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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my baby to have the same surname as me???

163 replies

surfingbabies · 16/12/2012 09:12

I have 3 DC from a previous relationship and I'm now expecting number 4 with my DP of 4 years..........my 3 DC have my exs surname, my eldest wants to change hers which is fine because she was born before a certain date I can change it without consent but my twins want to change theirs and they can't without my exs permission even though he only sees them at most twice a year! I am going to have to apply to the courts, when I rang them they said I would have more of a chance if mine, my eldest and the new baby all had the same!. I would like my new baby to carry my surname but my DP wants it to have his.........I completely understand his view but I really don't like my other DC having a different one to me and I find it embarrassing but more importantly my DC don't like it! My DP says that it doesn't matter because if we get married then we'll all have his surname but he's never proposed so I worry that if I do call this baby after him then years down the line we will still not be married and we will all have different surnames, I feel that if we call it my name then if we do get married we can change it as both parents will be present to do so........am I being unreasonable? I'm due in 3 weeks so need to get it sorted as its making us miserable Sad.......

OP posts:
Original poster
surfingbabies · 16/12/2012 09:46

XiCi I think your absolutely right Sad and that's why deep down I don't want the baby to have his name because I really feel he has no intentions of us getting married especially once it has his name!!!

OP posts:
SanityClause · 16/12/2012 09:47

Oh, and I am married, but have kept my own surname. My DC have DH's surname. So my DC have a different surname to me. It's not really an issue, for any of us.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 16/12/2012 09:49

I agree with this

"If he were that bothered about tradition, they'd be married."

Like my x, he might pick and choose the traditions that honour him but ignore the traditions that leave his assets exposed. Not all men are like my x but his way of thinking is not unique either

Original poster
surfingbabies · 16/12/2012 09:50

SanityClause I have discussed this with my elder DC and they just want the same name as me.......I'm not sentimental to my name so to me it doesn't matter if its mine or DP, I just think for me it's us all having the same Smile

OP posts:
TwinklingWonderland · 16/12/2012 09:51

Yanbu. I'm not married and felt like you, no way was my baby not having my name. Dp wanted his, so we double-barrelled. I think the tradition is wrong, women carry the babies, on average do more of the childcare yet men want them to have their surname?

My dp didn't want to marry me either, if he had I'd have accepted a double barrelled version of his and my name.

seeker · 16/12/2012 09:52
  1. you don't have to change your name when you get married
  2. you don't have to get married to change your name.
defineme · 16/12/2012 09:53

I think it's a real shame that you're waiting around for a proposal op-if that's what you both want why do you have to wait for him to propose? Lots of people I know who have kids already just come to a mutual decision that they are going to get married: there is no rule that the man has to start that conversation.

Dh and I had a lets get married conversation rather than a proposal. I didn't change my name because I didn't want to and felt the marriage contract was enough of an expression of my life long commitment to him. The kids have both our names and there are loads in their class that do too. In terms of where does double barrelling end-I think we'll just end up with grandchildren with a lot of middle names! I never have had a problem with any kind of officialdom re having a different name and the kids like their names.

Original poster
surfingbabies · 16/12/2012 09:54

GinSoakedMu1berryLush see this is what I don't understand, I asked why its so important for baby to have his surname but not mine......he said because its traditional so I said its not traditional to have a baby out of wed lock! So I feel he's picking and choosing tradition to suit.......he sulks rather than talks so I got no where Sad

OP posts:
SledYuleCated · 16/12/2012 09:55

'No reason to buck tradition 'just because'. Some people of course just have to buck it because they can.'

No reason to stick with tradition, just because Hmm 'Tradition' confuses me. I mean why? Why like that?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 16/12/2012 09:55

Give your children your surname, and then if you get married, your husband can change his name to yours.

There is no law that says you have to take our husbands name if you marry, so you could keep your name to be the same as your dcs. Then if it bothers him that he doesn't have the same name, he can change his.

Pantomimedam · 16/12/2012 09:55

Happens a lot, surfing. If you did a poll, I bet you'd find a lot of women who thought they'd get married to their dps at some stage, gave their baby dp's name, oddly enough dp never got round to proposing much less getting married, then they split up and the person who does 99% of the childcare is left with a different name to her children.

If a man is old-fashioned enough to assume his children will have his name, he's old fashioned enough to get married before having a baby. If he wants the first without the second, he's a hypocrite.

You have even more reason to give your baby your name, given your three eldest are already unhappy about having a different name from you.

Holly people have given plenty of good reasons on this thread for the baby to have his or her Mother's name. You may have a different point of view, but it's extremely rude to just dismiss everyone else.

