To make dh choose-me or his mother?

[ariane5]

11 years ago when I was 18 and very silly dh (then dp) persuaded me to get an £8000 loan out for his mum as she had a bad credit rating but needed one to pay loan sharks.
Being silly and in love I did and she refused to make the repayments, dh and I split up and I had to raise dd1 with virtually no money as I had to pay the loan.I went to small claims court and mil had to pay it back (but it took years.

We now have 4 dcs and the money situation with dhs family worse than ever.dhs brother owes us 200 pounds his sister 390 pounds, his mum has borrowed here there and everywhere from dh-how much I don't know as its all so secretive.dh works for his brother and some weeks does not get all his wages.I am in control of all the bills now as I cannot trust him and we have no money Iam really struggling and we never have treats and it is really difficult.

Dh family on the other hand ALWAYS have nice stuff-hair/nails done, sil planning a huge expensive wedding for next year and a honeymoon yet she won't pay back what she owes us? I keep asking and texting and phoning even 5 pounds a week as thatd buy a pack of nappies I'm that desperate but they ignore me.

The last straw came today when we got a debt recovery letter for dh.his mum had opened a catalogue in his name (from when he lived at home) had not paid it so now we have got the letter.I have always paid my bills and don't want to be blacklisted.

I asked dh to phone mil as its her debt she has to pay.He lost his temper saying he will not fall out with his family no matter how much they owe us.

I tried to reason with him saying that because of them me and the dcs are going without its just not fair but he will not tell his mum to pay he says she has no money etc etc.but WE have no money I cannot make him see that they are taking the piss out of him.

I'm so angry I told him to choose me and dcs or his family I can't do this any more.

He said Iam out of order making him choose and trying to tell him he can't be friends with his family he cannot see that they are just using him and he would rather see his wife and kids go without.

[MrsFlibble]

Kick him out, and tell him in the most venomous tone, "Your pathetic as a man, a husband and father, and we do not now or will ever you" just so he knows you mean business.

Tell him to fuck off back to his mothers, and you will inform the companies of were he is living.

[MrsFlibble]

*need

[Longdistance]

You know what you have to do. He's treated you appallingly, and put his mum, bro and sis first before his own family and wife.

I really feel for your dc in all this. Thy deserve better, and only you can make that move or them, and for your own sanity.

It seems like you're in a vicious circle, he makes the promises, breaks them, then nothing happens.

Wrt the mil catalogue, I'd do as pp post suggested and make copies of any letters, give her the chance to pay, or report her for fraud.

She sounds evil btw. Horrid horrid woman!

[Hegsy]

Yanbu get rid. I feel so sad for you :(

[lottiegarbanzo]

You posted about your wedding didn't you, how it had to be on a shoestring yet SiL was planning something extravagant, in part with your money. At that point thre were 'loans' of many thousands of pounds that various family members were never going to pay back and your DH would not ask them. He kept promising no more then taking out new credit cards to give them money.

In a way marrying him was a good idea because it means he'll have to pay a regular amount to support the children. That assessment might shake him up a bit, if it's based on stated income and does not take account of informal loans and random gifts (probably does include debt, I don't know how it's worked out).

You clearly have your head screwed on, with the house, accounts etc, so will be ok.

[RedHelenB]

Yes but OP's husband works for his brother! I can see finances getting very messy.

[SleighbellsRingInYourLife]

"In a way marrying him was a good idea because it means he'll have to pay a regular amount to support the children."

He would have had to do that anyway.

Marriage has just meant that now he can take out debts the OP will be legally liable for.

And he knows it.

[ChristmasSpiritEndorphins]

Sometimes love isn't enough. I don't think he nor his family will ever change.
I'm sorry he let you down over and over, and wish you luck in the future.

[Lueji]

Adding to what Sleigh said, the sooner you separate the better.

[ariane5]

Yes I had posted before about the wedding, we had such a small budget and it was really difficult, to then hear about sil plans for a 20k plus wedding made my blood boil.
Getting money back off dh family is like getting blood from a stone sometimes they would give the odd 5 or10 pound but the last few months they have ignored every phone call/ text about it.

Dh finances will def become difficult, bil is a sneaky nasty piece of work and if he can pay him cash/fiddle wage slips I expect he would to avoid all the family money (as they see it) being given to me for dcs.

