To be so sad, Ex.p didn't tell me DD1 was performing in the school choir at local Minster

[WhoWhatWhereWhen]

Yet I was told DD2 was in the school play, I asked if she just forget to tell me to which I received no response, not a word, nothing.

These precious moments in a child's life are so wonderful, shouldn't all parents be allowed to share in them?

I don't think it should be the kids responsibility to tell, they're young to think of that stuff. My DP and his ex wouldn't dream of not directly making sure the other was aware if special events that DSS would like them both to be at, because its DSS that risks missing out. Its only a case of a couple of sentences at handover or via text...

The only reason that I could see this wouldn't be reasonable to expect would be if you genuinely had the means to easily find out for yourself another way. Maybe check with your ex whether she thinks you are receiving more stuff from the school than is actually the case?

Outraged you just reminded me of something, ex. contacted me to say DD's 3month old shoes had broken and she needed some more asap !!, I said I'd take them back at the w/e and get them replaced, "No she needs them today and they must be from Clarkes!!!" 37pounds later new shoes

The shoes were needed for the choir performance in question !!!

Ps I'm out of work at the moment so 37pounds is a huge amount for me to pay

Oh come on, it isn't very difficult to predict that children might have Christmas concerts at Christmas. Surely one phone call to the school at the end of December to ask if your dds were in anything every year would mean this never happened or even bothering to ask the dds or your ex. It isn't anyone else's fault if you miss out because you haven't taken an interest and actually it is sad for the dds not for you because I'm sure they would have wanted you there.

End of November even!

offred I think you have a point, I'll probably email, but even if I ask the HT / secretary i'm not confident they'll know exactly what my dd's are doing, I think the solution lies in me and exp doing all we can to ensure a better exchange of info

i threw 'him' out when dd was 4. i asked him to ring her every night at bedtime, to talk about her day, keep in touch. he refused. at 21 she refused to have him give her away at her wedding, because he 'didn't know her'. they haven't spoken for nine years.

if you don't know what's going on in your daughters' lives, that's your fault, and you deserve everything you get. or don't get.

£37 is a lot for anyone to pay for school shoes, unemployed or not. But you aren't doing anything special by buying your dd school shoes, that is one of the basic requirements of being a parent!

The award for most ironic MN name goes to peaceandlovebunny

You have a lot to be angry about but the two situations are nothing like the same

outraged i was just making the point that imho I pay what I can afford to pay and probably more tbh.

That 37pounds means very difficult decisions had to be made.

Sometimes though, what a parent can afford to pay has very little bearing on what children actually cost. If you aren't paying your share of what your children actually cost and the other parent is having to subsidise you, then it's not surprising that she feels disinclined to inform you of everything possible.

Maybe when you find work again things will be easier, it's very stressful being unable to afford neccesitys.

Pay as you go children, I don't think that's a very good idea

'Pay as you go children'??

Is that seriously your response? You don't agree with the whole sentiment of only getting to see your children if you pay for them (neither do I by the way) and you use that as justification for not paying for them??

No wonder your ex didn't want to see you at the play.

Sorry you missed it OP.

I would suggest going to the school office staff and asking them to help keep you informed. Be nice, and try to get them onside - they are more likely to help you then.

Clearly your ex is not going to keep you informed, which is very unfortunate - and does not benefit the children.

Isn't that what you're saying?

If you aren't paying your share of what your children actually cost and the other parent is having to subsidise you, then it's not surprising that she feels disinclined to inform you of everything possible.

What if I can never work again?

I pay what i can afford to pay, how should I pay more than I have?

thats to outraged by the way

OP if you aren't working just now, then I assume you have the time to see/collect your DDs from school, at least on occasion. You have the opportunity to go and speak to your DDs' teachers, the office staff, the head teacher etc. if you aren't actually working. I'm well aware a lot of your time would be taken up with job hunting, but if missing out on school shows etc. is such a hard ship for you, you are more than capable of being assertive and getting the information you want, if you make that effort. You can pick up a phone, you can physically make your way to the school, you can open your mouth and ask the questions you need answers to. YOU have to make the effort.

But it isn't up to your ex to manage your relationship with the dds, it isn't fair to expect that that be one of their duties, co-ordinating your life for you and micromanaging your parenting responsibilities. Of course the receptionist/head will be able to give you that info! If not straight away then they can get the info and give you a call back. You aren't working, that makes it a lot easier to keep on top of things like this. Are you feeling down? Is that why things are running away from you?

sorry you missed the concert, clearly your ex isn't going to keep you informed, so you need to contact the school directly. Some people clearly think that children are pay per view, luckily the Courts don't.

Yanbu it is sad. However, now you need to make sure you are as proactive as possible in getting all info channelled to you too now you know you cannot rely on your ex to do so.

When I've asked the school (emails to the head) his response has always been to tell me to check the school website, this does have details of the choirs performances but I didn't even know dd1 was in the choir, dd1 said she was "singing at school", teacher didn't mention it at recent parents evening

I admit I didn't ask "Is there anything else you think I should know that you haven't mentioned already"

If parents are apart it is up to each parent to manage there responsibility towards there children themselves,

Schools have websites they have event calendars and if your child is in a school choir then the school will know.

A phone call to the school to ask is no big deal its your job as a parent to do that. It is not up to your ex to hold your hand and do it for you.

And children are not pay per view but they do cost money buying your children's shoes is not going above and beyond.its called being a parent. Calling children pay per view is normally in response to having normal contact reduced as a result of withdrawal do maintainance.

You know the school don't bother sending letters so deal with that with the school.

sorry that sounds sarcastic, wasn't meant to

By proactive I mean, make an appt, go in and ask how they can help you bridge this gap. Don't always rely on them to do it so frequently make additional contact without being pesty.

If you can never afford to pay for your children, then of course you should always get to see them and be involved, but I don't think you can expect the person who is having to pick up the slack to always want to tell you about everything. That's all. It would be a bit much to expect them to find the money to provide what is needed and to always make sure you got to do the nice bits.

How does your ex find out what is going on?

You should do whatever she does.