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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP, may be so tired that I need to check my reasonableness...

150 replies

MamaGeekChic · 22/12/2012 06:54

So annoyed at DP, he had his works day out yesterday, started at 1pm just a few of them going for a meal and bowling. He didn't have a key and then his phone went off at 9pm so couldn't get in touch with him so had to sit up & wait on him coming in as I couldn't sleep with the door open. He rolled in drunk and 1pm and fell asleep on the living room floor, DD woke and 5am and is now up for the day at 6.20ish... I'm sooo tired. I'm supposed to be meeting my friends today for our annual present swap lunch and I just can't face it, he's just had a massive go at me because I said he was selfish for going out without keys and not getting in touch. I'm still working right through christmas, I spent all day yesterday (working form home) dealing with visitors and DD while he was out, then trying to get the shopping we need, then last night organising his present (wish I hadn't bothered now). We've got no food shopping yet or anything and loads of wrapping to do, which is all left to me, did I mention i'm working on monday? So tired I'm sat here in tears. sorry, just needed a safe space to rant and check if I'm being to hard on him? He's somehow managing to make out that it's entirely me in the wrong.

OP posts:

Doilooklikeatourist · 22/12/2012 09:23

Get one of these worry about forgotten key
Then the key is locked in a little safe by the front door , and he can let himself in , and you won't have to wait up ..

StuntGirl · 22/12/2012 09:26

If you leave a list it won't get done. Or he'll make a token effort knowing you'll finish the jobs when you get home. If you leave your daughter he'll have no choice but to look after her. Wake him up, give him your daughter, go out. And have a lovely time with your friends!

ZenNudist · 22/12/2012 09:29

Next year OP plan your holidays so you can take Christmas off . If you had to do it this Christmas at least you could get relief next year. If you really can't take time off in advance of Christmas get your dh to do it. It's not rocket science.

I know you just wanted a place to rant and this hasn't turned out to be as 'safe' as you'd like. You sound like someone who lets everything get on top of you. So def relax today and try and enjoy time with friends. It's what Christmas is really about. Not shopping, cleaning and wrapping!

MrsKeithRichards · 22/12/2012 09:33

Yeah your right single parents have it well easy. They can eat whatever they fancy for dinner!

MrsKeithRichards · 22/12/2012 09:35

And don't take your dd to the meal I'm sure your friends are looking forward to a glass of wine in peace with grownups!

Original poster

MamaGeekChic · 22/12/2012 09:35

Unfortunately I can't ever have the christmas period off, I do get the bank holidays though which I know is more than some. DP on the other hand is off for 2-3 weeks, he just can't seem to multitask with DD in tow.

OP posts:

JollyOldChristmas · 22/12/2012 09:36

It sounds like this is not really all about last night, more about how tired you are in general, op.

I think you need to speak to DP about how much you are doing at the moment because it sounds like you need a break.

As an isolated incident I think your DP was a bit daft but not out of order enough for you to seriously fall out with him at Christmas.

3littlefrogs · 22/12/2012 09:42

If he is off for 2 - 3 weeks he should be pulling his weight.

I think, like so many of these posts, the incident described is usually the last straw in a saga of poor behaviour. A symptom, rather than the underlying disease.

OP, I hope you manage to go and enjoy your lunch. I hope your partner steps up and behaves like a responsible parent today. I hope he will grow up and offer to share the workload from now on.

Jemma1111 · 22/12/2012 09:44

mama

" If I was a single parent I'd have been in bed at half 8 last night and felt a whole lot better for it this morning "

Really? how do you KNOW you would have been able to go to bed at that time? how do you KNOW you would have felt better for it this morning ?

As a single parent you can NEVER predict whether you will get a good nights sleep!

As a single parent you will often sleep lightly because you are the only one to hear your children should they wake, you will sometimes go through the night with NO sleep whatsoever if your children are ill, yet you still manage to function and get on with things on your own the next day !
Oh, did I mention that you may sometimes lay awake worrying about things only people with no partners worry about , sorting childcare etc?

You say you work 60 hours a week , your choice .

A single parent is on call 24/7 .

I'm not talking shite, I'm just in the real world and YOU are acting like a 'poor me pampered princess' who is talking bollocks

As someone else said, get a grip!
I actually feel sorry for your H.

NotMostPeople · 22/12/2012 09:52

I agree that you're milking it, not it isn't ideal but surely he's allowed to have anew drinks at Christmas. You could have gone to bed and locked the door.

Don't be a martyr, don't take on more of the Christmas organisation under the guise of he won't do it properly. Presumably he's a man who is capable of learning you need to let him wrap, buy food whatever and learn by his mistakes. If you don't and keep on enabling him to be a child then don't moan.

TheNebulousBoojum · 22/12/2012 09:56

Oh dear, more Single Parent Top Trumps.

Perhaps the MN mantra of LTB isn't the easy solution that it always appears to be?
Perhaps conflict resolution and compromise and negotiation should be considered as appropriate alternatives as well.