I tried so hard to change dh, to show him how you pay bills first and if you have anything left that's when you can treat yourself etc but his family want a lifestyle they cannot afford.

[pumpkinsweetieMasPudding]

My dhs family are toxic, but just no way would i be able to deal with this.
The sooner you make the break, the better.
They are milking you both dry, you are going without, whilst they are rolling in it at your expense.

[HecateQueenofWitches]

PLEASE gather the evidence of the fraud before you do anything and put it safe. Out of the house. Safe deposit box.

This can be your protection. If they know that you have evidence of a crime and that you will turn it over to the police if they harrass you, they are more likely to leave you alone.

[ariane5]

Just had a massive argument with dh.apparently I am ruining xmas/ds birthday by going on about it dh has shouted in my face ripped the stairgate from the kitchen doorway and said I don't care about ds because I'm moaning on his bday.

He will not go.he said he will not fall out with his family and Iam in the wrong.what have I done to deserve this.I shouldn't have mentioned it today but he's annoying me trying to act like everythings normal I want him to go

[OpheliasWeepingWillow]

He has chosen his family over you already

[OpheliasWeepingWillow]

Ok massive red flag on the ripping out the stair gate. Can you get him to leave?

[ariane5]

Just had a massive argument with dh.apparently I am ruining xmas/ds birthday by going on about it dh has shouted in my face ripped the stairgate from the kitchen doorway and said I don't care about ds because I'm moaning on his bday.

He will not go.he said he will not fall out with his family and Iam in the wrong.what have I done to deserve this.I shouldn't have mentioned it today but he's annoying me trying to act like everythings normal I want him to go

[biff23]

Be strong. He has no love or respect for you and your children. You should always be his priority, he puts his family first though and he'll never change now.

I'd do as someone else suggested, contact the catalogue co and advise them. I'd then get him out the house, he'll plod along and continue to bully you unless you do.

[Suzietastic]

You've put up with it for 11 years. I think you are a saint. You may well be 'moaning' on DS's birthday but at least you aren't smashing the house up. If the house is in your name I imagine you can take steps to have him removed. I'm not an expert of course.

Someone earlier mentioned getting an experion or equifax report. This will detail all credit accounts in your name soyou will be able to see if any have been opened fraudulently & take steps to deal with them.

I'm so sad for you. Be strong. Unlike your 'D'H who sounds like a spineless prick x

[ariane5]

He won't go says its ds1 bday which apparently I'm ruining. Probably true but its been knawing away at me all night.

Apparently I "need help as I can't let go of things or help people out" he says all I do is moan about money.He only sees me as the bad one he's been brainwashed I can't believe how awful things are.

[ariane5]

He has said that catalogue in his name he will pay it for her its his choice to.he didn't know about it but doesn't mind-its his mum after all.

He doesn't think that him having a bad credit score at my address matters

[SleighbellsRingInYourLife]

He's an abusive bully.

Can't you see that?

The council could, which is why they told you not to out him on the tenancy.

That is your house.

You can call the police to get him removed if he won't go.

[Lovecat]

He ripped out a stairgate and yet you are somehow ruining your DS's birthday??

I've just read this thread from start to finish and am that he can treat his OWN children like this - does he not think of them as his family?

I'd call the police. This is violent, threatening behaviour, he's not on the tenancy, call the police and get rid.

So sorry you're having to go through this.

[SaraBellumHertz]

Tell him again to leave - your DS's day is not ruined, but the rest of hisife will be severely impacted if you continue to put up with this.

You need to separate so you can start to disentangle yourself from this financial mess. If he is being violent or threatening then call the police and have him removed.

You can do this - you sound sensible and capable of great strength when not beaten diwn by a family of low life's

[sparkle12mar08]

OFFS, just get out, get out now. Of the whole sorry mess. If the tenancy is in your name, call the police and get him evicted. Move on by yourself. If the account is in your name don't give him anything from it. You have hundreds of options. USE them!!!

[SleighbellsRingInYourLife]

He hasn't been brainwashed!

You have.

You actually buy all this bullshit about him being generous?

He is just the same as the rest of his family.

He steals from you and lies to you and bullies you and has convinced you that you are in the wrong for objecting to that.

Get rid of him. And sever your financial ties ASAP

He will ruin you. In fact, he already has.