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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that dc godparents left Xmas gifts in a carrier bag on the door handle when we where blatantly in?

153 replies

Whitegrenache · 26/12/2012 13:33

Picked the godparents 6 and 3 years ago when dc were born, as they were very close friends and neighbours and had similar values and life's to us and we thought they would be an excellent influence on their life's and their children older than mine are lovely kids.
We spent a lot of time together as family's and separately too.

I was very close to the godmother and we were very good friends who spend time together. Godfather was also very close to dp and all was well.

Over the last few years we have had less and less contact with them, to the point where we never see them apart from exchanging gifts at xmas and easter etc, which is more obligation than anything else.
I have tried many time to rekindle the relationship by inviting them in for coffee, for meals, out for drink etc to be told that there are too busy etc. or on one occasion when I left a message with their teenage daughter inviting them for a meal, the godmother did not even reply to the invite which I thought was rude.

Now I think it is obviously either I or we have pissed them off as they clearly want nothing to do with us.

This upsets me, but I am so scared to ask them outright and my dp thinks I should not worry about it and to accept they want nothing to do with us anymore.
I feel sad about this, and to be honest I was deliberating about calling around to see them and to try to ask what the issues was and try to make amends, but I am too much of a chicken if I am honest.

But then I think that if they have exited us out of their life's, then I need to accept that?
When I got the gifts on the door for the children yesterday which where hung on the door outside when it was obvious we were in really upset me, as I would rather they had a relationship with my dc rather than leave a gift iykwim?

I can't help thinking that I must have been a right cow over the years to make them exit us out of their life's.....

I am therefore BVU to be upset about this aren't I??

Hit me with it ladies

OP posts:
LoopsInHoops · 26/12/2012 13:36

Not unreasonable to be upset, but you should really say something if it upsets you.

('lives' not 'life's by the way :) )

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 26/12/2012 13:37

Why are you scared to ask them?

They're already removing themselves from your life and you don't know why.

You must spend time wondering why, perhaps trying to come up with reasons?

How could knowing why be worse than that?

I agree with your partner that you need to just accept that they don't want to be in your life. But I also know that it's easier to do that when you understand why. Otherwise it feels like unfinished business.

If you can put them out of your head and never worry or spend time thinking why they are behaving like this, then do that. Otherwise, perhaps write to them or call them and be very straightforward. I have noticed that you.... and I wondered why that was...

Iggly · 26/12/2012 13:39

Ask them. You can do it email if that's easier?

EllieArroway · 26/12/2012 13:39

It seems a little odd to me that they would bother buying gifts for children they want nothing to do with - whether it's godchildren or not.

Are you both very religious so that the godparenting thing means more than it would to people less so?

No, I doubt you've been a "right cow". People can be strange when it comes to friendships. Honestly, let it go, I would.

peaceandlovebunny · 26/12/2012 13:40

let it go. let them go. you can show the horse the water...

if they don't want to be with you, they don't.

if you want to give it a last try, invite them for lunch on a specific date, to say thank you for the gifts. if they don't come, consider that the end.

OlaRapaceFru · 26/12/2012 13:41

Re the message with the teenage daughter inviting them for dinner, my first thought it that the DD forgot all about it - or only remembered when it was too late for them to RSVP.

I wonder if they didn't want to knock yesterday, assuming that you were busy with your family Christmas Day and that they didn't want you thinking they were rude turning up on the spur of the moment on Christmas morning.

But you could always ask, tactfully, when you phone them to thank for the presents. They can't think that badly of you if they're still bringing presents.

