Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP, may be so tired that I need to check my reasonableness...

150 replies

MamaGeekChic · 22/12/2012 06:54

So annoyed at DP, he had his works day out yesterday, started at 1pm just a few of them going for a meal and bowling. He didn't have a key and then his phone went off at 9pm so couldn't get in touch with him so had to sit up & wait on him coming in as I couldn't sleep with the door open. He rolled in drunk and 1pm and fell asleep on the living room floor, DD woke and 5am and is now up for the day at 6.20ish... I'm sooo tired. I'm supposed to be meeting my friends today for our annual present swap lunch and I just can't face it, he's just had a massive go at me because I said he was selfish for going out without keys and not getting in touch. I'm still working right through christmas, I spent all day yesterday (working form home) dealing with visitors and DD while he was out, then trying to get the shopping we need, then last night organising his present (wish I hadn't bothered now). We've got no food shopping yet or anything and loads of wrapping to do, which is all left to me, did I mention i'm working on monday? So tired I'm sat here in tears. sorry, just needed a safe space to rant and check if I'm being to hard on him? He's somehow managing to make out that it's entirely me in the wrong.

OP posts:
pictish · 22/12/2012 08:05

And no - don't take your dd to lunch. There's no need to other than to make a point.

steppemum · 22/12/2012 08:06

Wake him with a coffee 20 minutes before you leave. Get the phone and put it on loud next to his bed. Give him dd as you leave. Phone him 10 minutes later ot make sure he is awake.

Then leave her with him and have your lunch.

he is dd's dad? Then he is a responsible adult and able to look after his daughter for a few hours. he slept last night and will sleep this morning, he will be fine by lunch.

You can't have a conversation with him about his behaviour until he is not hungover.
When you have the conversation, ask him to go and do the food shopping, make him a list if you need to, and ask him to take his phone and call you if he can't find something

I feel really sorry for you because you are so tired and have to work and try and do christmas. But I am afraid that he will not help unless you expect him too. If you take your daughter, you are letting him get away with being a big kid

TheSecondComing · 22/12/2012 08:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MamaGeekChic · 22/12/2012 08:09

Do other people actually go to sleep with the doors to their house unlocked? With jusy DD and I in the house I'd feel really unsafe... I do have some anxiety issues so maybe IABU. He does know this though, so knew I would have sat up. If he'd even just text to say he was staying at a friens it would've been fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaGeekChic · 22/12/2012 08:11

just friends

OP posts:
pictish · 22/12/2012 08:12

Perhaps it didn't occur to him? Perhaps he was just getting on with enjoying his night out, and he didn't give the front door so much as a single thought? Imagine that....he went out and didn't spend the evening thinking about you!
LTB!!

TheSecondComing · 22/12/2012 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MamaGeekChic · 22/12/2012 08:16

Pictish, I've got visions of you on a night out- stranded in a town centre somewhere. Would you really go ou in the middle of december and not consider whether you had everything you needed to get home to your bed? Not check you had enough train fare? or a key to your front door? or battery in you phone to call a taxi?

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 22/12/2012 08:18

Pictish that is unfair. When you have young children, lots to do and are both attempting to have some kind of social life then you don't get to just forget about home 100%.

OP in your situation I would have locked the door and gone to bed. You could have had 4/5 hours sleep and then even if you were up for a bit if your DD woke when he came in you would have been able to go back to bed for a while.

I would wake him up in half an hour so that you can get some sleep before you go out.

steppemum · 22/12/2012 08:18

I think it never crossed his mind as it sounds as if he isn't taking responsibility at the moment, teenagers expect their parent to let them it, adults make arrangements taking other people into consideration.

I would find a place outside which is safe to leave a key, text him to say where it is and go to bed.

Why doesn't he take a key to his house anyway??

MyCannyBairn · 22/12/2012 08:22

I don't think you are a martyr, or BU.
I'd go for the sleep too.

Original poster
MamaGeekChic · 22/12/2012 08:25

I would've execpt his phone didn't have any battery... sigh. I've no idea why he didn't take a key.

