to think that my sister is too soft with her daughter

[pinkandred]

Ive cooked xmas dinner today for 15. 9adults and 6 children. My sisters daughter is 7 and has a gluten intollerance. Aside from that, she basically seems to eat when she feels like it. She has no set mealtimes and if she doesnt fancy eating at normal family mealtimes she carries on playing and they will cook for her when she decides she's hungry.

For xmas dinner today, I had bought and cooked separate gluten free food that looks exactly the same as everyone elses food on the plate. She decided she didnt want any of it and left the table to go and play on the wii. My sister and her dh didnt say anything and continued to eat. She asked me to put the wii on but I refused and said I would put it on when everyone had finished their xmas dinner. I asked her dd to come back in and to at least try some of the turkey but she refused. My sister then told her that she could play on the ipad until xmas dinner was finished and then aunty xxx (me) would put the wii on for her.

Straight after dinner when all the clearing up had been done, she complained she was hungry and asked me for the desert (which, again, I had bought alternative gluten free desert for her). She didnt eat that either and proceeded to eat handfuls of nuts and haribos.

I'm completely pissed off that I spent money on gluten free food which I should have known she wouldnt eat. But then for her to be allowed to leave the table and play on the wii when the other children were sat well behaved eating their dinner really annoyed me. We have an open plan living/kitchen area so the other children could see her playing.

Thanks for all the responses.

Some of you appear to think that the other children were being forced to sit through a painful xmas dinner. Thats totally not the case. We had fun at the table, pulled crackers, read the jokes, swapped the silly toys and wore the hats. The children werent forced to eat and were not made to feel bad if they didnt clear their plate.

I suppose I'm just struggling to understand why my dsis finds it acceptable to let her 7 year old choose not to sit with everyone at a family celebration and go to play with the toys in full view of everyone. As for my dsis not wanting to cause a scene, well if my dn was 2 then I could understand it but she's 7. Presumably she doesnt go into the playground at school whilst everyone is in the dinner hall eating lunch. I dont think its down to a food issue at all, I think my dn just bloody well does as she pleases.

No I can understand that. I feel for you.

I didn't want to imply it was an awkward or difficult meal - I'm sure it was great, it probably is in a lot of families, just wanted to express that in mine it wasn't, so it colours my view.

Hope that makes sense. Can you talk to dsis about it at all?

I can see why you'd be pissed off, it is a waste of effort, however, I'm another one who has no set meal times, DD eats when she's hungry. Yesterday, she only ate a whole plate of peas for Christmas dinner...

I think her playing with the iPad is fine, glad you drew a line under the wii etc.

what I'm trying (badly) to say is, could it be that dsis was mortified, or at least agrees with you on principle, but instead of remonstrating with dn at the time, decided to have a word on the way home instead, while making as little fuss at the time as possible?

Yes Hairy the ipad thing made me think, she was just trying to keep her happy, no attention to her, just ignore her and let her amuse herself if she wasn't going to join in the meal...iyswim?

Otherwise what could she have done - just sat there?

It's your house so your rules but I think your sister is the one to be cross with not your niece, she's 7 and carrying on like she does at home its up to your sister to tell her that its not acceptable in other people's homes.

But I think the point is, it's NOT your daughter. They are doing things a bit differently, and perhaps some of that is due to her gluten intolerance and the problems she has had with it.

Is it really so shocking that a child that doesn't want to eat then wants to do something fun?

The waste was unfortunate. I wonder if before the day, when you checked with DSIS about her child's gluten intolerance and what to buy for it, you did the whole "oh don't mention it- I want to do it" kind of thing to her and she simply took you at your word. DS2 has food issues, and we do have one relative that buys special stuff for him, but if he doesn't eat it (and if we're not "properly grateful") she gets put out. It's like we have to play "thankful commoner" to her "benevolent hostess" routine... I feel like ringing a bell and shouting "we are unworthy....." over and over. It can be quite aggravating to be pushed to be "grateful" like that. I say thank you, but after awhile it gets old.

I would've thought if you didn't want the other children playing with the ipad, you probably should have put it away while they were there, and put out some things you were happy for them to use.

Christmas - I did not say that I didnt want any of the other children playing with the ipad. My dc have no problem sharing their toys and letting others have a go. The problem which you seem to have overlooked was the timing of it. Playing with their ipad whilst they were sitting eating dinner.

As for not feeling grateful or thankful when someone has gone to extra time and money to cater for your child then I think that is bad manners. I would be grateful and thankful for anyone who catered for my children, special diets or no special diets, its manners. If you dont think its any big deal then how would you feel if your relative didnt go out of their way to cater for your childs needs - would you think it no big deal then. It works both way you know. I wouldnt expect a 7 year old to be grateful or thankful but the parents should be.

Oh and Christmas - I wouldnt expect to have to leave out toys to keep a 7 year old amused for an hour (tops) whilst the rest of the family, children included, sat at a table to eat christmas dinner.

Yanbu at all.

No way would I allow my 7 year old to behave like this.

And I wouldn't have allowed her on the iPad either.

I think you really need to move on from this.

Did your sister not thank you on her behalf? I'd have done that as you went to so much trouble.

Sis is the one who is out of order if that's the case. Also I'd have tried to make mine follow the house rules in her situation - but as the ipad wasn't mentioned in the initial thing, sis might not have realised you considered that rude and just thought it would keep dn quiet.

