To be so sad, Ex.p didn't tell me DD1 was performing in the school choir at local Minster

[WhoWhatWhereWhen]

Yet I was told DD2 was in the school play, I asked if she just forget to tell me to which I received no response, not a word, nothing.

These precious moments in a child's life are so wonderful, shouldn't all parents be allowed to share in them?

Compared to two hours on a Sunday it is so much. One night and every other weekend is enough to actually know your dc is in the choir FGS.

You'd get legal aid if you were unemployed and she likely wouldn't if she is employed. Admittedly I don't know how this will be affected by LASPO or when changes are implemented.

And fine, don't change the arrangements cos it doesn't make sense but the op still needs to make an effort to be interested and involved in his dc's lives when he does have them.

Okay, sorry, I wouldn't have made the same assumption, but I can understand why you would.
DH has been told my numerous people that every other weekend is the standard and that he's very lucky to have the contact he has.
I can tell you that he doesn't feel very lucky, he misses the kids every single day they aren't with him.

That bit I agree with, but it's not really fair to ask why the OP isn't seeing them more when they've asked to and the ex has refused.

Don't rely on what you are told by various people, that's not something I would want to answer my grown up child with when they asked why they didn't see me more. IME courts look at what is best for the children in individual cases, they don't apply a one size fits all approach. If your dh is v.keen on seeing more of them and there is no good reason why not I don't see why the court wouldn't order more contact. All weekend every weekend is already quite a lot really though if a child is in school.

Offred, feel free not to answer if you don't want to, but why does your ex only see the children for 2 hours a week?

But it is because apart from anything it irks me when men are disempowered over parenting. As a parent you are equal, you shouldn't just accept what you are told, I wouldn't, the arrangements need to be in the best interests of the child and not what one parent says they want. Contact arrangements are negotiated not dictated normally unless there is some reason why the child needs protecting from one parent. If there isn't a reason the op needs to be kept at arms length why is he allowing his ex to dictate and helping keep himself powerless by making her the gatekeeper in situations he doesn't need to?

MulleredWhines Sun 16-Dec-12 15:49:35

You need to work on your relationship with your children. Your daughter talks to you about 'singing' at school, and that's the end of the conversation ? You don't ask her what she's singing and where ? And if she enjoys it and can she sing something for you? > And then when you know she's in the choir, you get a newsletter with choir dates and you don't make 'the connection' ?

Couple of reasons why court is not an option in DH head.

1. DH won't put the kids through the stress of having an official effectively asking them who they like better mummy or daddy.
2. As soon as court is mentioned the Ex will withhold all contact, and family court is very busy, it can be months to get a hearing. Personally I'd be going legal, but they aren't my kids and it's not my fight.

OP, do you think your daughter wanted you there?

Because he doesn't want to see them more than that. I'm not sure he could cope with it anyway. His dad abandoned him and he says he can't cope with being a dad basically. He is repeating the mistakes his dad made almost exactly but doesn't see it. He has, I think, some complex mental health issues which he is afraid to tackle.

Contact was negotiated via mediation, with a solicitor, she advised on what a court might order if we went down that path.

Offred If you enter into mediation or family court in the future just keep saying "because this is what I feel is best for the DC" and see if anyone pushes you on it because ime they wont.

Thanks everyone for the replies, I think this has gone off topic now so I'll leave there.

It has gone quite wrong when he has had them longer than that. We periodically test it because he decides he wants to see them more but it always creeps back down to two hours with him gradually just not turning up or doing something irresponsible (not getting medical attention for a child with breathing difficulties because his house was smoky/trying to cover up that he was ill) and turning up later and coming back earlier every week.

I've been through mediation and the court and a lot more was required than "because it is what I feel is right" I had to explain why and back it up with actual research as well as giving xp a shot at actually trying out what he suggested because my concern was that he wouldn't turn up/wouldn't do what he suggested as that is what had always happened before but they still made me agree to it so the court could establish whether my concerns were genuine.

'1) DH won't put the kids through the stress of having an official effectively asking them who they like better mummy or daddy.'

I'm sorry but that is SUCH a cop out. Many, many contact disputes are settled way before the children have to be spoken to at all. And if court welfare/Cafcass ARE involved, does your husband REALLY believe that his children will be asked who their favourite parent is?

No, they'll be asked about where they would rather live, what they do at each house etc etc, they aren't stupid and will understand the consequences of their responses.

Have you ever actually been through the process Vis ? Because what you are saying is innacurate and misleading.

I don't think it is that off topic, op your reason given for not knowing or being able to know about the dc lives is you are not allowed to be involved. I think the time you do spend with them should allow you to find out what is going on with them, xp for all his faults does at least know who dc friends are and what their activities/hobbies are and when they do them, he has much less contact. You could get involved with the PTA which would be a good idea if you want to build better home/school links as the NRP, you need to get over a fear of being around your ex where it interferes with your relationship with dc and I think you need to avoid making your ex the gatekeeper to your dc in any way other than strictly necessary. It does sound like there are plenty of things you can do about that but you are feeling disempowered and this won't help your dc or you. You do not have to defer to "because I say so" but if you don't make a credible argument then that will be what the arrangement ends up being.

I can't see where Vis is being misleading. It is a real possibility that the ex may cancel all contact during lead up to court, from court application to court appearance you are talking at least 2 months and then unless the parents agree to increase contact, there is another real possibility a further directions hearing will be planned for another 3 months time while CaFCASS investigations etc are undertaken and it is not that uncommon for non resident parents to apply to court for more contact and end up with less! That is the risk non resident parents take when they apply to court.

MulleredWhines no I haven't been through the process myself, but I do have family heavily involved in the process (CAFCASS and magistrates), so yes, I am confident that what I am writing is accurate.

I'm not talking about what the ex may or may not do. I'm talking about the insinuation that once court is mentioned, children are lined up and interrogated about which parent they love most. Which is NOT the case in the vast majority of contact cases. And which is a cop out of an excuse for not fighting to see your children

I'm interested Mullered, why would you think that going for court contact would help in DH case? (Every weekend contact but hit and miss as to exactly when, for example we still don't know when we'll see the kids over christmas).
When I say I'm interested it's because I would prefer to have contact agreed and written down, DH believes he'd get less contact and that the kids would be affected so refuses to push it.

I believe that if there is no history of abusive behaviour (and my that I mean proven abuse) the very least he 'should' be asking for is a contact order for contact every other weekend, and depending on the logistics and distances involved, an overnight stay once a week, with half of the school holidays. and that's the absolute minimum.
And if his Ex saw a solicitor, and again, there was no evidence of abusive or neglectful behaviour, she would be told that that would be the minimum that she could reasonably agree to.
I have been going through the court process for well over 12 months now with an abusive Ex. Without fail, on EVERY court date, I sit in the corridor and get talking to other people who are there for a first hearing. And without fail, SOME of those people leave the court building having reached agreement via solicitors huddling in corridors.
It needn't be the awful, long drawn out traumatic process that you think it is. In fact, I applied to the court first and agreed exactly the contact outlined above without even seeing the judge. My kids didn't even know the courts were involved for that first contact order. It was only when Exs behaviour towards the kids deteriorated that things for us became so complex and even then, the children have been largely shielded from it all.

So are you suggesting that he agrees to less contact than he currently has? Every weekend down to every other weekend plus 1 day. She will not agree to even legalise the current contact, DH has tried that already.
And just fyi she kicked him out of the house because she "no longer loved him", he later found out that she'd been having an affair for 2 years.
I'm sorry that your ex is abusive, it must be hell.