to think that my sister is too soft with her daughter

[pinkandred]

Ive cooked xmas dinner today for 15. 9adults and 6 children. My sisters daughter is 7 and has a gluten intollerance. Aside from that, she basically seems to eat when she feels like it. She has no set mealtimes and if she doesnt fancy eating at normal family mealtimes she carries on playing and they will cook for her when she decides she's hungry.

For xmas dinner today, I had bought and cooked separate gluten free food that looks exactly the same as everyone elses food on the plate. She decided she didnt want any of it and left the table to go and play on the wii. My sister and her dh didnt say anything and continued to eat. She asked me to put the wii on but I refused and said I would put it on when everyone had finished their xmas dinner. I asked her dd to come back in and to at least try some of the turkey but she refused. My sister then told her that she could play on the ipad until xmas dinner was finished and then aunty xxx (me) would put the wii on for her.

Straight after dinner when all the clearing up had been done, she complained she was hungry and asked me for the desert (which, again, I had bought alternative gluten free desert for her). She didnt eat that either and proceeded to eat handfuls of nuts and haribos.

I'm completely pissed off that I spent money on gluten free food which I should have known she wouldnt eat. But then for her to be allowed to leave the table and play on the wii when the other children were sat well behaved eating their dinner really annoyed me. We have an open plan living/kitchen area so the other children could see her playing.

This is exactly why we dont have christmas dinner. Its too long for most children, they have stuffed on choc/sweets stuff already before dinner so dont want to eat and then are expected to give up their toys and free time to spend ages at the table - what a bore!

We graze on xmas day, everyone is happy nad no-one has to eat/drink anything they dont want to - stress free!

I still think the OP has been very good in making an effort to prepare extra food - 15 people is alot and I only had my mum over and felt exhausted after doing christmas dinner for 7 with one veggie meal thrown in.

I think the OP's sister is making a rod for her own back and her DD won't always be 7 and she should have been coaxed by sister into sitting at the table and having a try of the food or even just staying put. No I-pad. DC is not a baby.

I wouldn't invite them again especially if they don't do anything to help. Least your DS and partner? could do is help clear up when you had used extra trays etc to heat up her dd's food.

It's why we don't go anywhere on Christmas Day. DS2 just can't cope with all the excitement and people and noise. Sitting at a busy table would push him right over the edge, and we just don't think it's fair to put him through that. We stay home and eat at home, so he can get up from the table when he's done eating, and the children tend to graze during the day anyway.

'This was a family christmas meal and I would expect some effort in sitting round the table.'

This is where we differ.

I don't expect this of small children, and to me 7 is pretty small. In fact I hate it being expected of anyone.

It should be enjoyable - surely that's the point? And if she wasn't enjoying it, well, is that a crime?

I don't understand the juxtaposition of 'it's supposed to be fun, everyone was enjoying it' and 'she should make an effort here for everyone else's sake'.

Which is it?

Rooney, its not a crime. But neither is it a crime to expect that a 7 year old should be able to sit at a table during a family christmas meal. Its a cop out to say that if they're not enjoying it they should be able to wander off as they please. She wasnt being force fed a plate of sprouts for gawds sake. Its lazy parenting in my opinion.

Its enjoyable for my children to eat sweets every day instead of proper meals, its enjoyable for them to spend all evening watching tv instead of doing other things, but that doesnt mean I let them do it. Why would anyone let a 7 year old do as she pleases, surely there should be some guidance in their life. Mealtimes and family celebrations should be no exception. Children can still have a fun time even with some light boundaries and guidance.

If everyone brings their children up in a way that instills in them that if they dont want to do something then they dont have to do it, that they can come and go as they please regardless of what others are doing, and that they dont have to fit in with anyone then there would be major problems in the way that children mix and fit in with society.

So basically, you've asked if YABU, but you don't want to hear anyone's opinion that differs from yours?

What an utter waste of time.

Perhaps she DOES have some guidance in her life. Perhaps it's in other areas. Perhaps her parents aren't anal-retentive about holding children hostage at the dinner table while they wait for everyone else to finish eating.

