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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my baby to have the same surname as me???

163 replies

surfingbabies · 16/12/2012 09:12

I have 3 DC from a previous relationship and I'm now expecting number 4 with my DP of 4 years..........my 3 DC have my exs surname, my eldest wants to change hers which is fine because she was born before a certain date I can change it without consent but my twins want to change theirs and they can't without my exs permission even though he only sees them at most twice a year! I am going to have to apply to the courts, when I rang them they said I would have more of a chance if mine, my eldest and the new baby all had the same!. I would like my new baby to carry my surname but my DP wants it to have his.........I completely understand his view but I really don't like my other DC having a different one to me and I find it embarrassing but more importantly my DC don't like it! My DP says that it doesn't matter because if we get married then we'll all have his surname but he's never proposed so I worry that if I do call this baby after him then years down the line we will still not be married and we will all have different surnames, I feel that if we call it my name then if we do get married we can change it as both parents will be present to do so........am I being unreasonable? I'm due in 3 weeks so need to get it sorted as its making us miserable Sad.......

OP posts:
peanutMD · 16/12/2012 11:20

Tbh I have no idea, reading it back! I'm 28 Weeks PG and my brain has turned to some serious mush :o

Basically to sum up the not having the same name as my mum never affected me as such but having my name changed to a mans who is nothing in my life did. Atleast if it was my birth name I can say yes that was my dads name but we don't have contact end of.

But instead I have to say well my birth name is 'X' but it was changed to 'Y' but there is no family link but I feel I have to keep it now.

So I would either leave your older DC's names, use DP's name for LO and get on with it or change all to your name including newest addition regardless of what DP says and refuse to change it even through marriage.

foreverondiet · 16/12/2012 11:21

Give the baby your surname. Tell your DP that if and when you get married you agree to change the babies surname to his. And that if its important to him he can marry you!

HappyMummyOfOne · 16/12/2012 11:23

I dont get why you are now suddenly embarrased about the new baby having a different name, surely you knew the issue would arise when you planned to get pregnant?

The school etc cant change the surname of the twins without parental consent from both parents and your ex is likely to object as you are trying to erase his name.

You both need to decide on this, neithers view is more important as you are joint parents. His views count just as much as yours so you need to discuss raionally and reach an agreement you are both happy with.

angeltattoo · 16/12/2012 11:24

I know so, so many women who have given their children the names of their DPs. As in everyone I know that wasn't married when they gave birth gave the DC their DP surname. I can think of only one couple that have since go married (another will next year) but most have either never got married or have split up.

One poor girl changed her name by deed poll to match, and when he buggered off, she's legally stuck with that name and unlike if they were married, she cannot revert to her original name legally!

I have always said any child of mine would have my surname. No if's, no buts. If unmarried, my name, thus can always be changed if I got married.

As it happens, i am married and took my Husband's name so when our first baby arrives next year, we will all have the same surname.

I have always said as above, i'd want my kids to have my name, whatever that may be, and always find it surprising just how many people carry, deliver and care for their children and don't have the same name!

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 16/12/2012 11:24

It's so hard not to be bullied into doing what the father wants in these circumstances. You're so vulnerable when you're pregnant. So, all I can advise OP is not to discuss it too much. If he's sulking, re-act as though his petty sulk is because you ARE going to do what it is your absolute right to do; give the baby your sur name.

There's no point discussing it (or trying to) because he's going to resort to swearing and sulking). So, don't discuss it. Do what you want to do.

angeltattoo · 16/12/2012 11:28

Forgot to say YANBU. Baby has your name, change other DC too if you can, if he wants you all to have the same name you can decide when you get married what this will be he could always change his to yours for ease

IfNotNowThenWhen · 16/12/2012 11:32

A child should have the same name as its mother. And...op, if your dp is stressing you out about this I would think very carefully if this relationship is even good for you.

Inertia · 16/12/2012 11:51

Apply to court to give all children your name.

If you ever get married to this petulant sulky manchild then he can change his name to yours, if he's that bothered about everyone having the same name.

Pantomimedam · 16/12/2012 12:04

He doesn't sound like a particularly reliable or kind man, tbh. I'd have serious doubts about a long-term future with him. But anyway, even if you do get married, you don't have to change your name to his and you don't have to change your children's names to his either.

I'd do what is right for you and your children NOW. You can't assume you'll ever get married to Mr Sulky. Maybe you will, maybe you won't but you need to make a decision now, and it sounds as if the right decision is to use your name for all your children.

Angel, your friend who changed her name by deed poll - there's no legal reason why she can't change it again. There's no law against using whatever name you fancy - you don't even need a deed poll, although that does come in handy with officialdom when you have to prove your name is your name.

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot · 16/12/2012 12:16

I wouldn't be hedging your bets with this man, frankly. And I certainly would not be giving the baby his name.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 16/12/2012 12:23

I agree. It's not as if everything else is perfect and the 'save a date' cards have gone out and you KNOW that he cares about what you want. He hasn't even proposed. And if you weren't feeling vulnerable right now I think you'd realise that you don't want him to.

