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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so sad, Ex.p didn't tell me DD1 was performing in the school choir at local Minster

125 replies

WhoWhatWhereWhen · 16/12/2012 10:21

Yet I was told DD2 was in the school play, I asked if she just forget to tell me to which I received no response, not a word, nothing.

These precious moments in a child's life are so wonderful, shouldn't all parents be allowed to share in them?

OP posts:

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 16/12/2012 15:11

OP you are relying on others telling you as opposed to you asking about your DDs. You need to ask questions, and make it clear what you are asking for. Your DD telling you she is singing at school is her telling you something that you then need to ask more about. You are blaming your ex, when the school told you to check the website and your DD told you she was singing at school. If you then don't ask questions, you cannot then blame others for your lack of knowledge.

Original poster

WhoWhatWhereWhen · 16/12/2012 15:31

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza she would get letters from school, I recently found out the school sends out many more letters than those that find there way onto the website, the school have stamped addressed envelopes but dont use them. I'll be addressing that issue tomorrow morning.

OP posts:

MagicHouse · 16/12/2012 15:32

I think that if you want to attend events, then you need to contact the school. You're right, a text from your ex to tell you might have been useful. But it didn't happen. You can easily find out another way, so I would simply contact the school, tell them what happened and say you wish to know of significant events in future. Have you asked your ex about it by the way? Maybe she assumed you knew?

Offred · 16/12/2012 15:35

If you are not working why aren't you more involved with the dc? How in the hell could you not know she was in the choir and why is that anyone's fault but yours?

You get one chance at this and no-one is going to do it for you. Not knowing your dd is in the choir is a clear sign to me that you are not taking an adequate interest in your dd's lives. I cannot imagine not taking my dc to school everyday and/or picking them up when I wasn't working (if possible), if you can't contribute money right now you definitely can be contributing time and interest, can't imagine not even bothering to find out what their social lives were like and their interests, if I didn't live with them all the time I'd be really proactive about making sure I found out about these things...

This pity party you seem intent on having for yourself is really winding me up, probably am projecting a bit because it is the same sucky attitude my xp has but still - what are you playing at? It is your dd who should be sad that you don't know what's going on with her and don't seem to be motivated to contribute much and instead just shrug your shoulders and say "what can i do?" Or blame other people for not managing your life...

MulleredWhines · 16/12/2012 15:49

You need to work on your relationship with your children. Your daughter talks to you about 'singing' at school, and that's the end of the conversation ? You don't ask her what she's singing and where ? And if she enjoys it and can she sing something for you?

And then when you know she's in the choir, you get a newsletter with choir dates and you don't make 'the connection' ?

This is YOUR issue OP. Did you take time off work to attend every school concert/performance BEFORE you split with your Ex ? Or are you just playing victim/disney dad now?

LIZS · 16/12/2012 16:05

So if you see them every other w/e surely you can look on the website for the upcoming events and ask them if they are involved. It may be a school trip, concert, author visit etc - some of which you may be included in, others not but just showing the interest generally wouldn't hurt.

Offred · 16/12/2012 16:35

Are you feeling down? Is that why you are struggling to maintain an interest?

Whistlingwaves · 16/12/2012 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3b1g · 16/12/2012 16:45

YANBU to be sad you missed the concert / service.
YA possibly BU to blame your XP.
I often find myself going through school newsletters and calendars of events with a fine-tooth comb, asking DCs which of these events they are involved in, especially with the eldest (12) who tells me nothing and then expects me to know what he hasn't told me.

Offred · 16/12/2012 16:49

It isn't about missing stuff whistling (which everyone does) it is about not knowing your child is in the choir which is not something you should miss and also thinking it is other people's responsibility (dd/the school/the ex) to tell you what is going on in your dc lives and that is the reason you have missed stuff not that you have missed things yourself.

Original poster

WhoWhatWhereWhen · 16/12/2012 17:59

offred I would contribute all my time if I was allowed to do so but I'm not.

I certainly don't blame dd for not telling me and I do have an interest in finding out what's going on.

I think I could do more and will be more specific in the future when i communicate with the school but, I don't see the harm in exp. checking i'm aware when something special is happening, if the roles were reversed i would do just that.

OP posts:

Offred · 16/12/2012 18:03

The harm is that you are relying on your ex doing that and blaming your ex when that hasn't happened. All the "i just think we should communicate better" is quite nasty because you are trying to manipulate yourself into looking like the good guy whilst simultaneously trying to offload parenting responsibility onto your ex. There isn't harm in someone letting their ex know about things if they want but it shouldn't be the way you find out about things and when you have separated it is much easier on the children if you behave as though you are separate. I'm not sure what you mean by "not allowed" to spend more time with them, why is that?

VBisme · 16/12/2012 18:07

As holdmecloser said earlier, how does your ex find out about these events?

Original poster

WhoWhatWhereWhen · 16/12/2012 18:08

Letters get sent home

OP posts:

Original poster

WhoWhatWhereWhen · 16/12/2012 18:09

The school have stamped addressed envelopes but have failled to use them

OP posts:

MagicHouse · 16/12/2012 18:13

The school have stamped addressed envelopes but have failled to use them

Then the fault is clearly with the school, and you should be directing annoyance towards them, not your ex.

Original poster

WhoWhatWhereWhen · 16/12/2012 18:14

I'm not sure what you mean by "not allowed" to spend more time with them, why is that?

My exp. sticks to agreed contact times / days, I've said I'm available any time she needs me but this offer has never been taken up

OP posts:

Original poster

WhoWhatWhereWhen · 16/12/2012 18:14

needs me to look after the DC's

OP posts:

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 16/12/2012 18:19

You don't see the harm in exp checking that you're aware, but then that's because it's not you that would have to do that. You want her to make the effort where you are not prepared to. Or you want someone in the school office to remember every set of separated parents that don't communicate well and then make the effort for you.

It's Christmas, it's pretty much a given that there's going to be a school play. Why haven't you phoned the school to find out when it is and if you have to buy tickets etc? Or why haven't you phoned or texted your ex to ask when it is.

You may have had a point if this were a random play in the middle of the school year, but it's Christmas. You know it's coming!

Do you know if the school emails newsletters? Many of them do nowadays, and if yours doesn't, you should register your interest in this so that they know there is demand for it.

VBisme · 16/12/2012 18:20

The school have a legal obligation to send you information, but I'm not sure that it would cover notes about events.
Would you have time to call into the school office once a week to collect any notices.
I'm not entirely sure why you are having to justify the contact you have with your children, or the maintenance you are paying.

IneedAsockamnesty · 16/12/2012 18:20

Is there a reason for that op?

IneedAsockamnesty · 16/12/2012 18:23

Fwiw Ime notes from school are not a reliable way of communicating I'm pretty sure my kids eat them or something.

I never rely on them.

Offred · 16/12/2012 18:23

Ok but things have changed since you have lost your job so now you are available more often. What is the reason you have not renegotiated contact arrangements? Can't you see by saying "I have said anytime but it hasn't been taken up" you are again blaming your ex for you not being proactive?

Offred · 16/12/2012 18:25

You want your ex to tell you about the children's interests and activities and ask you to have the children, you don't seem to be making an effort and I think this is why you have missed out on the concert.

Narked · 16/12/2012 18:26

Your issue is with the school. If they send letters to your ex they should be sending them to you too. It's not your ex's responsibility to make sure you know what's going on. And seriously, you didn't make the link between 'singing' and 'choir'?

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