RillaBlythe · 22/12/2012 10:00

Don't take your dd with you!

Jingleallthejay · 22/12/2012 10:00

go for your lunch dont be stroppy about it you are cutting your nose off to spite your face ( in the nicest possible way) he was an arse for not taking keys id go on about that but do what you are going to do today why mope about stewing about it ,

SarahWarahWoo · 22/12/2012 10:01

I would have arranged (when his phone was still working) to leave a key somewhere for him to find and gone to bed at normal time. However leave him sleep for as long as possible before waking him and confirming that he has to look after DD for you to lunch, then have a nap later

Jemma1111 · 22/12/2012 10:04

TheNebulousBoojum

Whatever.

Tailtwister · 22/12/2012 10:04

YANBU, what a selfish man!

However, you should still go for your lunch. Yes, you are tired but I'm sure you'll get a second wind once you're there. If you don't go you are just enabling him to continue lying about shirking his responsibilities.

Original poster

MamaGeekChic · 22/12/2012 10:06

You think I don't sleep lightly as I'm listening out for my child? Or stay awake all night when she's ill (Then get up and do a full days work before coming home and seeing to her at night and the whole cycle starting again)? or get up with her during the night when she wakes? or worry about childcare? If you really think that is the reserve of single parents then you are deluded. I work a lot to provide for my family thanks, since when did working become a choice? If going to work to pay your bills and save for your future is a choice in your world then you are the one who's 'pampered'. On call 24/7 yes maybe, if your child doesn't have another parent at all, but in most cases parents share custody of their children, which may mean you actually have more 'chid-free' time than someone in a house with 2 adults. I'm still on call 24/7 there's just often 2 of us present. I still don't understand why it was relevent but seeing as you've bothered to type it out I may as well address your points.

As for last night, I KNOW i'd have been able to go to bed because DD was in her bed asleep and the visitors had left, therefore if DP had a way of getting in I'd have turned the lights out and gone to sleep, then slept unil DD woke at 5. What is so difficult to understand about that?

OP posts:

Original poster

MamaGeekChic · 22/12/2012 10:07

I have already said I'm going to lunch

OP posts:

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 22/12/2012 10:09

Jemma 1111 you sound about 5 in your posts. Different people are having to cope with all sorts of shit. Competitive misery is pathetic.

BooCanary · 22/12/2012 10:13

Op you need to get a grip. If your dh regularly goes out drinking, comes in late and passes out, then fair enough, but this sounds like a Xmas one-off.

As someone who is currently nursing a hangover after a Xmas 'do', and who has been brought breakfast in bed by my dh who understands this is a rare event, I think yabvu.

Surely when planning Xmas workload you take nights out/lunches into account, and plan to do your wrapping/shopping another time. Why is it OK for you to spend the day lunching with friends, whilst your dh is in the shit for having a good night out. Get a grip.

And as for 8pm curfew woman, pity the man married to you.

Jemma1111 · 22/12/2012 10:17

Ok then mama, you say you stay awake all night when your childs ill then get up and do a full days work.

Why then are you moaning like fuck because your H went out and you've only had a few hours sleep? especially as people actually do like to go out and enjoy themselves at Christmas.

And really, don't try and state you have it as hard as a lone parent because honestly you haven't got a clue.

Original poster

MamaGeekChic · 22/12/2012 10:20

I think you missed the point. Had DP let himself in, gone to bed in the spare room and still been nursing a hangover now- fine, had he text last night to say he was staying at a friends- fine. The problem is/was that he knew I had a really busy day planned and was desperate for an early night last night, and him being thoughtless/a little bit selfish meant that it didn't happen, so I'm not exactly feeling terribly productive today. I was also annoyed because he shouted at me when I took DD downstairs when she woke this morning.

OP posts:

Shelby2010 · 22/12/2012 10:21

OP YANBU. DH was a bit of a twat & you're annoyed with him, perfectly reasonable, no he didn't commit the crime of the century but it's not as though you've thrown him out or anything other than be snarky at him.

My DH was an annoying drunken twat the other night & wrapped all the presents to make amends. Completely worth the initial annoyance as I hate wrapping & usually end up doing most of it. Get him to at least wrap any kids presents as they won't even notice if it's not perfect.

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 22/12/2012 10:22

And really, don't try and state you have it as hard as a lone parent because honestly you haven't got a clue.

Lone parents in the Uk have it easy compared to mothers living in Somalian refugee camps so they should all stop bloody moaning......

........this is where "competitive "I've got it so tough" leads"

Original poster

MamaGeekChic · 22/12/2012 10:23

Jemma, because my DD doesn't have a choice about needing me during the night, DP did have a choice about the way he acted. I have absolutely no problem with him going out and enjoying himself at chritmas or any other time of the year for that matter.

Serious chip on your shoulder about the single parent thing btw...

OP posts:

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