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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this was a bit over the top

127 replies

cuteboots · 17/12/2012 09:20

Ok so saturday tried to go xmas shopping with my 9 year old son. Whilst standing in the queue in boots there was a lady behind us with quite a bad facial disfigurement. My son looked at her and then looked away however she obviously didnt like this and said in a really loud voice " here we go again im getting gawped at" She then said to my son stop staring at me! Was I wrong to pull her up for this and say that he wasnt being rude and was just a normal little boy and he didnt mean to annoy her?! My son left the shop really upset bu this and kept saying " I didnt mean to be horrid mum"

OP posts:
2old2beamum · 17/12/2012 17:49

Please OP if I can teach my 3 DC's with Down Syndrome not to stare by the time they were 9 I am sure you can teach your DS. You could have defused the situation by telling your DC not to stare and apologise to the lady

MrsDeVere · 17/12/2012 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shockers · 17/12/2012 17:51

I would look away quickly because I wouldn't want someone to think was staring, not because I find disability or disfigurement distasteful (I have a DD who doesn't look like her peers and has MLD). But then I would feel bad about looking away quickly too, so I would probably look back and smile.

I'm 46 and I struggle with situations where I feel I might cause offence, a 9 year old's brain wouldn't naturally process what he had seen and then deal with it sensitively and rapidly, it would take a few seconds.

I can see both sides here, it must be awful to be gawped at because you look 'different' (my stomach knots when I see other girls of DD's age staring at her), but it sounds like your son bore the brunt of this lady's frustration with others, not just with him.

It might be an opportunity to discuss with him the most empathetic ways of handling similar situations in the future.

Ephiny · 17/12/2012 17:53

I think 9 is old enough to know not to stare. You might have a point if he was two.

I think you should have briefly apologised and left it at that tbh. Rather than try to 'pull her up', which probably just prolonged the upset and embarrassment for your son.

DeWe · 17/12/2012 17:55

My dd said one time in her dream land she could walk down the street without people staring.

She was born with one hand. You can just about hide that from the casual glancer, but wherever she goes people, particularly children turn round to have a second look.

Floggingmolly · 17/12/2012 17:58

Unfortunately a 9 year old little boy is going to stare and I think this is quite normal
But your AIBU hinges on the fact that he didn't stare...
He obviously did, and little boy or not, (he's 9, not 4), 9 year olds are well old enough to know how rude it is.
You should have apologised, instead of starting a thread trying to vindicate your child's bad manners.

MrsDeVere · 17/12/2012 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 17/12/2012 18:06

If it was the end of a long day of rude people giving you the hairy eyebrow you might possibly snap.

Absolutely. I completely agree. You never know what's going on in other people's lives so it's always best to be forgiving when you can be, and it's understandable that the lady snapped.

But you could also say its completely understandable that when you are a nine year old child and you come across something that you have never seen before, that you might look for a little too long, even if you understand that you really shouldn't.

OP, don't let it upset you. Whether the woman had an understandable reason for speaking the way she did to your child or not, your son did not deserve her rudeness.

shockers · 17/12/2012 18:08

DD is 14 next week, she has all the downsides of being 14, spots, braces, hair that is greasy by 11am after being washed at 7am, plus her other difficulties. It's when girls her own age look at her with distaste that I feel most upset.

MrsDeVere · 17/12/2012 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustFabulous · 17/12/2012 18:13

"Eeerr, I do have a bit of sympathy for her actually. My DD has a habit of staring at anything unusual and I pull her up immediately for this because at 9, which she is, it's a bit rude and 9 is old enough to know that... sorry..."

Helltotheno - you have to look at someone before you can stare and you often look at people without seeing them. How was he to know she had a disfigurement without looking at her? And he immmediately looked away anyway. I expect she picked on him as he was a child and wouldn't have dared say it to an adult.

Galena · 17/12/2012 18:31

JustFabulous later in the thread it turns out the DS did stare.

Might've been worth reading it?

Mouseface · 17/12/2012 23:15

My son, Nemo, has a feeding tube taped to his face. He has since birth. He gets stared at ALL of the time. Some children ask me what it is and I tell them. Why not?

