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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make dh choose-me or his mother?

237 replies

ariane5 · 28/12/2012 16:18

11 years ago when I was 18 and very silly dh (then dp) persuaded me to get an £8000 loan out for his mum as she had a bad credit rating but needed one to pay loan sharks.
Being silly and in love I did and she refused to make the repayments, dh and I split up and I had to raise dd1 with virtually no money as I had to pay the loan.I went to small claims court and mil had to pay it back (but it took years.

We now have 4 dcs and the money situation with dhs family worse than ever.dhs brother owes us 200 pounds his sister 390 pounds, his mum has borrowed here there and everywhere from dh-how much I don't know as its all so secretive.dh works for his brother and some weeks does not get all his wages.I am in control of all the bills now as I cannot trust him and we have no money Iam really struggling and we never have treats and it is really difficult.

Dh family on the other hand ALWAYS have nice stuff-hair/nails done, sil planning a huge expensive wedding for next year and a honeymoon yet she won't pay back what she owes us? I keep asking and texting and phoning even 5 pounds a week as thatd buy a pack of nappies I'm that desperate but they ignore me.

The last straw came today when we got a debt recovery letter for dh.his mum had opened a catalogue in his name (from when he lived at home) had not paid it so now we have got the letter.I have always paid my bills and don't want to be blacklisted.

I asked dh to phone mil as its her debt she has to pay.He lost his temper saying he will not fall out with his family no matter how much they owe us.

I tried to reason with him saying that because of them me and the dcs are going without its just not fair but he will not tell his mum to pay he says she has no money etc etc.but WE have no money I cannot make him see that they are taking the piss out of him.

I'm so angry I told him to choose me and dcs or his family I can't do this any more.

He said Iam out of order making him choose and trying to tell him he can't be friends with his family he cannot see that they are just using him and he would rather see his wife and kids go without.

OP posts:
HecateQueenofWitches · 29/12/2012 10:29

Ah. Tricky then.

ariane - I'd seriously consider moving to the other end of the bloody country. and I don't advise such things lightly.

And you have to do whatever you have to do to ensure no brainwashing.

And that may mean reaching a point when you tell your children what happened.

I know you are supposed to protect your children from ever knowing a relative is a bad person blah blah blah, but if they are at risk of financial abuse - they need protecting and that overrides any perceived 'obligation' to paint a shitty person as a good one.

Original poster
ariane5 · 29/12/2012 10:30

Yes swallowed that is right they've ob checked electoral register and tracked him to here.

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 29/12/2012 10:30

if you don't want to feel like an idiot anymore or for the rest of your life to be like this you need to find your big girls knickers, pull them up and start acting like you mean it now.

you're not a vulnerable kid anymore. you are an adult woman with 4 kids to raise. they will assume that they can bully the sucker into whatever they want still - you have to prove and show that that isn't the case.

PLEASE call the police and the council today - start acting and drawing a line in the sand you can't come back from.

swallowedAfly · 29/12/2012 10:32

oh and call the debt collector people of the catalogue and inform them his address is at his mother's now as you've kicked him out. get your tenancy agreement updated with him removed as an occupant and then you can provide that to anyone who comes looking for money in his name.

swallowedAfly · 29/12/2012 10:33

sorry if i sound awfully bossy but please, please ACT. make a list and do all of this. you will feel stronger with every action you take and you will building boundaries and reinforcements that protect you from them.

Chesntoots · 29/12/2012 10:45

I'm sorry you are going through this.
I would get his stuff out ASAP and get the locks changed (this is what those credit cards of yours are for!!).
You haven't ruined anything - he has. As for the one parent thing, in a way he was right - they only have you as a proper parent. He is a useless oxygen thief.
Don't worry about the MIL. Adults have no "rights", it is about what is best for the children.
Its going to be rocky but I get the feeling you have reached that place where everything becomes clear and you know what you have to do.
Take care, keep posting, we are here x

VodkaJelly · 29/12/2012 10:58

ariane5 you have been given some really good advice but also some duff advice.

There is no point in calling the police or the debt collectors about this catalogue debt. The debt is in your husbands name and only HE can lodge a complaint about identity theft. The baliffs will not even talk to you about the debt as it is not in your name. Again, only your husband can sort this by filing an identity theft case with the police - will he do this against his own mother?

As for collecting documentation about this fraud and producing in case of court, there is no point in doing this. All that will happen is you produce the documents and your husband will say that he opened the account and let his mum use it. so there is no theft or anything. And you will come across as some one trying to cause trouble and a bitter ex (I know you are not!)

Dont even ring the baliffs to give them his mums address again as they will not listen to you, the debt is in your husbands name and they have tracked him down. His mum must have been sending the letters as "Return to Sender" or "not at this address" for them to do this, a debt collection letter is not going to suddenly turn up unless the mother has been returning the letters.

Next time a letter comes to your house return it to sender and put his mother address back on there.

Original poster
ariane5 · 29/12/2012 11:17

I will be back on here later, it is ds1 birthday party this afternoon so I have to get a few bits ready, pick up cake etc.

Really don't know how I will get through the party I don't want anybody to notice something is wrong as I can't handle questions I just feel like hiding in bed and crying I am drained and exhausted.