Christmas, I dont hold anyone hostage at the table, least of all my dc. And no-where have I said that she should have stayed at the table until everyone had finished eating. I just dont think it is very nice to go to someones home knowing that they are cooking a meal (and a special one at that for one of your children) and not even attempting to encourage them to eat some of ita.

I wouldnt expect her to be forcefully sat down and fed. Of course not. But some element of encouragement and a reluctance to let her gorge on nuts and sweets later would have been more acceptable imo.

Do you honestly beleive that to let a 7 year old choose not to sit with everyone at christmas dinner in favour of playing and then to ask for sweets and nuts once everything is cleared away is ok?

I agree with you, pinkandred. She sounds like a very overindulged child.

I think the idea that she couldn't face all that food because of her gluten intolerance in is a red herring, as she had actually demanded a portion
the same size as everyone else - although, in the event, she didn't actually eat any of it. The reason she wanted to leave the table was not because she wasn't hungry, but because she wanted to play on the wii. It wasn't actually her first choice to sit quietly playing with with the ipad.

A seven-year-old is not a very small child - you make allowances for 2 or 3 year-olds - a 7 year-old should be able to stay at the table until at least the other children are getting down. There were 5 of them and I doubt they were asked to finish every scrap of food and stay at the table till all the adults had finished.

Op YANBU imho. Put it down to experience and don't have them over again until if it makes you upset.

YANBU.

And she is very overindulged. My friend is gluten intolerant,has been for years. As far as I know,bar being provided suitable food she wasn't allowed to do as she damn well liked at meal times. She behaved like every other child would have been expected to.

You've actually said a number of times how cross you are that she left the table. But I just don't understand why it's such a huge deal to you? She wasn't making a fuss. She sat quietly and entertained herself. She wasn't interrupting the adults or spoiling anyone else's enjoyment of the meal.

You don't expect her to be "forcefully sat down and fed" but at the same time you think she should be made to sit down at the table and encouraged to eat. So where is the line drawn? They can give her the food, but pushing her to eat will only reinforce food problems as well as create a huge fuss that will impact everyone else.

You also have complained a few times about her eating sweets and nuts after the meal an hour later. So if she was not hungry at meal time, but then was hungry later, what would you have done if they asked you to fix up a plate for her? I imagine you would have then been annoyed about that. So she ate whatever was available. And let's be fair, it's Christmas. LOTS of children fill up on sweets and nuts and don't eat a great meal. It's just one day a year - I hardly think it's worth stressing over. And surely her filling up on sweets and nuts is more her parents' problem than yours anyway? Her nutrition intake isn't your concern.

To be fair, I'd handle it with one of my children differently than someone else's. If someone else's child chose not to sit with everyone and ask for sweets and nuts afterwards, I'd leave it up to their parents to deal with. If DS1 or DD, I'd raise an eyebrow as they are adults. If DS2, we have specific rules in place for his mealtimes to help him cope and to deal with problems. If he could not cope with sitting at the table, I'd let him leave the table and play within view. If DS3, as he is 3yo, and determined not to eat, then I'd simply let him play within view.

I do understand that you are annoyed over the waste of the gluten free food.. nobody likes waste, especially if it's expensive. But by the same token, you can't force feed a 7yo. If she's not hungry, she's not hungry. Make the best of it and move on. And the mum DID say thank you (according to your earlier post), so was grateful. Just seemingly not as effusive as you would've liked.

Bottom line - you provided special food for her - you didn't purchase rights to control how she behaves. Quit dwelling on it and enjoy the holidays.

I just don't get the big problem with this. It was christmas day and 14 people were sitting at the table, eating and supposedly enjoying themselves. One person (aged 7) was not hungry and didn't want to sit at the table, so sat, quietly playing whilst everyone else got to enjoy their meal.

She didn't scream, cry, demand attention. She didn't spoil anyone else's meal. Why should she eat a plate of food she didn't want and why should her parents force her. That the food had been prepared differently to everyone else's was neither here nor there. That shouldn't have been an issue.

