the police.)

nkf · 29/12/2012 18:25

You need to get planning now. Write a list. You have lots to do but it will be so worth it. Good luck.

cees · 29/12/2012 18:43

You can do this for yourself and those lovely children of yours, stay strong.

mumagain38 · 29/12/2012 19:26

Agree with jux!!! Xx

buildingmycorestrength · 29/12/2012 19:41

ariane, you are doing great. What a day! You must be exhausted.

You do need to do some planning, but you also need to make sure your mum understands what is going on and stops trying to smooth everything over. She may find this hard too, and (I don't know you at all of course, so take this with a slug of salt) may in fact be a role model for your earlier acceptance of an abusive situation. So just be aware that she might not just 'get it' right away.

Also, think you need to just run a bath and have a glass of wine/cup of tea and pat yourself on the back. This is the first step in a long journey towards a better life and you will need your strength. If you pray, get praying! If you have an old friend who might understand, call them. If anyone has ever given you a sign that they will support you in rough times, call it in.

Thinking of you.

MalibuStac · 30/12/2012 14:22

Are you ok Ariane?

Original poster

ariane5 · 30/12/2012 14:57

Not having a good day, dd2 unwell and Iam really tired and stressed.

OP posts:

swallowedAfly · 30/12/2012 15:23

school holidays, christmas, break-up, etc etc all at once. bound to be tough. it will get easier. even a week from now will be easier than today because some of your children will be at school. try not to despair x

Original poster

ariane5 · 30/12/2012 15:48

I think it all seems too much to deal with because I've had no sleep again due to dd2 being unwell.

I'm hoping she will be better soon and then I can get some sort of routine back in place and start sorting things out.I have a lot to do tomorrow phoning council/benefits etc.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 8 9 10