HormonalHousewife · 26/12/2012 13:41

I can understand why you are feeling a bit upset about this but from another side if I was in a rush to be somewhere else and i didnt want to see someone particularly (as it would lead to coffee chat 2 hours etc ) then I could quite easily be the person who did a drop and run

Saccrofolium · 26/12/2012 13:42

If they didnt want to be in your life they wouldn't have left presents. People's relationships go through phases and just because you're not as close as you were or they aren't behaving in the way you would like, doesn't actually mean that they're stepping away deliberately, they might be just focussing on other things, so maybe stop making it all about you?
FWIW not everyone wants to have a close relationship with their godchildren, especially if you don't have children of the same age. Much as I love my own kids I find other people's small ones pretty tedious especially if my relationship is with their mum, not them!
And although I don't want to tar all teenagers with the same brush, in my experience they might not be the best source of relaying phone messages...,

Original poster
Whitegrenache · 26/12/2012 13:47

Thanks all, I did think about the rushing around to be too busy to knock on the door.

I also aknowledge that I need to let it go, and I can for the most part, but we move in similar circles and they are our nearest neighbours in a rural community so I can't move on as I keep getting reminded about our lost friendship every so often when I bump into their children at various horsey events. The thing that upsets me so much is that my dd absolutely adores their children and keeps asking to see them Sad ds is too young to even notice.

Dp and the godfather Would bump into each other in the pub and everything would be fine as if nothing happened but that's men for you eh!

We are not religious but I picked them to be godparents to have a positive impact on on our children's lives.

Do you think a letter is a cop out?

OP posts:
MrsJREwing · 26/12/2012 13:47

My dd Godfathers wife keeps sending her a token gift, they want nothing to do with her yet ease themselves by sending a gift to a child abandoned by their friend they abandoned and upset the child at christmas of all the adults who continue to abandon her.

It's ok though as long as Godfather feels ok about himself Hmm

Original poster
Whitegrenache · 26/12/2012 13:50

The teenager did pass on the message as I rang again on the day I had invited them on to see if she did get the message, and the teenager again told me she had passed the messgae on but her mum was out again and teenager told me they were not coming.

Godmother then texted that night and said they were too busy. To which I replied that a text of "no thanks"would have been polite

OP posts:
everlong · 26/12/2012 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dequoisagitil · 26/12/2012 14:01

Don't write a letter. It is too easy to get the tone wrong or have them misread it, plus you can't rephrase it or explain what you really meant if you do misword something.

Go and have a chat if you need to know what's going on. They live nearby, drop in a bottle of wine or something and ask if you've done something to offend them.

MrsJREwing · 26/12/2012 14:04

It is probably all about them and what is going on for them or a misunderstanding as you seem open to it being you, an awars person selfblaming as you are makes me think it is about them.

Send the presents back and say your kids need people not toys in their life.

I tried this and got a nasty email quoting twisted lies they got of the ex, I refused to sign for a gift they sent a card with a voucher this year, they are determined to cause harm to a child, fucking pair of weirdo's like the Godparents your kids have.

everlong · 26/12/2012 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Saccrofolium · 26/12/2012 14:14

I'm sorry but you do sound awfully prickly! What if their lives are just moving in a different direction and it 's not about you? Is that possible?
And I'd be backing away of I got a text like yours from a friend if I'd declined dinner invitation!

everlong · 26/12/2012 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jamdonut · 26/12/2012 14:20

My thoughts exactly, Saccro!

MrsJREwing · 26/12/2012 14:21

I don't think you sound prickly OP, confused and hurt and what are you expected to do in stat state from formally close friends, oh yes behave perfectly Hmm

everlong · 26/12/2012 14:28

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MariahScarey · 26/12/2012 14:30

Maybe they're over small kids chaos etc?

Original poster
Whitegrenache · 26/12/2012 14:31

Oh the the text WAS prickly!! I thought her ignoring an invitation to Sunday lunch was very rude so I meant it!

But having said that I would be totally prepared to forgive all if we can move forward

OP posts:
Saccrofolium · 26/12/2012 14:36

What Mariahscary said.

Original poster
Whitegrenache · 26/12/2012 14:37

Can't think of anything that I have done, I can be outspoken (bubbly!!) but they knew that for the years before dc were born...

We always payed our way, kids would have been too young to upset them, raked brains but can't think

OP posts:
everlong · 26/12/2012 14:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.