Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

to think that my sister is too soft with her daughter

149 replies

pinkandred · 25/12/2012 22:42

Ive cooked xmas dinner today for 15. 9adults and 6 children. My sisters daughter is 7 and has a gluten intollerance. Aside from that, she basically seems to eat when she feels like it. She has no set mealtimes and if she doesnt fancy eating at normal family mealtimes she carries on playing and they will cook for her when she decides she's hungry.

For xmas dinner today, I had bought and cooked separate gluten free food that looks exactly the same as everyone elses food on the plate. She decided she didnt want any of it and left the table to go and play on the wii. My sister and her dh didnt say anything and continued to eat. She asked me to put the wii on but I refused and said I would put it on when everyone had finished their xmas dinner. I asked her dd to come back in and to at least try some of the turkey but she refused. My sister then told her that she could play on the ipad until xmas dinner was finished and then aunty xxx (me) would put the wii on for her.

Straight after dinner when all the clearing up had been done, she complained she was hungry and asked me for the desert (which, again, I had bought alternative gluten free desert for her). She didnt eat that either and proceeded to eat handfuls of nuts and haribos.

I'm completely pissed off that I spent money on gluten free food which I should have known she wouldnt eat. But then for her to be allowed to leave the table and play on the wii when the other children were sat well behaved eating their dinner really annoyed me. We have an open plan living/kitchen area so the other children could see her playing.

OP posts:

jessjessjess · 26/12/2012 00:19

Agree with pinkandred. And it wasn't her iPad to play with.

Floralnomad · 26/12/2012 00:19

No ,but then my fussy eater doesn't eat nuts or sweets . However as you said it was your child's iPad why didn't you say she wasn't to play with it .

suburbophobe · 26/12/2012 00:26

Her parents are completely indulging her and don't give a shit

I wouldn't be too keen refuse on hostessing them next Christmas. (Or they bring their own diet food!).

But why do you feel responsible for her behaviour? I'd ignore it, what with 15 people around to cook for, stress-inducing enough! just enjoy Xmas.

How they behave in your house (which is very rude) just needs to be ignored really. I would.

I'm all for people doing their own thing at Xmas anyway. Whatever their age

You are not the nanny....

Original poster

pinkandred · 26/12/2012 00:27

Flora, I'd already said that I wouldnt put the wii on until we'd finished xmas dinner and I think it came across to my dsis that I was too busy to do it. What I really meant was "no, you're not playing on the bloody wii whilst the other children are sitting here eating and and watching/listening to you on the wii". My dsis completely missed the point and suggested the ipad. I didnt want to cause a scene on xmas day. I knew that my dsis just didnt get it.

OP posts:

Original poster

pinkandred · 26/12/2012 00:29

Subur, I think they are indulging her too. I dont think they are doing her any favours for the long term.

OP posts:

MrsKeithRichards · 26/12/2012 00:34

I think yabu. it's Christmas day, it's meant to be nice for everyone not some formal test of endurance.

WeWilsonAMerryChristmas · 26/12/2012 00:49

I think your problem is really with your sis, tbh. Your pissed she didn't give you a special thank you for the 'work' involved in catering for your DN - she's your niece and she has a serious illness. I'm not sure at all why you feel you deserve extra special thanks for not giving her food that will make her sick. And I'm pretty sure she's picking up on your issues round her food, and thus not eating.

WeWilsonAMerryChristmas · 26/12/2012 00:50

Although to br absolutely fair, I wouldn't have put the wii on either.

MrRected · 26/12/2012 01:17

There is a huge difference between coeliac disease and gluten intolerance.

The parents were impolite. The child presumably knows no better.

AmberSocks · 26/12/2012 01:27

Hi havnt read the whole thread

my kids dont have set meal times either as if you think about it its better to eat when your hungry, not just because its 12 o clock or dinner time or whatever,but i respect that most people have to fit eating in around work and stuff so fair enough!

I also dont make them finish food and i dont bribe them with pudding or threaten that they dont have it,i never have and they are great eaters because of this.

HOWEVER if i had been your sister,i would of made more of an effort because...

A.its christmas day

B.you had made extra special effort to buy and cook her gluten free stuff

C.there were other kids there who's parents probably dont have the same principles as us.

So YANBU but i dont think your sis is soft,just not overly considerate this time!

LucieMay · 26/12/2012 01:39

It's a shame you spent time and money getting special food for her, but no I don't agree children should be made to eat when they aren't hungry or eat more than they want. I believe it's healthier to actually listen to our bodies and not just shovel food in because it's a certain time of day.

handsandknees · 26/12/2012 02:35

Sounds to me like this is not so much about food as about the DN being allowed to dictate what happens and control the family. I know a few people like this - drives me nuts. It's so important that children should know that a family member has made the effort to cook a nice meal and they should sit down and appreciate it. I really don't understand why anyone would not do that. Do they think they are damaging the children by making them do something they don't want to do?

My SIL's dcs don't eat meals, they just snack all day long on junk, but at my house I make them sit and will not give them anything else if they don't eat some of their meal. I don't care what SIL thinks about this.

Yesterday my DS refused (politely) the Christmas Pudding I had made - fair enough, he doesn't like it, but he then wanted chocolate right after. I said no, you just refused your dessert so you can wait a while. There are plenty of people who don't have enough to eat and I told him so.

sleeplessinsuburbia · 26/12/2012 02:39

Of course you have the right to be pissed off about wasting money on food that she normally enjoys but refused to touch. I would also be pissed off if my children sat and ate while a cousin was allowed to play with their new toy. I would also be pissed off if my sister rewarded this behaviour with treats.