OP posts:
Jux · 29/12/2012 11:22

Don't worry too much about mil's possible use of your children as they get older. I think that in a couple of years , possibly even now - depending upon what your dd is like - you could tell her what has happened, about the debt, about you all going without while mil and sil live the high life etc. You do need to tell your children the truth both in order to educate them and to protect them.

Under 'normal' circumstances, telling children that their parents "grew apart" or otherwise glossing it over might be the done thing, but your children do need to be absolutely clear about the way their extended family behave.

SugaricePlumFairy · 29/12/2012 11:22

Well done OP for getting him out.

I can't offer any legal advice, just online support Smile.

Stay strong..

Sallyingforth · 29/12/2012 11:24

Keep your spirits up ariane, you are on your way to a better life without the financial drain of your hopefully ex-inlaws. It's great to see that you are carrying on with the DC party - they are the priority in all of this.

vodka gives you excellent advice above. Good luck!

MrsFlibble · 29/12/2012 11:27

Oh Ariane tell Hubby that the reason DS only has one present is because of him and his family, dont be afraid to say it to all of them.

HecateQueenofWitches · 29/12/2012 12:43

Yes. It was a bit duff, sorry about that. I hadn't considered that although it is clear to me that it's fraud (you aren't supposed to get credit for yourself in someone else's bloody name! and he claimed to the OP he didn't know, etc), she wouldn't actually be able to prove it cos the arsehole would just lie. Was just hoping to think of something she could use to give herself something to be able to fend them off a bit.

I still think she should get her own credit report though. Make sure there's nothing on there that shouldn't be. THAT she would be able to prove.

nkf · 29/12/2012 12:54

I think the fact that he's gone is wonderful. It sounds like a nightmare. Time to take total control of the money. No reason why he or his familiy can't see the children. They just can't have any money off anyone. Do you have all the income/rent money in your name? I think there is something you can do to clarify with creditors that you no longer have legal responsibility for his debts. Not sure what it is but someone in Legal might be able to help.

VodkaJelly · 29/12/2012 12:57

Hecate I totally agree, ariane should get a credit report in her name to make sure nothing suspect is going on there.

Unfortunately ariane cannot prove fraud, only her husband can do that and it doesnt sound like something he is willing to do, even at the cost of his marriage. She is well rid of the arsehole.

bringbacksideburns · 29/12/2012 14:31

You have done the right thing OP.

Onwards and upwards - listen to the advice here and post on Legal Matters about the children on here too. It's good you don't have a mortgage together.
Get a complete rundown of your ingoings and outgoings and the true state of your finances with the money owed by them. Send it to him and say you have had enough of watching your children go without at the expense of his family, and you've been a mug for long enough.
From now on it can be his problem and he can stay with his mother.
This way it's only a matter of time before he is blacklisted everywhere.

nkf · 29/12/2012 14:46

Is there a way of getting money back that has been lent within the family? I did wonder if too much energy has been expended on texts/calls.

Original poster
ariane5 · 29/12/2012 14:55

I do not think they will pay back what they owe-these debts go back years I have asked repeatedly-they promise to pay then never turn up with the money.There seems to be no point me asking they simply ignore it.

I don't expect I will get any of it back.At least I know there will not be anymore now though.If they borrow from dh that's entirely his problem now.

OP posts:
nkf · 29/12/2012 14:57

I think you are right. You have to let the money go. Annoying but there it is. At least it's over. All your money is now for you and your children.

Jux · 29/12/2012 15:14

You need to arrange to see a solicitor to ensure that you are financially separated. You need to do this asap.

Have you heard from him?

How are you doing today?

mrslaughan · 29/12/2012 15:25

Don't say anything to DH again, Call the police - tell them your husband has been physically threatening, that you want him to leave, but as he ripped the stair gate off the door, you are too scared to ask again, but you want him to move out and he is not listening. Say you need support to get him out of the house - and ask them to come and help.
Tell them the lease is in your name.

This is the best present you could give DS - given your husbands family. Your husband sounds a bully.

Can you afford to have the locks changed?

AyeOopMoose · 29/12/2012 15:30

OP, it's not often I post on threads like this as others have more experience and say things better.

But I had to say this, you commented on your low self-esteem? I think you are AMAZING for taking a stand and telling your H to leave. It must have been hard to do but you found the strength to do it.

It's the first step in getting you and your DCs sorted. FWIW I would look to move asap, as others have suggested. You all deserve a fresh start and you know deep down you can do it.

juniperdewdrop · 29/12/2012 15:32

Just read through your posts OP. So sorry you've been so duped. Looks like he's as bad as them. You're well rid. Do you have many RL friends to support you?

Keep posting on here for support. Well done for seeing sense. You haven't been a fool you were in love, it can make us see things through rose tinted glasses. Yours are clear now though and it will get better soon.

If they hassle you though, including 'd'h then call the police.

juniperdewdrop · 29/12/2012 15:32

Agree with AyeOopMoose you are amazing.

DollyTwat · 29/12/2012 15:35

Op is is possible your dh has borrowed money from them and not told you and that's why they won't pay you back? Or have they given the money to him?

Just thinking there may be way more you don't know about for them to feel entitled to take your money like that