To have hid and not answered door......

[Clumsyoaf]

Aibu? 830 this morning my SILs their DHs kids etc turn up at front door.... Can see they are laden with presents but I didn't open the door. My children and I have been excluded from lunch tomorrow and I guess I'm still raging mad. On top of which my 4 yr old has been unwell overnight and here's me hair scraped back off white (ahem grey) holey pyjamas whilst they all look like something out of dynasty with their matching handbags and shoes!

So would I bu to not answer door, respond to messages etc or respond with " I'm actually rather upset that my children and I are not welcome at the lunch tomorrow so which would have meant more to us than your gifts do please don't worry about bringing them round. - clumsy."

Thanks, don't want to respond until I can think objectively and mn us great for perspective! Btw I didn't know or expect them to be coming... Completely random visit as they all descended on in laws last night from various parts of the country.

What a bitch! I would be sitting on my hands to prevent them typing out "merry fucking Christmas you big cunt" then hitting send.

Great reply. Do leave in the bit about being in, though. They needbto be shown they can't invite themselves round, particularly in light of their having wanted to invite everyone round to yours in order nit to let you get your foot in the door of MIL's on xmas day...

Clumsy
I'd be tempted to reply
I haven't told DH about your decision to exclude his children from the family Christmas lunch as I didn't want to spoil his Christmas when he is already in a stressful situation. I will be explaining the situation to him fully when the time is right.

"what they do or don't do is none of your business. You reply confirms that I have made the right decision; for the record any blame is at your feet -not mine- you&SILs were the ones keen to "deprive" their neice and nephew."

Or, you know, ignore.

I would reply.

'its a shame you can not be sorry for putting your brothers wife and children in the position of bring unwelcome at Christmas. I have not told dh yet. As he is deployed I feel he has enough on his plate without worrying about us. My children will be just fine without presents. Being made to feel welcome would have been more important. Pile are more that welcome to come for breakfast tomorrow and they know this. Mil also knows why i am not coming for lunch.'

As someone who also lives abroad and has a good deal of PIL contact I completely sympathise with your situation.

BUT, I would definitely be telling your DH, presumably he is going to wonder why you are not at your PIL anyway. Someone is going to talk to him - and it would be better if it were you first, and not your SILs. You can see how they are going to spin it so its you that are depriving the kids.

I can completely understand your reasons for not wanting to tell him, but like I say someone will and you don't have to make it into a huge thing for him, just explain it, and say you didn't want to trouble him, and your MIL feels awful so he shouldn't make it worse for her when they talk.

Can you email him or something and ask him to call you and kids at home first. Plus if he is going to get angry it sounds like your SILs could do with a piece of his mind.

In the meantime - I'm sure you must have loads of preparation to be doing.

One small word of caution....these family things can get completely out of hand, and out of all proportion. If you can find it in yourself to calm this down ASAP, it will probably be in your long term interests. It might be helpful to decide what outcome in the long term do you really want? No more family Christmases? Sometimes you just have to take the moral high ground and suck it up and take comfort (small though it is) in know that it is you do the right thing. You have told them how you feel and that you are really hurt. If you can rise above it all for the "good" of the children, then you win really because they just look even worse, and they cannot reasonably sling any more mud at you. Plus if they do, they are in your house, so you can bloody kick them out as quick as you like.

What are your plans by the way? Do you have friends round - do you need a hand with anything or last minute bits at all? Am up North and would happily help if in the area :)

8.30 am? They can fuck off! who comes round at time unannounced and dolled up to the nines. I wouldnt have answered either, especially for the reason you are excluded.

As for that shitty message from your SIL, I'd ignore it. Actions speak louder than words, silence is deafening etc etc. So sorry that the family are being so vile and selfish towards you and your DC.

Does your SIL really think that a few presents are more important than participating in a significant, shared, family event with the cultural importance of Christmas?

Most people would think that spending time with family is the main point of Christmas. Presents are lovely but not the be all and end all.

Her priorities sounds seriously screwed.

Aaaargh, what a bugger of a cross-post!

Start photographing all these texts, in case are tempted to delete them and so you can put them on Facebook, even though that would be very, very wrong.

I will join Ivana...I am able to offer my help too. I am south west and happy to help.

There is no advantage in replying to the text... Silence will be far more effective. We are all (or I am at any rate) dying to know what texts the other SILs are going to send.

I would reply..
'i can't bring them to breakfast; unless you are happy to explain to them when its lunch time they have to leave, i foolishly had made lunch with you all a 'big deal' they were looking forward to it and had told there dad all about it, i don't know how to explain to them that they are not wanted. So you win you get Christmas as you wanted and hopefully it will be all you deserve.'

these people are truly hateful!

Clumsy read both your threads and was gosmacked when you first posted before. I am so angry for you and your dc. Use the anger not the upset, because then it is them that loses out and not you. Enjoy your day with the little ones tomorrow, atleast you know the TRUE meaning of Christmas. Sod the SILs, twats that they are. Don't get dragged in to arguments with them they are obviously justifying their behaviour and you cant argue with a nutjob. Sending you all the love and happiness in the world for tomorrow. Enjoy it best you can and I hope Dh skypes soon. Merry Christmas clumsy! Xxxx

Just joking about FB, by the way. However, you do need to keep records of this shit.

Another one here to join the unanimous army.
Their behaviour is disgusting. Don't at any point feel any guilt. They should be doing that.

I would be telling her where she could shove her presents and her attitude. And i would reply that yes DH did indeed know and he knew about his sisters efforts to exclude his children on christmas day and was very hurt and fully agreed with me (his DW) about not going for breakfast when we were not truely welcome and didnt feel it was appropriate to receive the presents either.

Oh clumsy what a awful situation you are in. Have an unmumsnetty hug from me.

What the youngest SIL has replied is shameful on her part, does she honestly think your Dh will care about presents when he finds out they have excluded you and your kids from Christmas lunch.

As tempted as I'd be I wouldn't reply. Hope things get sorted out or you :(

You need to tell him, what is going to happen if he phones at lunchtime tomorrow at you PIL's to speak to all of you?

Wallypops speaks endless sense in her post.

I agree that you do need to at least give your dh a watered down version of events, so explain that you were hurt, but hey ho this is what was arranged instead and you hope sil's enjoyed their delia smith Christmas.... I have to say I'm getting the impression your sil's are into the drama and moral high ground so they won't hold back if they talk to him, but I'd be shocked if he hadn't witnessed it off them at some point in the past.

I'm imaging them like the sister off Him and Her.

Bitches! I really feel for you. Unless your children are total monsters (see other thread by poster who disciplined her SIL's unruly children, resulting in a row), I can't see how the presence of toddlers would be anything other than lovely at Christmas time. And even if they are "spirited", it's one day, their dad is away and you have nobody else! How fucking awful of them to exclude you!

Do not respond to that MSG....

Some people really are weird!!! That is all

Have read this and cannot believe that your sil's are running the show.

Personally I would tell dh - as he is away your family should be rallying round for support instead they are being bitches

Your mil is saying she is supportive but basically I would lay some blame there also. Sorry but its her house and they are Riding rough over her so they can have a Christmas they want.

If they want an adult civilised Christmas then they could surely stay at home but it seems they are waited on hand and foot at il's and don't want to have to do anything

I would not reply and personally I would go no where near them tomorrow and concentrate on your children and hopefully get a Skype call from dh.

Also by not replying means it should not escalate into a full blown row and would urge caution at this especially for when dh returns in April.

Next year, I would stay home to and start a new clumsy family traditional Christmas.

Wow so many posts sorry will respond, say in isolation at the walls on centre with dcs