Meglet · 16/12/2012 12:25

I wish registry offices would insist that babies have the mothers surname at times like this. Would save a lot of hassle.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 16/12/2012 12:30

I agree meglet. the registrar said to me "are you sure you want the sur name to be hissurname because you can't change it back?" and my x leapt in and said pompously 'the baby will be a *mysurname". and the registrar did all she could. she probably sees it all the time. She looked at me for me to answer but I felt bullied into it.

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding · 16/12/2012 12:48

I have the same question op.
Very interested in this subject as my dd hasn't seen her 'father' (if you can call him that) since she was 7 months old!
My dh has bought her up since she was just 14m old and he is all she has ever known, to her, he is daddySmile.
My dd has now been told now she is an appropriate age that her daddy isn't her 'blood father' and she seems to have accepted it pretty well, but keeps on asking why she has this horrid surname.
Like most of you i was bullied into using 'blood fathers' name, but luckily my dad made sure he came with us to registar her and made sure i double-barreled her name, which i'm so glad i did!

As my dd was born before dec 2003 is it possible for me to change her surname without this mans consent?
And how much will it cost?

pumpkinsweetieMasPudding · 16/12/2012 12:51

Oh and op yanbu, you want your surname, you go ahead and use it.
To hell with what he thinks, anyhow if you marry it will be just as easy to add his surname on!
Trust me wish i trusted my instincts.

TinyDancingHoofer · 16/12/2012 12:52

You want your children to have your surname.

Your DP want his child to have his surname

Neither of you are being unreasonable. Could he change his surname to yours?

kakapo · 16/12/2012 12:57

If that's his argument about 'if we get married' then I would present it to him like this:

  1. Your (DPs) way, we will POSSIBLY have the same name.
  2. My way, we WILL have the same name.

So until there are at the very least some very concrete plans/dates, it is option 2.

kakapo · 16/12/2012 12:59

Listen to pumpkin! You have been more than reasonable already in my opinion - you have only stipulated that all 3 (or 4, including him) have the same name. You have not said it HAS to be a specific name. His vague "solution" doesn't meet that condition.

Offred · 16/12/2012 13:11

I have two dc with an ex, another two dc with my husband and I have my husband's name. I wanted my dc to have their dads' names because I carried, birthed and breastfed them, I do the caring and I felt it was important for them to have a tangible connection to their fathers through their names, even more so the eldest two whom's father isn't really that bothered precisely for this reason. I took dh's name because I wanted to express that I wanted to belong in his family who I feel closer to than my own family. I don't see having different surnames as noteworthy. Why does it bother you?

IfNotNowThenWhen · 16/12/2012 13:15

I have several unmarried but partnered up friends, and family, and in every case the kids have the man's name, and the woman has a the different name.
In one case the VERY mild mannered male partner had an absolute strop about it and insisted their ds be his name (even though Her name was far nicer).
Men can be really vehement about this one thing.
The thing is though 9 times out of ten, when a partnership dissolves, the woman is the main carer.
Since this is the case, it would just seem logical and totally reasonable for all children to have the same name as their mother, whether the father shares that name, or not.
After all, OP, as others have said, IF you finally marry there is nothing to stop him changing his name to match the rest of you...

peaceandlovebunny · 16/12/2012 14:08

abandon all previously used surnames and choose a new one for the whole family?

FlojoHoHoHo · 16/12/2012 14:14

I have 2 DCs with 2 dads, both DCs have my surname, simple.

sashh · 17/12/2012 00:22

leave the bastard

SparklyTwinkles · 17/12/2012 00:58

I would give the baby your surname. If your dp is upset about not having the same name suggest to him tat he changes his name.

I have a baby on the way and am not married to my partner. My baby will be taking my last name. Fortunatly for me dp agrees but if he didbt i would do the same an suggest to him that he changes his name

Stick to your guns surfing

zipzap · 17/12/2012 01:06

If you think he is not going to bother to get married once the baby is named after him, then tell him that if he wants to have the same name as the baby then he can, when you are married. Relatively easy thing to do and that way it is within his control. He can't complain if he doesn't propose and marry you because that side of things is up to him.

I would be very careful when your new baby is born to take really good care of the registration document - keep it somewhere safe so your dp can't go and register the child before you do, thereby choosing the name and not you. Have you got family or friends that you trust that could keep it safe for you?

I would also call his bluff - tell him that if he doesn't grow up and discuss this like an adult then you will definitely be using your surname. If he is going to sulk rather than discuss the issue like a child would then he doesn't deserve to give his surname to your child. And again - this is putting the ball in his court as you are saying you are open to discussing it if he will discuss it properly - which you can't do if he sulks. And if he throws a tantrum and sulks then that is his own fault - he knows what the consequences will be.