Talk to sis and figure out how you both see it.

I thought you said the children were aged 5+, so when I said leaving out toys that they WERE allowed to use, I meant for the day, not just over lunch.

Personally, I would think at least if she was sitting quietly playing the ipad away from the table, that she was quietly entertaining herself and be fine with that. If you don't mind the other children playing the ipad, and she was simply playing quietly away from the table, I just don't see what the problem is. Why force her to sit at the table when she's not hungry? Would YOU have enjoyed that as a 7yo?

See, now THIS is where your biggest issue is IMO. You've got your nose a bit out of joint because they weren't "properly grateful." If you'd read my post thoroughly, you'd see that I DO say thank you to the relative that buys special stuff for DS2. But I also tell her repeatedly that she doesn't NEED to. She insists. And then expects us to be falling all over ourselves being "grateful" for it. The thing is, then if DS2 doesn't eat it or isn't hungry for some reason, then she gets all huffy about it. It creates too much pressure. I'd prefer she didn't go out of her way honestly.

I think that even though her mum said thank you at the end of the day, you're still miffed that she wasn't effusively grateful over all your "effort, time, and money spent" and an additional jab to your pride was that DN didn't eat it. I suspect this issue coloured your opinion of her sitting and playing the ipad as well.

So the other children sit nicely at the table and she gets free run of their presents?

You really think that's acceptable treegle?

I don't.

Well, the OP didn't state that she was running rampant through the gifts. She asked the Wii, OP said no, so she played on the ipad. Hardly criminal behaviour.

If she's sitting nicely, I just don't see the problem. Children with food intolerances/problems can often be uncomfortable sitting at the table around food when they're not prepared to eat. Why force them? It only puts unnecessary pressure on them.

I think the OP is getting all bent out of shape out of a small blip.

but christmas, "children with food intolerances/problems can often be uncomfortable sitting at the table around food when they're not prepared to eat". Exactly, she was not prepared to eat.

Food intolerance has nothing to do with it. She wasnt given food that she was intollerant to. She was given food that she can and does eat. She had chosen not to eat in favour of playing. This was a family christmas meal and I would expect some effort in sitting round the table.

I think the food intollerance thing is colouring the problem here. I dont understand why a 7 year old should not be able to sit at a table for less than an hour with other children who are all chatting and laughing.

I agree with lots of OP's comments here. But the big salient question for me is why on earth would DN NOT want to sit at the table with everyone else? Sounds like everyone else was having a great time. My family always had slack mealtimes/never insisted we sit at the table etc etc (which I think leads to unhealthy eating habits btw). But we always did sit together because we enjoyed the whole scoffing and talking and humour. That's what social occasions are about. THey are meant to be enjoyable. Why o why did DN think it would be more fun playing by herself? Totally miffs me.

Your niece obviously has some issue with eating ( fussy /intolerant/other) ,the problem is that you and your sister have different parenting methods and your sister didn't feel the need to change her approach whilst in your home. Actually that's a compliment as obviously she is comfortable enough in your home to do so ! If you don't agree with how your sister deals with her child you need to tell her before she comes next time then she can decide whether to come or not.

Actually food intolerance may very well have something to do with it. Regardless of whether or not the food was okay for her to eat, she may simply have not been hungry. For many children that have food problems, sitting in front of or around food when they are not hungry is distinctly uncomfortable.

DS2 cannot do it - he cannot sit at the table with food in front of him once he is done eating. It upsets him and always has. Once he is done, he needs to leave the table.

Is it really that huge a deal? Cut her some slack for heaven's sake. This is Christmas, not the army.

as for not feeling grateful or thankful when someone has gone to extra time and money to cater for your child then I think that is bad manners.

I don't know op, you sound like you have a spreadsheet of appropriate levels of effusiveness based on perceived levels of effort. I wouldn't feel extra thankful because you didn't give my child food that would make them sick, no. I'd feel grateful that you hosted Christmas day, of course, but you don't get extra marks for taking into account the needs of your guests. It's just part and parcel of hosting.

Many children who have had food issues find sitting at the table very difficult and anxious. Or, you could be totally right and your DN is playing her mother like a fiddle. But these are separate issues IMO.

I think you need to be explicit with your relatives that you EXPECT all children to sit at the table during the main meal. And absolutely not to be off playing. That you find it fairly intolerable if they don't make an effort appropriate to their age. You need to spell it out to the adults.

They may choose to not come at all next year.

Her rejecting your gluten free efforts and the parents lack of sensitivity to your preferences would cheese me off, too. BUT... I am the parent of the children who don't always sit at the table. It try to accommodate the hosts' preferences, but not always easy, we happily have different habits at home.

*I try... not It try

After years of catering for other people's children's food allergies etc, I never make anything different without doubling checking with the parents - especially if already turkey and potatoes that are gluten free - you knew anyway she was very fussy eater - so on the preparing the extra food I think YABU.

However she should have stayed at table longer esp if the other children were, and should not have been given dessert or snacks if she hadn't had any turkey.

That all being said, my 2 year old is impossible eater and I often give in (and let him have dessert etc) when we are out as I would rather safe the meltdown and screaming for at home rather than ruin everyone else's meal.