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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this was a bit over the top

127 replies

cuteboots · 17/12/2012 09:20

Ok so saturday tried to go xmas shopping with my 9 year old son. Whilst standing in the queue in boots there was a lady behind us with quite a bad facial disfigurement. My son looked at her and then looked away however she obviously didnt like this and said in a really loud voice " here we go again im getting gawped at" She then said to my son stop staring at me! Was I wrong to pull her up for this and say that he wasnt being rude and was just a normal little boy and he didnt mean to annoy her?! My son left the shop really upset bu this and kept saying " I didnt mean to be horrid mum"

OP posts:

Jingleallthejay · 17/12/2012 15:17

ach i get started at every day by somebody I really dont know which is worse the adult starers or the adults who make a fuss of children and say don't stare it is rude,then hurry them away
How i handle it is I ignore it yes it is rude to stare of course people do it children AND adults I would never make a huge deal of it but i am assuming this woman is sick to the back teeth of people looking at her and stood up for herself, still stands though shouting at a 9 year old isn't on if somebody without a disability or disfigurement did that people would be baying for blood,

Jingleallthejay · 17/12/2012 15:17

Stared*

peaceandlovebunny · 17/12/2012 15:30

you were wrong. you should have taught your child to have good manners and you haven't. you compounded the error by being rude yourself.

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 17/12/2012 15:38

Yanbu. All the people saying 'she will get stared atvall the time' she probably does, but clearly not as much as she thinks.

It doesn't give her license to be rude. The op has made it quite clear her son didn't stare he looked and looked away.

my mum is disabled and it makes her upset when people look at her, in passing, then clearly look the other way I a determine attempt not to stare. I can see why people do now.

Yes she was probably having a bad day. But she is contributing to her own bad day and its not a Childs fault.

Original poster

cuteboots · 17/12/2012 16:00

peaceandlovebunny- I can rest assured that my son is very well mannered thanks . Its one thing I am very strong on as there are too many children out there who dont even say please or thank you. I was also brought up to think that manners cost nothing but thanks for your input ; 0 ) Im not sure where I was rude in all this either as I just walked away while she was having her rant??!

OP posts:

threesocksfullofchocs · 17/12/2012 16:02

well as someone who has a dd who is stared at by children all the time, and yep their parents use the same excuses as the op.
I feel for the woman.

threesocksfullofchocs · 17/12/2012 16:03

oh and if your 9 year old stared at my dd. I would say something.

Original poster

cuteboots · 17/12/2012 16:07

threesocksfullofchocs- easy tiger ! A bit sensitive i feel

OP posts:

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 17/12/2012 16:09

OP its a sensitive subject. Why people are convinced you son must have been staring and being rude, as opposed to what you said, I don't know.

I best start training my kids to stare atcteh ground when they are out. Apparently anything else is rude

YourHandInMyHand · 17/12/2012 16:11

I feel for this woman. I get stared at a lot as I have a very large skin graft scar. I have also had people staring at DS in his special needs pushchair, and then his wheelchair. Thankfully my son is oblivious but I am not.

I have told older children off. Simply by stating "it's rude to stare". Wouldn't tell a pre-schooler off, but 9 is old enough to know staring is rude, and I would assume as he clearly hasn't been taught this by his parents that I'm doing the child a favour as not all people that are stared at respond verbally.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 17/12/2012 16:13

yes 9 years old plenty old enough to have been taught that staring is rude. Mannners do indeed cost nothing, so perhaps you can open discussions with your son about considering other people's feelings. Perhaps you were gawping too?

MsElleTow · 17/12/2012 16:15

"Unfortunately a 9 year old little boy is going to stare and I think this was quite normal"

No it's not, it's rude! The lady is a person, she has feelings just the same as everyone else! Imagine how she feels getting stared at day in and day out!

I know how she feels, I am disabled. Parents think it's cute when their little darlings are nearly walking into things because they are too busy staring at me! "Ooh yes darling that lady has baddy legs! Oh dear!" they go in their baby talk when what they should be saying is "Come along, it's rude to stare!"

Your DS is 9, teach him some manners!

KenLeeeeeeeInnaSantaHat · 17/12/2012 16:19

Having a facial disfigurement is no excuse for being rude. If she felt that your son was staring, there are many more polite ways to have expressed her objection.

That said, I do think it would be good to talk to your son about how difficult it must be to have a visible disability or disfigurement, and that while he was just looking without meaning any offence, lots of people do point and stare, or even laugh and it's really awful for the people to have to endure that day in, day out.

nailak · 17/12/2012 16:21

why should they be saying it is rude to stare rather then acknowledging that yes there is something different, and that is ok?

just saying "come along" sounds like there is something shameful and embarrassing about disability and we shouldnt acknowledge or mention differences.

fluffyraggies · 17/12/2012 16:22

I'm amazed at how many posters are responding assuming the OP is either lying or mistaken about the situation and her son. What is the point?

We may as well respond imagining the boy kicked the woman. Or visa versa. It's pointless ranting about something that hasn't happened according to the OP surely.

Original poster

cuteboots · 17/12/2012 16:27

I think my son was shocked by her face as it was very a very bad disfigurement and hence he stared at her as I think most people would have done even an adult. I now appear to be being flamed for my son having a lack of manners but im not sure where this is coming from?. Im always having chats with my son about the fact thats its rude to stare and not everyone looks the same etc etc.

OP posts:

MmmnoodlesoupIsDueXmasEve · 17/12/2012 16:27

Nah I think she was rude and very defensive. I'm sure she gets stared at a lot by people but she could actually try and change that by educating young people.

I knew a woman with a birthmark on her face who used to come to my workplace. When a child would stare (which is very normal) she would start chatting to them and tell them about it and how she is no different to everyone else.

MmmnoodlesoupIsDueXmasEve · 17/12/2012 16:28

Plus your son seemed very upset that he had upset a woman. 9 is still very young IMO.

threesocksfullofchocs · 17/12/2012 16:29

cuteboots Mon 17-Dec-12 16:07:52
threesocksfullofchocs- easy tiger ! A bit sensitive i feel

oh yes.
perhaps if your child was stared at you would be.
just because the parents can't be arsed to teach their darlings that staring is rude.
you op were the one who said....
" Unfortunately a 9 year old little boy is going to stare and I think this was quite normal."

ill-mannered and rude

MrsDeVere · 17/12/2012 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MmmnoodlesoupIsDueXmasEve · 17/12/2012 16:31

He didn't stare though, it sounded like he turned around to look and saw something unusual so maybe hesitated to look away quicker than usual. I'm sure most adults would do the same actually, it's natural.

MsElleTow · 17/12/2012 16:35

Nailak when I go out, I don't want to be stared at! I want to go about my business like everyone else. The only thing that makes me different is that I use either crutches or a wheelchair. To me, that does not mean I should have children, and adults, staring at me. Children are inquisitive so they look, I get that, that is how they learn, but when they keep staring and staring and are being dragged off, still looking at me, I think it is rude and I think they should be told to stop!

MrsDeVere · 17/12/2012 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsElleTow · 17/12/2012 16:37

Noodlesoup, the OP has since said he did stare!

BoysAreLikeDogs · 17/12/2012 16:37

yes I agree mrs DV.

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