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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my baby to have the same surname as me???

163 replies

surfingbabies · 16/12/2012 09:12

I have 3 DC from a previous relationship and I'm now expecting number 4 with my DP of 4 years..........my 3 DC have my exs surname, my eldest wants to change hers which is fine because she was born before a certain date I can change it without consent but my twins want to change theirs and they can't without my exs permission even though he only sees them at most twice a year! I am going to have to apply to the courts, when I rang them they said I would have more of a chance if mine, my eldest and the new baby all had the same!. I would like my new baby to carry my surname but my DP wants it to have his.........I completely understand his view but I really don't like my other DC having a different one to me and I find it embarrassing but more importantly my DC don't like it! My DP says that it doesn't matter because if we get married then we'll all have his surname but he's never proposed so I worry that if I do call this baby after him then years down the line we will still not be married and we will all have different surnames, I feel that if we call it my name then if we do get married we can change it as both parents will be present to do so........am I being unreasonable? I'm due in 3 weeks so need to get it sorted as its making us miserable Sad.......

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 16/12/2012 10:21

*mind

Mapal · 16/12/2012 10:23

If he's so upset why doesn't he just sort it out by marrying you? (If you want to?). The solution is easy and he can make it happen if he wants. What's his problem?

Alligatorpie · 16/12/2012 10:25

I would give the baby your name, change it later if you want to and get married.

I am married, but did not take dh's name. Our dd's have his name as i thought our names double barelled sound pretentious. However, we now live overseas and it is a pain when I travel with the girls and need dh to write a note ( saying he is aware I am travelling with my children) with hindsight, I would have given then my name as a middle name.

Meglet · 16/12/2012 10:26

Stand your ground and give your baby your surname.

My XP forced me to give our DC's his surname (screaming abuse at me before we went to the registry office when DS was 7 days old) and I hate it.

We have nothing to do with him anymore and I don't know if I can ever change their names to mine Sad.

SugarplumMary · 16/12/2012 10:27

You could get married very cheaply - just the certificate - without any frills then have blessing with all the frills later.

I hope he stops with the emotional blackmail ? as it really isn?t fair. I hope it?s just his disappointment and he?ll start acting better very quickly to you.

Lia87 · 16/12/2012 10:28

I gave dd my surname, very much against ex's wishes, and i am so glad i did.
He went from "i'm so excited, going to be my little girl" etc to not seeing her, asking about her, replying to any attempts to keep him up to date, or paying anything, literally has no involvement.

Not saying your dp would do this, but you never know, and then how would dc feel having a different name.

Tell dp that when dc is older if they want to change their name you will sign for it. Then its the childs choice. If you give the child his surname its then his choice not the childs.

RyleDup · 16/12/2012 10:30

I'd tell him to marry you now, or you'll give the baby your name in the best interests of your other children. You could double barrel it if you wanted, but i wouldn't be giving the baby his name without a firm commitment of marriage. He can't have his cake and eat it!!

SanityClause · 16/12/2012 10:32

Surfing whether he sulks when it's a conversation about marriage, or anything else, it makes no odds. He's using his sulking as a way of getting his own way, in other words, controlling you.

Instead of discussing what is best for all of you, he's now in a strop, and has made you cry.

Would you even want to marry this man, even if he did deign to propose to you?

Your answer to "what if we get married?" is "what if we split up?". Both possible outcomes, after all.

dayshiftdoris · 16/12/2012 10:32

You are assuming something rather major here...

That if you apply to the court you will be successful

Sorry but your ex might well obstruct you changing the children's names and he's going to be MORE obstructive and have more of a legal argument if you are changing their name to that of a man who you are not married to.

Personally I think I would want baby to have my name, then change children to my name and on marriage DP change his name to my name

Whatever happens this may take months to sort out so why don't you give baby a double-barrelled surname as a status-quo

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 16/12/2012 10:32

Exactly. He does want his cake and to have eat it. I don't see why unmarried fathers should get to have their sur name carried on Confused

chrismissymoomoomee · 16/12/2012 10:34

My Mother changed my name when I was about 5, its a pain in the arse tbh. Getting a passport was a nightmare because she lost the paperwork. Every form I fill out with previous names on it I have to write both maiden names and my married one, when I started work at a nursery and had to get the crb check done it took freaking ages because they had to do full checks on all my names. I would be reluctant to change a childs name. I think you need to decide what best for your child and stick with it and not do one name now with a view to changing it.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 16/12/2012 10:34

There is no way on EARTH my x would ever give his permission to have the children's sur name changed from his to mine, and even though he visits them a few times a year and pays no maintenance, the law would support him entirely. The fact that he has 'checked out' changes NOTHING.