I think people are confusing the problem, you didn't want / expect her to sit at the table for the entire meal, you expected her to eat something that you prepared at great cost and inconvenience and you didn't want her to play games in view of your dcs who were eating. You expected your ds to say something along the lines of " eat a bit of x first".

I understand as a parent with similar ages dcs including one with the same dietary needs.

Chottie · 26/12/2012 05:07

I think DSiL should bring her DDs food next year. I think it was sad that DN did not want to sit at the table with all her family and enjoy being together as a family.

FellatioNelson · 26/12/2012 05:23

Right. Haven't read the thread, only the OP.

YANBU. This would have seriously pissed me off, especially if my own children were of similar and younger age and were expected to stay at the table.

I have no doubt that there will be someone on here making excuses for this, somehow based on her allergy or because they let their children do it-- but that's irrelevant. Her parents are over-indulging her and no good will come of it.

Lavenderhoney · 26/12/2012 05:23

How annoying but there's not really much you can do. If she comes again, then you can just say we sit at the table to eat. If you don't want to that's fine, but you can still chat.

Christmas day- its different and maybe they just wanted her to have a nice day forgetting how it might look. The iPad thing was a bit off though. Your ds has nice manners not to say anything!

If mine are too excited then I say get down then but you must go in your bedroom. And of course no tv plus no snacks after!

If its a few dc I feed them first in the kitchen at their own table. Then us grown ups can loiter and chat without managing small people.

FellatioNelson · 26/12/2012 05:27

Amber having loosely timed meals at home is one thing - not learning to sit down, fit in, and work with the majority in large social groups is rude and self-indulgent, and her parents are doing her no favours whatsoever by pandering to this.

She is 7, not 2.

HollyMadison · 26/12/2012 05:42

Agree with FabulousFreaks. When children have a history of painful feeding the whole issue of mealtimes is very different from those children who are fortunate not to have such issues. Issues like that often continue through the whole of childhood and, speaking from experience, are very difficult for parents to deal with. Given it was a special meal your DSis may have chosen to let DN get down from the table to avoid bad or sulky table behavior which ruins the meal for everyone.

Sounds like you're very thoughtful but also that you have probably not had to deal with serious food refusal and feeding issues on a daily basis. As you said, you don't want to waste money on uneaten food but, whether it's eaten or not, the money is spent. Try not to be judgement about food as it's not really harming you. Congratulations for cooking for such a big gang yesterday :)

FellatioNelson · 26/12/2012 05:54

I understand what you are saying HM but surely the child should be encouraged to stay at the table, be part of the occasion and and enjoy the conversation, even if she doesn't want to eat a thing? I would be inclined to totally ignore what she ate/did not eat, and let her mother quietly sort her out later when she started asking for food, without a big attention seeking fuss. But to let her wander off and play Wii sets a really bad example for the other children and teaches the child nothing at all about how to rub along with others. It's not all about her.

stopthinkingsomuch · 26/12/2012 06:30

I would not give a damn what message was sent to my kids because a cousin was treated differently / allowed to leave.

We have always explained our family values and talked nicely about the differences. Which are ok to have.

The older two are normally pretty accepting (for now). Doesn't this sort of stuff start when they are young. Ie kids playing at park (3-6yr olds), one family allows sticks, sword fighting and the other bans sticks. Different views, you then chat with your own kids etc

Reminds me of which we've been out to eat the last few times and we've allowed games at the table mainly because 3 yr old is at bored grumpy overtired phase and doing our head in. We've chosen to slack off a little but it's not forever and we hold good values 95% of the time around food.

fairylightsandtinsel · 26/12/2012 07:52

I think that xmas dinner is not the time to try and impose different rules to normal. If she doesn't usually have to eat what she's given when she's given it then it would be hard for her to suddenly get on with it, but I think your sis should be teaching her to sit up properly generally.

FamiliesShareGerms · 26/12/2012 08:00

At seven she should be able to sit at the table with everyone else, whether she eats then or later. YANBU

RooneyMara · 26/12/2012 08:20

I think you're right to be upset about the wasted food. I'd be pissed off too, but then, I have low expectations of small children wrt what they will eta and when, and we have a friend whose daughter never eats anything I make even if she's asked for it. Drives me bonkers but I think maybe it's normal for some kids.
I don't put huge effort into it any more as it would be silly. But I appreciate you didn't know this about your niece. (friend's dd is gluten free as well)

Regarding the table situation, well, I was brought up having to eat at the table with our extended family which I hated, really hated, and was very scared of. They weren't nasty, just the atmosphere wasn't comfortable and I often didn't like the food. I think children and formal eating just don't really mix.
Sorry - that's just my view.
But as a family I don't eat at the table with my own children, either, and we normally sit on the sofa/floor/wherever. I am probably far too relaxed about it, but sitting facing other people and having to worry about manners and so on is something I find really hard work, and that's despite my own upbringing where I was very polite and knew how to behave.

It's just not my style. I imagine your sister wanted to cause the minimum fuss rather than get angry with her dd, and took the line of least resistance. Would you have preferred her to have got cross and caused a scene (or let the little girl cause a scene) because I wonder if she was afraid of doing that iyswim?

Inertia · 26/12/2012 08:31

I have every sympathy with both food allergies / intolerance and with fussy eaters. However at 7 she should have been made to sit at the table - not until everyone finished, but at least until the other children have finished.

I wouldn't have allowed her the iPad either if it belonged to my dc .

Original poster

pinkandred · 26/12/2012 09:21

Thanks for all the responses. Ive woken today and I think I am more pissed off at dn leaving the table to want to play with the wii/ipad. If that was my daughter

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6