They are inquisitive to a certain point and then sometimes rude. I'm used to both. Take the fear away, normalise the face......

Scars, birthmarks, etc can't be caught. Just be honest. Fear is bred by ignorance and embarrassment. Talk about it. X

AmberLeaf · 17/12/2012 23:37

I think she was rude and fairly aggressive considering she was talking to a child.

OPs son may have been the 10th person to look at her that day, so maybe that justifies her being rude? I don't think so but some do.

My son gets stared at sometimes, people even go a step further and start talking about him even if I am within earshot.

When adults do it, I will first give a short explanation if I feel like it and circumstances permit, but when they are clearly being nasty I just want to tell them to fuck off and would feel totally justified in doing so.

If a child stares, I don't feel angry at all. though Im sure most times their parents feel embarrassed and have a little chat with them once we are out of sight.

PumpkinPositive · 17/12/2012 23:39

She was rude and overreacted but your son may simply have caught her on a day when she was at the end of her rope with it all.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 18/12/2012 02:11

I actually think its good your son saw that his actions had upset the woman, and that he was upset to have upset her.

That's the right reaction to have. It shows he's a good kid and empathetic. He will not stare and upset someone again.

You have no excuse though. Why on earth didn't you apologise when you saw she was upset?

Original poster
cuteboots · 18/12/2012 09:43

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza-You are correct and hindsight is a lovely thing to have but having to drag a child round the shops xmas shopping probably didnt help in this situation ; 0 (

OP posts:
cloudpuff · 18/12/2012 10:23

My dd is 7 and knows not to stare at people and has done for a long time so I would imagine a 9 year old should know its bad manners. He didn't intentionally mean to upset her but he did, and should have apologised.

The towns are busier than normal this time of year and the lady has probably been stared at more than she usually is so I can imagine how fed up she must be, maybe she should'nt have snapped at a child but you should have said apologised, or even made your son apologise.

I have bells balsy, and I am so paranoid about people looking at me, its hardly noticable now, but when I first got it at 12 years old the amount of obvious staring really dented my confidence (mostly from adults) as it still affects me to this day. Im afraid to smile in public because its obvious.

9 years old is young, but its not too young to have a grasp of basic manners or social skills (excluding sn) You should treat today as a learning curve for your son, he knows not to stare now, its natural to jump to your sons defense, and although he meant no harm try putting yourself in the ladies shoes, being called up on his staring is a very small thing.

cloudpuff · 18/12/2012 10:25

Just re read my post and it sounds a bit patronising, sorry I didnt mean it that way, I meant its a crappy thing for all parties invloved but try to take something positive from it.

Floggingmolly · 18/12/2012 11:52

What has having to "drag" your 9 year old round the shops got to do with your inability to apologise for aforementioned 9 year old's rudeness?

You should both have apologised.

Original poster
cuteboots · 18/12/2012 13:29

foggingmolly-I think thats been covered already way back on this thread but thanks

Cloudpuff-your post doesnt at all patronising . It was just a bad situation that has been discussed several times with my son since it happened.

OP posts:
Galena · 18/12/2012 14:37

No, cuteboots I don't think it has been covered way back on the thread - you only mentioned it 4 posts previously as a defence 'but having to drag a child round the shops xmas shopping probably didnt help in this situation'

It's not her fault you were dragging your 9 year old round the shops - her experience was that he stared, she got cross, neither of you apologised.

Original poster
cuteboots · 18/12/2012 14:44

GALENA- Firstly hes a child and probably wasnt aware he was doing anything wrong as mentioned previously. Secondly she was downright rude and may have been having the day from hell but Im still not sure why I would appologise for her rudeness?

OP posts:
Galena · 18/12/2012 14:58

No, you wouldn't apologise for her rudeness - you apologise that your son was staring and be seen to speak to him about it - so he learns (TBH at 9 he should KNOW that he shouldn't stare - as lots of people have already said).

If you had apologised, you would probably find that she also then apologised to you and said 'Oh sorry - it's just been a bad day - I was probably a bit brusque' and everyone would go away happier.

Galena · 18/12/2012 14:59

It's common courtesy.

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