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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so sad, Ex.p didn't tell me DD1 was performing in the school choir at local Minster

125 replies

WhoWhatWhereWhen · 16/12/2012 10:21

Yet I was told DD2 was in the school play, I asked if she just forget to tell me to which I received no response, not a word, nothing.

These precious moments in a child's life are so wonderful, shouldn't all parents be allowed to share in them?

OP posts:
lurkedtoolong · 16/12/2012 10:26

It is sad but how old are your DDs? How often do you speak to them yourself? Depending on their age you could always talk them about what they are doing.

eslteacher · 16/12/2012 10:31

That is sad. Is some kind of 'tit for tat' game going on here? In any case, presuming your DD1 would have liked you to be there, you should have been told IMO.

Original poster
WhoWhatWhereWhen · 16/12/2012 10:42

They're 7 & 8, I knew DD1 was in the choir and they had been practising in school but I had no idea they were performing in public, DD1 tends to be a bit monosyllabic about anything to do with school.

Plus the school are rubbish about communicating with me even though I've left stamped addressed envelopes with them

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 16/12/2012 10:45

Nag the school!! Make sure they know you share parental responsibility (assuming you do) and tell them you expect to be kept informed.

BrianButterfield · 16/12/2012 10:47

Thinking charitably, maybe she assumed school had told you as you've left the SAEs? Sorry you missed it though.

Mayisout · 16/12/2012 10:50

Why did ExP know?
I wonder why she is so quiet about school?

LIZS · 16/12/2012 10:53

Does the school not have a calendar on its website ?

Whistlingwaves · 16/12/2012 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dozer · 16/12/2012 11:15

That's sad, but it's not your ex's job to inform you, if appropriate school should copy you into emails/letters etc, or check the website / ring them regularly.

HappyMummyOfOne · 16/12/2012 11:25

Very sad, game playing where children are involved is awful. It sounds like the school need to be more pro active in sending you things but the ex should ensure you have seen the newsletters etc where it involves something important for the child.

kinkyfuckery · 16/12/2012 11:27

Do you usually attend all school-based stuff with/for your children?

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz · 16/12/2012 11:28

Do the school have a website? Or send the newsletters home by email? My DS's primary does both. It might be worth checking the school website for forthcoming events, and also asking for the newsletters to be emailed to you.

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz · 16/12/2012 11:30

Thing is, not all Ex's are like that. Also, if you have PR (which I assume you will as you are likely to be on their birth certificates, and it is automatic PR for a parent named on the Birth Certificate if their birth was registered on or after 1st December 2003), then the school are legally obliged to send you copies of all newsletters and a copy of every school report.

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz · 16/12/2012 11:34

Moan at the school! I used to have to when they weren't sending him copies of DS1's school reports. It's not so bad now because DS1's stepbrother attends the same school, so he can moan at the office himself.

Don't get involved in any games your ex is playing, take it out of your Ex's hands (sorry, can't tell if you are Mum or Dad), and use the Internet to your advantage.

Do you do any drop offs or pick ups yourself? If so, most schools will have copies of newsletters in the office too, and you can ask them to photocopy it for you too.

Pantomimedam · 16/12/2012 11:55

That's such a shame.

Agree if your ex is not great about passing on info, you need to be firm with the school. Ours emails newsletters, have they got your email address?

Not unusual for kids to be quiet about what's going on at school, loads of them will say 'not much' when you ask directly. When ds was little, I'd get a 'nothing' if I asked 'what happened at school today?', I used to get more info at bathtime, oddly enough.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 16/12/2012 12:00

Of course all parents should be allowed to share in special things their children do, but I'm not sure it's the schools responsibility to tell you if you child is in a play or whatever.

They are obliged to send two copies of reports or newsletters if asked, (ours will do this) but I don't think you can expect them to tell two parents about every little thing.

This is an issue between you and your ex.

Offred · 16/12/2012 12:23

Do you not think it is your responsibility to find out what is going on in your dc lives rather than the school/xp/dc's responsibility to tell you?

MagicHouse · 16/12/2012 12:28

This is more the fault of the school really. I would get in touch and tell them how disappointed you were to have missed it and that you don't want this happening again.

Original poster
WhoWhatWhereWhen · 16/12/2012 12:42

What I guess frustrates me is yes, all the information is there if I can piece it together, DD1 mentions she's doing "singing" at school ( this turns out to be school choir ), couple of weeks later newsletter mentions choir dates (I didn't link these two facts), it all fits into place when I ask to take dd's to another event that clashes with a future choir performance (light bulb moment)

Some people would've worked it out I guess, but is it really too much to ask for a txt from Ex.W "DD1 is singing in school choir tickets are available from school"

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoWhatWhereWhen · 16/12/2012 12:54

Yes I usually attend all the plays/ parents evenings/ sports days

OP posts:
eslteacher · 16/12/2012 12:57

The main thing is that your DD doesn't miss out again in the future by not havingyou at special events. Are you aand ex on civil terms? Can you have a discussion about what you can both do (and the school) from now on to be sure you are aware of things in the future? Maybe she assumes you did put two and two together already, but could just be asked to let you know of DDs' activities termly in future and then you can keep track of the related events via the newsletter? I'm assuming the DDs are mostly living with her?

Original poster
WhoWhatWhereWhen · 16/12/2012 12:59

Yes, I see DD's every other w/e

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 16/12/2012 13:02

I think it is up to you to be pro active - ask kids direct if they are involved in the things on the newsletter. In an ideal world then you & ex would attend these things together as the children's parent but since that obviously isn't the case you need to step up to the mark & organise it yourself.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 16/12/2012 13:07

I think it's as much your responsibility as your ex's to make sure you both know these things.

Do you do everything you should to help your ex wife out? As in help with shopping for school essentials, making sure she has enough money for everything she needs etc? If so, I don't think it's too much to ask to be sent a text informing you of things.

I get on well with my ex, and he gets copies of all school newsletters, but it does get tiresome always having to prompt him to remember dates (especially ones that are on newsletters) and tell him about every little thing.

fluffygal · 16/12/2012 13:10

I always tell my ex when school things are on, just courtesy really and I know my children would want him to be there. One of the schools my children go to are rubbish with passing on info and even as the primary carer I hardly ever know when things are on until the last minute or when we get to school and everyone's in their own clothes .