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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my sister is too soft with her daughter

149 replies

pinkandred · 25/12/2012 22:42

Ive cooked xmas dinner today for 15. 9adults and 6 children. My sisters daughter is 7 and has a gluten intollerance. Aside from that, she basically seems to eat when she feels like it. She has no set mealtimes and if she doesnt fancy eating at normal family mealtimes she carries on playing and they will cook for her when she decides she's hungry.

For xmas dinner today, I had bought and cooked separate gluten free food that looks exactly the same as everyone elses food on the plate. She decided she didnt want any of it and left the table to go and play on the wii. My sister and her dh didnt say anything and continued to eat. She asked me to put the wii on but I refused and said I would put it on when everyone had finished their xmas dinner. I asked her dd to come back in and to at least try some of the turkey but she refused. My sister then told her that she could play on the ipad until xmas dinner was finished and then aunty xxx (me) would put the wii on for her.

Straight after dinner when all the clearing up had been done, she complained she was hungry and asked me for the desert (which, again, I had bought alternative gluten free desert for her). She didnt eat that either and proceeded to eat handfuls of nuts and haribos.

I'm completely pissed off that I spent money on gluten free food which I should have known she wouldnt eat. But then for her to be allowed to leave the table and play on the wii when the other children were sat well behaved eating their dinner really annoyed me. We have an open plan living/kitchen area so the other children could see her playing.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkandred · 25/12/2012 23:42

The crackfox, the turkey, potatoes & veg were all exactly the same ones that everyone else ate. The gravy & pigs in blanket were different and I can honestly say that looking at it you couldnt tell the difference.

She has eaten the gravy before & the sausages. My dsis had told me which ones she would eat so I made sure I bought the correct ones. That is what annoys me, I know she eats them when she feels like eating, its just that today, she didnt feel like eating and wanted to play.

OP posts:
Bestof7 · 25/12/2012 23:43

Her parents should tell her before the meal that at Auntie's house you sit at the table - this must come up now and again, so she should learn your rules. They should also teach her to say, 'Thank you so much for making this food, but I'm really not hungry. Would you mind if I got down from the table a bit early?' If she'd sat quietly elsewhere and read a book, I bet you wouldn't be quite so annoyed (as she wouldn't have been flaunting her iPad time in front of the others).

Floralnomad · 25/12/2012 23:45

Most chips are ok and you can get gluten free fish fingers which according to my DD aren't too bad ( she's a very fussy coeliac) , perhaps if you host Christmas again you should just do her that!

zzzzz · 25/12/2012 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
pinkandred · 25/12/2012 23:46

Best, the ipad wasnt hers, it was a xmas prez for one of my dc, and i'm sure my dc would have loved to have skip xmas dinner in favour of scoffing sweets and nuts whilst playing on the ipad.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 25/12/2012 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LouisWalshsChristmasCloset · 25/12/2012 23:50

I'm a bit Hmm at all the parents who make their young children sit at the table until everyone is finished.
I remember being made to do this as a child and 45 mins to an hour would pass by, adults talking and ignoring me.
I used to get as frustrated as a tiger in a bird cage, to the point I would cry just knowing I had to endure this until I was allowed to get up.
Excusing yourself is polite enough I think.

And to the op, I don't think yabu. If it were my child I think I would have not allowed sweets and snacks if no dinner was eaten. But then again, it is Christmas Smile

DontCallMeBaby · 25/12/2012 23:51

YANBU. Not doubting her diagnosis AT ALL but fish fingers definitely contain gluten, so she has previous for 'normal' fussy eating. DD is also fussy and has been required to try things and sit at the table for a reasonable time - far longer than her 42-yo uncle who retired to the living room to eat crisps. Hmm

But ... ultimately it's just not your problem. Any future meals, I'd just point out the things that are naturally gluten free, meat, veg, etc, and leave her to it. If I was feeling kind I might warn her mum there'd be no special gravy etc this time.

izzyhasanewchangeling · 25/12/2012 23:52

I dont have to "make" mine stay at the table, they know we sit at the table while people are eating, we chat to them, they were playing with crackers, they chat to each other.

They are sociable little things, its never been an issue, its just what we do, at every meal time.

Original poster
pinkandred · 25/12/2012 23:53

zzz, I havent said that wasting normal food wouldnt be annoying. It would. But, when my dn doesnt even attempt the food and just says she doesnt want it (and it does cost quite a bit more, I had to buy a pack of 6 gluten free bread rolls just to put 1 on her plate with the soup) plus the gravy, plus the different sausages, plus the different soup, plus the different dessert then it is bloody annoying.

I'm equally as annoyed with my dsis for letting me buy all this and not even attempt to coerce her dd into eating it. I wont do it again. I will suggest that dsis makes a meal and brings it with her.

Its not just the money and the waste either. Its the time and effort in cooking alternative food for 1 person when you are cooking for lots of people. My oven is small and I have to take good care not to let the gluten free food touch the other food.

OP posts:
izzyhasanewchangeling · 25/12/2012 23:54

"adults talking and ignoring me"

actually therein lies the difference, no one ignores the DCs then it would be unreasonable to expect them to stay at table.

pictish · 25/12/2012 23:54

So what are you going to do about it?

