To be so sad, Ex.p didn't tell me DD1 was performing in the school choir at local Minster

[WhoWhatWhereWhen]

Yet I was told DD2 was in the school play, I asked if she just forget to tell me to which I received no response, not a word, nothing.

These precious moments in a child's life are so wonderful, shouldn't all parents be allowed to share in them?

And sticking to agreed arrangements is best for the dc btw but that doesn't stop you asking to add on extra responsibilities temporarily while you aren't working.

I've asked the school to email letters but they seem to be dragging their feet at the moment

socket That is the way exp. wants it

look as you are not working why are you not volunteering to help out in school. are you on the pta?
are you a governor ?

these are all thing you can be doing to get to know the school where your kids are
as a governor you will be invited to all the events anyways

Yes, I just find it quite irritating that you are trying to burden your ex with the responsibility of asking you to do more, telling you things you should be making an effort to find out when you are not even working atm so have plenty of time. I don't want to have to ask my ex to have his dc more, the fact he didn't bother to ask for more contact when he was unemployed/off and that he never bothered to build home links with school or find out about/come to school events made me feel he was not interested, the last thing I would do is put myself into the position of being responsible for peaking his interest because fundamentally if he isn't interested on his own pretending he is only leads to the children being let down and burdens me with a load of extra stress and responsibility for no reason.

My exp. is on the pta and is also a governor so I wouldn't be comfortable doing either.

I do a lot of volunteer work already, before anyone judges me for being a scrounger

I'm not saying you are a scrounger. I would never think that about someone who was unemployed, especially in this climate. The issue is not you being unemployed, it isn't that you missed the concert. It is that you don't seem to be making much effort with your dc, why? To a certain extent you need to suck up fears about seeing your ex at school things like PTA because it is massively in your dc's interests to have two parents who make an effort to be involved in their lives.

Offred I'm not your exp. I'm 100% sure of that.

I have tried to find things out, I taken steps to assist the flow of information and I've accepted I can do things differently.

As for burdening my exp. with the responsibility to ask me to do more, well, what do you suggest? shall I burst into her house now, tell her to put her feet up while I cook tea and put the DC to bed? perhaps I could collect the DC from school as a surprise so she can have time to herself?

I can't force exp to allow me do more with the DC, all I can do is make myself available if / when I'm needed.

Your sarcastic idiotic comments go a long way towards explaining why your a limited parent

Did you read the post where I said why don't you negotiate a different contact arrangement now circs have changed?

There isn't only a choice between absence and bastardhood you know. If your ex and you find it hard to communicate why not use a mediator to do this?

It isn't true that the best you can do is say "I'm around anytime" and then tell people you are "not allowed" to see your children because your ex hasn't "taken up your offer" which in reality is more accurately you are not making an effort to communicate with your ex or your children and then blaming them for this failure.

Your sarcastic idiotic comments go a long way towards explaining why your a limited parent

which comments are you referring too?

Offred is onto something, why don't you tell your exp that you want more contact and suggest mediation. See how that works out

offred the current contact arrangements were made in the current circumstances, since then i have made numerous attempts to improve communication (incl. mediation) and have requested improved contact, both have been rejected

Current contact is the standard every other weekend, 1 day in interveening week and building up to 1/2 school hols, i'm advised by the great and the good no court will order more than this

Can you not provide the child care if not working, that way you sould see more of your children and they will benefit as a household as no childcare costs.

I have offered to collect from school but was told on the days required ( two per week ) Ex.MiL will collect DC's

If you have so much contact, which is way more than my xp who sees them for max two hours per week, why do you not know about their lives? Also, why not join the PTA?

What happened over the split? Is there are reason why your ex won't go to mediation?

I don't think anyone with children would consider every other weekend and one day the alternate week "so much contact".
Compared with every single day prior to the split? It's nothing.
Kids can be very closed about their lives, particularly if they're being told not to talk to dad about what happens when they're with mum.

I thought I made it clear I was comparing it to my xp who has similar ideas about me needing to ask him to look after his dc and needing to tell him about every event and who only sees them for a very short amount of time each week. One evening a week and every other weekend is enough to actually play a role in their lives is what I meant.

OP If you are unemployed, why don't you see your children more often than every other weekend.

OP YANBU. It would not be much effort for your ex to send a quick 12p text to let you know your children are in a special event you can attend. It can be very difficult for non resident parents to gain information from schools and it simply isn't always possible for schools to send a copy of every single letter to the non resident patent, especially by post. I frequently get letters about meetings and events which are in the next few days which wouldn't get to the parent by post. Also we get several letters a week. Some dont even go via the receptionist, some of typed up and printed out by the class teacher who probably doesn't have the time to then go sending copies to all the non resident parents.

Hopefully in a few years time, you can cut out any middle man and your children will be able to let you know about these events and you won't miss out.

Because that's the contract arrangement and exp wont change it, I can't speculate as to why

Do you not think you should know why? I find it incredibly strange that you could have a contact arrangement that doesn't suit you and means your ex needs to use your exMIL to do pick ups but you don't know the reasons for it.

When making contact arrangements using solicitors it was impossible for me to have not explained the reasons behind my suggestions in the negotiations.

Why do you assume that contact arrangements are made through solicitors?

My DH has to beg for crumbs of contact (but it is every weekend, so you'd probably consider it "so much"), he's too scared to take it to court because in the meantime she'd reduce contact to nil (and has told DH this numerous times).

Because he said he had it on very good authority that he wouldn't get more if he went to court.

I don't think there's much that the OP can do if the ex won't be flexible about the arrangements. If the OP is unemployed they aren't going to be able to fork out for solicitor's fees and the ex could - rightly - say that it makes no sense to officially change arrangements when the OP could (theoretically) be offered a full time job tomorrow.