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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this was a bit over the top

127 replies

cuteboots · 17/12/2012 09:20

Ok so saturday tried to go xmas shopping with my 9 year old son. Whilst standing in the queue in boots there was a lady behind us with quite a bad facial disfigurement. My son looked at her and then looked away however she obviously didnt like this and said in a really loud voice " here we go again im getting gawped at" She then said to my son stop staring at me! Was I wrong to pull her up for this and say that he wasnt being rude and was just a normal little boy and he didnt mean to annoy her?! My son left the shop really upset bu this and kept saying " I didnt mean to be horrid mum"

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 17/12/2012 09:22

I'm sure your son didn't mean any harm but put yourself in her shoes, she probably does get stared at all the time and it must be bloody hard for her.

ChameleonCircuit · 17/12/2012 09:24

I'd have been tempted to say "you weren't getting gawped at until you started mouthing off!" As long as your son was just glancing and not staring - is he supposed to walk around with his eyes shut just in case he looks at someone? Xmas Confused

Imaginethat · 17/12/2012 09:26

She was rude and unkind.

pictish · 17/12/2012 09:29

Ah she was rude. She was probably having a shit day and gets a lot of staring.
There was no need for her to have a go at your lad though...I would've stuck up for him too.

How did she react when you explained that he meant no offence? Did she calm down?

Jingleallthejay · 17/12/2012 09:34

she probably gets stared at all the time and has built up a defence still bloody rude though your son didnt gawp he glanced and then turned away , Id have said well everybody is gawping now eh as she was mouthing off,

Helltotheno · 17/12/2012 09:36

Eeerr, I do have a bit of sympathy for her actually. My DD has a habit of staring at anything unusual and I pull her up immediately for this because at 9, which she is, it's a bit rude and 9 is old enough to know that... sorry...

squeakytoy · 17/12/2012 09:37

She was rude but may have been at the end of her tether with people staring. Having seen the pain my dad went through after having half his face removed due to cancer, and the amount of staring that people of all ages did, I can understand a little how she may have been feeling that day and while she shouldnt have spoken to him like that, but she has to go through that every day and life must be very difficult for her.

Jingleallthejay · 17/12/2012 09:39

but he turned away he didnt gawp he was probably looking to see who was standing behind him he was maybe a bit distracted and was just looking around 9 year olds do do that.

I agree Squeaky she has probably had a really rough time of it still to shout at a litte boy,

Paiviaso · 17/12/2012 09:39

I think she's probably really sensitive about it. She did overreact but you could understand that she may be frustrated about being different.

BIWIshYouAMerryChristmas · 17/12/2012 09:41

Possibly a bit OTT but surely you could imagine why she would react this way? Why the need to start an AIBU thread about it?

Helltotheno · 17/12/2012 10:00

but he turned away he didnt gawp
unlikely or she wouldn't have reacted the way she did!

Battlefront · 17/12/2012 10:08

TBH I don't think even you would have noticed him glancing and then turning away, he must have been gawping a bit, which is probably a natural thing for a 9 yo to do.

She was OTT, but I think her problem is bigger than yours.

FierySmaug · 17/12/2012 10:10

Having a facial disfigurement doesn't give her the right to be rude.

BegoniaBampot · 17/12/2012 10:15

Think we can cut her a bit of slack and given you an opportunity to talk to your son about this and how she felt and how he should react to such things.

MrsMushroom · 17/12/2012 10:16

9 is too old to look for long enough to annoy. Yabu.

Original poster
cuteboots · 17/12/2012 10:16

helloto the no- Unfortunately a 9 year old little boy is going to stare and I think this was quite normal. He did look away really quickly and then hid behind me as she then started kicking off . Even more people started staring at her after this.

BIWIshYouAMerryChristmas- Because Im trying to bring my son up to be polite and have manners so this annoyed me a bit.

OP posts:
MrsMushroom · 17/12/2012 10:17

Its a fine line....a glance is a glance....one or two seconds too long and its a gawp.

squeakytoy · 17/12/2012 10:18

A 3 - 5 year old may stare, but I would say a 9 year old should be old enough to know better. I wonder if he was perhaps staring for much longer before you noticed him.

GreatUncleEddie · 17/12/2012 10:20

I would tell my son that I know he tried not to upset her, but that he obviously looked a little bit too long and the lady was bound to be over sensitive because it must happen to her all the time. I woukd then point out that it is much worse for her to be permanently disfigured than it is for him to feel upset today and I would let it go.

Helltotheno · 17/12/2012 10:26

and I think this was quite normal

Yes it's quite normal and instinctive for children that age to stare but I think parents should point out that it's rude because ime, there's nothing worse than seeing an adult staring at someone who has something unusual about them and obviously those adults' parents didn't teach them somewhere along the line that it's bloody rude!

MrsReiver · 17/12/2012 10:29

Unfortunately a 9 year old little boy is going to stare

No, I think 9 years old is old enough to know better than to stare.

PoppyPrincess · 17/12/2012 10:42

I feel sorry for the woman, she obviously gets stated at a lot and I always think you never know what else is going on in someone's life so I think you can't really judge her reaction.
For all you know she might have just found out that her husband is having an affair, maybe her mum has just died, maybe her kid is seriously ill.
So yes maybe she shouldn't have reacted the way she did but clearly it wasn't just because your son looked at her, it was because people are always staring at her.
She is only human and I think most of us can turn a blind eye to things most of the time but then there comes a moment when we can't ignore it any longer and we flip.
I suspect that your son won't be staring at people in future!

CluffyDude · 17/12/2012 10:48

She probably was hacked off with people looking at her, for which I can't blame her.
However she chose to take it out on a child.

Your DS is not responsible for others staring at her and his reaction (to look away to avoid being rude) sounds normal to me.

I feel sorry for the woman, but she was nasty in this instance.

nailak · 17/12/2012 11:49

and this is why when people see disabled/disfigured people they look in the opposite direction and pretend they havent seen them.

Mumof2GorgeousGirls · 17/12/2012 12:54

No, there was no need for that at all. Especially to a young child!

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