Floralnomad · 25/12/2012 23:55

dontcallmebaby what are you suggesting that she eats her dinner without gravy ? That's really going to encourage her to join in ! If she usually has gravy then you have to provide gravy that's suitable for her . BTW that comment is not aimed at you OP

HollyBerryBush · 25/12/2012 23:57

It is manners to stay at the table until everyone has finished eating.

Thereafter the children can get down and play whilst adults continue talking.

Manners really are so lacking today. I've been in houses where children plate up, remove themselves and plates and plonk down in front of the telly. Dreadful. Poor social skills, lack of etiquette.

zzzzz · 25/12/2012 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyWidmerpool · 26/12/2012 00:02

I'm not sure why posters are so keen on making children sit at the table at the end of Christmas dinner when they don't want to. It doesn't add much conviviality to an occasion. I would let them away when they have had enough, personally, as long as they ask politely. At the same time I would hope to make it enjoyable for them to stay by including them in conversation etc.

Original poster
pinkandred · 26/12/2012 00:04

zzz, my dn's problems are not too much hassle for me which is why I spent extra time to make sure she had food which she can eat and was extra careful to make sure it looked exactly the same as everyone elses. But, I had to spend extra time and money shopping for her food and yet there was no effort on her or my dsis part in at least attempting it.

I 100% do not mind doing this. But I resent doing it when there is no attempt to eat it from my dn and no attempt from my dsis to get her to eat it. Why should I waste MY time and money.

OP posts:
Mosman · 26/12/2012 00:06

I actually think set meal times is bollocks, people should eat when they are hungry and the social side of all sitting down and not talking because you are eating actually again, load of rubbish.
Food is what it is subsidence and we'd have less fat adults and kids if people stopped making it into such a drama.

MrsMushroom · 26/12/2012 00:07

What a pain to go through all that effort and have her ignore it. Yanbu and I hope your sister thanked you.

I'm afraid I let my DDs leave the table with no fuss as DH and I believe family mealtimes should be relaxed and nobody needs to sit (unless they're over 12) and talk....little kids get bored and disruptive so we let them go.

MrsMushroom · 26/12/2012 00:08

What a pain to go through all that effort and have her ignore it. Yanbu and I hope your sister thanked you.

I'm afraid I let my DDs leave the table with no fuss as DH and I believe family mealtimes should be relaxed and nobody needs to sit (unless they're over 12) and talk....little kids get bored and disruptive so we let them go.

Floralnomad · 26/12/2012 00:10

I can see your point OP but until you have lived with a really fussy eater it's difficult to understand how difficult it is . Perhaps your sister thought if she tried to get her DD to eat there would be a scene which could make it embarrassing for everyone else. My DD was fussy pre being coeliac and has multiple health issues and TBH it's not worth arguing with her and just causes stress for everyone concerned. We ate at my mothers today and my DD had a totally different meal to everyone else which had been pre agreed ,hence no issues .

AlfalfaMum · 26/12/2012 00:11

YANBU, I agree that's too soft, I'd be annoyed too. I think in future you should not go to any special expense or effort, and ask her parents to supply and prepare the gluten free alternatives themselves.

My DD3 barely touched her dinner, but then she's really ill with flu and had even rejected a mini Lindt chocolate Santa after one tiny bite :o I still insisted that she eat some of her vegetables, because I want her to get better.

Original poster
pinkandred · 26/12/2012 00:12

MrsMushroom, she said a general thankyou on the way out but nothing special or no mention of all the extra work involved in catering for her dd. She did not even offer to help clear up. Myself & DH did everything all day, getting her drinks, the dc drinks etc. When we went to her house last year we all chipped in with clearing the table and clearing up. Ive learned my lesson today.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkandred · 26/12/2012 00:14

Flora, I can understand why you wouldnt challenge a child with food problems but, would you let them play on an ipad in full view of other children who are being very good sitting at the table eating. And would you then let your fussy eater scoff nuts and sweets?

OP posts:
MrsJourns · 26/12/2012 00:17

I find it pretty impossible for my children to eat at family events where there is food that contains gluten unless I am in the kitchen helping. If I was making a meal containing gluten at home I have to wipe down everything before I can prepare stuff for the kids. I am not a neurotic parent and I hate cleaning, but that is how it is, it's the only way to avoid cross contamination. If a piece of cutlery touches there food that has been used, a chopping board is used again for them, something is lifted over there food and a crumb drops, all these things make them sick. All it takes is for someone to have used the butter/ jam / mustard etc for toast/ sandwich and leave a tiny crumb.
If I know we are going somewhere where the cook won't let me help I take my own stuff for my kids and this has upset family members in the past.
The reason for this is when I used to be polite and not want to make a fuss, my eldest got ill.
However, I do expect my children to have manners. If I felt the table
was not appropriate for them ( I tend to find this when you help
yourself) then I would explain quietly to the host and I always have
drawing stuff/ books for them to play with quietly.
But I do not pander to my children like your sister appears to.
I think if your niece comes to family events you and your sister need to talk about how to include her in family meals, it is important for your niece to realise that she can join in family food events, and learning how to cope with her inolerences in this safe environment will help her eat socially when she is older.
Perhaps you could explain to your sister that you would love your niece to be part of this family time and together come up with food / strategies to help.
Sadly, I don't think you can comment on her regular meal patterns ( which I do think sound terrible) as this would be seen as interfering, but that doesn't mean you can't continue to make an effort at yours.

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