OP posts:
pictish · 22/12/2012 08:26

As a one off, it's a write off.
No-one really did anything wrong in this situation.
He is forgetful...she is overly anxious.

Storm in a teacup. It's certainly not worth ruining the weekend before Christmas over.

baskingseals · 22/12/2012 08:27

Mama do NOT take dd with you, otherwise it is too cushy for him.

it is ok to leave your dd with her father for a few hours, it really is ok and normal.

go for lunch somewhere with comfy sofas, tell your friends what has happened and let them look after you.

YANBU and no martyr.

Original poster
MamaGeekChic · 22/12/2012 08:30

Pictish, I take your point. It just couldn't have been at a worse time for him to do this as a one off. Had plans for house cleaning and present wrapping this morning which have all been forgotten in favour of coffee, mn and cbeebies... can I still return his christmas present? Xmas Wink

OP posts:
MrsKeithRichards · 22/12/2012 08:32

Don't make such a fuss, he went out, got in at 1m it's hardly crime of the century. You didn't have to sit up. Were you tapping your foot? Did you launch into a rant as soon as he walked in?

And am I reading this right? Did a pp say they went to collect their dh from their Christmas night out at 8pm so she didn't have to do bedtime alone? Oh my.

carabos · 22/12/2012 08:37

Years ago, DH had got into a pattern of going out with a particular friend and getting falling-down-drunk. He's not a big drinker, so this was out of character as well as very annoying.

He would come crashing in in the early hours and collapse in a heap on the sofa.

He stopped doing it when one night I lost patience, put the bolt on and he was forced to sleep in the car. It was a very long, cold, uncomfortable night,

Sometimes it takes a grand gesture to make a man people get the message.

StuntGirl · 22/12/2012 08:38

He was a bit of a selfish knob for forgetting his key and not charging his battery, especially as I'm sure he knows you still have things to do and are going out today. It sounds like his Christnas has started now so he's let his hair down, whereas yours hasn't because you're still working.

Please follow steppemums advice and go and enjoy a lovely day with your friends. He had an enjoyable Christmas evening last night, you get one today. He's only hungover, he'll cope!

TheNebulousBoojum · 22/12/2012 08:40

He's being an arse, and yes it is his fault. I wouldn't have been very understanding if either of my two children had done this, let alone a partner.
keys, phone, money...how hard is that?
He's having a go at you because he's in the wrong and covering it up by being a double arse.
Give him a list of stuff to get done in the next couple of days, wrapping is not an exclusively female task, nor is shopping, cleaning or childcare. Unless you think it is.

Original poster
MamaGeekChic · 22/12/2012 08:40

No there was no foot tapping and no rant, he came in, put his takeaway down and promptly fell asleep on the floor. I then locked the door and went to bed.

OP posts:
pictish · 22/12/2012 08:41

My DH was on his works do from midday the other day but I picked him up at 8pm as I refused to put 2 kids to bed by myself.

You read it right.

Only on mumsnet.

SarahBumBarer · 22/12/2012 08:41

Yanbu but you WILL be martyrish if you sulk today and miss lunch or take DD with you. You will probably feel a bit better once you are out with good company and not dwelling on what has happened.

FWIW if DH did not have a key, I would not be able to sleep with the door locked because I'd know that he would be disturbing me when he got home.

Must say that I'm surprised that ONE night of reduced sleep is having quite such an effect.

TheNebulousBoojum · 22/12/2012 08:41

pictish Grin

Original poster
MamaGeekChic · 22/12/2012 08:42

Ha! wrapping is definitely my job... I'd be mortified to hand out his crumpled efforts! I could do a better job with newspaper and duct tape Wink

OP posts:
KeepCalmAndHaveAnotherMincePie · 22/12/2012 08:44

I went to my Christmas party without my house keys last year. I had no idea until I got home. It wasn't deliberate - I thought I did have them (had swapped handbags at work before going out and didn't transfer keys).

OP - go for your lunch and leave DD. She will be fine. If this morning is a write off, do anything you can that would be useful even if it's writing up a list for the shopping or jobs that need to be done. Most importantly don't do everything yourself - rope in your DH!