SanityClause · 16/12/2012 10:34

Sorry, meant to be Surfing, not italics.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 16/12/2012 10:36

oh he's made the OP cry? I missed that post. Oh this is all so famillar. A man with a huge sense of entitlement. ALL of the rights but none of the responsibilities....

MayaAngelCool · 16/12/2012 10:38

Sorry, no read the whole thread but why don't you give the baby both of your surnames? Seems a simple solution to that aspect of the problem.

sashh · 16/12/2012 10:40

How old is he 6?

SanityClause

Oh no, there aint no sanity clause, oh no..

Original poster
surfingbabies · 16/12/2012 10:49

I don't want to give the baby both names as that's not the name of my other children. I want us all to have the same......if I apply to the courts and they say no to my twins then I don't need permission to double barrel them adding my surname and the receptionist in the courts office told me if that's the case then to add my name last and not to use a dash between names that way I can just use my name and their previous name would be like a middle name! It all sounds perfect to me but then I also worry if we do get married it wouldn't be fair to change all their names again as my DP wouldn't change his........this would actually stop me from marrying him as I'm doing all this for my DC......

OP posts:
peanutMD · 16/12/2012 10:52

Just to give a bit of the Childs perspective here I have kind of been in their shoes.

When I was born my mum and dad were married (at 17yo) so I took his name.

When I was 3yo they split up and he refused contact, they divorced and my mum changed back to maiden name but left mine.

When I was 6 she met my step-dad, 2 years later they had my brother who took his dads name and then a year later they married so everyone except me had same surname which confused me so I started using it unnofficially without any consent.

At 11 my name was legally changed and all my documents came through (NI card etc) which was fine until I was 15 and my step-dad vanished (literally). So they divorced,my mum went back to maiden name leaving my brother and I with the same surname.

When I was 18 my mum met and married another man who legally changed my brothers name and they went on to have children so all except me had the same name again. Then they divorced my mum took maiden name again leaving 3 children with one name and me with another.

Now I am 26 have a child of my own with DP who I've been with for 12 years and even if the issue had arisen I couldn't give my DS my surname because technically it is nothing to me :(, to me my name is literally worthless sometimes I think of it as a false identity because by all means of birth record I simply don't exist as the person I am so I do wish my mum had just given me her maiden name or left it as it was from birth. I was actually gutted that I felt I couldn't even put my surname as part of my DS name because it would link him to a family who would never meet him or even know if him.

DP's name sounds absolutely awful with my forename so even when we get married it won't be changed, but I guess there are more important things overall but all of this might be something to take into consideration before changing anyones name.

Sorry for such an epic post but this is a subject that does get to me.

Original poster
surfingbabies · 16/12/2012 11:04

peanutMD your story is similar to my up bringing and I think thats why it upsets me so much as it hurt me growing up having a different surname to my mum, this is why I have complete sympathy for my eldest DD who wants the same name as me......it's just if I change her name I want it to be till she marries and I think that's why I'm questioning myself because if I change it to my name then we get married I will have to change it again and this isn't what I want for her or any of my DC......I can see myself changing my 3DC to my name then naming the baby after me and just never marrying him because I don't want to mess my DC around!

OP posts:
GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 16/12/2012 11:05

In your case PP I can see why you would give your child your partner's sur name. Your mum didn't value her own sur name, so why would you value the sur names of men who have disappeared from your life!?

Original poster
surfingbabies · 16/12/2012 11:07

peanutMD also my surname is worthless as I don't even know who my father is, for me it's just having the same one as the rest of my DC......I even suggested me changing my name to theirs and naming the baby after them as well but that went down like a lead balloon and he's now not only sulking but just not speaking to me at all......swore at me etc......oops!!!

OP posts:
GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 16/12/2012 11:07

ps, when you say it gets to you, do you mean you wish your mother thought about these issues more ? or that there is no point agonising over it?

What are your conclusions? that a child should have its mothers sur name if the parents aren't married? that mothers shouldn't change sur names?

Am I being thick that I can't see what you're recommending to the OP!

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 16/12/2012 11:08

I'd be more concerned about that right now surfingbabies. Your 'partner' is sulking to get his own way, swearing at you.... he is training you not to challenge him Sad

Original poster
surfingbabies · 16/12/2012 11:09

GinSoakedMu1berryLush I thought that too but thought it was just me either not reading it properly or just being a bit dum Smile

OP posts:
SugarplumMary · 16/12/2012 11:15

Surely peanutMD you could just pick a name that does mean something to you and get it changed by deed pole - though name changing is a bit of a pain.

I took DH surname after marriage because I wanted us all to have the same surname. I didn't have to though and if I'd needed the name for work reasons, as DH does with his published research, I?d have had a harder decision to make and may have kept my name.