McChristmasPants2012 · 16/12/2012 09:56

why not just change your name by deed poll the same time as your DC.

If i was you i would be a bit wary, i tend to overthink things and i would be worried that if this relationship ended then i would have a surname that i was not connected to anymore and the same with the 3 DC

1605 · 16/12/2012 09:57

"If he were that bothered about tradition, they'd be married." Exactly this.

You should all have your own surname and if/when you marry your partner you can decide if you want to change again then.

FWIW it's worth, I kept my own surname when married. It's 2012 now, you can do whatever you want if it doesn't do anyone else any harm.

SanityClause · 16/12/2012 09:58

He sulks when you discuss marriage? That's mature! Xmas Hmm

SantaWearsGreen · 16/12/2012 09:59

Give baby yours, when you get married change everyones.

seeker · 16/12/2012 10:03

"Give baby yours, when you get married change everyones."

Or not. Why do you want this man's name?

sashh · 16/12/2012 10:04

Why are you waiting to be asked? Why don't you tell him you want to get married and go to the registry office.

Or pick a ne utral name.

I think the most important thing is that all the children have the same surname, having three with one name and one with another can be quite damaging. You don't ever want to hear one of your children tell another they are not really brother/sister because the name is different.

Tell dp, if you want this baby to have your name then you have to marry me, otherwise it gets my maiden name and so do the other three.

Original poster
surfingbabies · 16/12/2012 10:04

defineme I thought like you until the other day, we were talking about marriage which he brought up and in the conversation he said.....well I've not proposed yet! I was left gob smacked as just thought it didn't need to be said, we are having a baby together and presumed we loved each other and that was that.......obviously not! I'm now suspicious in thinking its just to get me to call it his name but then I worry that's my hormones!!!!!

OP posts:
SanityClause · 16/12/2012 10:07

Traditionally, marriage is about a man publicly acknowledging his wife and children, and ensuring they are financially secure.

In modern times, it is about both partners ensuring the financial security of each other, and their DC, if they should have any.

The romance comes from the fact that the partners care enough about each other that this public commitment is important to them.

If he doesn't care enough about you and your DC to make that commitment, then he doesn't get to choose what name your DC have.

Original poster
surfingbabies · 16/12/2012 10:08

SanityClause I didn't mean he sulked over the marriage conversation, he sulks in any conversation if its not going his way.....rather than talk it through! So then I can't be bothered and end up leaving it as I'd rather talk about it and get it sorted!

OP posts:
Mapal · 16/12/2012 10:09

There's no way my children would have a different name to me. If the father wants his kids to have his name then he should also have enough respect to give his name to the mother of his children too. If he can't do that then they should have their mothers name. I find it astonishing the number of women that happily give this concession to a bloke who will not marry them. Why should the mum be the only person in the family unit to be excluded from the family name. Sends a bad message to the kids, that mum is worth less.

Original poster
surfingbabies · 16/12/2012 10:14

Well that says it all......I've just tried talking to him about it and told him about this post, I read him a few replies and he's now in a strop and doesn't want to talk about it as I've obviously made up my mind! Now in tears.......

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 16/12/2012 10:16

Give it your name. Then if when you get married you will have the option of changing it to his, if you wish.

You don't need him to propose, at this point its pretty much a moot point surely? You've been together a while, you're having a child together and you want to share the same name. Surely marriage is the obvious next step? If he says "Oh but I haven't proposed" tell him you don't need a 'proposal', just a mature decision between adults to get married, so when shall we do it?

And if he sulks tell him he's obviously not the mature adult you thought he was!

SugarplumMary · 16/12/2012 10:17

bet you'd find a lot of women who thought they'd get married to their dps at some stage, gave their baby dp's name, oddly enough dp never got round to proposing much less getting married, then they split up and the person who does 99% of the childcare is left with a different name to her children.

Happened to my Dsis - though her DP went as far as to propose never set a date though.

Many people these days are used to parents having different surnames to their DC - but on ocassions it can still be an issue or you met someone who makes it one.

I'd think about your older DC wanting the same surname and just tell your DP thats what happening but can be changed once your actually married.

StuntGirl · 16/12/2012 10:20

X post. Oh don't cry hun :( He sounds like he's being a bit of a wanker about all this. Seriously, his partner is three weeks away from giving birth and he's making you stressed and upset over this?

Yes your kind is made up, as is his though, clearly! Don't let him make you feel bad for doing the same thing he is doing!

I think in this situation yours and his feelings are irrelevant in the end. What is best for the kids - all of them? Whatever that answer is; do that.

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