Your sister and bil clearly parent differently to you but that doesn't make their way the wrong way.

It's a problem for a lot of people Christmas because the meal isn't just about eating. In fact, the eating is ancillary. It's a social event. People jest, people talk, crackers are pulled. This is why it's not the same as just having a weekday lunch. By separating herself, the young lady is socially excluding herself. I think it's in her best interest to make sure this doesn't happen or become a habit.

I really, really don't agree with forcing children to eat when they are not hungry.

Microwaves exist now this isn't 1950, the 'if you don't eat now you can't eat ever' shit is just cruel and punitive.
I think it can get people into a bad habit of eating for the sake of eating and probably has a lot to answer for with overweight children/adults etc.

HOWEVER, my son is not allowed sweets if he has refused something 'proper', I think that is where strictness needs to be implaced.

awaits flaming

I don't think anyone disagrees with you YerMaw. The DN was stuffing her face less than an hour later so clearly had an appetite.

I dont understand the peiople who force their kids to stay at the table,why?it doesnt do anyonneany good,if they want to go off and play and eat later then why not?

Food is a social thing, particularly at Xmas. At seven years old she should have been able to sit at the table and chat etc. Seriously it is rude to refuse to sit at the table and then to play. Even my two yr old sat at the table for dinner, she got down a bit between the main course and pudding as it was taking a while but she sat at the table for most of the meal.

The op provided food recommended by the child's mother, nothing odd or fancy, stuff the child usually eats. Child refuses, plays for a bit and then eats snacks!! Come on mine have had more biscuits, sweets etc than usual as its Xmas but you don't refuse a meal and then fill up on chocolate an hour later!

i dont agree.

sandradodd.com/eating/idea

sorry i cant make links clicky,but basically these are my thoughts on food

It is reasonable to expect to cater for intolerances and food issues - which OP did. If sitting at the table while others were eating causes a problem for the child , then perhaps with advance notice the OP and her sister could have found a solution. If neice had to get down from the table , there is no reason why she shouldn't just sit quietly and wait for everyone to finish before going to play.

If I was OP's child, I 'd be upset that a cousin took advantage of getting down to have sole use of one of my presents when I'd done exactly what was asked of me.

So if you can't expect a child to sit nicely for a meal at home, what would you do when out? A seven yr old with no sn should be able to sit at a table nicely and chat etc.

My DGS is 7 and he absolutely enjoyed sitting at the table with all the adults (Next to his Uncle who he adores).

He is very aware of what he can and cannot eat. As long as he has his soy milk to drink he is happy. He ate every scrap of his gluten free meal, pulled most of the christmas crackers , read the jokes and announced tht it was the best christmas ever.

This is a child who is also dyspraxic and the most adorable 7 year old I have ever known.

Can anyone sense a very proud Grandma going over the top here

His 22 month old DB sat at the small table and chairs I have for them (by choice, not because he was made to) and spent a lot of time racing from one adult to the other to be picked up. Noone minded because to us he is still a baby.

YANBU.

There are 2 issues here as I see it
1 - the cost of her special food which she didn't eat - next time I would say very politely to dear sis - " sorry I obviously didn't get the right food - so best if you bring her special food" . If you were my sister and had gone to all that effort for my dc - I would have been embarrassed.

The second is the social convention of sitting at the table - and every family will have a different way of dealing with this . I personally think she is bloody rude. My DS is 7 and has sensory issues - so sitting still at the table (ESP at Xmas when he is excited is very hard for him) BUT we judged this year he should be able to do it - so I set the expectation , he didn't eat much dinner but he sat until all the kids had finished and were excused.
Depending on your relationship with your sister would depend on how you handle it. I have a nephew, a little younger than DS, who is shocker at getting up and wondering around during dinner - even with his mouth full , it of course is exactly counter productive to what we are trying to teach DS - I can't do anything about it is my sisters house, but last time he was here , when he went to get up I said very firmly, but nicely, tht in our house, you sat at the table until you were excused - my sister couldn't argue with that. I would take thy approach - you can't force her to it, but it is your house and age should follow your social conventions.