AIBU to want my baby to have the same surname as me???

[surfingbabies]

I have 3 DC from a previous relationship and I'm now expecting number 4 with my DP of 4 years..........my 3 DC have my exs surname, my eldest wants to change hers which is fine because she was born before a certain date I can change it without consent but my twins want to change theirs and they can't without my exs permission even though he only sees them at most twice a year! I am going to have to apply to the courts, when I rang them they said I would have more of a chance if mine, my eldest and the new baby all had the same!. I would like my new baby to carry my surname but my DP wants it to have his.........I completely understand his view but I really don't like my other DC having a different one to me and I find it embarrassing but more importantly my DC don't like it! My DP says that it doesn't matter because if we get married then we'll all have his surname but he's never proposed so I worry that if I do call this baby after him then years down the line we will still not be married and we will all have different surnames, I feel that if we call it my name then if we do get married we can change it as both parents will be present to do so........am I being unreasonable? I'm due in 3 weeks so need to get it sorted as its making us miserable .......

If he wants the baby to have his name then he can marry you. Simple!

We had our youngest before we were married but the wedding was booked etc and we knew it was going ahead so we used my husband's name. Saved the hassle of changing it afterwards and having to list it on every official document for the rest of his life ever but I agree that if marriage is not on the cards, it make sense for the children to have the mother's name.

Although there is still judginess about that in that people assume the father hasn't stuck around, the woman doesn't know who he is etc. We women annoy win!

Cannot. Excuse appalling mobile phone typing.

Why the assumption that women will change their name on marriage? Why should they?

No-one has answered why it is bad for a baby and mother to have different names from each other?

Outraged, you've got it the wrong way round. The current situation is that men assume their children will have their name. That's the default, which is unfair because as you say, both parents are equal.

But then you come to practicalities. Sadly many couples do split up. In the vast majority of families, it is the mother who is the primary carer and the children live with their mother most of the time after divorce or separation.

Being practical and realistic, if you are not married, it makes more sense to give the baby the mother's name, as you can be pretty sure she will be around to bring the child up. The same is not true for men. That's not prejudice, it's merely statistics.

Of course individual families each have their own individual circumstances and will make their own individual decisions...

Why is it more practical for a child to have the same name as the parent they live with? I have never encountered any difficulty with my differently surnamed children...

Add message | Report | Message poster Offred Mon 17-Dec-12 19:13:43
No-one has answered why it is bad for a baby and mother to have different names from each other?

The op did in her original post, she does not like it for Eric children

Why does it make more sense just because the Mother is likely to do the most with the child?

I've never found it a problem at all. Even on the occasions I've been called 'Mrs ChildsAndExsSurname' by school staff.

It's not a problem at all.

If there's a problem, then it's because the Father in question is a shit, the problem isn't the choice of name.

Why does my iPad substitute her for Eric all the time?

My DD has just seperated from such a twat a partner with same attitude. That is she was good enough to have his child but never in 13 years of being 'engaged' good enough to marry. She now lives alone with her son and they have different names.

Where's the OP btw ? Hope she's not too upset. l can however understand him being upset at her last suggestion i.e. changing all their names to her DCs/ her EXPs iows - if l got that right? Not condoning his shouting and swearing though but can understand him being upset at his baby and him and his partner all being given her EXs name. Would go down like the proverbial lead balloon with most men really. But as l say he is out of order to be shouting and swearing at her in late pregnancy with his child. He should be going down on one knee and she should say 'in your dreams, knobhead' if anything.

The op not liking it is not answering why it is bad or impractical for a parent and child that live together to have different surnames. As far as I can see it has absolutely no effect on your life or relationship if you have different surnames. If you are going to use the idea that it is bad or impractical to give weight to a negotiation over the name a child should have then you should at least be able to explain why and how it is bad or impractical. Presumably the op just wants her baby to have her name, just like her dp. It is a bit like a tug of war over the baby and I don't see either side as more important and actually I think the problem is bigger than the name or the marriage. The op shouldn't be trying to blackmail him into marriage if he doesn't want it and yes legally she can make the choice about the name by herself but what effect would this have on the relationship? I don't think you should be married op and I think it doesn't bode well for co-parenting if you have reached a total stalemate at the first co-parenting hurdle...

The easiest thing to do would be to change the older dc names to yours. Then agree to give baby both your names as the registrar suggested for the others ie double barrelled, not hyphenated and let DP put his name first.... Then if you do split up in the future it's dp's name that gets relegated to a middle name.....

I was not married to dh when I had our first baby and so I gave him my name, with dh's as a middle name. I changed it when we got married with no fuss and have never had to declare his original name on any documentation.

I think women should stop treating men;s feelings/opinions as more important than their own. Women are the ones who have to make a serious effort to actually have a baby and statistically are more likely to end up being the sole carer if the relationship goes tits up. Therefore it makes more sense for an unmarried mother not to give all her power away in order to appease a man child.

I'm with the posters who say that he should put his money where his mouth is. If you are good enough to have his baby, you are good enough to marry. If he won't do that before the birth then the baby should get your name and he should stfu until he is prepared to marry you and make a proper committment.

See that's the thing "power"... A child's surname should be about the child not about the parents stamping ownership on them. I think there is a good case for children having their fathers' surnames when they are borne by their mothers, obviously because that's what I based my choice on. It doesn't affect a mother at all in any way to live with a child who has a different name to them. Nor would it have affected me/dh/dc if I had wanted to keep my surname thereby ending up with three different names. I think the reason for the decision is way more important than what you actually decide to do.

There is no reason why a baby should have the mothers name just in case the Father decides to bugger off. Plenty of Fathers are excellent parents, they are 100% equal to the mother.

I think it's quite rude of you to right off half of the species because of a minority of twats.

Fathers deserve to have the same name as their baby every bit as much as mothers do.

Just because the relationship breaks down and society favours the mother generally isn't the child's fault, nor often even the father's. The child is not owned by either parent. That attitude is about control and ownership of children and really isn't any better than fathers who bugger off. Its a weapon.

And all this nonsense about children having the mothers name just cos the father might not be there is bollocks. You could easily argue the case that having the fathers name in the case of an absent father is better so that the child has a connection to the father in their absence and is a reminder that they have a second parent.

Not all men give up on their dc, but very many do and unfortunetly that is a sad fact.
Women are the ones that go through the physical affects of pregnancy, pre natal bonding and are then the ones to give birth their children.
My opinion going on personal experience is to use mums name and if a marriage was to take place, the mans surname is easily changed.

My dd has a double barrelled name, although we have no problems with her surname as such, her bio father gave up on her and hasn't seen for 9 years since she was 7m old.
I regret ever using his name at all as he bears no part in my childs life.
And yes i'm kind of angry she is part of the 'x' family as none of them including granny/grandad have nothing to do with her so they don't deserve to carry on their family line as they played no part in it whatsoever.

For me - it wasn't the childrens name that was an issue, but mine was a semi-issue.

I was married for 13ish years. when dh left (he met someone else) the boys were 11 and 5. I had taken ex-dh's name on marriage.

I didn't immediately change my name to ex-dh's on marriage - I changed it for one thing, and then it had a cascade effect, and eventually, I was known as Mrs ex - this was mainly for professional reasons that I didn't change it initially. But the pixwix boys had their dads name. We were married, I had that name eventually, and that was fine.

Ex-dh is a superb dad, and a good ex. - he is very involved in a good way - hands on, takes kids to dentist, combs for nits, buys their presents for school secret santa, and is financially and emotionally supportive in terms of the kids, and although we aren't together, we work as a team.

A year after ex-dh left, Ds1 (then 12) said musingly to me "So are you going to back to your old name now?"

I was a bit taken aback and said "why? how would you feel about having a different name to me, and me going back to my old name - I don't really mind btw" I hadn't really given it that much thought...

Ds1 said he would be cool with it, and was just being curious.

Ds2 then 6, became quite upset, and said he didn't want me to change back, and he wanted me to have the same name as his - I think for him - he'd dealt so well with the whole thing, but having a different name to me, was a tiny step too far, and he needed a small thing as a name to feel more secure for a while.

I felt bad about the boys going through all this, and didn't really much care what name I used - If it made the boys feel better to stick with the status quo at a time of turmoil - that was OK..

When they are older and it isn't an issue anymore, I plan to choose an entirely different name for myself, which is mine - not my dads, and not my husbands - and change to that

Legally you can call yourself anything you want, so long qs you're not intending to deceive. Our children are hyphenated, but one of the names is rather unfortunate and teaseworthy. We have said to them at frequent Inge ALS that if they want to drop that name and just use the one that will be fine. Not q big deal.

Goodness me, what a lot of replies........I think some of you read my post wrong! I don't particularly want to get married its just if we do it will sort out the whole surname thing but in my opinion that's not a reason to get married.....I'm certainly not trying to bully him into marrying me like one comment has suggested!!
My point was that my DC want the same surname as me and in years to come I'm guessing my baby will too then we have the same problem again and I also don't want baby to feel left out because it has a different surname to its brother, sisters & mummy!! I know it doesn't bother some families & oh how wonderful that would be but it bothers my DC so it bothers me.......
Since I started this post my DP and I have spoke about it (while he was sorting his twitter account out!!! He finds it hard to put his phone down to "talk") but hey ho........I apologised for me suggesting I took my DC names as I did realise that was ridiculous from his point of view, I don't care as its only a name! He said he felt like I didn't want to marry him as its always him who brings it up & I don't, he thinks that because I want the baby to carry my name then that means I'm settled and won't marry him......was slightly shocked by this but I've told him the baby will carry my name then if we marry we can change it to his or we marry before its registered then it can have his......I think that's fair don't you?!?
He's the laziest man I've met so I can guarantee in years to come we won't be married but as long as all my DC carry my name I don't care
Don't get me wrong marriage would be lovely but not for reasons to do with names, I do wish I could turn back time but I can't!! One comment said I shouldn't have had a child if I wanted to be married, the name thing isn't just my hang up its my eldest DC so if it was just my feelings then I'm old enough to just let it go!!! I also don't want to change my 3DC to my name then name the baby after me.....we then get married & I have to change them all again as its not fair on my DC.....marriage isn't that important to me so if all my DC carry my name then it will stay that way and I won't marry him!! I'll name baby after me, wait 6 months and if we're not married then I'll change my other DC and leave it at that
But more importantly I get to meet my baby in about 3 weeks......soooo excited

Surfing - sorry I didn't mean that to be aimed at you, lots of other posters were suggesting you blackmail him by saying you will change the surname to his when you marry, that's what I was referring to.

I think it also matters why dc want to change their names too, if it is part of anger about an absent father they want to pretend doesn't exist they may regret it later. I'm not asking btw or saying you haven't considered this, I just think with dc it isn't always simple when they say they want something, especially something quite difficult to sort out and maybe potentially difficult for them later then I think you need to make sure they fully understand and have thought through the consequences of their choice before you take action. It might prohibit them having a relationship with their father later on in their minds because they have already rejected him which might make them very conflicted or could free them to move forward instead of feeling held back. It is risky, think it needs a lot of talking through.

The only person someone's name should matter to is the person themselves, certainly I feel names do often stamp belonging and I've felt difficult about all my given names because my first and middle names were chosen to indicate my parents' faith and my surname denoted belonging to them, neither of those things I felt happy with.

Offred I know what your saying as she's been asking me for a long time now, at first I used to listen and talk to her about it but just let it go as I also thought like you but if I'm honest I don't think she has any anger for her absent father as she's never know any different from him, even when we were a couple he worked away & my DC would go months without seeing him.....he doesn't contact them either!! I've also been in touch with a family liaison officer to ask for advice so I have crossed every path and thought long & hard about it we think its an identity thing for her, we feel she needs to be apart of a two parent family, she's said shes not bothered if its my name or my DP name just as long as we all have the same! It's tough for some kids yet some don't seem to care.....my sister had a diff name to us all growing up & she really didn't care!

Well ladies, we had our DD and she is now 11weeks old........she has my surname....I put my foot down & its the best thing I ever did, I don't regret it one bit! So if there's anyone out there wonder if to do it or not then my advice is DO IT
Thanks so much for all your advise though

Congratulations! I think you did the right thing.